Teen Mom Recap: Everyone Has a Better Valentine’s Day Than Me

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It’s Valentine’s Day for the young mothers of Teen Mom and I just realized that whilst I tee off on them on a weekly basis they technically have a better love life than me and are about 5 10 years younger than me.  I’m pretty sure that’s what the kids call “karma.”  I just checked.  It is.  Here’s what went down in another snowy crapisode of Teen Mom:

Maci -  It’s a big episode for Maci as her friends have come over to visit her and Bint-Lee and awkwardly teach her how to flirt since they are all heading out to “da club” shortly.  Maci has no idea how to talk to guys or respond to them for that matter and is all nervous and junk.  Perhaps her pick up line should be, “Hey, I just pushed a human through my vag.  Buy me a drink?”  This will show the gentleman that she has done naughty boom boom, likes to drink, isn’t afraid to leave her baby at home while mommy goes out to party, and possibly has room to park a compact car in her parking space…if ya know what I mean.  And I think you do.  Later Maci gets a call from her ex-boyfriend/friend, Kyle, and I am all embarrassed while she talks to him on the phone at school.  She is so socially awkward with guys.  How she tricked one dude into fathering a child for her is beyond me.  Also, Maci’s friend is totally Debbie Downs (which started out as a typo, but now I think it sounds worse than Debbie Downer and, well, I’m keeping it).  Once Valentine’s Day rolls around Ryan, a man of many words, drops off Bint-Lee back at Maci’s casa and his new girlfriend is sitting in the truck looking out at Maci and what her future will be if she doesn’t keep those legs shut.  I mean, I know the cameras, lights, and mic pack looks glamorous, but you still get a child out of it and, well, I’m sure that’s hard work.  The next day Maci decides to go visit her high school friends, who I can only assume live in Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure, and her ex-boyfriend Kyle so that she can go and make Bint-Lee a new brother or sister…or both!

Amber -  I have to admit, Amber and Gary/Roseanne and Dan are quickly becoming my favorite couple on Teen Mom and that says a lot since I typically put Catelynn’s mom and Butch on a pedestal.  For Valentine’s Day, Amber and her cousin (who is basically the Stephanie Pratt of this series) head out to buy Gary a gift, which ends up being a key.  Yes, a key.  Amber is going to tell Gary it’s a “key to her heart.”  I mean, between the engagement ring that Gary bought Amber last year at Walmart and her buying him a key it’s like they’re really taking that “less is more” thing too literal….except for when it comes to junk food.  Later Roseanne and Dan send the kids off to Crystal’s and exchange their big gifts with each other.  Gary bought Amber one rose, a stuffed animal that was more than likely won from a dirty carnival, and then a beautiful (puke) bracelet.  Looks like someone upgraded to Sears!  To celebrate I think they totally should have unprotected sex.  Once they all head out for dinner Amber actually says, “We’re out at a fancy restaurant having a nice dinner.”  Ugh.  Ok.  The wallpaper is stained yellow, the plants in the background are half dead, and they’re drinking out of plastic Coke cups.  Ooo la la.  Do you have to bring your passport to go to such a worldly place?  In typical Roseanne and Dan fashion they begin fighting during dinner, which leads to fighting in the car, and then spills into the house once they’re home.  Did I mention they’re fighting over not being engaged?  Yeah.  Amber, at 17, wants to be engaged because she thinks she’s ready.  At least that’s what she’s screaming, I’m not quite sure.  I’m not sure what her rush is.  She’ll need at least 1 year to plan the wedding and give the tanning salon ample notice so she can take the weekend off to honeymoon at the Cincinnati Red Roof Inn.  In the end Amber is crying at home with her Lauren Conrad makeup tears and Gary ends up re-purposing her engagement ring into a “promise ring.”  Way to save another $24.99, Gar!  Also, was Amber having a breakdown?  Clean yourself up, you’re on national television!

Catelynn – Wait.  Why was Catelynn’s moms baby “temporarily” living with his dad?  Meth binge?  And more importantly what could the father look like?  Do you think she traded up or traded down to Butch?  Anyway, for the 15th time in 2 weeks they’re all moving into a new house, except this one is bigger and has plenty of forehead room.  Meanwhile, Tyler’s mom wants him to act like he’s a 17 year old kid again instead of Tyler feeling guilty for giving up his child and wanting to stay home to pretend to take care of her.  Huh?  I is confuseded.  Also, I’m making this into a drinking game.  Every time Tyler’s mom bugs out her eyes, do a shot.  For Valentine’s Day Tyler and Catelynn exchange gifts.  I’m not sure why Catelynn didn’t get red elastics on her braces to celebrate the day.  Missed opportunity.  The nice couple head out ice skating in Tyler’s brand new car.  Catelynn calls it a “car” but I’m pretty sure his “car” is more of a “moving sex room.”  Once ice skating Tyler sticks out like a sore thumb on the ice with his baggy jeans, sideways hat, blank face, and 90’s phrases like, “Oh snap!”  He’s like the male version of a Bratz doll.  Sort of.  Well not really at all.  I’m keeping it.  In the end, the adoption lady convinces Tyler to talk with another dad who went through an open adoption so that he will start feeling less guilty and start living his life again.  Tyler ends up calling a “dad” and cries and this makes me feel bad.  In times like this I really want to see his mother’s eyes bugging out.  What I mean is, I want a shot.

Farrah – Ugh.  This one again.  Seriously, Farrah yells at her mom and dad on the regular.  I bet when she calls 411 and the recording says, “What city and listing?”  Farrah replies, “I hate you and I don’t need your help!”  Per usual, Farrah tells her mother that she never wants to see her again (stay off TMZ then).   Later Farrah, literally, leaves her baby in a sink filled with water while she is in the other room.  Farrah comes back into the kitchen only when she hears Sophia start crying because she turned on the hot water and burned herself!  Insane. Next thing you know she’ll have Sophia flipping burgers on the grill while Farrah tans her worm-like body.  Honestly, kids can die from that.  I saw that on The Today Show.  That’s where I learn most of my parenting tips anyway.  I mean, I don’t own any kids yet, but once I do I’m going to know how to keep them safe thanks to television.  Farrah heads off to therapy and, well, this is where all my previous comments make me feel really douchey.  We learn that when Farrah told her mom she was pregnant her mom called her a whore.  Oh, that part didn’t make me feel bad.  I giggled like a school girl in heat when I heard that.  I felt bad when we learned that the father of Farrah’s baby had died and her Who-like mother couldn’t have cared less.  This makes me so mad that I want to go out and have unprotected sex and get my own TV show.   And a baby!  Once it’s Sophia’s birthday, Farrah makes them t-shirts for some reason and allows her “parents” to come to dinner with them.  Seriously, it’s the most awkward dinner ever. Ever.  Everyone, for some inexplicable reason, is doing odd cartoon voices.  Debra, alone, is doing a mix of Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear, and Elmer Fudd.  If this show ever ends, Debra can totally land some voice-over work.  And if they ever make a sequel to How the Grinch Stole Christmas she’ll totally get cast for that.  Anyway,  Farrah is trying to read Sophia the birthday card she bought for her and can’t get through the whole thing because her mom is constantly interrupting.  No joke, I was so nervous during this scene.  I actually glanced down at the table to see if there were any knives there.  Gulp.  I hope I don’t dream about Debra trying to kill me tonight.  Oh God.  I imagine she’ll chase me with a butcher knife all whilst doing a Kermit the Frog impression.  Spooky.

Happy Valentine’s Day young mothers and those who are on the show still even though they don’t have a kid!

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