The City Season Finale Recap: Olivia’s Little Face is HUGE in Japan. Not Literally Though. Relax Olivia. Put the Toothbrush Down.

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Goooooooooooooonnnnggg!  This week, boys and girls, The City is visiting Japan!  That’s left of Poland, I believe, for those of you following along in Canada.  Get ready for me to make as many ignorant jokes as my fingers will type!

• Whitney is ready to sell her lead-laced rags to anyone who will buy them so she informs Kelly Cutrone that she’s basically having sex with some other chick from another PR agency.  Well she didn’t go that far, but she might as well.  This PR chick, according to Cutrone, wears pink all the time so that’s basically like a slap in the mask to Kiki.  As we all know Kelly only wears black, pisses black, and sh*ts black.  What we also know is that there are a few pinks parts to Kelly  These pink parts are as follows: Her tongue (when she’s extra healthy), her poopy boom boom circle, and her indoor vaginastein.  Allegedly.  It’s the last recap of the season, folks, and I’m setting the bar real low.
• There’s a big fashion shoot with Snap-Cracklina Kornstovetop and all our friends at ELLE are there to giving a helping hand.  This includes wide-mouth Louise and then someone we’ve never referenced before.  This person is Keith Pollock and he’s the Editorial Director at ELLE.  I believe that’s “magazine lingo” for “guy who puts stuff on pages…and junk.”  I don’t know.  I’m not in the industry, nor was I aware magazines still existed.  When all the porn is for free on the Interweb, why bother with pages?  However, therefore, and nevertheless I digress. I’m referencing Keith because he sounds like the voice they used to use on Sally Jesse Raphael when they would have an accused rapist on the show and they’d hide their face and disguise their voice so the rapist would remain anonymous.  Know what I’m talking about?  So yeah, Keith is saying how nice it is to meet Louise, but all I’m hearing is “mwah blah grrr…I can smell your….mwah hrrr blah.”  And end scene.  Thank you, thank you.  Moving on.
• Louise is going to interview Snap-Cracklina Kornstovetop because Olivia is in Japan (goooooooonnnnnnggggg!) frightening small children.  Keith de las Rapist isn’t too sure that Louise is right to be the “Elle girl” because she’s, you know, prepared and articulate and isn’t dead on the inside.  He thinks that the real Elle girl is Olivia.  I guess deep down I always knew the typical Elle girl threw up her meals so I guess we have a match.  Ding, ding, ding!  Gooooonnng! Erin Jo, happily named, looks like she’s dreaming of being a kamikaze pilot while this conversation is taking place.
• Sweet!  We’re in Japan, although I think we’re still really in NYC on the set of The City.  Olivia is walking around like God-damn Godzilla.  At one point I think she picked up a little Japanese lady on her bike and wore her as a necklace.  I just hit rewind.  She did.
• Olivia-san is at the Elle office in Japan, which I always assumed would be decorated with freshly killed chickens hanging from the ceiling but I guess I’m really learning here.
• Ha this is great!  Olivia meets with the Japanese Director of Public Relations who is, let’s face it, Erin Jo with a black wig on and tape on her eyes.  You’re not fooling anyone Erin Jo.  Or should I say Wehwin Jo?  Gooong!
• Next up, Olivia stops in to meet the Editor-in-Chief who is, and we all know it, Joe Zee with a Joyce DeWitt wig on.  He’ll stop at nothing to be around Olivia.  Let me tell you something.  Olivia is f’ing huge in Japan.  These people friggin love her.  No joke, I think the Editor-in-Chief is giving herself a happy ending under her desk all whilst she giggles over Olivia.  She then lets Olivia know that she’d like to have her on stage at the party tonight so they can interview her and find out her “special secret.”  Yeah, let me save you the trouble.  She looks like that because she’s malnourished.  Her secret is an Oral B toothbrush and low self esteem. Goooong!
• Meanwhile back in NYC, Roxy Horror is walking with Zach and talking about the issues with Whitney and….boring.  Next.  I mean, Gonnnng!
• Seriously this episode is crazy overload for me!  Now we’re at Alison Brod PR because Whitney has a meeting with her.  This chick is nuuuutts!  I love it.  I love when grown women have an obsession over a color and then make that color every part of their life.  She’s wearing pink and looks like she just finished having sex with two sets of siamese twins about 5 minutes before the MTV cameras arrived.  She kinda has that Paula Abdul crazy eyes thing going on that makes me think that’s not “kids candy” in those jars all over her office.
• Anypeep, Allison wants to help Whitney sell her flammable clothes to anyone and everyone that will buy them.  She wants her to have 15 fashion shoots in 16 seconds and be in the Hamptons tomorrow.  I have no clue if that’s what she said at all I just couldn’t take my eyes off the crazy.  In the end, Whitney will have to let her know her scripted decision whenever the new script arrives and tells her what to say.
• Seth.  I swear to God.  Which lever do I pull to drop an anvil?
• Seth is chatting up Erin Jo about Olivia and being overly lame with the “Olivia in Japan” jokes.  Erin Jo does toss in a good one about Olivia in America is like Lost in Translation. I mean I never saw the movie, but I assume Erin Jo was killin’ it.  Seth is like, “ohhh Olivia should stay in Japan.”  You know what?  You go to Japan. YOU go.  And stop trying to steal Erin Jo from me.  Now if I was in the scene I would have said something charming like, “Imagine what Olivia must look like in Japan?  I mean, she pukes up bigger things after she binges than the people who are standing next to her right now.”  Good, right?  I would have then looked at the producer and said, “We locking that in editing?”  See how that works Seth?  Contact me before next season and I’ll just start writing some lines for you.
• Honestly, Japan can’t get enough of Olivia.  She’s at the Tibi event and I can’t tell if those are shoulder buttons on her shirt or if her collar bone is cutting through the material.  They’re interviewing her and all the little Japanese girls are giggling like, well, school girls on everything that Olivia says.  I am in awe. It gets better though.  Once they start taking pictures with Olivia they’re all commenting on how small her face is.  One chick is like, “I don’t want to stand next to you because your face is so small and mine looks so big.”  You know your alleged eating disorder is taking over when the Japanese think you are small and have small features.
• Uh oh.  Whitney is in trouble with Kelly Cutrone.  Apparently that sperm-dumpster (I classed it up), Allison Brod, is spreading rumors around town that Whitney fired Cutrone and hired Brod….and Kelly is pissed!  Kiko yells, a bit, at Whitney for having to defend her agency over “a lady who wears pink.”  Whitney is all stutters and apologies and Kiko wants no part of it.  I mean, the editing machine was smoking and sparking to get this scene together, but it was still fun to watch….like a little kid stealing candy from the corner store and then getting caught.  You kind of stare and then snicker to yourself.  Then you get into your car and drive home.  Then you realize that little kid also stole your wallet and used the candy as a diversion.  Damn kids.  So, yeah, kind of like that.
• It’s “Meeting Day” at Elle to find out who’s going to be the next Elle Girl.  All the major players are there; marketing coordinator -  Seth, girl who filmed two online interviews – Louise, Rapist voice – Keith, girl who works at Elle only when the cameras are up – Olivia, and Erin.  Yup, I think a lot of high powered decisions are going to be made at this meeting.
• Joe Zee enters the room like the king and lets everyone know what a great job Olivia did in Japan and…wait for it….wait for it….she is new Elle Girl!  Again, the editing machine is shaking and sh*tting over this scene as Seth laughs and covers his eyes, Erin Jo rolls her eyes (per usual), and Olivia looks right over to Erin Jo for reaction.  When Joe Zee Messina lets Olivia know that she will now be working even closer with Erin Jo, Olivia looks at Erin and says, “Erin, are you ok with that?”  The look on Erin’s face is priceless.  I kind of wish, though, that Erin flipped the entire conference table over and screamed, “Not in my house, B*TCH!” and then went after her in choking motion.  Eh, that’s just how I would have handled it though.
• As a sidenote, Seth is totally getting fired.  As they’re all walking out of the meeting he says to Erin, “If you weren’t thinking of leaving before, you are now” and Joe Zee is right behind him with a look of hate and “kill” in his eyes.  Someone please let me know when his role opens up.  I’ll be updating my resume.  The only real fashion experience I have revolves around skid-marks in my underwear.  Although I do hear that’s all the rage this Fall in Milan.  Call me!
• In the scripted end, Whitney and Roxy Horror meet up so Whitney can fill her in on the meeting with Allison Brod.  Roxy tells Whitney not to forgot all that Kelly helped her with and if she does decide to sign with Allison that things with her and Kelly will change forever.  Boring.  Although bonus points for when Roxy was walking away it looked like she was literally taking a crap in her dress.  So, good for her with that.

Well folks another season down the sh*tter.  Thanks for coming along each week to recap all the craziness and having a laugh or two.  I’d also like to thank the few folks at ELLE who read this crap and take it all with a grain of salt.  It was hard to tee off on all of you once I knew you were reading, but I dug deep down in my blackened heart and found the will to stay true to myself no matter who was reading.  We’re all douche bags and are in this together.  Although I’m not a douche bag.  No I’m not.  Fine, a little.  Ok, a lot.

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