Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Country Club Triathalon

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I mean, come on.  Was this crapisode not all it was cracked up to be and more?  I think it’s hard to compare it to the “table flip” of last season as that consisted more of heated exchanges about this past, while this episode it was more of a triathalon event.  Let’s break down exactly what happened last night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey:

• We pick up right where we left off 2 weeks ago with Teresa asking Danielle the rhetorical question of “…is bitch better?”  Some how it turns from that into Danielle screaming that if Teresa throws something at her she’ll press charges.  Does that include throwing shade at her?  Do “the kids” still say that?  Either way I’d like to know.
• For some reason Teresa has morphed into Jaleesa from “A Different World” and is doing this crazy neck jerk while pointing her finger and saying, “I’m from Patterson, remember?”  This is somehow turning into a dance video.  The dance ends when Danielle yells that she remembers the house that Teresa lived in before she moved into the mansion (friggin’ linoleum floors).  Teresa responds by letting everyone around her know that she lives in a $5 million dollar house, to which Danielle replies back, “which is in foreclosure.”  Well, apparently “foreclosure” was Pee Wee Herman’s Secret Word of the Day because that is when all real hell broke loose.
• Out of nowhere Kim G breaks onto the scene and literally throws Teresa into the chair and screams, “sit down” to her.  Yeah, that went over as well as trying to collect rabid skunks in a picnic basket.  Ironically enough, Teresa looks like she’s wearing rabid skunks so this is all fitting.  Teresa then pushes Kim G back and, to be honest, Kim G’s biggest mistake when forcing Teresa to sit down was not whipping out the can of AquaNet and spraying her and her skunk coat to the chair.  All of this would be gone a lot differently if that would have happened.
• All of a sudden this turn into a mix of COPS and and episode of Tom & Jerry.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  Teresa and Jacqueline are chasing Danielle through the country club all whilst shouting out her criminal past.  People are getting pushed, dishes are being knocked off the table, and at one point I’m almost certain I an anvil fall from the ceiling.  I was even waiting for the camera to close up on Kim D, with eyes crossed and hands pointing in the opposite direction saying, “She went that-a-way!” all while cartoon birds flew in circles around her head.
• Danielle is screaming a mix of “get her away from me,” and “stop holding me” and “I broke by f*cking heals.”  I’m glad she kept the viewer informed exactly what she was feeling during this leg of the tour.
• Now Danielle is in a dead sprint out the front door of the country club.  With heels broken and hobbling along she’s like Shoeless Joe Jackson.  At one point I think I saw people passing her orange slices and dumping small cups of water over her head all before wrapping her up in an aluminum foil blanket.  I’m not sure who won this marathon, if it was Danielle or the guy from Kenya, but my money is on Danielle.
• Once outside (I’m friggin’ exhausted) Kim G is back on the scene calming everyone down by declaring Jihad all over the place.  She’s screaming in Teresa’s face to please stop and she’s screaming in Danielle’s face to calm down.  She’s even shaking her and yelling, “calm down, calm down!”  I think the shaking part really helps the calming down part.  Kim G then yells for her driver, Harry, to put Danielle in the car and then suddenly Shrek Ashley/Meg Griffin comes by and pulls out Danielle’s weave.  While I feel bad (almost) for Danielle I feel more bad for Kim G, because now she needs to yell at Meg.  Seriously, I think the scenes wouldn’t have seemed as chaotic if Kim G wasn’t screaming at the top of her lungs at everyone.  It really made the scene worth while.
• All of a sudden this went from a scene from COPS and Tom & Jerry to a scene from a 1980’s horror movie.  While Harry is carrying Danielle to the car (and scary music is playing), Teresa is walking in a daze towards them and Danielle starts screaming, “She’s behind you! She’s behind you!”  I mean, I can’t even make any of this stuff up.
• Danielle ends up calling the cops all whilst Kim G is still trying to calm her down by, you know, screaming “calm down” in her face.
• Jacqueline has to literally push Meg away from the car and tell her to go home and get a face transplant.  Ok, she didn’t scream that at her but I did yell that at my TV.
• When the cops are questioning Meg she, as brilliant as she is, explains to them that technically she didn’t pull her hair, she pulled her extensions and that her extensions aren’t really apart of her.  Oh. Ok then.  Case dismissed.  That’s like saying that your bullet killed that person and not you.
• In “Teresa Hasn’t Passed the 5th Grade” news, the cop is trying to ask Teresa questions about what happened for his report and she has no clue why he’s doing this, what he’s referring to, what report he’s talking about, etc.  She apparently doesn’t have her license on her but suggests that the police officer get the license of Danielle because “she’s the coke whore, not me.”  Yup, I’m pretty sure that’s how that works Teresa.  Another case solved!  “The Law” according to Teresa’s Hairline.  This Fall on TNT.  We Know Drama.
• In the end Meg Griffin wasn’t arrested and everyone just went home.  I have to admit I was kind of hoping that maybe someone would get the stun-gun.  Eh, maybe next season.
• The next day both teams are telling their sides of the story which is exaggerated to say the least.  Teresa can’t really recall the events, in my opinion, because she was three sheets to the wind.  Danielle, on the other hand, is not only the conductor of the crazy train but she’s also a co-owner so she is now saying that they’re trying to literally kill her and when they do kill her there’s no coming back from that.  Yeah, that’s how death works Danielle.  Thanks for the update.
• All while this is going on Albie Manzo is meeting with a lawyer to try and sue is law school for kicking him out and not allowing up to apply anywhere else for another two years.  Yawn.  Unless the lawyer he’s meeting with starts chasing him through the law firm wearing a chinchilla fur vest, I’m not interested.
• I mean if this can’t get any crazier, now Danielle’s energist who I believed is called “Safari” calls Danielle to tap into her psychic ability (over the phone) and let her know that she would like to reach out to Jacqueline.  This all makes sense.
• Meanwhile Teresa is filling in Joe (who looks like he’s about to combust) on the events from the previous night.  Trying to follow Teresa telling the story is like trying to understand what the homeless guy on the sidewalk is yelling about at 3:30 in the morning.  It can’t be done.  Although it was kind of funny when Teresa was imitating Danielle trying to run away with her broken shoes.  And I also liked the part when Teresa said that Danielle’s house smelled like dog.  All good form.
• So back to Surfin’ Safari the engergist.  Safari calls Jacqueline to try and help her live the life of “love and light.”  I assumed Jacqueline would have hung up the phone immediately, but instead she sat in her car and listened to Safari and started to meditate….which then turned into her playing games on her iPhone all whilst Safari thought she was helping.  Seriously, what show is this!?
• Danielle meets up with Kim G at Mel’s Diner for some french fries.  Kim G, for some reason, is looking like Flo during this scene.  This is when we learn that Danielle will be pressing charges against Meg Griffin.  Shut up, Meg.
• In the end, Jacqueline and her husband have a stern talking to, to Meg because she has no concept of life.  Seriously she acts like she’s a 10 year old.  She feels that she has the right to pull Danielle’s hair and that that should be ok.  Let’s put her in a jail cell with Lohan for 90 days, yes?  They all come to the agreement that if Ashely pulls this crap any more she is being kicked out of the house for good.  Good riddance!  Damn it, Meg!

Ok well we made it through the episode and most of us, I believe, are still alive.  I have to admit  I thought I was going to be let down by this episode, but I really wasn’t.  I think that says a lot about my character and who I am as a person and, well, I’m ok with that.  What did you guys think?  Better than the table flip?  Can we even compare?  Calm down!

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