The Hills Recap: Why is Allie Lutz in Our Lives?

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Heidi and Spencer are still missing.  I’m busy hanging up “missing” signs on all the telephone poles, but here’s what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills:

• Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are getting their hair done for the show their night out and chatting about McKaela (LC 2.0).  Stacie the Pointless Bartender thinks that McKaela just doesn’t get it and is way over her head.  I, too, think that LC 2.0 doesn’t get it.  And by “it” I’ll assume we’re all talking about “the point of this show?”  I’m sure L.C 2.0 is thinking, “I see cameras following us on the regular and I know we’re having conversations, but I have no idea what the hell the basis of this show is.  I see Ryan Cabrera once in a while filming with us, so I guess this is season 24 of that Ashlee Simpson show?”
• Ugh we’re at Smashbox Studios with Lo and LC 2.0.  Why are they trying to make this like The City?  More importantly why did they “dub in” Lo inviting LC 2.0 to Stephanie Pratt’s dumb birthday party?  At this point I don’t even know if Lo realizes that she’s not talking to actual Lauren Conrad.  It’s more fun that way if we pretend she really thinks it.  Anymustache, LC 2.0 wants Lo and everyone else in the world that she may be new, but she’s not stupid so Brody better not try to make her look like a fool.  Well, if Brody doesn’t and the cameras don’t, and her own words don’t, and then editing doesn’t, and the storyboard department doesn’t, and the table-read sessions don’t, and Us Weekly doesn’t…then I guess she’s safe!
• It’s time for recovering alcoholic/DUI recipient Stephanie Pratt’s birthday!  I wonder what safe place they’ll have it at?  Oh, a bar!  Great idea!  I’m sure people binge drinking vodka tonic and “cheersing” her with their glasses of temptation will be totally fine with Steph.  Her birthday party is a complete sh*t show, per usual.  Kristin and Brody are trying to be the new Oddy and J Bob by flirting with each other, someone carries in Frankie like a pinata, and Holly Montag says one line the entire episode, which is “hi guys.”
• To make things worse, let’s just talk about how this show has become 90210.  Remember when towards the end of 90210 the entire cast was pretty much replaced?  Yeah, well this is it.  Look around the table.  LC is gone.  Heidi is nowhere to be found.  Spencer/Steve Sanders is missing.  Whitney is MIA.  Hell, even Lisa Loveless never makes a surprise cameo.  All we have left, really, is Audrina who would totally be the “Donna” of the group.  And now we’re forced to deal with McKaela/LC 2.0 and her new sidekick Allie Lutz.
• Allie Lutz, who looks like she’s pushing 40 and still doing her best to make it out to “da clubs,” apparently broke in to Brody Jenner’s house before after some “ring” incident.  I have no clue.  All I know is that the douche-bag brigade is pissed off that she’s there and Kristin looks like she’s ready to eat her neck.
• At one point Allie Triple Lutz just starts yelling at Kristin for “having a beef” with LC 2.0.  Really?  A beef?  People who aren’t in 21 Jump Street still say that?  Interesting, yet not so.  Kristin starts up her raspy voice yelling, the same way you start up a lawn mower, and calls Allie a psycho b*tch for breaking into Brody’s house.   I love how Allie kind of stumbles her words when she says, “I never broke into Brody’s house before.”  It was almost like I believe that she didn’t break into Brody’s house, but now I’m not so certain she doesn’t break into other peoples houses.  All I know is that while she’s yelling back at Kristin I feel like she is spitting syphilis at everyone.  Just me?
• The “next day” at Elle Magazine SmashHerBox Studios, LC 2.0 tells Lo 1.0 that she wants to call Brody so explain what happened at Stephanie’s birthday and how she doesn’t want him to have the wrong idea.  When she calls Brody, he ends up putting her into voicemail all while Kristin is scrambling to find her shoes under Brody’s bed.  We get it, you banged.  We get it, you are scriptedly looking like a one-night-stand-skank on national television.  We get it, Avril Levine is not standing behind the camera so she’s accidentally not in this scene.
• Later Kristin and Audrina go out for lunch and while this is a boring scene, it was great when Audrina called Allie Lutz a cougar.  It’s quite interesting how someone with literal beaver teeth can quickly identify a cougar.  Birds of a feather.
• Let’s fast forward to Audrina meeting up with Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono at the pool hall, shall we?  Shan’t I?  Oddy may want to take a break from their Teen Beat relationship because Chaz Bono is going out on tour for a while and Oddy wants him to be free to bang all the guys who will be attending his “concerts.”  Seriously, where is this tour they keep speaking of?  Uzbekistan?  Tajikistan?  It has to be there.  And I’m sure it’s not so much a “concert” as it is him “fighting in the war.”  And, more importantly, who goes to a Ryan Cabrera show?  What songs is he singing and do people know the words?  Do you enjoy going to the concerts or is it more like a punishment where you’re forced to go if you got C- in Algebra 201?
• All the girls who are left in the show are laying out at Kristin’s house (I think.  Who cares?) and are gossiping about LC 2.0 and her level of intelligence.  This is all coming out of the genius mouths of Kristin Cavallari, Stephanie Pratt, and Audrina Patridge.  It’s basically the same as Milli trying to tell Vanilli that he looks like he’s lip-syncing.  Know what I mean?  Anyway, if LC 2.0 wants to be so lucky as to become friends with these girls then she’ll have to lose Brody and Allie Triple Lutz in order to do so.  Seems like an easy trade down to me!
• Well, well, well, what do we have here?  Justin Bobby is back again and this time he’s fixing his motorcycle and apparently permed his bangs.  That’s a great look.  You gotta love the crunchy wet curls look like the white girls who try to pretend they’re not white.  Anyway, Oddy shows up to the garage looking like she’s ready to pose for the cover of Maxim on top of J Bobs hog (giggity).  When Oddy shows up she says, “surprise.”  Surprise?  Really?  Was it really?  Didn’t Justin Bobby think it was odd that all of a sudden there was an MTV camera crew filming him fixing his bike?  That didn’t maybe tip him off that someone, oh I don’t know maybe Audrina, might just show up for, you know, a “scene?”  I hope these two get back together and by “back together” I of course mean “have a baby out of wedlock.”
• In the end, Kristin meets up with LC 2.0 to have a quick drink and talk about how Allie Triple Lutz is evil and the future status of LC 2.0 and Brody.  Kristin, who may have a penis, tells LC 2.0 that Brody was saying nice things to her only to sleep with her and that if she brings Allie Triple Lutz around with her there is going to be problems.  Kristin then downs her glass of wine and peaces out from the awkward confrontation.  LC. 2.0 is left in the bar all by herself, still wondering what show she may or may not be one and what, in fact, the show is actually about.  It’s been 6 seasons and I’m still wondering the. Same. Exact. Thing.

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