The Hills Recap: Happy Pointless Birthday, Enzo!

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Annnnnd we’re back to Enzo.  Just when we thought it was safe to ride the drug wave with Kristin we are heading back into “Enzo territory.”  Enzo, which I believe is Spanish for “anyone gets to be on this show,” is getting a birthday party planned by Heidi and her party planner “Lisa.”  Lisa might as well just close up shop right now.  Hopefully, at least, we’ll get to hear him  pronounce “Spencer” as “Spender” and even throw in a couple of “ariba! ariba’s!”  Take a double dose of Ambien and wash it down with a pint of cheap vodka because here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

• Kicking things off with Kristin walking the beach with Brody is perfect.  We get to check out her “coke legs” that Lo and crew were talking about a few crapisodes ago and we get to hear her raspy coke voice echo in the wind.  It’s like hearing Jesus whispering words of wisdom to you.  Let it be, let it be.  Within 2 seconds Brody is already talking about Enzo’s upcoming birthday party.  I think it’s great Brody refuses to retire the trucker hat that went out of style during season 2 of “Punk’d” in 2004.  He’s like those girls you went to high school with who were really popular during high school, survived 4 abortions, but are currently unemployed, still single, and still get those crazy long fake nails and drawn in eyebrows, drink Zima out of a crazy straw at “da club”  and then go home and binge eat Twinkies and puke.  You know what I mean?  I mean, I kind of lost track what I was saying, but I’m sure someone out there is following.
• I don’t do drugs, but am I high right now?  No really.  Am I?  Am I actually witnessing Heidi talking to a party planner named Lisa/Sally Struthers about a birthday party for Enzo with elephants and wizards?  And why is Spencer’s hair so fluffy?  He’s like blond Simon Cowell.  Try a little wax stick or something.  And how come every time Heidi pushes her hair to the side she opens her mouth and then swallows?  Check it out.  She does. Every time.  Move hair. Opens mouth.  Swallows.  She’s like an Anna Nicole Pez dispenser.  Or a Pez (di)Spencer as I like to call her.  Personally I think that with the elephants and wizards Heidi should be the topless freakshow and let all the little kids poke at her face and jump on her ridiculous chest like one of those moon-bounce houses and the slide down her chin and scoop cotton candy out of her scooped out back.  Heidi Montag the portable circus, ladies and gentlemen!
• The role of Frankie  Delgado will be played by Horatio Sanz in this scene.  Brody, Frankie, and that other dude who I think used to be called Sleazy T are all at the mechanics (?) talking about cars for 2 seconds and then chit chattin’ like ladies on the same cycle about Brody liking Kristin and Audrina and blah blah bloo.  Seriously why couldn’t the Times Square attempted bomber toss a couple of propane tanks and fireworks in the cars that Brody and crew are standing around at “the shop?”  I never get what I want.  Too soon?  Moving on.
• As if things can’t get worse we’re now forced to watch the D-Bag Brigade go bowling.  How riveting.  When I’m thinking of Kristin with balls in her hands, this certainly isn’t what I had in mind.  And, for some reason, Audrina just walked into the bowling alley with Chaz Bono.  Oh, it’s Ryan Cabrera.  Simple mistake.  He should lower is spikes a bit, as we don’t need any additional reasons why Audrina needs to be looking up towards the ceiling.  Everyone is tossing balls down the alley.  Of course they show Chaz Bono sucking and Brody getting a strike.  Yawn.  They should have had Heidi run into the bowling alley and then throw her rack down the alley screaming “No whammies, no whammies, no whammies!”
• Meanwhile, the “next day” it’s the event we’ve all been waiting for.  Enzo’s birthday party.  And, without disappointment, we get to see Enzo and Heidi riding an elephant wearing a crown of thorns in her backyard.  At one point and elephant picks up a kid with his trunk.  I sh*t you not.  I’m also pretty sure I saw Lo in the background picking up a kid with her old nose.  Finally we can put all those old noses to good use.
• Steve Sanders is kissing a lamb.  Literally.  He probably just assumes it’s Heidi.  I know I did.  I was like, “When did Heidi dye her hair black?  She looks good.”
• Later the whole gang is sitting around the “kids table” and Steve Sanders continues on with his “I’m going to pretend I’m crazy” storyline.  He literally says that when Heidi went to see her mom in Crested Butte, Darlene decided to rape Heidi emotionally.  Uh, there was a rape going on in “The Butte” but I’m pretty sure it involved Heidi’s horse and perhaps a camera man or two.
• And the moment we’ve really all been waiting for.  Spencer lets everyone know that Darlene isn’t God and didn’t make Heidi.  She’s just a vagina.  You know what else is a vagina?  The Santa pubes around Spencer’s face.
• HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is not pleased with this statement and says she needs a drink after Steve Sanders threatens to make HOlly leave his property.  I hope she gets trashed, at least it will be more interested to watch.  And remember when you were little and would get into a fight with your friend and tell him/her to get off your “private property.”  Those were the days.  I wish whilst watching this show God would tell me to get off his private property and then eliminate me from earth.
• On another night, Audrina and Chaz Bono decide to commit to each other.  Sort of.  Who cares.  Next.
• Meanwhile, having another boring “date night” is Brody and Kristin.  The only good thing about this scene is that you can totally tell that Kristin and Brody have nothing to say and are making up crap and just laughing over it.  They’re definitely in “F it, it’s out last season” mode.  They legit say one line and then laugh over what they said.  I kind of like it.  It’s like we’re all laughing together, but instead of laughter it’s tears…and the fetal position.
• What?  Wait what?  Heidi and Holly are at her house and Heidi actually says, “I’m so glad that we cleaned up after that elephant.”  Really?  Shoveling sh*t?  I expected that Heidi would be doing that after The Hills was over, not during filming.  And you totally know that she’s shoveling it and then placing all the elephant sh*t into separate ziplock bags so she can bring it to the doctor and have him inject it into her forehead, cheeks, chin, lips, butt, boobs, back, elbows, knees, ankles, neck, stomach, hips, arms, shoulders, feet, and eyelids.
• Steve Sanders is pissed at Holly for some reason after HOlly told him that she felt disrespected when Steve Sanders spoke of her mother’s vagina in a negative way.  They’re now all having a sass-off about what’s in the Bible, what’s one of the Ten Commandments, etc.  Per usual, I’m confused.  Spencer gets so pissed off that, after he. stopped. talking. in. one. word. sentences (woooooooo!), he left Casa de Chin in a huff and told Holly to go back to her real estate job….whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean?!  I would have responded by telling him to go back to the salon to let them finish removing the rollers from his hair and giving in a blowout.
• After Spencer slams the door (ish), Holly starts crying to Heidi saying that he scares her and that she doesn’t even have Heidi’s phone number to call her.  Can’t she just follow her on Twitter and reply to the random Tweets Heidi writes?  That would be easier.
• In the end, Holly leaves Casa de Chin and once she’s about 400 feet away, Spencer starts yelling crap at her and tells her she’s not welcome at “De Chin” and he’ll call the cops if he sees her there again.  Holly yells back that he’s pathetic and all is right with the world.

Well that’s that.  I’m pissed I wasn’t invited to Enzo’s birthday party.  That little midget means the world to me.  And by “the world” I, of course, mean “nothing.”  And you know what?  I’m not inviting him to my birthday party either.  And instead of elephants I’m going to hire Stephanie Pratt and ride her around my apartment and then take swings at Audrina with a stick until candy comes out of her.  So there.

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