Am I Wrong? Why Hello Again.

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• How come when I just want to buy a simple shirt I have to give over my life story to the person behind the register?  They want my email address, my phone number, my zip code and I’m almost certain my blood type.  I get less questions asked at me when I’m going through security at the airport.  How about if I start asking them questions?  They’re like, “Can I help you?”  and I’m like, “Yeah. What’s your mothers maiden name?  Give me the last 4 of your social security number.  And what street did you grow up on?  Oh, and you can ring this shirt in too.”  Am I wrong?

• Stop forcing me to go to yearly sexual harassment training. All you’re doing is giving me fresh ideas and reminding me that I haven’t been sexually harassing as much as I used to.  Am I wrong?

• Wow “the pill” is 50 years old.  Congratulations loose women of the world!  I think it’s great for you, really.  However, you know what I’m all set with hearing?  “When are they gonna have ‘the pill’ for men?”  Uh, hopefully never?  Let’s put it this way.  I have a bottle of “Men’s One-a-Day” vitamins on my nightstand next to my bed.  Wanna know what today’s date is?  May 6, 2010.  Wanna know what the expiration date is on that bottle of vitamins?  November 15, 2008.  It could have been 2006 for all I know, as there was too much dust on it to decipher.  The point is, men are not responsible enough to remember to take “the pill” every day.  It’s hard enough to remember things like “touching yourself” and “cleaning out the corners of your eyes” and “turning your underwear inside out to save a couple of days on the laundry.”  Am I wrong?

• Hey douche asking me if you can “jump in” during my “set” at the gym, the answer is no.  Plan your time a little better.  Plus, I don’t want to keep on having to rearrange the weights every time it’s my turn again.  And, not to mention, I’m lifting 1/4^th of what you’re lifting so you’re making me look like a jerk in front of the other d-bags here at the gym.  Do I bother you on the train and ask if I can take your seat for the next two stops and then it’ll be your turn again?  Doubtful.  Am I wrong?

• Have kids stopped “going missing?”  No really, have they because I have cereal about 6 days a week and I haven’t seen one “missing kid” on the back of my milk carton since 1987.  Have we found them all?  That’s awesome if we did, but to be honest I was always kinda hoping that I would bump into a missing kid one day and be like, “Hey I saw you at breakfast.”  I guess that dream is gone.  Am I wrong?

• Hey Macy’s, I have a question.  What in the holy hell does “1 Day Sale” mean to you?  Because I’m pretty sure I see commercials 3 days a week talking about your “1 Day Sale” and it’s really starting to piss me off, especially when that God-awful chorus shouts “One Day!” and wakes me out of a deep sleep.  I’m forced to jump out of bed like my apartment is on fire so I don’t miss your 1 day sale that happens every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.  Oh and while you’re at it, quit the crap with that “doorbusters” campaign.  I’ve been to your store hundreds of times and that 25% coupon that can’t be used on any items that you actually want never made your doors bust.  Am I wrong?

• Lindsay Lohan is going to die.  Prepare for it.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Goya” and the letter “Z.”

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