Kell on Earth Recap: If You Have to Cry, Go Outside. I’m Heading Outside.

Oh where to begin.  Did I watch Kell on Earth?  Sure.  Did Kelly Cutrone make me laugh every now and then.  You know it.  Should I stop typing these sentences where I’m asking questions?  Probably.  However, I must admit that I was a little disappointed in the first episode.  And by that I really mean that it’s not a trashy reality show where I can make fun of everything.  If you were hoping for constant one liners like Kelly delivers in The City, you probably will be a little let down.  But if you’re interested in seeing what the fashion world is really like, you’ll probably be psyched.  I fall into the category of “not psyched.”

We kick things off at a company meeting at Pubic Revolution where Kiki Cutrone takes a moment to plug her book, “If You Have to Cry Go Outside.”  As I love selling out, I am pleased that Kelly does as well.  Words of wisdom at the meeting include, “we’re not mean, but we’ll say mean things to you….so if you have a bad day and have been knocked around, the best thing to do is to just come back tomorrow.”

Why does their office look completely different than when we saw it during “The City?”  Wasn’t there one episode where Kelly’s office was up in the attic?  I’m confused.  Anyway, it’s Fashion Week and everyone is losing their sh*t.  The person I’ve voted “Most Likely To Perform Murder-Suicide in the Office” goes to Stefanie Skinner.  Stef used to be Kiki’s assistant, but is now a junior account executive.  Apparently her duties include “doing everything” and then “doing everything else” and then “getting yelled at when “everything” isn’t 100% done.  Stefy-poo spends countless minutes rubbing her face and looking like she’ll burst into tears in a moments notice.

As crazy busy as they are, Kelly finds the time to help her new assistant, Andrew M, find a sexual partner.  This includes looking out the window and pointing people out.  Andrew M kinda looks like that kid in high-school that may or may not have shot the place up, but in the end we learn that he’s a nice kid. I mean he borderline looks like the guy from “Ghost” who yelled “Get off my train!!!!!” but we won’t hold that against him.

Who knew that Kiki Cutrone was friends with Ashley Dupre?  I guess Kiko was fired from a fashion show for seating Ashley (the call girl) in the front row.  Kel didn’t think it was a big deal as she ponders what a hooker actually is.  She thinks technically everyone is a hooker and, well, I guess she’s right.  I mean, I’m not going to argue with her.

So here’s why I feel like I’m not going to be able to recap this show.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t know any of these designers and I don’t know any of these buzzwords they’re using.  All I know is that it’s like watching an episode of Intervention because my heart is racing the whole time and I don’t know what to do next.  So I guess we’re at a fashion show by some guy from Spain?  Everyone is dressed like green after dinner mints.  Kelly kicks out a photographer who is taking pictures of the girls getting dressed and undressed which she instructed everyone not to do.  She later makes up with him, but if only he can get a nice group photo and put it on his website.  Huh?  I’m confused.

Suddenly when I couldn’t become any more confused, enter Andrew S.  No joke, sub-titles please.  Does he have an over bite?  Does he have an under-bite?  Is he slurring his words?  One may never know.  Apparently Andrew S used to be a big hair stylist in LA and gave it all up to have Kelly Cutrone kick him in the nuts 5 days a week.  Andrew, who could potentially be cast in the next season of Jersey Shore for his tan alone, tries to give Stef some pills to relax which is cool to do on camera…I guess.

Later we learn that everyone basically lives in the building they work in.  Kelly lives on the 4th floor, and works on the 2nd and 3rd floor.  One of the other chicks (Robyn?) lives on the 5th floor.  Nightmare.  Although it works out for Kelly as her 7 year old daughter gets to spend a ton of time with her.  Seeing Kelly as a mom is pretty entertaining, although I wish her daughter, Ava, would yell things like “shut the F up” and other trash-mouth curses.  She doesn’t, however.  She seems very well rounded and mature for her age.  High five to Kiko.

In the end, everyone is losing their mind because the seating chart and RSVP list (is that the same thing?  I have no idea) won’t format correctly in order to be sent to the client.  Poor Stef looks like she’s ready to flip the table over and take a 4 story jump out of the office window.  Andrew looks like he’s ready to tell someone to get off his train and Kelly appears to be ready to make everyone put on purple jogging suits and black Nike sneakers, drink some poisoned Kool-Aid, and get ready to take a magical ride on a spaceship.

Will the client get the list in time?  We don’t know as they’ve decided to do the old “Who’s The Boss” cliffhanger.  Tune in next week to find out.

Ok, so here’s the deal.  I’m going to have to get creative on how to recap this moving forward because this is the worst one I’ve ever done.  Ever.  Even I hate it and I think everything I do is brilliant.  I blame the show for not being trashy enough.  Boooo.

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