If you’re like me and sick of hearing about Tiger Woods and his alleged mistresses, let’s have our favorite 80’s Apple IIc computer game, Oregon Trail, decide the fate of this scandal. I mean, this is what I do to make major decisions in my life, so it only makes sense that Tiger do the same. Boarding the covered wagon and heading to the Oregon Trail is Tiger Woods, his wife Elin Nordegren-Woods, and some of his most famous mistresses, Rachel Uchitel, Jamie Grubbs, and Jamie Jungers. Let’s see how this turns out and have Tiger narrate his journey.
- Yeesh! You can cut the sexual tension in this wagon with the knife I stabbed in my wife’s back! This is going to be a bit awkward, but today is a beautiful day so maybe I’ll get in a little golf before we try and cross that river. Oh, and Elin is making me clean up after the Oxen…with my toothbrush….and then drink it….and say the following sentence out loud to everyone, “This is my new Gatorade endorsement now, bitches!!”
- Crap, our wagon tipped over on the river. We lost some of our shiz and Jamie Jungers flipped overboard, but luckily she had a little something to help keep her afloat. P.S, those “3 sets of clothing” were all mine….and Elin actually tossed them in the water. I hope this makes us “even.”
- Gross! Jamie Grubbs got dysentery! None of us really know what that is, but there seems to be a terrible stench coming from her crotch region. Rumor around the wagon is that she got it from “doing sex” to one of the Oxen. The group came together and voted she’ll be sleeping on the roof of the wagon for the next 7 days.
- Hahaha so here’s the thing, right. After her dysentery, Jamie Grubbs got bitten by a snake. But get this, this is just what we told everyone. You see it’s this code we came up with one night when we were texting each other 7thgrade smut-talk and it means, well….let’s just put it this way. My snake may have bit her, but it definitely didn’t sting. Ironically enough, it did sting when I pee’d a few days later. Ugh if this wasn’t 1848 I’d totally get that checked out by the good old Doc. Oh, note to self: Running low on Ambien.
- Blah. Elin is such a stick in the mud. So she gets this “fever” and is all pissed off. I told if she has a fever the only thing that can cure it is more cowbell. Cowbell! She. Did. Not. Find. That. Funny. Ugh, she’s totally lost her entire sense of humor after this whole mistress scandal broke. Geesh!
- You think it’s cold out there with that severe blizzard? You should try making small talk in the wagon with all these cold bitches! Hey oh!
- Well, we’re all out of food. I think Jungers has been sneaking extra donuts. Anyway, some Indians came and helped us find food. Wasn’t really the Indians I thought we’d encounter out here, but still helpful nonetheless.
- We’re about to vote Jungers off the wagon. Now she has Typhoid. Half of us don’t know what this disease is either, but we can all agree we’ve never seen someone sneeze out of their crotch before. That Jamie Jungers, what a talent! And worth every penny! Allegedly.
- Keep calm, everyone. Rachel Uchitel is just a little tired from the Ambien that we took last night. You see, we like to take a bunch of Ambien and then have sex with each otherbecause, you know, it’s so cool having sex when you’re half asleep and snoring. Oh and when she’s drooling out the sideof her mouth onto the pillow and doing that weird “leg kick” thing you do when you’re just about to go to sleep and start dreaming that you’re falling….yeah, HOT!
- So I text messaged Grubbs to meet me in “Tiger’s Woods” so we can hunt for a little meat (wink, wink) if ya know what I mean. Yeah, well the Ambien must have still been working its magic because I accidentally sent it to Elin and, well, she showed up in the woods and tried to rob me and take my money. She’s such a go-getter! I miss her. Well, I miss her the 7th most, you know, out of my lineup.
- Yikes! I can’t catch a damn break, can I? I have the worst luck. I hate my life! Rachel Uchitel died. Damn it and she was one of my favorite mistresses too! It’s times like these that you really sit back and reflect, you know? Like, for example, I started to reflect on all my alleged mistresses and noticed that they all kinda got uglier and more busted as we went down the line. Like, mistresses 1 through 3 were pretty hot….but then 4-8 were pretty below average….and then don’t even get me started once I got to 9 – 12! Ugh, it was like I was just banging anything with eyes and I’m not even sure if one of the last one had eyes!?
- Great. Well, Jungers just kicked it too. At least Elin finally has half-a-smile on her face. Elin told us it’s a Swedish custom to have the Oxen drag the dead body for the remainder of the trip. So, yeah, we’ll give that a go.
- That’s odd. Elin says she’s come down with Typhoid too. Can you catch that from someone? She doesn’t look sick? And I’m pretty sure, now that I think about it, that “typhoid” is Swedish for “gank your money.” I’ll keep an eye on her for the next few…..oh HEY Grubbs, you’re looking good today. Ow! Ow!
- I know it looks like I’m psyched that Elin has died, but I”m not technically psyched, I’m just…..hehehehe! Yeah boy! Cha-ching! Sidestepped that landmine! This day will always be a bit of a blur to me, but as the story will always be told for years to come, once Elin passed away people on the Oregon Trail swore that they saw dollar signs raining down from the Heavens!
- And. It. Just. Keeps. Gettin’. Better! So I’m continuing on the trail with my bitch, J Grubbs, and JACKPOT! We find this abandon wagon that had an extra wagon wheel. Sweet! We were just about to leave the wagon when all of sudden my alleged 10th mistress, Mindy Lawton, comes literally crawling out of the woodwork. Lawton, Grubbs, and I all just looked at each other and had a good laugh. Ooopsie! I decided to leave Mindy on the trail since I’m out of Ambien and finally realized she looked like Ms. Hannigan on a meth binge. What happens on the trail stays on the trail. What, what!
- Oh snap! Maybe I should have traded Jamie Grubbs for Mindy. We ran out of water and Jamie peaced out. I took out her face piercing and tossed it in the river like an elderly Rose did with her necklace on the Titanic. Oh, and I’m currently using her tanned skin as curtains on the wagon to help keep the sun out. It’s getting hottsy totsy out there!
- Kinda quiet with just me in the wagon. Dum-de-dum-de-dum. Me and one of the Oxen gave it a go for a little while, but it wasn’t really the same. The Oxen couldn’t do “sexting” like the other girls could. Is it getting chilly in here? Why is everything getting so blurry. Oh crap. Typhoid!
- Well I had a really good run. I kind of lived the life of a rewarded suicide bomber, but here on earth. I mean, don’t get me wrong, these 17 women were no virgins, but you get the point. I didn’t know Heaven would be so damn hot. That’s weird, what’s Michael Jackson doing here? I assumed he was going to hell. Oh. Well this sucks.
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