Well, well, well. So we meet again, bitches. IBBB’s “The City” and “The Hills” recaps aren’t even cold in their grave yet, but I could not pass up the opportunity to check out Jersey Shore and throw a little recap against the wall and see if it sticks. All I have to say is that I got skin cancer just from watching the first 4 minutes of the crapisode. Wondering why most countries hate us? Well I have 4 words for you: Snooki.
Let’s take a moment to meet the cast of Jersey Shore, yeah? This next paragraph is sponsored by AquaNet.
Pauly D – Pauly D loves being a “Guido.” He spends 25 minutes on his hair to make it look like a cross between the centerpiece of a dinner table during Christmas and a Troll Doll. Pauly D is (fist) pumped to be heading to the Jersey Shore from Rhode Island, so much in fact that he’s making sure to pack his 14 tubes of gel. Luckily he’s driving because security at the airport would not allow him to bring his head through the security checkpoint as there is more than 3 ounces of gel in his hair alone.
Nicole aka Snooki – Snooki, the spawn of Lil Kim and Danny Devito has a dream, you guys. And her dream is to move to New Jersey, meet a hot, tanned, “juiced” Guido and live her life as a Guidette. I know homeless people who wouldn’t even move to Jersey and that includes if Oprah bought them a furnished/paid for house there. Snookie wears her hear in a “poof” to pay homage to the BumpIt and keeps it in place by what I can only assume is a banana-clip. She’s loud, has a snaggle tooth, minimal eyebrows, and her FUPA meets her tanned boobs in all the right places. In one word, she’s a dream come true.
Mike “The Situation” – Mike is the grandfather of the group and will now only be referred to as “Grandpa Situation” since the tanning has aged him about 24 years. He’s proud to not only be a Guido, but an Italian Guido. He’s called “Grandpa Situation” because he has abs and is sure to show them off any chance he gets, which is good, I guess, because it takes away from his Q-Tip sized head. Grandpa Sitation works out 5 days a week, smokes cigarettes in his car, and tans….all normal in the Guido world. One can’t figure out how he so tanned that he’s gone from brown, to red, to orange, and now to what I can only assume is Burnt Sienna.
Sammi Sweetheart – Sweetheart is self-described as the “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet, but don’t f*ck with me.” She too is looking for the hottest Guido in “da club” and is working on being the best Guidette she can be. She claims this means having good hair, tanned skin, and “cakes on the makeup.” Sweetheart has a little something to say to you if you’re NOT a Guido. “Get the f*ck out of my face.” She’s talking to you, Thomas Shamus O’Brien!
Vinny – Vinny a “generational Italian” from Staten Island (go figure) is college educated, lives at home with his family, and has his mother cook and clean for him. A potential future wife-beater, Vinny can frequently be found in “da club” fist pumping with chronic pit-stain problems. When he’s not driving around in his yellow car and getting his eyebrows waxed, he’s having fun by wearing his sunglasses in “da club.” Sadly, Vinny will be the most normal on this show.
Jenni “JWoww” – JWoww loves grinding with “da guys” at “da club,” is burnt to a crisp and has fake boobs that are so far apart they look like Kermit the Frog’s eyes. She frequently wears tight jeans that have been totally bleached out in spots, which really makes the white streaks in her hair pop! So is anyone going to mention the fact that she has a penis too? No? Ok then. Current Probable Job: Truck driver of a 16-wheeler. Future Probable Job: 18-wheeler.
Ronnie – Ronnie is the workout king thanks to a lot of “As Seen on TV” products that are scattered around his house. He, too, likes to tan, gel his hair, get haircuts, and wear big gold chains. He believes that when he takes his shirt off the girls just come to him like “flies on sh*t” so, yes, he did just equate himself to sh*t. When he’s not carrying around non-human-sized jugs of Protein Whey, he spraying his cologne, and taking his shirt off. I’m sensing an overall theme here.
Angelina – Angelina is the self-described “Kim Kardashian” of the Jersey Shore. Ah yes, aim high, Angelina, aim high. She’s not only proud to be tanned and a Guidette, but also because she has real boobs and a “fat ass” according to her….and my eyes. She should be proud of her thunder thighs too. You do not want to get on her bitchy size because she can cuss you out with her speed-talking-slurred-jumbled-words and, well, no one needs that.
Well now that we’re caught up with who we’re watching, let’s discuss the remaining 2-hours of the show, that I cursed MTV the whole time. This section is sponsored by: Draka Noir.
- Everyone couldn’t be more excited to get to the Jersey Shore house, well actually Pauly D is the most excited because he’s never been to Jersey and wants to see what it looks like. Hint: Take a dump in a blender, toss in 2 cups of sand, 1 rotten egg, and “mix” for 2 minutes. Remove cover. Look inside blender. That’s Jersey.
- All of the Lord’s Guido’s and Guidette’s are deciding who gets what rooms, based on who they think is a douche-bag or not. Is there a way to really win at that game? Poor Snooki. She’s driving and swearing all whilst her banana-clip is attached to her steering wheel and her car breaks down. She’s one of the last to arrive and is ready to party it up and does she ever!
- Angelina actually arrives last and brings her clothes in a garbage bag. Ironic. The joke writes itself.
- By the way, why is half of this show filmed in “Sepia?”
- The Jersey Shore house is kind of a sh*t hole. MTV, clearly, spent under $100 dollars on this, but everyone is so happy. As I look around the room it appears that everyone is wearing every accessory that Aldo Shoe’s sells in the mall. I also realize that, God-forbid, there was a fire, everybodys head would be up in flames, like running torches, in a matter of nano-seconds.
- Snooki gets trashed in the matter of minutes, which is weird because both Lil Kim and Danny Devito can both hold their alcohol. Well not Snooki. She isolates herself from the rest of the group, who begin to all make fun of her for being “stupid” behind her back, which is kinda like listening to people wheelchairs making fun of someone for not being able to walk. Snookie puffs up her poof and then heads into the hot tub with all the guys and takes off her dress/shirt and goes in with her bra and thong. She then tries to get sexy with all the guys in the hot tub, but it’s like watching when a skunk falls into a pool. And she has more rolls on her back than a walking bread salesman at an Arabian market. Finally she ends up falling down the stairs and then falling asleep on a hammock whilst the rest of the Douche-Bag Brigade head out to explore their new toxic/smoggy surroundings.
- Snookie + Duck Phones = Disaster.
- We learn that JWoww has a boyfriend and the guys really seemed pissed by this. I’m not sure why as it looks like she’s been hit in the face with a bouquet of dicks. And, still, no one seems to be asking if she’s got a set of balls down her pants. Odd.
- Similar to The Real World, the Guido’s and Guidettes have a job that they must go to. You guessed it! They’re working at a T-shirt store! Seriously, the store looks like it smells like Sears, and I had a seizure just looking at it. Lil Snooki Devito is late for her first day of “selling t-shirts” because she’s been puking all morning. She’s upset because no one will hold her BumpIt whilst she pukes in the toilet. Hey, it’s Jersey, just puke outside!
- Later that night the Guido’s invite these “girls” that were walking by their house to come up to go in the hot tub. These girls literally looked like they washed up on shore. I’m pretty sure one still had seaweed on her leg and the other had a clam clamped to her boob. Everyone gets in the hot-tub to make a nice big pot of Douche-Bag Stew, sprinkled with a dash of STDs. I’m surprised all the guys weren’t screaming to not get their hair wet, but let’s face it, the gel as cemented at this point anyway. The girls who washed up on shore have now taken their thongs off in the hot tub and made their parents proud all at the same time. Good luck on that job interview, girls, at the……nail salon. Fine nevermind, I’m almost positive that getting into a strangers hot tub and removing your underpants within the first 3 minutes is a requirement of landing a job at a nail salon anyway. My bad.
- Everyone is making out in the hot tub and doing the “three-way-kiss” like it’s Spring Break 1998 all over again. I actually just got crabs looking at this scene so, well, that sucks. Sweetheart and Angelina, the Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett of our generation, are pissed that skanks are making a stew in their hot tub. Angelina is especially pissed at Grandpa Situation because she thinks that he and Sweetheart have already made a special connection in the 14 minutes that they’ve been in the house. Angelina says, “You’re not The Situation, you’re no situation.” Yup.
- Seriously, I think Snooki has permanent brain injuries from that hair poof being too tight. While the rest of the girls in the house are bitching about the skanks that the guys brought home, Snooki is in bed and thinking that they’re talking about her, which CLEARLY they are not. Snooki decides she’s going to leave because, well, she gave it a good 5 hours and if she doesn’t bond with these people in the first 5 hours, she never will. I find it most shocking, however, that Snooki knows how to pack up a suitcase all by herself. Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl, Snooki, you are!
- Guido Question of the Day: Do you need to wear a new “wife-beater” each time you put one on or can you get a certain amount of washes out of it before the pit-stain begin to eat the fabric?
- In the end, Snooki decides she going to stay, partially because she thinks she should give it a fair chance and partially because she knows that deep-down she’s spent her life savings on tanning and BumpIts and has nothing else going on in her life besides this show.
- While this show does make my brain rot with delight, the fact that this season premiere is 2 hours makes me want to wax off my eyebrows and draw them back in with a Sharpie. For the final 45 minutes I’m just giving a bit of an overview.
- Everyone must work different shifts at the T-shirt store. Want to check out some really good Jersey t-shirts? Check out Jersey Sucks for all your Jersey t-shirt needs. Anyway, Grandpa Situation has his own “selling style” which consists of showing all the douchey customers his abs. I’m pretty sure that’s the way that Henry Ford sold his first car. JWoww has her own selling style too, which I assume it signing each t-shirt sold with her penis.
- To no surprise when the Douche-Bag Brigade decides to get ready to go out for the night it consists of a lot of aresol hair spray, a lot of poof, and…wait for it….wait for it…wait for it….Ed Hardy t-shirts! Whilst at “da club” the fist pumping is in full force and Pauly D and JWoww start grinding their different color tanned bodies against each other. Once he puts his hands on her stonewashed/bleached jeans she goes in for the kill and a kiss takes place. JWoww lets us know that she “technically” cheated on her boyfriend. Bonus points for knowing the word “technically” but it was not needed in that sentence because there isn’t a way to “non-technically” cheat. I am surprised, however, that their heads didn’t form a glue and stick together due to the combination of heat, sweat, gel, and AquaNet.
- The “party” continues back at the house. JWoww figures out that Pauly D has his penis pierced. I was waiting for her to say, “My penis is pierced and my scrotum is too, wanna see!?” Meanwhile Snooki brought someone home too. She really caught herself a winner because while sitting on the roofdeck waiting to see the sunrise, her “date” passes out, wakes up, sits up and projectile vomits. I’m gonna say that one again. PROJECTILE VOMITS. Snooki then makes him finish puking over the deck railing and onto the streets of the Jersey Shore just like everyone else in Jersey does. Snooki walks her puking date home and decides not to kiss him because he has “pukey breath.” That Snookie! What a class act!
- The “next day” we learn that Vinny has full blown AIDS. Oh, pink-eye? Oh. He made it seem like he was dying of AIDS. It’s just pink-eye. He has to miss work and needs someone to cover his shift until 9pm, but the girls will only cover his shift until 7pm because they legit need from 7pm – 11:00 to get ready in order to go out by 11:30. The guys are shocked by this, but it makes sense to me, espcially with JWoww. 2 hours to push her boobs as far apart as humanly possible, and the remaining 1 hour to tuck her penis.
- Well it’s another night at “da club” and all seems normal to me so far. People are fist pumping, shirts are coming off, hair and eyebrows are glistening in the camera lights, and JWoww and Pauly D start to kiss. Yup, all is normal. That is until JWoww disappears from “da club” so she can go home and not cheat on her boyfriend, but that’s not before she apparently stops at the store to buy ham and water. Yes, ham. I’ll assume the slices of ham are needed so she can somehow create a faux-vagina for herself whilst her penis is tucked under her legs. The water? Well, to keep things sanitary of course!
- Meanwhile back at “da club” Sammi Sweetheart starts kissing Grandpa Situation. Next thing you know some time passes and she’s kissing Ronnie. Ruh-roh Reorge! Grandpa Situation does not like this situation at all and a “Middle Fingers War” begins between Sammi Sweetheart and Grandpa Situation. Later, after there is a cease-fire in the Middle Fingers War, a fight breaks out between Pauly D and some other Guido who is not on the cast. A punch is thrown and next thing you know there is Guido chaos everywhere. All you see is spikey heads all banging into each other and gold chains flying all over the place. It is reminiscent of a Thanksgiving dinner at “Growing up Gotti.”
- They all finally make it home. The guys bring back some girls they found on the street and the girls at the house are not happy with this. I understand their concern as a grease-fire could break out at any moment. Sammi Sweetheart decides that she has feelings for Ronnie and not Grandpa Situation and I’m almost certain Ronnie isn’t even aware he’s on a television show.
- In the end they all decide they love each other like brothers and sisters and all is right with the world.
- Fist pump is the new cowbell.
Overall when this show goes back to just one hour I think it will be more tolerable. While most are already saying this is their guilty pleasure, I don’t feel guilty about watching it one bit. For me, it teaches me to never tan too much, thank God I gave up gel in the mid 90’s, and be grateful that after this series ends I won’t be forced to live out my remaining days working in a toll-booth on a bridge in New Jersey. Phew!
Wanna Facebook Me? Send Hate Mail and Love Letters Here!
Play the trivia game “Jersey Shore Hair…or Just an Animal?” by clicking on the video below:
By the way, can you find me in the above photo? Good, good for you. You shout it out when you know the answer, good. Like the t-shirt? You know you do. Buy some great Jersey Sucks t-shirts at JerseySucks. I don’t own (really) has asked me to re-partner up with them to sell some “Jersey Sucks” t-shirts. Seriously, they’re brilliant. Check out some of the slogans like: “Jersey Sucks,” “New Jersey Transit. Haulin the Trash,” “Dirty Jersey” and more!
