This week Holly Montag continues to entertain us with her drinking, her dancing, and her “drink dancing.” We should all feel very lucky because without this the episode would consist of a conversation between Audrina and LOser and a conversation between Heidi and Steve Sanders. Here’s what went down last night on Da Hills:
- We kick things off with Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender at the beach. At first I realized that Stacie the Pointless Bartenders boobs seemed to be down towards her waist, but then quickly I realized that these are “regular boobs” and everyone else on the show has had their boobs surgically pushed up towards their chin. You really learn a lot watching The Hills.
- Is Holly drunk yet?
- Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Kristin are coming up with a “list” for the party on who they should invite and they just mention everyone who’s in the show. It’s awesome because both these chicks just became friends with half these people 2 episodes ago. Do you think Stacie knows the reason she’s on the show is so that Kristin has someone to talk about Justin Bobby to? They should have cast Lisa Love.
- NO ONE CARES ABOUT BRODY AND JAYDE. Next.
- As if this can’t get worse, we get to sit and listen to Heidi and Steve Sanders talk about life whilst Billy from Who’s the Boss colors at their coffee table. It’s shocking that Heidi has pencils at her house. Also, is Billy from Who’s the Boss wearing a Halloween wig? Seriously, call DSS because no parent in their right mind would let their kid film “scenes” with Heidi and Steve Sanders. I mean, the smell of the peroxide alone must be a cancer hazard.
- I love how Heidi informs us all that after their last meeting, Holly’s really tried to change her life. Really? Change her life? Let me just tell you that if Holly has a real drinking problem, then I’m shipping myself right to rehab. Also, Holly is funnier when she drinks, she’s prettier, she dances better, she’s more interesting and, overall, she’s just a better person. Take away the booze and Holly is Heidi.
- Yay! Holly is drunk! FINALLY! Honestly, did you notice how everyone on this show just drinks throughout it now? Thank Santa Christ I’m not the only one. I feel like I’m at the party with them.
- Holly has a shot, allegedly, and perhaps a Jack and Coke. Next scene? Holly is wearing some rope around her forehead (just like Cheri Johnson used to wear) and yellow sunglasses on her head…and she’s dancing. It’s finally getting good.
- I have so many favorite parts. Perhaps my favorite part is when she pretends to take a picture of a couple at the party with an imaginary camera and then she whispers, “You’re mine forever” and stumbles away. I mean, come on, brilliant. Perhaps my favorite part is when Holly wants to have a “breakdance fight.” Perhaps it’s when she’s doing the “running man” and then slapping her ass. Oh hell, these are all my favorite parts. Why choose just one? Also, I have actually done all of these things, including the imaginary camera. See you in rehab, Holly!
- Ugh, back to the boring part of the show. Justin Bobby txt messages Kristin and says, “hey boo, strike two, call you later.” I guess he isn’t showing up to Kristin’s party. This, of course, makes Kristin tell Brody the story and also make her say “dude” a lot. Oh, and she also steals a line from the vocabulary of Audrina and says, “I’m done. I’m done. No really, I’m done.” Seriously, I’m done. Next.
- Justin Bobby does show up to the party. What a surprise. Also a surprise, Brody and Jayde start fighting. Hmm, not interesting. What is interesting is how Jayde looks like she just got whacked with 15 dicks before she showed up to the party. Like just beat with dicks over and over again. And then she caked on her makeup…and then she got beat with some more dicks….and then she put shoe-polish in her hair….then more dicks….then she put her shirt on….then a couple more dicks….then she went to the party. More dicks.
- Later that night at “da party” J Bob and Kristin, who is now sporting a hat, are having a slurred out conversation. Awesome. I love Kristin and I love her voice even more when she’s slurring her words. She’s even throwing in her favorite line to J Bob again, “I’d be done.” Ahh the way she says it. That voice! She sounds like she’s dry humping a homeless man and choking on his tin-foil hat. Sweet.
- Back inside the house, Jayde is crying (although no tears seen) and bitching about Brody. Brody overhears her and starts yelling at her and saying she’s the one that drank an entire bottle of Jager. Why didn’t we see her drink that bottle? Sucks. Oh, and the writing staff must be slim-pickins because now Brody is using Audrina’s line…which is now Kristin’s line….and saying to his friends about Jayde, “I’m done…I’m done…it is over…I’m done….I’m like, done.” If by “done” he means “mass-murder-suicide” then I’m all in.
- Sweet! It’s now “Intervention Day” at Heidi’s house! The people leading Holly’s intervention consists of Stephanie Pratt, who looks like she’s down to about a healthy 98 pounds and just bought a new face, and Heidi Montag, who thinks she can actually sing and is completely fake from boobs up. Yeah, this should go well.
- Like any good intervention, Holly and Steph say “surprise” to Holly when she walks in.
- As a quick sidenote, Holly asks how Heidi’s doing to which she replies, “I’m good. Just hanging out and everything.” Exactly.
- The intervention begins and Heidi tells Holly that she thought she wasn’t going to drink anymore. Holly, who malfunctions, says, “I don’t know where that miscommunication happened….it’s my choice….I’m going to tone it down more….I’m an adult woman.” All brilliant. Fight the intervention, Holly, fight it! She should start pointing out their flaws now. Now would be a good time for that.
- Now Stephanie Pratt butts in. I think she’s technically having an intervention on the intervention, which I didn’t know what you could do. She tells Holly that rehab changed her life. Oh it did? Oh awesome! Wait a second…wasn’t she just arrested for DUI about 2 weeks ago? Hmm, maybe she missed the quick session during rehab where they tell you, you know, “not to drink.”
- Stephanie then tells Holly not to “bullsh*t a bullsh*tter.” She should have said, “Holly, don’t bullsh*t an anorexic with a brand new face.”
- Great! Now’s the part where Heidi tells Holly she loves her and Holly starts to cry and they all try to hug Holly and she starts freaking out. The only part that was missing was, “Holly, if you don’t get help today our relationship will change in the following ways.” Which probably would have consisted of, “I won’t let you be on The Hills anymore and I’ll kill our dumb horse in Crested Butte.”
- Holly decides to peace-out of the intervention and gives them the finger as she leaves! I LOVE IT! I hope this means more drunken Holly because, to be honest, this is the only way I can watch the show now.
- Special Message from IBBB: If you or a loved one feeling like they’re struggling with addiction please step in….and ask them to keep doing it if they’re on a reality show because it’s really fun to watch. The More You Know.
Let’s Be Facebook Friends! Click Here to Start an Awkward Relationship!
