Sweet! We’re kicking off on a fun-filled voyage with some close friends: Kelly CUNTrone, Tyra Banks, Bindi Irwin (that little bitch), and Papouli from Full House! I’ve bought the clothes, the oxen, some axel, a few yokes, 10 boxes of bullets (in case Bindi gets out of hand), and some food (in case Tyra need to “comfort eat”). What can go wrong? Oh, and by the way we’re under 3 minutes on our journey and Kelly CUNtrone already stinks.
God almighty! So here’s the deal. There’s already been some tension in the covered wagon between Kelly and Tyra. Kelly tried to ask Tyra if she had an eating disorder, Tyra told Kelly to kiss her fat ass, and, well, Papouli is very literal so he did it. He kissed that fat ass. Kelly needed to get some air and has been missing for 4 days. Why couldn’t it be Bindi? Why!?!
Well guess who’s being a little bitch? “Wah I’m hot.” “Wah I’m cold.” Wah, where am I?” Boo hoo Bindi. Bindi caught herself a fever. Don’t tell anyone, but I told her that her fever would go away if she let the oxen pee on her for 10 minutes. She tried it. Now she stinks as bad as CUNTrone.
Dear Diary – I hate it on this wagon. The only fun that I’ve been allowed to have (besides that Bindi/oxen/piss thing) was watching this dumb animal get mad cow disease. The way he did that dancing trot brought minutes of laughter for all of us. I guess it’s not so bad here. Oh wait, the oxen just died. Papouli is crying. Baby.
Ugh. Did I tell ya or did I tell ya? Guess who just caught measles? Looks like someone hasn’t been taking their Flintstones chewables that I brought along for the trip. Are measles contageous? Either way, Bindi is being secluded and asked to ride on the roof of the wagon. No one objected and DSS doesn’t even exist yet, which is extremely convenient.
So we had no idea what was the matter with Tyra today. Tyra. I thought she was modeling her ass off, but apparently she caught some new disease called “dysentery.” Tyra immediately tried to change the name of the disease to “dysentyra.” We promised her we’d see what we could do once we got to Oregon. That’s the other thing. We are heading to Oregon, right? Eh.
Well someone got tired from teaching all of us a great dance. There was a lot of jumping and “oopa” yelling, but after 20 minutes Papouli was winded. Hopefully he doesn’t die peacefully in his sleep. Oopa!
“Hey guys – I’m going to take this here gun and got out to the “woods” and see if I can kill us some food for dinner, ok?” I’m actually heading out to make myself take a dirtnap. These people are the worst. No really, they are. This field is pretty nice. I wish I didn’t have to gun myself down. Maybe I can train that buffalo to kick the chair out from under me. “Hey buffalo?” Oooops. Shot him. Accident.
So rumor has it that Papouli has a snake bite. What’s worse is that the rumor is that the snake bite is on his pee-pee. Hey, even Papouli gets lonely out here in the wagon and Kelly CUNTrone refuses to give anyone any action. Oh crap, is Bindi still on the roof?
Wow! No one can believe it! Tyra actually became exhausted from talking about herself this entire trip. Once she stopped telling us stories we just assumed she was dead. She isn’t.
Sniff, sniff. Sniff, sniff. Uncle Jesse? Is it ok to cry? Well Papouli has kicked the bucket. Oopa! No one seems to be upset, except for Bindi who is complaining about Papouli supposed to be teaching her and her class a great dance at school (once we get to Oregon). Hopefully Uncles Jesse can wear his red jeans and show up to Bindi’s school and do the dance with her. Oh well. Oopa!
Hmmph. Who knew that Indian’s weren’t all about declaring jihad? Anyway, Tyra was out in the wilderness making clothes from sticks, leaves, and mud when she came across (giggity) some Indian’s. There were actually two Indian’s but I heard she talked one of them to death. The remaining Indian agreed to trade Tyra some of his food for catwalk lessons. Boys and girls, that Indian later in life became known around the world as “Ms J.” This concludes our Social Studies lesson plan for the day.
What a crappy day (again). Tyra was showing us all her fiercest runway walk that she did during the Victoria Secret fashion show and blah blah blah, when her leg literally just broke. But you wanna know what? Tyra kept walking. Oh did she ever. Even with her bone sticking directly out of her leg she walked. Well, she kinda dragged the leg but, still, you get the point.
A thief came in the middle of the night and robbed our asses. It actually just ended up being Kelly with a cowboy hat on, but still, we feel violated.
Is it just me or is it a GREAT DAY! The birds are singing, the weather has been getting better, we’re almost at our next destination. Wonderful. Oh, Bindi died. I guess we left her on the roof too long. Regardless, we’ve used her rotting corpse as a fat suit for Tyra. Tyra wants to provide social experiments to more Indian’s along the way and thinks if she dresses in a fat suit she will change the course of history. Oh that Tyra!
Well looks like that fat suit idea was a bust. I guess someone should have told Tyra it was going to be 110 degrees today.
We had been having some water problems recently and Kelly has been drinking piss the whole time. You guys, she’s dead. We don’t have any doctors onboard, but I think it’s safe to assume she died of “piss overload.” It’s a real thing.
Bindi may be burning in hell right now, but looks like she got me again! I’m suffering from the measles and I’m not totally sure, but I think my penis just fell off. Didn’t know that could happen. Guess it can. Hmmmph.
Hi everyone! I’m contacting you all via my Ouija Board. Sucks to be dead. Oh, and Bindi says hello. I’ll see the majority of you down here soon. Bring iced coffee.