The Hills Recap: Stephanie Pratt is the World’s Worst Intern….and Person.

The Hills is back and it’s already going down hill (pun sorta intended, and sorta not used in the right way) and by “already” I mean “since season 2.”  Will Audrina use her teeth on Brody?  Will Sandy Sanders sink Pubic Revolution?  Will LC’s ’stache get hired as an even newer intern?  Will Jen Bunney ever make it back onto the set?  Will Heidi’s lips get suctioned to the car window?  All this and less will be answered on this episode of The Hills……join me, won’t you?

• Tonights crapisode kicks off with Lauren and Audrina having drinks at Big Wangs, which is perhaps the biggest reality/fauxlebrity hangout in LA.  Lauren is is dressed like a lumberjack and Audrina is dressed like a backup dancer in a Robert Palmer video.  Simply irresistible.  She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where her old teeth went. 
• Oddy and LC discuss Oddy’s dating life and they giggle like school-girls in heat when Audrina tells Lauren “if you see anyone my type, send him over!”  Oh that Audrina!  She’s like the Lucille Ball of our generation!
• It’s Sandy Sander’s first day working at Pubic Revolution and she’s wearing what everyones grandmother wears to a wedding.  Lauren, again, is in red plaid.  The shows heroine, Kelly CUNTrone, is in what I think are army fatigues, and is yelling at Sandy Sanders for leaving her trash all around the office.  The chick that is with Kelly reminds me of a thinner/taller Cami from Laguna Beach. Ahhhh the good old days. 
• Kelly dumps over a box of clothes (which sorta doesn’t have anything in them) and alerts everyone that the clients will think Sandy Sanders ate crackers over their clothes.  I think it’s very symbolic that Kelly is tipping over a box.  In a way, she’s basically tipping over Sandy’s box, which represents her vaginastein and her owning Sandy as an intern.  I love symbolism. 
• Sandy Sanders is already the worst intern ever.  “Super Intern Emily” must be rolling over in her reality show character grave.
• Meanwhile Steve Sanders is outside of SBE telling Heidi that her favorite stalker is outside waiting for her, which is strange because I’m not outside waiting for her.  Oh wait, he wasn’t talking about me.
• Staged Fight Alert:  Who gives a crap about Heidi and Spencer going to see a therapist.  Although, I did like it when Heidi stated that Steve Sanders is doing “God knows what, with the bartender, Stacie.”  Yeah, because any of this believable.  See you at therapy.
• Frankie is back and dancing up a storm!  Remember when there was a rumor that Frankie was dating Rihanna?  Brilliant!  That should have been a storyline on the show.  At least it would have possibly moved Frankie up into a regular character that could hit the $10K/episode mark.
• Frankie is dancing, Brodie is wearing a hood and keeps on putting his girfriend in numerous headlocks, and Justin Bobby is back!  Thank God!  I’m pretty sure Justin Bobby fell off the wagon, which really is the most entertaining way to watch him.  By the way, he’s dressed for a snowstorm at this club.
• The best part of the “club scene” is when LC spots J Bob and tries to tell Audrina.  She says, “Audrina, read my lips” and then all she says is “Justin is here” and Audrina goes, “what?” and LC has to say it again.  Pure brilliance.
• I’d also like to take this time to say that I don’t find the need to read books because I read enough sub-titles on The Hills.  And, as a side note this entire episode was basically all in sub-titles.  I was reading my ass off.  And I’m basically giving a book report right now.  I’m like a 4th grader.
• Justin Bobby comes up with yet another great line when Audrina hugs him and pats him on the back.  He says, “Don’t pat me.  Who pats anymore?  That’s like a burp.  You want me to burp you?”  Why doesn’t J Bob have his own show?
• By the way, I’m not going to even discuss this whole “Brody/Audrina” thing.  It’s as fake as Heidi and Steve Sanders going to a therapist…and is stupid….and I don’t care….and you shouldn’t either.
• The next night, Brody and Jayde are at “Apple” grabbing boobs and junk and calling Spencer.  Spencer pretends that he’s in Vegas.  Am I high right now?
• What do ya know?  Justin Bobby is at this club too!  This time he’s almost perfected his Unibomber look.  Impressive.  Eh, I guess it makes sense because I’m pretty sure he’s going to end up killing Audrina one day anyway.  Fitting.
• Days/years later, back at Pubic Revolution Sandy Sanders is declaring jihad on her job.  The phone rings, which she forgets to answer, then does answer it, then slams it down, then says she thinks she hung up on someone.  Um, yeah, that act of slamming down the phone does technically qualify for hanging up on someone.  I wonder if she’s on meth again?  I hope so!
• LC and Sandy are talking about checking in some boxes about something and adding something to the computer? I have no idea.  I don’t think they do either.   For them, this is like running lines that the actors on ER have to run about medical jargon. 
• Sandy Sanders starts doodling while LC is calmly talking to her and then tells her she isn’t good with confrontation.  Really?  How about that time when she confronted LC in Season 3 at “da club” for being mean to Heidi and Spencer?  Doesn’t she even watch her own episodes?  Geesh!
• Hi there, Dr Jordan Mansbacher!  Thanks for being on “The Hills!”  You must be a very qualified therapist if you answered the ad on Craigslist that said ”A hit reality show is looking for a therapist who isn’t afraid to stage an entire storyline.”  Seriously, take this chicks license away. 
• The only good thing about the therapy session is when Dr. Manf*cker tells Heidi and Steve Sanders that all of their problems are very “high school.”  She ends the session by asking Heidi what she’s still doing with him.  I hope she answers it by saying “$75,000 an episode.”  Stay tuned for to the next episode!

I hate this show and by “hate” I mean “love” and by “love” I mean “I’m really starting to hate.”