I Have 2 Words For You: The Hills Season 5 Premiere is Back! Recap Time!

Heidi’s been practicing chasing seagulls for months.  Lauren’s black mustache has grown in just right.  Audrina’s teethhave been filed down slightly smaller than a beavers overbite.  Steve Sanders (Spencer, for those of you who are quick to forget) has both his hair and Santa Pubes beard freshly frosted.  Sandy Sanders is newly out of a Walgreen’s backroom for alleged theft.  Lo is.  Lo is.  Lo just is.  Brody is over his bromance and looking for love. Justin Bobby is hot off the sauce. Jen Bunney has been waiting backstage for one entire season.  All of this can only mean one thing.  The. Hills. Is. Back.

Let us not take one scripted scene for granted because Lauren is jumping ship soon and this crap is about to go down faster than Audrina after a few shots.  Here’s what went down on the first two (yes, two) crapisodes of The Hills:

• Heidi looks like a Q-Tip.  You know how when sometimes your ears are really bad the cotton starts to separate from the rest of the Q-Tip, but never fully comes apart?  Anyone?  Yeah, well Heidi looks like that. 
• Heidi’s wondering why she wasn’t invited on Lauren’s yacht birthday party.  You think she’d know the script by now.  You’d also think she’d know enough to not wear a sidewards ponytail because it makes her nose lean to the right too much. Eh, but I digress.  The only person who I hope is invited on the yacht is Cami from Laguna Beach.  Remember when she wore that sailor hat on Spring Break with her rack flopping out of her bikini?  Good. Old. Days.
• Well Happy 4thBirthday to LC’s ’stache!  Ole!  Lauren and the rest of the beat-down-girls are in the limo on the way to the yacht and Lauren has shellackedon enough whore-red lipstick so that she can leave her “mark” on every dude at the party.  The good news is that the color red she’s wearing really makes the black mustache pop!  Audrina, of course, is in Zinc Pink.  She looks like she’s ready to call out a Bingo game.  I swear to God is she could count all the way to 5 you know she’d yell out, “B5?  Is there a B5 in the hall?”
• Heidi and Sandy Sanders chat in front of the closet (where Steve Sanders usually is) about sneak-attacking LC’s party.  Heidi doesn’t tell Steve she’s going to the fiesta de Conrad.  She’s totally going to catch a black-eye for that one.  I mean, she totally deserves it, but she’s still going to catch one.
• LC is blindfolded as she exits the limo like she’s ready to take a swing at the Pinata.  You know that Frankie was probably in charge of that. What.  Oh who cares, judge me later.  I’m 100% jealous of LC right now, you know, because she can’t see anything.  I wish I was watching this crap with a blindfold on and then someone would beat the bag out of me like I was a pinata.
• Frankie, Brody, and a few extras (probably that bitch “Jill”) are on the boat and scare the piss out of LC when they scream SURPRISE!  If I took my blindfold off and the first person I saw was Frankie, I’d put it back on and then jump overboard.
• Meanwhile back on the mainland, Steve Sanders’ friend “Charlie” is back.  Charlie should kill himself.
• The bartender, Stacie, is as hot as she is dumb (is that an analogy?).  She question/answers that Mexico is a different country.  I’d be like, don’t act so surprised.  You remember Mexico.  It’s the place you got your illegal boob job when you were 13.
• I love when Heidi walks.  Her shoulders are so damn high.  Watching her walk down the dock towards the boat whilst she’s carrying stuff automatically turns her into a Weeble.  Same life-likeness too.
• If Lauren had any kind of smarts when Heidi yelled Happy Birthday, she should have yelled back, “Why does it smell like low-tide in here” and then pointed towards Heidi’s vagina.  See why I should work on this show?  I’m just a wasted talent…and a waste…all at the same time.
• Uh, I just spotted Holly Ethel Mertz Montag in the background.  Uh, anyone wanna explain why they’re not showing her more and why Heidi isn’t talking to her?  Anyone? F. I bet the horse from Crested Butte is on the roofdeck of that boat.  Oh, I’m naming the boat the S.S Mustache!
• Spencer says blah blah blah to the hot bartender and Sandy Sanders ex-boyfriend sees this and decides to throw a bitch-fit and text Sandy Sanders to tell her.  Sandy then tells Audrina, who looks like she needs about 25 minutes to process the information, and then they tell Heidi.  Heidi practices her best blowup doll face and wants to get off the boat.  She should have said, “I want to depart the SS Mustache at once!”
• Oh Jesus, Steve Sanders and Cameron are about to fight.  I feel like they’re going to have a dance off.  Steve Sanders takes off his fitted leather shirt jacket and starts yelling “hit me first, dog.”  Dog?  “Dog” is about still as cool as “off the hook.”  Steve Sanders fights Cameron the way I used to fight Glass Joe from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.  He gave him a swift uppercut to the chin and then start slapping punches into the air.  The fight was “broken up” (aka someone yelled “cut”) and Steve Sanders grabbed his coat, fixed his tanktop (??) and that was the end of that.  Watching girls right is dramatic.
• Speaking of which, Heidi is “shaking” because of the text message from Steve Sanders.  She’s probably shaking because so much of her fake body is fighting with the windy sea and it doesn’t know which way to go.  Anylips, the scene we’ve all been waiting for, yet have already seen….
• First off, Lauren is a drunken mess, which makes her way hotter (even with the ’stache).  She is crying because she’s drunk.  I know girls like this.  You could tap them on the shoulder and when they’re that drunk they’ll cry.  Heidi, on the other hand, is crying because she’s been in acting class for 3 months and has perfected “the tears.”  Lauren calls Steve Sanders an asshole and then suggests that she and Heidi “have another drink” and take it from there.  I hope she opens the beer bottle between Heidi’s rack.

Episode Two (This Sh*t is Killing Me!)

• The fighting continues, but this time it’s between Steve and Sandy Sanders.  I kinda wish he’d hit her the way he did Cameron. Oh well, I’m just an a-hole.  Anyway, Sandy Sanders thinks Steve Sanders will be living a lonely single life.  Hmmm, perhaps she’s seen the Us Weekly deal?
• Heidi puts on her best lions mane and trucks her ass to Dime bar to find the bartender, Stacie, who just happens to be there working.  What luck!  Que Suerte!  I almost lost Heidi twice in the conversation because her hair was devouring her face.  Heidi asks Stacie about the faux-flirting and Stacie will not stand for her man to ask another girl to dance on a bar.  Oh no sir-e-bob!  Who gives 3 F’s?  Although, Stacie did have an “Elodie Moment” when she ended the conversation with”Good luck with that!”  Too bad she didn’t toss in a “See Ya!”
• Heidi and Steve Sanders have their weekly faux-fight and Heidi decides she’s packing up her bags and heading to Crested Butte!  Thank God! I love Crested Butte.  I wish there was a show called “Crested Butte” that was just a 30 minute freeze-frame of a Darlene Montag standing in front of a snowy mountain with her smart horse standing next to her.  I’m writing a letter.
• WOW!  The Hills money must have been good for Darlene because it looks like she has a new house and a bit of a new face.  Something is different.  Was she always Asian? Maybe she just brushed her hair. Oh! Maybe it’s the horses tail!?
• Lauren is going out with a bang.  She put Sandy Sanders in her place about inviting Heidi to her b-day party.  She should carry around a belt or a wooden stick like the nuns used to and just start slapping people on the knuckles and shout out, “Lauren has spoken!”
• Brody and Steve Sanders are reunited.  They’re dropping a lot of “hommies” and “dogs.”  When together, Brody and Steve Sanders are the blackest people on television.
• Heidi and crew head out for a wonderful dinner when all of a sudden Heidi’s 8thgrade boyfriend, Colby, shows up.  What a treat this will be.  Darlene looks like she’s ready to have Colby eat his appetizer off her rack and take a shot out of her “Crested Butte” and by that I, of course, am referring to Mrs. Montag’s vagina.  I say “Mrs” because I am a classy gentleman. 
• Meanwhile, back in Hollywood, Lauren and Brody head out to sit on a couch at a hotel and talk about Heidi and Steve Sanders.  Lauren realizes that “the two people that they burned are the only people they have to call.”  She’s like a real life genius.  She should solve cold-cases or something.
• Flip back to Crested Butte and Heidi is wearing some type of contraption on her head they either keeps her warm….or mass produces snow cones.  It’s hard to tell. 
• Heidi tells Darlene that she’s glad that she didn’t get married.  I’m sure they yelled “cut” before Heidi got to finish the sentence with…..”before MTV pays for my big elaborate wedding.”
• Steve Sanders and “Charlie” head back to Dime to take shots with Stacie.  They try to convince us that Steve Sanders may go home with Stacie.  Unless Stacie is already in Us Weekly, it aint happening.  What’s sad is that Stacie is hot…hotter than Heidi and looks more life-like than Heidi.  It’s a real shame she’s gonna get plowed by some other stranger tonight.  Oh well, such is life.

Well that wraps up the 2 episode Creature Double Feature.  I’m proud of myself for not getting into the bathtub with my laptop and then throwing a toaster in with me.  Until next week, my friends, may all of your days be Hills recap days.  No idea what that means. Ole!