The City Recap: Olivia and Whitney Have a Sassoff! What Was Whitney ThinkinK?

• In typical “Who’s the Boss” cliffhangers, we have a continuation of The City in which we will discover the confrontation between Allie and Catarina, which I will now refer to as “Operation Allie Cat.” See what I did there?
• We start off with Whitney being extremely productive at work (just like the good old days) and combing through her Google email as Olivia “catwalks” into the office wearing what I can only assume is the top half of an ostrich costume. In cases like this I can only hope that that “carpet doesn’t match the drapes” because, well, those ostrich feathers are too long and too dark. She’d be like a cavewoman or even worse, someone from one of those middle eastern countries where they just hide behind beat-up cars and throw rocks at each other while the National Geographic Channel films it for a documentary. Yeah, so….
• Whitney is kind enough to invite my future wife, Olivia, to some crap-bag art show that her friend is having to which Olivia will need to check her busy schedule and let her know if she can make it. Please. There is no doubt in my mind that Olivia won’t be there. I mean, afterall there will be a camera crew there.
• Whoa. Wait. Stop the press. What do we have here? Whitney starts telling Olivia about the faux-drama that’s going down with her friends and Olivia basically goes bat-shit-crazy on her. She tells Whitney that it’s too much information for her and that she’s 23 yrs old and not in high school anymore, so she needs to stay out of the drama. Whitney looks as if she just witnessed someone shooting her puppy and skinning it alive. Perhaps that’s what Olivia made her coat/vest out of. Look, Olivia does have a point though. Unfortunately if Whitney “doesn’t get involved in the drama” there would be just one issue. There wouldn’t really be “a show for Olivia to be on.” Count your blessings, skank.
• Ugh. Catarina and Samantha (why do I know their names) are having lunch and talking about Adam not telling Catarina that he had a girlfriend. I’m not just saying this because I gave a “Who’s the Boss” reference at the beginning of this, but I totally think that Catarina looks like Billy from Who’s the Boss. Remember that kid that was in the second to last season that Tony and Angela had to take care of? Seriously, she does. And, I mean, she’s having lunch with Samantha. “Samantha.” As in “Micelli?” I think I may have cracked the code of The City. This damn show is loosely based off of Who’s the Boss! It’s all making sense to me now.
• Whitney Speech Impediment Alert: Whitney is getting ready for the art show and tells Erin “I’ve never really been to an art openinK before!” Ding! Ding! Ding! There’s the Whit we’ve all come to know and love! She’s back! By the way, it doesn’t look like clothes hanging in Whitney’s closet, it looks like furniture pattern samples.
• Well, it’s Art Gallery night and all the freaks have come out of the woodwork. Sure I’m judging based on looks alone, but I’m not sure how else to judge people. Whitney continues her tribute to Cheri Johnson and wears a silver headband/dog collar around her forehead. I wish Whitney would get locked in a refrigerator just like Cheri did.
• “Operation Allie Cat” is about to go down. Strap on your scripted buckles because it’s going to be a scripted bumpy scripted ride. Script. At one point Whitney and Allie are standing directly behind Catarina and Samantha. It’s not like Catarina doesn’t know that they’re standing right behind them. I mean Whitney looks like she’s dressed like a Super Hero….there’s no way you don’t notice that.
• Oh good, as Operation Allie Cat progresses Whitney is just standing there with her head completely down. Look up, Whitney! Come on, you always watch a train-wreck taking place. Always!
• Cat does confess to Allie that she and Adam did kiss and he never told her he had a girlfriend. Allie looks like she’s having an out-of-body experience, which makes sense because she does look a little alien like….so that explains a lot. Anycrap, Allie tells Cat to look her in the eyes and tell her “female to female” that this really happened. Hmmm, eye to eye? Hmmm female to female? Sounds like someone is about to play some lesbian reindeer games! Sweeeet!
• Allie allows one tear to trickle down her face. She’s nothing like Lauren Conrad, who lets the whole kitchen sink drain from her eyes along with about 6 pounds of makeup. I miss that sludge all over her face. Ahhhh.
• Somehow Catarina makes this all about her and says she doesn’t feel well and then is crying. Why the hell is she crying? Oh wait. Is it because she looks like a home-wrecking-whore on national television? Or the fact that from a side-profile shot she has a little bucky-beaver teeth sticking out….and she kinda looks like Billy from “Who’s the Boss?” These are all normal questions that you should be processing whilst you watch this show. It’s all normal to think these things. I am not crazy at all. At all. At. All.
• Allie locks herself in the bathroom and Whitney and her Super Hero outfit follow her in. Adam goes in behind her to tell Allie that Cat is lying. This is one of the first 15 times that we hear Allie reference “female to female.” Is this all drunk talk? I hope so.
• The fight continues onto the street and this time Allie changes out “female to female” to “man to man.” Hold up. I’m getting confused. Allie asks Adam how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he says he would feel the same way….to which Allie starts yelling and crying “You’d feel the same way? You’d feel the same way? What do you mean you’d feel the same way?” Seriously, is someone smelling burnt toast because I think Allie is having a stroke. She then continues by saying, “So you mean you could ‘imagine‘ feeling the same way…is that what you’re saying?” What the Christ is she talking about? This argument is turning into a grammar lesson. And I’m lost. No surprise there.
• I think Allie is a broken hearted girl. I say that because I believe Beyonce is singing that as Allie is getting into the cab. Personally, I would have chosen them to play “Smack My Bitch Up” but that’s just me. Maybe you’d have a different song selection preference.
• Meanwhile, Olivia and Nevan are chatting like school girls about the night and the people that were at the art gallery. Listening to these two talk to each other is like watching the mother and daughter from the Gilmore Girls have dialogue. It’s so quick back and forth…and pointless.
• Whitney is starting to play the creepy girlfriend. She and Ozzy Bobby are talking about whether they think Adam lied about hooking up with Catarina. Ozzy Bobby believes Adam and Whitney thinks that you are a reflection of your friends. I’m not sure if she really believes that or is just basically spewing out quotes from fortune cookies. I’m surprised she didn’t end her conversation with Ozzy Bobby by saying, “Your lucky numbers are 2, 14, 24, 6,23.”
• Finally, in conclusion, Allie and Adam smooth things over in an awkward way. More importantly we get to see Adam sporting a very shiny coat. Very shiny. Kinda like those plastic Halloween kids costumes that they sell on plastic hangers at Walgreens or CVS. I bet it came with a matching mask. I bet all of it stinks like Shrinky Dinks burning in the oven. Anyway, who cares. Fire both of them from this show. More Olivia! More Olivia! Just give Olivia her own show where she just roles her eyes the whole time. Seriously, I’d watch that. I’ d watch 22 minutes of eye rolling. I basically do now.

Next week it’s the return of Kelly CUNTrone! I can’t wait! Me gusta Kelly big time!

So what did you guys think of this episode. Not horrible, right? I’m still obsessed with the cowbell in the opening credits. Also, The City just got picked up for a second season so I’m not going anywhere. You hear that!