The Hills Recap: Who Wrote Heidi’s Letter Because It Wasn’t Heidi

• Who is Audrina talking to about her date with Colin? Chiara (who will now be known as Alanis for the remainder of time) is sitting across from her (with her bowl-cut-mullet) but Audrina is kinda looking out of the side of her eyes. Alanis is about one more episode away from a cut-off flannel shirt and Birkenstocks.
• Heidi and HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag are having a little lunch (sans food) and talking about how Lauren misses Heidi (did I miss that episode?). Heidi is kind enough to give us all a quick recap of why they’re not friends, but I’m more interested in the girls sitting behind them talking on their cell phones and looking over at the table. You know those girls are texting their friends and are squealing like pigs in heat over the fact that they are filming a scene for The Hills directly behind them. I, too, would be squealing and I’m ok admitting that.
• Audrina’s date is not Justin Bobby and is not Justin Bobby-like. These two geniuses are having some sort of conversation about music and how Audrina likes music and her job isn’t work and how she got her license and went to shows every night. Wow. After having to sit through this, this dude better be getting a little “dead-eye surprise” if ya know what I mean.
• Whoa whoa whoa. Now they’re talking about being happy drunks and how “drinking” makes them happier and gives them bigger smiles and love everyone. You hear that “youth of America?” All you need to do in order to be happy and smile more is drink alcohol! If it’s good enough for Audrina and her date, Collin, then it’s good enough for you. So, bring your bottle of vodka into homeroom and when you get caught for being hammered by 2nd period, just tell the principal that Audrina has instructed you to drink. If that doesn’t work just blame gas prices and Sarah Palin’s eyeglasses.
• Back to “the date.” Collin is about 2 sips into his Shirley Temple and has already asked Audrina out for a second date for dinner or something. This brings speed dating to a whole new level. All dates on The Hills are like this. The couple sits down and before the menu even get to the table there is already a second date being arranged. What happened to the good old days of stringing the girl along for 3 or 4 days and not calling her until the following week? I guess I’m just more traditional.
• Meanwhile at S bar, the DJ is on Ecstasy and LOser is drinking orange juice. HOlly shows up with her bucky-beaver teeth and LOser continues to tell HOlly how much she reminds her of Heidi. No joke she says it like 3 times. We get it LOser, they’re sisters.
• Hooray! LC is at Pubic Revolution and she gives Whitney the letter that Heidi privately wrote her. This is AWESOME for two reasons. (1) It’s a private letter that Heidi wrote that will now be read to a national audience and (2) We get to hear Whitney actually read! Since I am a complete loser I will provide a transcript of the letter and the actual way that Whitney read it. Go get your nap mats, kids, it’s story time:

Lauren,
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everythinK. I’m so sorry for every negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everythinK you have ever done for me. I really wish that thinKs wouldn’t have turned out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thinK has also been really hard for me.

Sincerely,
Heidi MontaK

• Ok, so this would have the perfect time for LC to say to Whitney, “You said everythinK, did you mean everything? Do you want me to take you to a speech therapist?” Seriously this letter was probably written by the PA intern on the set moments before the scene was shot. And what friend signs both their first and last name? Perhaps LC would have thought the letter came from Heidi Klum?
• Audrina goes on date # 2 and talks up J Bob and that seems to scare off Collin. Again, it’s more interesting to watch the girls in the background text message their friends that they’re sitting behind Audrina and are probably going to be on The Hills. If I was in the background I’d be doing Audrina impressions the whole time. By the way, that consists of me drooping my eyes, stuffing dinner rolls down my shirt, and waxing my teeth with butter.
• HOlly heads over to LC’s house of horror to try to reunite LC and Heidi. This is a boring conversation, but ends with LC fauxmitting that the only thing standing between her and Heidi is Steve Sanders. Please. You know that HOlly really asked her if she wanted to order pizza and when LC said, “yeah” they edited it to make it seem like it was part of the Heidi conversation. Ho-hum.
• Lauren and Audrina are sitting by the pool minutes before the sun is going to set and Lauren gets all philosophical. She asks the question, “Where do you think we’d all be if Heidi never met Spencer.” That actually is a good question and a scary one to think about. Basically what would have happened is that The Hills would have ended after 2 seasons, we would never know what an “Audrina” was, LOser would have been continuing to gain her Freshman 15 back in Laguna, Jason Wahler would have probably overdosed, Whitney would still be a 25 year old intern, Heidi’s horse would have never got any airtime, there would be no such thing as a “Justin Bobby,” Brody Jenner would be banging one of his sisters, Stephanie Pratt would still be on meth and shoplifting at Walgreens, Frankie would be carving wooden ducks on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas, Lisa Loveless would not be telling stories of running away from home at 15 to be a model in Paris, Elodie would not be my myspace friend, Natasha Bedingfield would only have one hit song, Us Weekly would have gone out of business, Perez would be half as popular, IBBB would have nothing to write about on a Monday night/Tuesday morning, etc etc. You still with me? So, at the end of the day, I guess I really should thank Spencer/Steve Sanders. He’s changed the world in so many ways.
• Finally, HOlly and Heidi are chatting on the couch. Why is part of HOlly’s hair purple? Heidi continues to beat the dead Crested Butte horse about being one step closer to being Lauren’s friend. Steve Sanders walks in like he just finished dissecting a dead squirrel he found on the side of the road and HOlly spills the scripted beans about the scripted letter that Heidi wrote to LC. Heidi’s recap of the letter is a bit different then the actual letter. Whoever wrote the letter should have given Heidi a heads up on what it said.
• HOlly gets a little fiesty and tells Steve Sanders that there’s a chance that Heidi and LC can be friends and since it doesn’t involve Steve Sanders it’s a great option. Wow! I sorta hate when I fall for these tricks, but I was glad that HOlly said that. I mean, she’s going to catch the beating of her life from Steve Sanders when the cameras stop rolling, but I’m sure it was worth it.

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