I would please like to put in a request to Santa, Jesus, the Dalai Lama or whoever typically takes these requests and ask that Jessica Simpson freeze herself like she looks in these pictures immediately. This is the Jessica Simpson I like best and with her d-bag sister all knocked up and stuff Jessica is definitely winning the “Who is the Hotter Simpson Sister” contest that I run in my head every Monday/Wednesday/Friday.

Jessica, her rack-attack, and her boyfriend (??) Tony Romo started her birthday celebration by a little hee-haw dinner at the Sagebrush Cantina in Calabasas. After a dinner that would have probably given me the shits, Jessica and Tony continued the celebration at Key Club in which Tony took to the stage again and sang a little Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses. What a nice birthday. No really. Ok fine, I’m lying. It sounds like a honky-tonk-cowboy-hat-wearin’-straw-chewing-28th-birthday for Jessica. My sources can not be confirmed, but rumor has it that after her birthday celebration Jessica headed home and did sexual intercourse stuff with her dad.