This picture speaks volumes. Luckily, my volume is on mute. Anyway, in case you’ve been living in a cave, Dina Lohan and Ali Lohan are technically conducting a major media shitstorm to promote the absolute piss out of their new reality show, which I believe is called “New Ways Stage Mothers Can Shorten a Child’s Life.” I love it. I actually can’t wait to see their new show.

I love Dinasaur and Ali Lohan for many reasons. First off, Dinasaur Lohan is 100% what I pictured Joe Polniaczek from “The Facts of Life” to be like once she grew up and had a family. Oh, and Ali seems to be the only Lohan who has this thick Long Island/Brooklyn accent. I hear Ali speak on all sorts of interviews and suddenly she’s Tony Danza from “Who’s the Boss.” She’s like “Ay-Oh, Oh Ay, be quiet Ma, will ya?” Brilliant.

It’s so painfully awkward to watch Ali interact with her mom during interviews together because everyone only wants to talk about Lindsay being a whore-like train wreck or how F’d up Dina is for doing this and before Ali can give her opinion she always has to look over to her mom in an absolute panicky terror. You know one wrong answer and Dina is busting out the wire hangers to beat this little bitch down.

As a sidenote, did you know that Ali is only 14 years old? 14. There’s a chance she doesn’t even have her period yet and Dina is already pimping her the hell out. Dina must be pumping Ali full of steroids and cups of Sanka. I give Ali until 15 before she’s pregnant, 15 and 3 months until her first abortion, 16 before her first stint in rehab, 17 before she serves under 90 days in jail, 18 before she serves more than 90 days in jail, and 19 before she’s arrested for a public fight with her mother in the bathroom of The Ivy. Nice work Dinasaur!