The Hills is FINALLY back after what seems like 2-decades and 3 Road Rules/Real World Challenges. This time around we pick up where we left off the last time…with Lauren and Whitney heading to Paris for the Korean/Crayon Ball. Heidi ditched the sunny LA lifestyle for Crested Butte and her horse. And Audrina just continued to exist. Will Whitney fall off the Eiffel Tower? Will the lines under Lauren’s eyes spread to the rest of her face? Will Audrina just say “the hell with it” and show her boobs throughout the season since we’ve already seen them anyway? Will Lo and Jen Bunney have a “nose-off?” All this and much much less will be answered in this sadly long Hills recap since the first show is an hour. Here’s what went down on this episode, Paris Changes Everything, of The Hills:- Audrina, Whitney, and Lauren come out to premiere the new episode live. I, of course, immediately yell out to my TV, “I’ve seen your boobs, Audrina!!”
- Lauren and Whitney land in stinky Paris! Hooray! Whitney, of course, is wearing a beret and what I assume is the same socks that the Wicked Witch of the West wore when the house fell on her. Good luck Whitney, watch out for falling houses.
- Uh, usually the people that pick you up from the airport don’t talk to you so much. Perhaps this dude is the producer?
- Sweet! Heidi and her mom are skiing in my favorite place, Crested Butte. I just like to say Crested Butte. Uh, I think Heidi may have fell whilst skiing as her lips look swollen.
- Oh great, here we go. They’re going to play a million French songs, aren’t they?
- Whitney First Quote of the Episode: Lauren and Whitney are picking up their dresses and Lauren says, “I love that there’s feathers” to which Whitney does what she does best (recap what Lauren typically says) and says, “You love feathers.” Thanks Whitney, I think I pieced that puzzle together myself. But, thanks for recapping!
- The First Scripted Moment of the New Season: Uh-oh! The store that Lauren and Whitney need to get to in order to pick up shoes for the ball is CLOSED. I didn’t see that coming. They do all the things they are supposed to at a time like this such as continue to try to pull the door open even though it’s locked, peek into the store, scratch their heads, look around, and stand their with their mouths wide open (Whitney, of course). Brilliant acting girls…much better from last year.
- Yeah, now we’re getting good! Lauren thinks they should have gone naked to the Korean/Crayon Ball! I agree! Ever since seeing Audrina with boobs to the wind last week I am on a mission to see the rest of the cast naked…including Lisa Loveless. That’s right, I said it!
- The Second Scripted Moment of the New Season: Stephanie Pratt, or Sandy Sanders, goes to Steve Sanders apartment and he is all down in the dumps and even his apartment is a mess. Sad. Hopefully the face full of thick makeup that Sandy Sanders has on and her Indian braids will help cheer up Steve Sanders.
- This just in….I am never buying a Dove product again. What the hell was that? The first commercial break had me confused. I thought I accidentally changed the channel. Why is Alicia Keys acting? How long is this? Is this a TV show? A Dove commercial? Yeah, add that to the list of things that just pissed me off.
- Meanwhile, back at “The Butte” Steve Sanders shows up and Heidi’s dads acting skills are really tested. Now I’m not sure how things work at “The Butte” but it looks like there’s about 7 feet of snow on the ground and Heidi’s dad has about 3,000 acres to take care of. Why, for the love of God, is he only using a shovel?!?! He’s probably trying to up his chances of a heart-attack so he can peace out of Heidi’s pathetic life.
- Yowza this conversation is awkward. I’d rather see Tim talk to the horse then Spencer.
- Nasty, more French music. We get it. They’re in Paris.
- Even worse. Kimball. I feel like he’s really an intern with a little bit of power.
- STOP THE PRESS. Are those debutant’s transvestites? I’m pretty sure they are? They look like men in dresses. One, looks like the the illegitimate daughter of Lisa Loveless and Sylvester Stallone. Pretty.
- Remember on “Three’s Company” when Suzanne Somers was battling the producers for more money and would stop coming to the set because she was demanding more money and then that caused a ton of tension between the cast so they reduced her lines and would have her film on a different set and her character would have to “call in” to Jack and Janet saying that her aunt was sick so she’d be “out of town” for a little while? Yeah, well The Hills just pulled that with Audrina. Audrina “calls” Lauren to tell her some info about Brody and some chick. What a douche-bag. Not Brody, Audrina. Who calls their friend while they’re away just to ruin their trip? I mean, I would, but that’s because I have Satin-like qualities.
- Third Scripted Moment of the New Season: Heidi and her mom are back home and, uh-oh, Steve Sanders is waiting in her living room. Luckily Heidi is camera ready with her hair slicked down to her head and a face full of makeup on. Darlene asks Tim (yeah I know their names) to help her with something out in the kitchen. How very “Cosby Show” of them. Heidi gives her dad a look that says, “I love this seasons script!”
- Whitney and Lauren meet up with “a band” in Paris for the night. Seriously, I can’t even take it anymore. This is GREAT! These dudes are smoking in the club and I’m pretty sure one dude has a perm. He actually looks like those old women who go to the salon to get their hair set in rollers once a week and then hairspray the piss out of it. Wait, it gets better. One dude, who apparently is the drummer, not only has Jim Carey’s hair from Ace Ventura Pet Detective, but is also rocking a kick ass uni-brow! I hope all the cigarettes don’t accidentally singe that uni-brow off!
- Why do I feel like these guys look familiar? Why do I feel like these guys are just Brody, Frankie, and Justin Bobby all dressed up in costumes?
- Ugh. These French accents are killing me. Lau-ren have you ev-er bin to ze Eiffel Tower? Kill yourself. Actually, kill me. I’ll blog next week via a Ouija Board.
- Uh-oh Lucy and Ethel are at it again! Lauren decides to take her mad expensive designer dress and sow it up to her knees so he can go out and booze. Brilliant idea. Take that designer dress, hike it up, and go to a place where there are drunk people…and smoking. You’re going to smell great the next day for the Korean/Crayon Ball!
- How much f’n snow is there at Crested Butte? It’s covering the windows. Seriously, where is Heidi’s parents horse? I hope they have a barn for it or it’s going to freeze and, well, damn it I love that horse. I love The Butte. I love The Butte and that horse. I’m going to The Butte. That’s final.
- Heidi looks like a newscaster at dinner. No joke, she looks like a completely different person. She used to look more like her mom and now she looks more like a mix of Tori Spelling and Melissa Rivers. Quite a nice mix.
- Sweet, the French dudes are back. This time they also bump into some guy that I’m calling “The French Justin Bobby.” TFJB is an escort for the Korean/Crayon Ball.
- Honestly, Lauren seems like such a bitch. These guys are trying to talk to her and she seems like such a douche. She has nothing to say. Hopefully she’ll get trashed and get interesting.
- What the F is TFJB doing? Is he on drugs? What was that dance move he just did and more importantly when will MTV stop using lighting that highlights the lines under Lauren’s eyes?!
- French people smoke a lot and run their hands through their hairsprayed hair a lot. Honestly, they do look like they stink. Maybe it’s not just a stereotype. Maybe it’s actually based on fact…as most stereotypes are.
- Hilarious. I’m pretty sure that Lauren had her period on her dress. She thinks it’s coffee, but I’m think it’s that time of the month. Hahah oh wait, she burnt it with her curling iron. She’s wicked smaaaaht. Apparently she left her curling iron on ALL night and her dress burnt. Didn’t they smell fabric roasting?
- Hhahaha I am seriously cracking up. Whitney, of course, says, “Oh my God, the curling iron does something like that!?” She says it like it’s a person who should know better. Wow, a flaming hot stick could burn something? Go figure.
- Lauren starts to cry, as she finally realizes what douche she is…oh and because her dress is roasting on an open fire. So they call to get another dress because Lauren is a spoiled careless bitch. I mean, she’s still hot, but a spoiled careless bitch. Of course they give her a new dress.
- Heidi wants Steve Sanders to move out of the apartment when she gets back. Is it even her apartment? I thought it was his and she moved into it. Uh, “Can you please move out of your apartment and let me live in it?” Good deal.
- More French music.
- Is Kimball wearing a swim cap or did he really slick his hair that much to his head? He should have a “slick-off” with Heidi!
- TFJB brings out the manly debutant. No joke, I’m never going to Paris. It’s official.
- The Korean/Crayon Ball is boring. Next.
- Lauren continues to make good decisions and goes with that random French dude with a beard on a scenic tour of Paris on a Vespa…in her dress…in the rain. She is such a selfish whore. She already ruined one dress. Good idea wearing this dress on a motorcycle in the rain. It must be nice to not care about anyone but yourself. That’s not a judgement. I actually think it must be nice.
So what will happen next? Lo is back. Stephen Colleti is back. Justin Bobby is back. Sandy Sanders is back. Audrina’s boobs are back. Why no Kristin Cavallari? Booo to that. Stay tuned for the next 9 weeks of episodes and I’ll be back to recap the absolute piss out of them!
