06
Am I Wrong? Back Again!
-
Why can’t they make the zipper less dangerous, especially pants zippers? I mean, they’re so afraid that the tag on the back of your underwear is so irritating to the skin that they removed the tags all together, yet I’m supposed to risk my life every day by trying to get “Mr Winky Claus” through a metal zipper that basically has teeth trying to chomp off my naughty bits. Tagless underwear, yes. Metal zipper penis eater alternatives, no. I blame YKK for this. Am I wrong?
-
Who’s using a pay phone? No really, who are you and what is it exactly that you’re doing because I’m pretty sure you’re making inappropriate and sexual prank calls or conducting some type of drug deal. Everyone has a cell phone. Everyone. Even my parents have cell phones. So if I see you on a pay phone I’m pretty sure you’re up to no good and I’m about 2 seconds away from making a citizens arrest. Am I wrong?
-
Why are people still hooked on the concept that we’ll one day be able to power our cars with ridiculous things like vegetable oil or grease from a deep fryer? I don’t think it will ever happen. Yeah, well they used to think that we’d be able to shower like The Jetson’s on a conveyor belt with robot arms shampooing our arms and washing our back. Just pay the extra $0.05 increase in the price of gas and get on with your day. Am I wrong?
-
Is Winter ever going to end? I love that question. I want to answer “no” to that when someone asks me. Is winter ever going to end? No. Nope, it’s not. Didn’t you hear? Oh you didn’t? Yeah well a new law just passed and looks like it’s going to be winter forever from now on. Yeah, it’s kind of like daylight saving time. Oh and it has something to do with the groundhog seeing its shadow. Yeah, I actually think it was the groundhog that passed the law. Tough break for us, huh? YES winter will end around the same time it’s ended every year since the beginning of time. Stop talking to me. Am I wrong?
-
Don’t celebrities already have enough attention? Why does it seem like every celebrity now has a blog or is creating their own “funny” Youtube clips? You guys get to be on TV and in movies and in magazines and on the radio and you get paid a crapload of money for it and you even win awards for it. This crappy little blog is all I have. Can’t I just have that? Don’t you have enough already? Stop this immediately. Am I wrong?
-
How the hell many hours is The Today Show on? Is it its own channel now? I’m pretty sure it is. When I was out for like 15 weeks with the flu I got to watch a lot of morning television and I was amazed that The Today Show never ended. Literally. It just kept going. After what seemed like the 6th consecutive hour of watching it I was pretty certain I knew everything I thought I could ever know about Meredith Viera and I was pretty sure I pieced together the puzzle and pattern of how Matt Lauer lost his hair. I think 1 or 2 hours is more than enough, no? Am I wrong?
-
It’s been a horrible flu season. I have an idea. If you’re sick…wait for it….wait for it….don’t come into work. Crazy concept, I know. I see people dry-heaving, coughing up a lung, blowing snot everywhere, yet they tell me that they have a lot of work to do and not to worry because they’re going to the doctor tomorrow. Oh really tomorrow? That’s great, but I think I just got the flu from you about 15 minutes ago so can I bum a ride with you when you go see your doctor. No one needs a “workplace hero.” Just stay home, Snotty McPukeBag. Am I wrong?
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
-
Paul Said,
Uuuuuhhhh…diesel cars already can be retrofitted to run on cooking grease. The downside is that the fuel freezes easily and still pollutes (but not as much).
Cute legs, btw.
-
Verbal_Blowtorch Said,
I ask many of these same questions on a damned-near minute-by-minute basis, due to the fact that I’m a 40-year-old college-educated woman having a midlife crisis that involves temp-ing amongst women who blurt things like, end-of-day today, one said to another one: “Alright! Let’s get to Wal-Mart and pick up some wart remover!” This is the same hugely overweight 22-year-old girl who, when someone said she should get a dog from the pound, not a breeder, replied: “No, my husband wants a NEW puppy, not one from the pound.” Or how about my supervisor responding to my saying “Man, Victoria’s Secret sends me an e-mail EVERY day!” — they’re ads; they send tons of ad e-mails — my supervisor responds with: “…about modeling?”?
Ok, let’s be totally crystal on this point: I’m NOT choosing clerical temp work DESPITE daily pleas from Victoria’s Secret to model for them. This is not my situation AT ALL.
Like, “Yeah, sure Victoria’s Secret wants me to model for them but hell, what then, y’know? End up making loads of cash, getting free clothes and makeup, luxury travel and what, I dunno — f*cking Matt Damon? No way, I’m ALL ABOUT these real estate auction closing documents and the eleven dollars an hour I get to shuffle them around through the title company, etc. — SCR*W Victoria’s Secret man, they can just put that catalog together without me.”
Or what about the broad the other day who said to me “Aren’t you cold?!” I was wearing a black knit sweater dress with a turtleneck and long sleeves and tights. I gestured to the high neck of this dress and said: “No, this is a very warm dress.” She goes: “Oh, I bet it is!” THEN WHAT WAS THE INTIAL COMMENT ABOUT???
Oh, and if anything’s going to push me to gun play, it’s yet another rousing round of “Is It Five O’Clock Yet?” wherein someone starts up with the rallying cry “is it five o’clock yet?” only to be answered by another “I have 4:29″ and still another “I have 4:29 and a HALF!” At which point everyone agrees everyone prefers the woman in whose cube it’s 30 seconds closer to quittin’ time.
AM I WRONG?
-
Verbal_Blowtorch Said,
ALSO: It’s “manila folders” — not “vanilla folders.” My “boss” actually says “vanilla folders” without batting an eye… because she’s not joking… because she really thinks that’s what they’re called. Cuz y’know, they’re beige in color and all. I mean I guess that’s why she thinks everyone else in the world is saying “vanilla” instead of “manila.”
-
Verbal_Blowtorch Said,
Same woman who told me, within two hours of the start of my first day and therefore, within two hours of my having met her for the first time, that her son had inadvertently summoned demons into their home with his Pokemon cards. My husband later said: How did you not laugh right in her face?
-
Alpine Summer Said,
I’ve had my eye on YKK since 1998. That’s when people started crying about the year 2000 rolling around and that’s when the world was going to end because our computers won’t knowwhattodoohmygod.
Then, one day I look down at the zipper on my jacket and see one Y and 2 K’s and realize, the effing zipper company is behind the Y2K conspiracies. It all makes perfect sense why you’re scared of them.
