Product # 1 – Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? That’s right…when you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Don’t ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his face…just like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake. Oh, he also knows when you’ve had one too many beers, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk that’s been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute you’ve left him in the bathroom. He’ll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!
Product # 3 – Time to class up your house for the holidays. Let’s face it, times are tough and wood is expensive. Well, now you cover your metal backyard table with this faux-wood finish and your friends will never be wiser. As soon as your company arrives they’ll be saying, “Jill, is that a real wooden table I see there.” You will of course lie and say “Sure is, Katie!” while you wink at your husband who is dripping with sweat and praying that no one cracks that code that this table is in fact not real wood. Imagine the embarrassment. I mean, God forbid. These two skanks playing cards are acting like they’re the Queen of England, yet no one seems to be phased that there isn’t a picture of anything hanging on the wall and they’re sitting on metal folding chairs. Hmmm, no faux-wood finish for the chairs Harriet? Anyway, you know that the owner totally sprays that table with Lemon Pledge right before company arrives so she can fool them once and for all and never have to suffer the horrific embarrassment of not being able to afford real wood. Maybe if Jill’s husband wasn’t such an unsuccessful dirt bag he could afford to provide Jill with the finer things in life, such as wood, and Jill wouldn’t be forced to bang the UPS guy. Just sayin….think about it, Jill’s husband.
Product # 4 – The holidays mean one thing: Lots of photographs. Clearly Harriet is heavily marketing to the British audience as the last time I’ve actually seen an adult with teeth that bad was when watching Rocky Dennis in “Mask.” Oh, that and 98.784% of the British population. British or not, if you’re like this dude and have never broken the addicting habit of chewing on rocks on a daily basis you no longer have to smile and wonder if people notice that you still have all of your baby teeth. Now you can snap in your Harriet Carter snaptastic teeth and smile, smile, smile away. Please though, don’t talk, chew, eat, sing, whistle, laugh, yell, burp, cough, sneeze, stick out your tongue, drink, gargle, blink, wink, run, walk fast, jump, and/or breath in heavily whilst wearing these snaptastic teeth because they are sure to come off. Basically here’s what you do: Some says, “Oh let’s take a picture in front of the Christmas tree!” You, of course, volunteer to take the picture as you don’t want to be in it with your hideous and child scaring smile. Sadly, your guests won’t take no for an answer so you run up to your bedroom and shatter the glass that these teeth are kept in and then quickly snap them in. Now, take that photo and please immediately return the teeth to their proper place. For future use, I recommend giving them one coat of “White Out” before storing them away for the next holiday party. Thanks Harriet! Saying “cheese” has never been so awkward!
