Newport Harbor/Douche Bag Creek is Back! Holiday Episodes! Ho-Ho-Hum?

Like a recovering meth addict, I can’t quit cold turkey. The Hills may not even be cold in the scripted grave, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t catch up with the crew of Douche Bag Creek. Apparently it’s the holidays and the sick son-of-a-bitches are back home visiting the creek. For me this is the ghetto version on The Hills, if that’s even possible. I’ve asked Santa to have Cami from Laguna Beach make a guest appearance. Let’s see if Santa is real. Here’s how this episode, “Are We or Aren’t We…..Douche Bags” went down:

• Why is Chrissy talking to her new college friends/sorority sisters like they know nothing about her life. She’s telling them for the first time who her friend Sasha is? Is she recapping them?
• Who’s this Billy kid? This should be good.
• Wait a minute. Isn’t Chrissy and her family obsessed with each other? Why are they asking her to tell them about college once she’s home. Has she not talked to them since she left? Doubtful. P. S Chrissy’s dad kinda looks like a diddler.
• Clay is cooking dinner for Chrissy. I’m embarrassed for him.
• Wait, why is Clay asking Chrissy how college is!? Has she talked to no one since she left? This is pissing me off.
• Uh-oh. The awkward “where do we stand conversation.” That must be worse with a camera crew around you. I don’t believe for a second that Clay isn’t banging his way through Newport Habor…er…Douche a Creek….while Chrissy is away at college taking Intro to Keg Stands 101.
• Do these guys use the same lighting as The Hills?
• Oh Christ. Allie and Sam are back in full effect. Where did Allie’s bangs go? Maybe she left them in Europe. These two are the worst. You know these two are the type that leave for college and pretend they are all over high-school, but in actuality they haven’t changes a bit. I predict porn careers for the both of them.
• No joke, I said it last season and I’ll say it again. Grant is totally Steve Sanders Jr. I’m just waiting for Heidi to pop out of the house (chin and boobs first).
• Chrissy’s sorority friends arrive at her house. I’d watch your crap Chrissy because these two skanks are going to rob you blind. I know I would. Anything that isn’t nailed now would be going down my pants and I’d be running out the front door.
• Chrissy takes them on a tour of where Clay lives, where Clay works, and where Clay’s mom owns a store. All riveting.
• The sorority skanks keep talking about a surprise for Chrissy’s party. I DOUBT the surprise is that kid Billy. No way. Oh wait, I checked the script. It is.
• Sidenote, I love Chrissy’s house. No I mean I’m in love with it. I want to have “the sex” with it.
• So let me get something straight. Chase goes out with Chrissy’s sorority friend that she set him up with, but her friends haven’t met her best friend Sasha yet? Ohhhh I’d be pissed.
• STOP THE PRESS. STOP I SAID STOP! So Billy shows up. I’m not kidding. Wait, I couldn’t care less about that, but Billy seriously looks like a mini Brody Jenner. Look, I don’t want to nickname everyone, but this kid for sure is now called Brody Jr Jenner.
• Am I 150 yrs old? Brody Jr Jenner is wearing his hood in the house.
• Actually, it must be a magic hood because it’s on in one scene then off in the next and then on again…and then off….then on….then off.
• Brody Jr Jenner is good with reading the script and they make out and Steve Sanders Jr sees is and like a little school girl called Clay on his cell phone. Oh the scripted drama.
• Gross. Why would Chrissy’s dad ask her if she kissed Brody Jr Jenner yet? What dad asks that. He’s like, “Chrissy, sweetie, did he feel up your boobies and are you on your period?” Pervert. Go diddle the dog.

Was this crapisode like 10 minutes long with 20 minutes of commercials? Either way…see you next week.