Lauren finally goes on a “real date” and by “real date” I really mean “a random dude planted by producers.” Will Audrina’s teeth burst into flames? Will Steve Sanders continue to sit on the couch? Will Brody still be in his “brody cast?” Will Heidi continue to say buzzwords like, “it’s just business” and “it’s part of my new job.” Will The Hills only show white people in this episode? Let’s see how it went down.
- Alert! Alert! Lauren and Brody are out drinking. Where’s Brody’s claw? And he has a haircut. No claw and his old haircut? Was this filmed in season 2?
- Stop the press. Kimberly? The new “Event Coordinator? The new Elodie? Oh I don’t think so. No one can EVER replace Elodie. Ever. You hear me! In fact they should be raising Elodie’s shirt up to the rafters of Bolthouse.
- Sidenote, how do I get a job at Bolthouse? Kim talks about being a New Yorker so she likes things fast paced. Do you also like douche, Kimmy? Because you’re working with douche. Enjoy.
- Lauren and Whitney have a busy day at work, which consists of taking pictures. Luckily there is Red Bull all over the place to keep them awake as they snap picture after picture.
- And enter Gavin. Lauren is all smitten by Gavin and then they realize that they both worked on some random photoshoot back in the day. Wow what a stupid small douchey world.
- Look, I don’t want to get in the habit of nicknaming everyone, but as I stated last week during the “next weeks scenes” Gavin is what I picture Bob the Builder to look like when he grows up. Please note, moving forward Gavin will only be referenced as “Bob the Builder.” If Bob the Builder makes it into multiples episodes he may be referenced, at times, as “BTB.”
- I love Whitney. How she’s climbed up the corporate ladder and become Intern Mgr (of one intern…Lauren) is beyond me. That’s all. Me gusta Whitney.
- As Bob the Builder is asking Lauren for her phone number so that they can go out on, potentially what I see as the most boring date ever, I notice something. I rewind my Tivo just to be sure. What is this I see? Ah yes, it’s a non-white person in the background. Is this the first black person featured on The Hills? Even though this girl who is not white is sitting up against the wall. I saw her. I applaud The Hills for really breaking down barriers and allowing other races to get air-time. Even if it was unintentional and for literally 2 seconds.
- There she is again! She’s sitting behind Whitney while Whitney eats her hair. Uh, what the girl can’t get a chair because she’s black? AND they make her sit behind Whitney. Wait a minute…Whitney….”W-h-i-t-e-n-e-y?” WhitEney? Oh my God, Whitney is a racist. Subliminal messages! Subliminal messages! I won’t be fooled!
- Watching Heidi put on makeup is like watching the sunset for me. The faces she makes in the mirror are brilliant. It really makes her chin pop!
- Why is Heidi yelling while she talks with Steve Sanders from the bathroom? Their apartment is not that big. Maybe they should just get intercoms.
- Steve Sanders is all pissed that Heidi has to “work” a NASCAR event and will miss another anniversary dinner. Heidi tells Steve Sanders that he should “try working.” I would have suggested that he try blinking first. Blink first, work second.
- Alright! It’s another Brody BBQ.
- Wait a minute. Wait a god-damn minute. How is Brody’s hair long again? And how is his claw back? In the first scene of the episode he has short hair and had no claw. Now? Longer hair. Claw. I’ve received emails from people telling me I’m losing my attention to The Hills detail. How’s that for detail? I spotted “the girl of another race” in the background similar to a game of “Where’s Waldo” and I noticed a different Brody. I’m back baby and more pathetic than ever!
- Bob the Builder goes to Brody’s BBQ because….that’s stupid.
- Bob the Builder talks about camping for what seems like hours. Lauren says she hates camping, so nice job dude on giving her the play by the play on camping.
- Where’s Justin Bobby?
- Bob the Builder and Brody (and the claw) are grilling. Brody plays “big brother” to Bob the Builder by asking him a million questions. Uh, is Body on a date with BTB?
- Heidi and Kim are working the event and it’s very official as Heidi has a clipboard.
- Of course Steve Sanders calls Heidi while she’s at work and she tells him she has to work late. Steve Sanders gets all pissy and hangs up. Heidi starts telling Kim that Steve Sanders just called and is mad. First off, stop airing your dirty laundry. Second, I don’t think Kim could care less. Elodie would NEVER just blow off Heidi’s bitching. I miss Elodie. I miss “See Ya!.” I’m sad. Sad and pathetic.
- And cue my favorite scene of the night. Steve Sanders goes to Heidi’s work (with the camera crew) and the receptionist asks him for his name. She actually says, “And you are?” Brilliant. Who is this receptionist. Get her her own show. Although the fact that she didn’t know who he is is BS.
- Steve wants to take Heidi for lunch but she can’t go because of her…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…new job that she’s been working so hard on.
- Heidi walks away and again I think Steve Sanders is going to punch Heidi in her new boobs. This time I think he’ll hit her with an open fist.
- Lauren and Bob the Builder go on their date. I lapse into a coma because it couldn’t be any more boring.
- So, like the true whore-bag she is, Lauren calls Brody after her date and Brody suggests he come over to watch a movie. He asks Lauren what movie she’s going to watch and she says “does it matter?” Most people think of sexual innuendos. Not me. I think she says, “does it really matter” because she really means there’s really not a movie to watch because they’re doing this just for the cameras and it’s part of the script. Brody won’t be going over. Lauren will be going to bed because the cameras will be gone.
Next week Lauren and Whitney come to NYC. I’ll be looking for them! Steve Sanders calls Brody to “talk.” Should be interesting.
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