Product # 1 – Hey there you gross disgusting little piglet! Are you filthy? Is there sludge running through your veins and elsewhere in your body? Are you trying to get off the crystal meth that “all the kids” are wild about these days, but can’t afford a legit detox program? Well, if you can spare $39.98 you can go through detox in the comfort of your own home thanks to skanky Harriet Carter! I guess all you need to do is place one of these pads on your foot before you go to bed and then when you wake up it is filled with black toxins. Yummy. Let’s hope you are painfully single and sleep alone because no one who shares a bed with you should be forced to look at that in the morning! Hell, who am I kidding if you’re buying this detox system of course you live alone! I bet if Harriet places that pad over her heart before she goes to bed it will also turn black by the morning. Oh, only because Harriet is dead inside. That’s all.
Product # 2 – Are you too lazy to dust, but proactive enough to walk? Well now you can polish all the floors in your house with these trusty dusting slippers. This actually isn’t a joke, that actually is what they are. All you need to do is slip them on and walk your fat ass around your house and presto! Your house is clean! I think these slipper-dusters (or “slusters” as I like to call them) make the perfect gift for your wife or mother. Imagine the look on their face when they unwrap this gift and first think it’s a comfortable pair of well deserved slippers, but then realize it’s a more efficient way to clean the entire house. Don’t worry, they’ll be thanking you once they finally discover how fun it really is to clean. I mean I think it would be a little more efficient and effective if those same dusters were on the covering the wheels of a wheelchair, but that’s just me.