When it’s a slow news day I’m forced to report on bad reality shows. It’s times like these that I really hope that the Britney’s and Lindsay’s of the world fall off the wagon and go nuts. In the meantime, here’s what went down on American Idol: The Results Show, or as I now like to call it, “Sabadao Gigante Idol.”

• Sweet! Let’s really hit the most obvious stereotype and have the “Idol Kids’ sing “Bailamos.”
• Again, all the stars align for this episode. I always get so embarrassed when the Idol Kids sing together. It’s very “Brady Bunch: Silver Platters” for me.
• The audience screams and cheers like it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen and heard. I instantly feel sorry for each member of the audience.
• I’m just flipping between Idol and the Red Sox. At least I get to escape the Idol. The poor audience is stuck there with nowhere to go.
• Why is Ryan doing a “skit” at Farmer’s Market in LA? Is he Jay Leno?
• Why is Akon singing? I was banking on a brilliant “live” performance from Saint Jennifer Lopez. What a rip off. I have nothing funny to say about Akon. Boooo.
• Oh God, please stop with these horrific American Idol “car” commercials. It’s the worst thing ever. I hope these companies lose business because of it.
• Uh-oh they tried to pull the old Sanjaya trick again. He’s safe for another week.
• Here’s the moment I’ve been waiting for. J. Glow singing “live.”
• Oh crap it’s in Spanish. I’m assuming she’s just singing “Waiting for Tonight” in Espanol.
• She looks angry when she sings. Why is she yelling? And, why do I see Paula’s heading bobbing up and down. Oh crap, now Paula is dancing. Maybe Paula thinks it’s MC Skat Cat up there singing.
• Why does Saint Jennifer have a wind machine? She’s indoors. Are we supposed to think she’s outside. Oh God, now it just sounds like she’s whining. Shhhhh.
• Haley gets the kick in the pants. Oh well. See you in porn.
• Red Sox lost 3 – 0.