16 & Pregnant: When House Hunters and Hoarders Meet Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage

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Once in a blue moon the white trash gods enter our lives and grant us all the wishes our blackened hearts could ever desire.  This time around we get to squint our eyes and tilt our ear towards the television so we can try and understand the words that are coming out of Myranda’s mouth.  Anynose, meet Myranda.  She’s 17 years old and carrying a human being inside her body because she doesn’t seem to understand how babies are truly made.  Myranda is from the part of Texas where the average yearly household income is about $5,000 and 23 seashells.  Oh, and if you ever wondered what it would be like if Martha Plimpton from Goonies would have looked like as a teenage mother, well, wonder no longer because this is it.  Myranda got knocked to the up by her boyfriend, Eric, who claims he “didn’t wear no condom cuz he was thinkings with his penis.”  I probably spent the majority of this crapisode rewinding it and putting the volume on tilt just to figure out what the hell they were saying.  Every time they opened their mouths all I heard was coin jars rattling.  That, of course, would be their savings accounts but that goes without saying.  You knew what I was getting at.

Myranda wasn’t really given a fair shot at “the life” because her mom was basically on drugs her entire life.  Her mom, who may or may not actually be Hatchet Face, keeps asking Myranda if it’s her fault that she got pregnant at such a young age.  Uh, ya think?!  I’m sure she was using all of Myranda’s boyfriends condoms to store her coke.  A cola that is.  Allegedly.  I don’t know her.  One of my favorite parts was when Myranda was talking to Eric and said, “If she ever do drugs again she aint gonna babysit none.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  It was like she just opened up the dictionary, closed her eyes, and started pointing to words.  This chick, by the way, is skipping her senior year and just going to take the GED test.  Gotta love that “F it!” attitude.  How tough can that test be anyway?  By listening to vocabulary throughout this episode I’m sure she’ll not only get her GED but they’ll probably even make her “summa cum laude.”  Either that or they’ll just start rumors that “She does cum loudly.”  It’s a real toss up at this point.  But I digress.

The other unsung hero of this episode was clearly Eric’s grandmother, Nanny.  Nana Nanny is a character straight from Mad TV.  She’s letting them live with her for now, but once that baby is born they are out out out!  She doesn’t wanna hear none baby be crying in her house, y’all!  She may not have a pot to piss in (so I’m not sure where she goes tinkle-winkle) but she has enough money to perm her hair on the regular.  She even has a beautiful pool that the kids can swim in.  Ah yes, the pool.  All “the kids” are in this giant pool that is 100% green.  It’s like an actual swamp.  I’m pretty sure I spotted Loch Ness at least twice.  I’m also pretty sure I saw Nana Nanny washing clothes in there as well.  Everyone is swimming and jumping around in that pool like it was no big deal.  When Myranda gives birth to her 6 headed 3 fingered daughter, please let’s remember “the pool.”  I mean, this was like the same pool that those kids in Erin Brockovich where swimming in with Hinkley in the background.  Get out of the pool.  Get out of the pool, kids.  Right now I said!

As if this couldn’t get any better, Myranda and Eric aren’t allowed to live with Nana Nanny, especially after they told her that Eric didn’t wear a condom and Myranda didn’t always take her birth control pills.  However, they won’t be homeless because they can live in this actual shack that’s just about falling down at the end of Nana Nanny’s property.  This place was a dream come true for me.  Even the folks from Intervention would think this place wasn’t good enough to be a crack den.  I’m not even sure I can do the description justice.  Let’s just say that if House Hunters met Hoarders and then went to Amber and Gary’s summer cottage, this would be it.  As soon as the door opens I was waiting to see 15 rabid cats come running out and 75 cat skeletons stuck to the wood paneled walls.  But alas, we didn’t see them.  We did, however, see about 5 blood-stained mattresses stacked up directly next to the front door, which was directly next to some little kids plastic play house that seemed to have been cut in half.  There were smashed dishes on the floor, mouse sh*t all over the place, and the stove was kind of taken apart and missing all the burners.  I’ll just assume they’ll use the hollowed out stove as the baby’s crib.  Eric, at one point, actually says, “Well I guess maybe we’s gotta replace the stove.”  Yep, Eric.  We’s gotta.  The good news is that they only have to pay the electric bill on this shack.  Wait, you mean the “mortgage” was already paid off?  Shocking.  It must have taken up to 2 months to pay that off.  I’m not even kidding, this is exactly how I pictured Amber and Gary’s place during a drug-fueled rager, when the cameras weren’t there of course.  I was waiting to see Leah walk by, in a daze, with a knife and just shouting “Ammmmmbuh!” up at Myranda.  Speaking of Myranda, was her hair changing back and forth from blond to brown all throughout the episode.  She was like my sister’s My Little Pony of the 80’s.

Other “normal” things happen throughout the episode like that part where they go shopping for the baby and are shocked at how much everything costs.  I’m surprised, because I always heard that raising a baby was pretty cheap.  I also heard they never sh*t and so you only need like 1 or 2 diapers per week. Everyone might as well poke pinholes in their condoms because everyone can have a baby…today!  Aaaand go!  Later Myranda goes out with her friends to hang out…at the batting cages.  That makes sense.  I was so glad she was just sitting their watching until she strapped on a helmet and got ready for her turn.  I kept yelling, “What are you doing?  Wait.  What are you doing?!”  It was then I realized that I was witnessing a redneck abortion and suddenly everything started to make sense.  Meanwhile, Hatchet Face, ended up going on a bender, relapsing, getting into a fight with her husband, drove off (under the influence), was found, taken to the hospital, and is now in rehab.  What’s worse is that none of this was filmed.  Womp womp.  At least Butch and April had enough respect for us to let the cameras in.  Hatchet Face is just plain old rude, y’all!  Myranda is pissed off that her mom is missing her ultrasound appointment, but I’m more intrigued that her Texan hospital actually had ultrasound equipment.  I just assumed they’d use a magnifying glass, two tin cans, and some string.  The “doctor” would then say, “Uh, your baby is, uh fine.  It was asking for you and gave us a thumbs up so everything seems good to us.  Oh, and you have about 12 more months to go, we think, before the stork delivers your baby, y’all!”

Later Myranda has her baby shower and her mom attends since she just got out of “the ‘hab” that same day.  Hopefully a 2 day sobriety chip was her gift to the baby.  Suddenly her mom is all about making sure she’s in the delivery room when Myranda has the baby.  Uh yeah, no.  That’s probably not the best idea as I’m sure Hatchet Face will be using the newborn as an actual drug mule and making a run for the Mexican border.  Ole!  I thought the shower would have been a little more trashy, but maybe it was because it was at the aunts house?  I think I may have spotted a puffy leather, but can’t be certain.  It was a bit of a let down, but the fact that the I did see enough wood paneling throughout the shack made me content.  Truly content.  Within days family members were all at the shack pitching in and making it into quite the palace.  Eric only makes $150 a week and Myranda makes $0.00 per week so they barely have enough money for food and diapers.  However, I’m pretty sure my eyes witnessed someone mounting an ACTUAL SATELLITE DISH to the side of the shack.  If anyone was wondering why 99% of other countries want to bomb us off the map, you now have you answer.

Prior to going into labor, Myranda invites her mom over to tell her she won’t be in the delivery room with her basically because she was on drugs for the majority of her life.  It was actually kind of sad.  I mean, personally, I couldn’t care less but I’m trying to capture some new readers who want me to be nicer.  Moving on.  I’m surprised Hatchet Face didn’t reach into the vagiola and try to take the baby right then and there.  Regardless, Myranda goes into labor and heads off to the “hospital.”  She was in labor for what seemed like 12 hours but, truth be told, I may or may not have fallen asleep for a spell.  I awoke right at the part where the actual doctor said to Myranda that it was time to push and to, “push down on your bottom like you’s doo-dooin’.”  I’m sorry, what?  Like you’s doo-dooin’?  I legit thought I was dreaming…dreaming of doo-dooin’.  In the end Myranda, Eric, and the baby head on back to the shack to live out their lives.  Myranda gets bored with being home all the time and is probably realizing that her earlier thoughts of the baby basically being able to take care of herself at 1.5 years old probably won’t happen.  She’ll have to wait at least until the baby is 2 years old before she can be out on her own.  They end up inviting Hatchet Face over to see the baby and then end up allowing her to babysit while they go out for a dinner date (which consists of a place where tiny little sandwiches are served to them on Styrofoam plates).  They keep calling home, but Hatchet won’t answer the phone.   I was convinced she was doing lines off the baby’s crib…or the actual baby herself.  Assuming she is still whilst she sleeps.  But, alas, she just didn’t answer the phone because she didn’t want to stand up and wake the baby.  Uh, ok.  She looked like she was ready to legit spaz out and Bugs Bunny directly through the wall.  The More You Know….

Wanna build a shack with me?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and tell me how to install the satellite dish! And don’t forget to click on the “Recommend” button below so you can share this with your white trash Facebook friends and help me sell out.  If 300 people “like” this blog post the Taco Bell dog will come back to life and high-five you.  Ole!

Related Links:
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo

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