16 & Pregnant Recap: What Would You Dooooo For a Cleondike Bar?

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You wanted to be 16?  Well you better start getting pregnant and getting pregnant fast.  This week on “16 & Oh You Make a Baby That Way?” we get to meet Cleondra (I think) who lives in Horny Lake, Mississippi or Missouri.  I don’t happen to know if either of those places are currently on an official United States map.  What I am sure of, however, is that Cleondra has got herself into quite the jam as her boyfriend, Mario, got her knocked to the up.  And, to make matters worse, Cleondike Bar is a “dancer” and not will most likely not get a major dancing scholarship to East Kackilackee University like she had planned.  I’m sure if she wasn’t so bendy from all “the dancing” she may not be in this mess today.  Although I have other theories that we’ll get to in a few minutes.

Cleondike Bar, who may or may not actually be Cherie Johnson (sans the dog collar around her forehead) lives with her interesting mom…um…er…uh…Dixie (FTW) and her sister Zip-Lock and Zip-Lock’s 2 year old daughter Zycam.  I have no F’n clue, clearly.  I do know, however, that I’m almost certain that they live in a halfway house and everyone is a different race, which is fine by me because it totally increases the odds that when the baby comes out it’s going to be a huge surprise and, if you’ve read my recaps in the past, you know I’m banking on this.  What’s even better is that, per usual, there is a bright red shiny puffy leather couch smack dab in the middle of the living room.  Que Suerte!  I can honestly say that every week when I continuously spot the obligatory puffy leather couch I actually say out loud, “You gotta be sh*ttin’ me!  Again!?”  And later we even notice that Cleondike’s boyfriend has a similar puffy couch in his house, but it’s suede in material.  I haven’t decided yet if that’s a step up or a step down.  I’ll think about it and get back to you.  Either way, good luck hiding the piss stains on that.  Moving right along.

I love how Dixie was all for her daughter getting an abortion and even coughed up the money in order for it to happen. She even bought her a “dang old box of condoms” but I’m sure the box was empty (thanks to Dixie) by the time Lady Cleo needed one. Sadly, her box was not empty.  Something confusing happened with the parental signature and some judge, etc, etc and Lady Cleo thought there was too much involved so she’s decided to keep the baby and be on television show.  Oh, did I mention that her sister Zip-Lock also had a baby when she was 17?  I know, right?  Why do I have this sinking suspicion that Zip-Lock has a 2009 16 & Pregnant audition tape floating around out there?  Also, her hair is the color of The Simpson’s.  Ole!

Cleondike Bar and her boyfriend having been going out and playing “Where Did My Penis Go? Oh, There It Is!  Where is It?  Oh, There It Is!  There It Is!  There It Is!  I’m done.  Can You Go Home Now?” for a few years.  They enjoy things like living next door to each other and apparently walking around the block via way of middle of the street.  Safe.  The problem is that Mario is trying to fix up his house so that Cherie Johnson and her baby can come and live with him, but You Ain’t Just Whistlin’ Dixie wants no part of that.  So they don’t really have a plan.  I think the best thing they can do once they have the baby is save as much money as they can over the course of 3 months and then have as much unprotected sex as they can and have another baby.  They should repeat this cycle until they have enough children to land themselves a spin-off on TLC. Although, at one point Mario claims that they’re not having a coyote they’re having a baby so what do they need to plan. I’m sorry, is a coyote an option? Because if it was I think they made the wrong choice. I think if you’re on this show you have to have drug and literacy tests given to you every 24 hours.

Things get a bit awkward when Lady Cleo heads out to have lunch with her trashbag friends and this one chick keeps on saying things like, “Do you think people think you’re a ho?”  and other favorites like, “At first I wanted to tell you to just keep your legs closed.”  That’s cute.  She should save some of those heartwarming quotes for the “Congratulations on Your New Baby” card.  Then, I get more confused because Cleondike Bar says that Mario blames himself and while she said “no” she wasn’t kicking and screaming the whole time (during sex).  So, I’m sorry, were you raped?  And “no” that’s not funny but she kinda sorta made it seem like date rape gone bad.  I mean, I guess it never goes good but you get the point.

Sidenote: One part that made me laugh out loud was when Lady Cleo was doing the voice-over about how for her and Mario’s 2 year anniversary Mario wanted her to go to his house because there’s too much chaos at her house…and then they cut to all these young guys AND DIXIE playing beer pong in the garage.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  A gang bang and a dumpster are likely involved once the cameras went down for the night (as did Dixie, I’ll guess).  P.S., I don’t want to stop saying “Dixie.”

While the general storyline of this crapisode is boring, the cast of characters is making me squeal with delight.  Enter, Mario’s mom.  Hooray!  What in the name of holy hell is up with her?  Is she even old enough to have her period?  Second, how is she talking without her teeth moving?  Third, is she just real nervous or is she all shaking, squinting, blinking and skittish because she’s “like Suzi” from Teen Mom? I can’t decide if she’s filming a tela-novela once she’s done with this scene or if she’s just really aiming to be the Spanish Carrier Fisher of our generation?  Either way she’s already a national treasure in my eyes.  Why can’t they just have a show about all the parents and call it a day?  She’s freaking out over the baby calling her “grandma” or “nana” and only wants the baby to call her “Ya-Ya” or “No-No.”  I’m not joking.  She said that.  How ’bout the baby just calls her Pain Meds?  It has a nice ring to it.

After all the fighting about what the hell to name this baby (odds are it’s not going to be something simple like “Ann” or “Mary”) it’s time for the baby shower.  The bad news is that it’s not going to be held at Lady Cleo’s house.  Booooo.  The good news is that it’s at her friends house and she, like Mario, has a puffy suede couch.  She must be the “rich” friend.  They play all sorts of traditional WT baby shower games like “eat the melted chocolate out of the diaper” and the like.  What fun.  Since the room was filled with teen girls, and a few token randoms (and I mean randoms) they should have played, “Give Me Every Last Dime in Your Bank Account Because I Want You To Know What It Feels Like to Be a Teen Mom” or they could have just taken a stab at a practice GED test to see how it would go for all of them.  Sky is the limit.  Also, 65 mph is the limit on most US highways.  Just some additional information I like to launch at you here at IBBB.  Oh, and Dixie only showed up at the end to pick up the gifts.  That’s nice.

It’s baby day!  The labor went off without a hitch, especially if you count 6 hours of active labor as “without a hitch.”  Dixie, the party animal, couldn’t deal with the sights she was about to see so she bailed from the delivery room and the remaining United Colors of Benetton siblings stayed with her with camera phones in hand.  I don’t know why they never show the vag during these scenes.  They should show it to all the viewers to let the young kids know (a) what a bust gentlemen greeter looks like and (b) what the repercussions of unprotected sex are.  You wanna have your first orgasm?  Well then look at this!  By the way, it’s a girl.

The rest of the episode will make you lapse into a coma so let me just cut to the chase.  The remaining 20 minutes all have to do with Mario trying to get Lady Cleo to move in with him all the way across the street.  He won’t even spend one night in her house, which is kind of weird.  Maybe Dixie sleep-diddles in the middle of the night?  One may never know.  Mario basically leaves Cleondike Bar alone on the first night home from el hospital (that’s “the hospital” in a language called Spanish) and is hardly seen for days after that. At this point it’s Christmas and Mario’s mom has what I can only assume is all the neighbors Christmas decorations on her front lawn as well as all the lights from the tree at Rockefeller Center strung up every which way possible.  It’s not doubt that she’s having facial seizures on the regular now that I’ve seen this.

Why do I feel like half of this episode is under some kind of code?  When Lady Cleo has to go to school to take a midterm she has her sister watch the baby while she’s gone.  Once Mario catches wind of this he gets pissed because, for reasons that they won’t say, he doesn’t want the baby alone with her sister or her brother.  Why?  I mean, they look like trusting people.  Do you think they’re the kind of people who use babies as drug mules?  I should look into that.  I could use some extra cash around the holiday. Anyoxy, they come up with this rando schedule of who watches the baby 5 days a week.  No joke, I’m pretty sure the baby is with a different person every day of the week.  At one point I’m almost certain the mailman has a shift.  Nothing like “consistency” in a newborns life.  If Dr Drew doesn’t bring this up during the reunion then I’m not watching any more Celebrity Rehab.  I’m kidding.  Of course I’ll watch.

Finally for one night, Lady Cleo decides she will stay over at Mario’s house so he can see what it’s like to have to be up with a baby 24/7.  I’m sure this will go smoothly as he didn’t even want to come over during the day to help her with the baby since he was “tired” and didn’t feel like doing anything.  To no surprise, the baby slept all of 4 hours and then was up screaming at 4am.  Mario couldn’t be woken.  Perhaps they should have turned on the outdoor Christmas lights to get his attention?  I’m sure this would cause him mom to bark at the window for 45 minutes.

In the end, Dixie and Mario’s mom (whose name I still haven’t caught) have a little intervention with “the kids” to see if they can work on their relationship and come to an understanding.  I have no idea what in the hell Mario’s mom is actually trying to say, but at one point she says she kind of agrees with Cleondike Bar because at night she wants “all of her little chickens in the nest.”  I’m sorry, what?  I actually think she’s talking about legit chickens and I also think that she thinks that she lives in a nest.  This woman is gold.

Lady Cleo and Mario decide that Mario will trying staying over at her house one or two nights a week and see if that works.  They claim they really love each other and so are going to try and make it work out.  Yawn.  Why wasn’t anyone punched in this episode and how come no one was cheating?  Unless any of these things happen even an allegedly crazy mother can only hold my attention for up to 25 minutes.

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