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Grab your ankles and brace for your epidural because it’s time for the season finale of “I Still Can’t Buy Scratch Tickets, But I am Old Enough to Store a Fetus in My Belly!” This time around we have Ashley, a young girl from the corner of Texas, and I’m sure this recap will spark a sh*t-ton of comments since we are tackling the hot-button after-school-special issue of adoption. Regardless, why do they always start the episode with the voice-over that goes something like, “I’m a high-school junior and have big dreams of going to college in New York City where I’ll study photojournalism, but all that’s about to change….because I’m pregnant!” It’s like no sh*t…the show is called 16 & Pregnant…I didn’t think the big surprise was that you got a record deal. Anydialted, here’s what went down last night on Sweet 16 and In Quite a Jam:
- I’m sorry, 90 minute season finally? What a new an inventive way to kick me in the nuts at the very end of my day!
- Yes! I see “puffy leather!” I only thought “the poors” had the puffy leather and it was a direct correlation with teen pregnancy, but apparently a hole has been poked in my educated theory. The more you know (cue the shooting star).
- Ashley is busy bragging about being pregnant longer than being with her actual boyfriend at the time. Huh? Is that like one of those SAT word problems? I couldn’t answer it then and I can’t answer it now.
- Justin, Ashley’s baby daddy as “the kids” say is totally wanting to raise the baby and junk, but he doesn’t really have any, oh what do you call it, money and, well, he doesn’t really live anywhere besides his friends car so there’s that issue too.
- I kind of wish they both stopped calling the baby “it” during the conversation. I think a good rule of thumb is that if you don’t know what the sex of the baby is, don’t call the baby “it” but Francis instead. Example: Do you want me to keep Francis? Example 2: Do you know anyone who wants to buy Francis from us? You know, stuff like that.
- Ashley has a blog. Uh oh, so do I. Am I going to get pregnant too even though I’m sans vag?
- Time to play “How Do I Know If I’m Too Young to Be Having a Baby??” If your answer is, “Because where I just parked my car for the day has about 10 yellow school buses parked directly next to it” you are officially too young to be having a baby.
- Ashley heads off to school, but is secluded from the rest of her class. She winds up in some random room with some kid who she believes is under house arrest because he’s wearing an ankle bracelet. Uh, did this kid have freckles and orange stained skin because, if so, it’s likely it’s My Little Lohan trying to stay undercover from the Paps.
- Thank God MTV lets us know the names of the other random people in this show because if they didn’t I’d be pretty certain Ashley was having lunch with Giuliana DePandi-Ranic. Yeah I hyphened her name even though she doesn’t. Jealous?
- It looks like Ashley will be giving up her baby for adoption. I didn’t think she could because she didn’t have braces like Catelynn and her mom wasn’t a booze hound like April.
- Is Ashley’s mom “Jo” from the first Real Housewives of Orange County? Does that mean her dad is Slade? So many questions so little time. Look, you think it’s easy to recap an episode where the chick gives up her baby for adoption? Well it’s not. I’m grasping at straws here.
- So everyone’s name in this episode is apparently Ashley. We have Ashley the “teen mom” and then we have Ashley the “adoption lady” and then the adoption lady encourages Ashley the “teen mom” to talk with another young girl who recently gave up her baby for adoption and, you guessed it, her name is Ashley too. So, mother’s at home, if you have a daughter named Ashley I recommend you stop reading this right now, go upstairs, and throw condoms at your child. Too much?
- I feel bad for the other Ashley (the girl who gave up her baby not too long ago). You know she’s totally pissed that she’s only an “extra” on this crapisode and was pregnant when MTV was casting for the new season. At least she could have eventually made some money off this deal, you know?
- Wait. Things take a sharp left when Ashley’s mom lets her know in the kitchen that her aunt called and wanted to know if she could adopt her baby. I’m sorry is that not something you ask in person and, well, to the actual person who’s having the baby? Did she just call to shoot the sh*t with the mom and was like, “Ok, let me go, Oprah’s on. Oh! I almost forgot…ask Ashley if I can adopt her baby. Just text me if she says yes. Oh my God it’s Oprah’s Favorite Things… I gotta go.” Click.
- Later at Central Perk, Ashley’s aunt calls her to let her know that if they adopt her baby that if she gets money in 4 years she can’t have her baby back. Again, there isn’t a more formal process than this? I mean, Farrah and her mom had a legally binding contract about the guest house across the street!
- You know, this has to be a tough one. I mean, if she gives her baby to her aunt she will see “Francis” all the time and that has it’s perks (central) and it also has some cons as well. Would you rather the baby out of sight out of mind so that you can move on? I’m not sure. I almost want to get someone pregnant on purpose just to see what I would do in this situation. Stay tuned. Also, stay tuna if you can.
- Ashley and her mom are having a discussion about the actual birthing process, who will hold the baby, and how they will hand the baby off to the aunt. This sh*t is really sad even to think about. The only thing that got me through this part of the episode was when Ashley mentioned that her doctor was going to induce her a few days early because, well, then I know they’re going to use Pitocin (my new favorite word of 2010) and if they say “Pitocin” out loud I get a Bingo and win. Bright side.
- There’s this whole plan with driving the baby 10 hours to her aunts house but Ashley’s mom doesn’t want her to do this because she thinks that she’s going to bond with the baby during the car drive. However, my little ears did hear Ashley mention that they could do the drive in two shifts and stop at Cracker Barrel along the way. Um, isn’t the same place that Gary would order Amber her “romantic dinners” from? It’s a sign Ashley, don’t give the baby up for adoption! Keep the baby and make it onto Teen Mom 3 (one day) and start banking $25K an episode! Please this is your only chance! Your mom isn’t trashy enough for you to give the baby up and make it onto Teen Mom one day. Those roles have been reserved for Catelynn and April!
- It’s time to get induced, but sadly I didn’t hear the buzzword “Pitocin.” However, I did hear “Epidural” but still it’s not the same.
- I’m confused. Go figure. But, in the scene where the social worker comes in to ask why Ashley wants to give up the baby for adoption the next person who comes in the room is Ashley’s friend Shelley…but isn’t Shelley really the first social worker from the beginning also named Ashley? They both have the same pencil-thin mustache so it can’t be just a coincidence, can it?
- Chuckles Moment: Dr Ashley Rick’s comes into the room to see how Ashley is progressing and he literally spreads her legs, looks at the old “gentlemen greeter” and says, “Wow! Ok! Wow!” as his eyes bug out. That can’t be the sign of a seasoned delivery doctor can it be? The only thing that would have made it worse would be if he yelled out “Yuck!” and I’m pretty sure he did, but they just edited it out.
- 12 hours of labor? That sucks. I actually don’t think I can do anything for 12 hours. I think once I slept for 12 hours, but that’s it. Oh wait, I may have played Super Mario Brothers for 12 hours once back in 1989, but I’m sure my mom made me lunch and I took a break and stuff.
- Anypitocin, Ashley have birth to the baby girl while her grandmother stood near her vag and literally cheered her on. The only thing that was missing was pom-poms. I’m kidding. Pitocin was missing too.
- And now the hard part begins…
- The aunt and uncle pop on by to say hello, pat Ashley on the back and tell her she did a great job. Ashley looks like she’s ready to punch the both of them and oddly enough I am too!
- Ashley is now having an even more difficult time deciding what to do. She has a minor meltdown when the nurse comes in to discuss the birth certificate and Ashley’s mom tells her that they don’t know a lot of the procedure because they’re giving the baby to her brother. Seriously, I think that a therapist should be required by law to help these people every step of the way. But that’s just me. I mean, I also think it should be a law that you have to serve a minimum of 10 years in prison if you pronounce the word supposedly “subpossebly.”
- After a lot of back and forth Ashley decides to go through with the adoption. It seems like her mom was gunning for the adoption more than Ashley, but I won’t pass judgment.
- They drive the baby to her aunt’s house and the notary meets them there. The whole time Ashley has to sign the papers I found myself yelling at the TV, “Don’t do it!” Seriously I’m sure she’s making the right decision, but still watching this gave me mad anxiety and I feel like I’d have a nervous breakdown if that was me. I also feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown when I order a bagel with cream-cheese at Dunkin Donuts and they don’t put the cream-cheese actually on the bagel, so maybe I’m not the best example of someone who can handle “difficulty” in their life.
- Holy sh*t. Wait. What? After a few days of being miserable for giving up her baby, Ashley thinks she made the wrong decision so she actually buys a plane ticket and tells her aunt she’s coming to take her baby back…and the aunt and uncle let her. I’m sorry, what? I actually wasn’t expecting that. I also wasn’t expecting her aunt and uncle to be like “sure, no problem” like she asked them if she could borrow the car for the night. So Ashley gets to “parent” the baby for a little while until she can really make the decision for 100%. You totally know Amber is swearing and throwing empty beer bottles at her TV right now.
- The baby craps all over the place once Ashley is taking care of her by herself. I hope she doesn’t decide to give the baby back, crap and all.
- How long is this trail period? It’s now been 2 weeks. And her mom wants Ashley to get a job if she’s not going to be in college. Thanks for the support “Jo.”
- After taking care of the baby with her mom for over 1 month (really?) and figuring out that she may not be able to give her daughter the best future, they call the original adoption lady, (Ashley) to come over and help with her decision of giving the baby back to her aunt and uncle. You know, I was going to throw in my two cents about how insanely hard the first year is regardless, but I’ll save it. I’m sure she’s going what’s best for her and her baby and I’m only some d-bag blogger who typically side-steps episodes like this or deep thought, for that matter.
- In the end, Ashley’s mom drives the baby back to the aunt and uncles house. It’s so sad, really. The end of the episode follows Ashley touring a school in NYC and thinking about her own future. Geesh, way to pull at the heart-strings MTV!? Whatever happened to the simpler days of Butch and April and Amber’s “sexy-dancing?”
Well folks, that’s that. Another season has come and gone. But don’t worry because Teen Mom Season 2 is just around the corner. Speaking of which, Jenelle’s mom is already my likely favorite. Join my latest Facebook group below…you’ll love/hate it!
