16 and Pregnant Recap: Moriah, Our Unsung Hero

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Get tipsy off grape-crush wine coolers and poke holes in your boyfriend’s pack of condoms because it’s time for another crapisode of “I Missed My Driving Exam Because I Was Shot Up with Pitocin.”  Let’s see exactly what went down in a quiet Colorado town:

  • When I walk in the room, I OWN it!  Oh wait, wrong recap.
  • So let’s start off with a bang, shall we?  If you ever wondered what Avril Lavgine would have been like as a 16 year old who’s pregnant, well, wonder no more.  Meet Megan.  She lives in Colorado and her first boyfriend went and got her knocked to the up.  His name is Nathan and he has his lip pierced on both sides and plays video games on the regular.  Something tells me these two Colorado residence enjoy all the same things that Maci and Ryan enjoy like riding dirt bikes, driving around in two-tone cars, and making sure that they call people “skater boi.”  I have no idea what that last one meant, but I’m pretty sure I’m onto something and you know I am too.
  • Megan is 16.  Nathan is 3 years and 3 months older than her so that mean that he’s Statutory Rape years old.  How many candles do you put on the cake for that?
  • Poor Megan’s dad.  Poor guy.  He is busy fighting this pesky little war I heard we have going on over in Afghanistan (which apparently is not a place where they knit patterned blankets) and he comes home to his teen daughter pregnant.  I’m surprised he didn’t get off the plane, see her, and then just walk right back on.  He’s “heart broken” that she’s pregnant and as if we didn’t already believe him, I notice an un-corked champagne bottle right behind his chair in the kitchen.  He probably took one look at her and was like “forget it.”
  • Sidenote:  Who does her sister look like?  More on this later.
  • How do you know if you may be too young to be having a baby?  Easy.  You’re sitting in your bedroom with walls that are painted neon green and have blue hand-prints all over them.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Close your legs to older men, trash box (ode to NeNe Leakes).  Blonk!
  • Megan’s one friend (not the one with the bangs slicked down, the other one) asks what happened to her birth control and apparently Megan claims that it “canceled out” because of some antibiotics that she was on. Well ain’t that some sh*t.  One day you have step throat and then next thing you know, BAM, you have a child growing inside your body.  That’s why you should always wash your hands…so that you decrease the chances of getting sick and, in the end, pregnant.  Plus, schools should be teaching girls to have sex in other places where a baby can’t form like in the elbow, the dimple in your cheek (if applicable) or your ankles.  You never hear of someone getting pregnant from sexy ankle sex, do you?  Well do you.  The defense rests.
  • Annnnnd, enter Moriah, Megan’s sister.  Imagine if her last name was Corey?  Moriah Corey?  Hey-oh!  Anyway, it finally hit me who she looks like.  For those of you playing along at home who answered “Lauren Conrad” after her Freshman year of college, you win!  Ole!
  • And Moriah is as sassy as LC was when she would try to control Audrina, Heidi, Jen Bunny, Whitney, Steph Pratt, and the rest of the cast.  Moriah gives Megan some “tough love” by telling her that she now can’t go to a real college, the statistics are against her, and that her boyfriend will probably leave her after the baby is born.  Well.  There you have it.  Looks like someone has been taking notes during the last 2 seasons of 16 & Pregnant besides me, smarty pants.  Also, she should grow in a light wispy mustache to complete her LC look.
  • I love a home-coming scene when the girl who’s going is preggggnnnant!  Nathan is dressed in an oversized untucked button down shirt and is wearing a backwards baseball cap.  Oddly enough I have a hunch this is also his interview outfit as well.
  • Later Megan’s mom and dad talk to them about Nathan getting a job so that they don’t have to rely on them for a house and food and, you know, survival.  Nathan doesn’t want to get a fastfood job, so her dad suggests the Army.  Yeah, I’m all set with him volunteering.  If he can’t find the motivation to look for a part-time job I’m not overly comfortable with him protecting my freedom.  But that’s just me, perhaps you would be.  See?  This is a free country where we all get to share our opinions.
  • After the quick pep-talk Nathan goes back to his old ways (from 5 minutes earlier) and plays some video games while Megan half-smiles and tells him that he can’t take care of a baby with a video game controller in his hand.  And that’s when it hit me.  Teen Mom for the Wii!  Imagine!?!?!  You could be Gary and you have to make it all through the apartment and dodge Amber’s slaps and punches and then you have to make it downstairs into that random ghost apartment without Amber, literally, kicking you in the back down the flight of stairs.  Bonus rounds would include collecting as many pairs of white plaid shorts and Aeropostal “too-tight” t-shirts as you can!  And don’t even get me started on what the Butch and April boards would be like!  Please MTV make this game and make me the happiest loser alive.  Oh wait, and then you could hook up that exercise board to the Wii and play a round of “how long you can ‘sexy-dance’ like Amber” in 2 minutes 30 seconds!  I like life.
  • Nathan ends up playing video games for so long with his friends that he misses his parents Pirate-themed Halloween party that even Megan is already at.  If they were looking for an outrageous theme couldn’t they just have all dressed up as rich?  And why is his mother wearing a pirate maiden lady costume with Mickey Mouse ears?  Dollar bin. Blonk!
  • The “next day” Nathan so lovingly tells Megan that if she wasn’t pregnant he wouldn’t be with her right now.  Yawn.  Every dude on 16 & Pregnant says that.  Please.  Say something that really shocks me like “I got a great job” or “I bought diapers.”  Something.  Anyway, apparently his plan was to originally move to Fort Collins with 4 friends, but then Megan got a case of the sniffles and ended up pregnant.  That’s pretty sweet.  That’s so nice of him to say on camera.  I would be the worst on camera because I would so politically correct and extra nice, you know, not like me in real life.
  • Time for the baby shower!  Sweet release!  I actually paused this scene so I could take it all in.  First I had a seizure from all the crap scattered around, but then when I came to I remembered some of what I saw.  I spotted some bibs stapled to the wall.  I saw a Hawaiian plastic sheet that was hung up the entire length of the wall.  I saw an old lady with a little boys haircut.  I saw, literally, a black plastic trash-bag hanging from a rope from the ceiling (?). And of course I spotted the puffy leather furniture that all “the poors” sport in this series.  So, clearly, I filled my Bingo card and won myself a blue-haired Troll doll with jewel belly.
  • Moriah is laying the sh*t on the line for Nathan.  She is looking more and more like LC in this scene and I have to admit she kind of rules.  Finally someone is being the voice of reason in this crap show.  Usually the family is all timid and shy and/or uneducated, but not this one.  Moriah is taking Nathan to the cleaners.  The only thing that was a bit of a drag was when she started on the whole “joining the Army” song and dance.  Look.  I’m all for it, but he’ll need to go to Sally Jesse Raphael Teen Bootcamp before he ever joins the Army.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s some kind of law anyway.  Also, I can’t believe all this is going on and Lauren isn’t here.
  • To celebrate her 36th week of pregnancy, Megan decides to dye part of her hair hot pink.  I remember when my mom dyed her hair pink when she was pregnant with me.  It really made for some beautiful Christmas pictures that first year.
  • Nathan ends up coming over to apologize to Megan and claims he wants to be involved more.  My guess is that he Googled “salaries of Teen Mom cast” and decided to hop back on the future money train that is Megan.
  • Just when things are looking up, Moriah Conrad has to head back to her base in NC and finds out last minute that she’s heading to Haiti and then will probably have to go right to Afghanistan so she may not see Megan and the baby for 1 year.  Wow.  That is insane.  Service women and men really give up a ton to protect all of us.  That must totally suck.  Well now I’m bummed out.
  • Moving on.  Megan is about 62 weeks overdue.  In fact I think they’re celebrating his 1st birthday from inside the womb.  She ends up trying a few ways to induce labor which consists of jumping, bouncing, and then…well…then she takes out some castor oil.  I mean, if she grabs a turkey baster and a set of pliers I’m shutting my TV off.
  • Well all that must have worked because the next morning Megan started having horrible contractions, but she still had time to stop at Wendy’s because she walked into the hospital with a large soda in a supersized yellow cup.  And after some pushing and whatnot, her baby is born.  I did hear the doctor say “we’re going to do this without a tear” and, well, I don’t know if that means what I think it does but I don’t think she means “crying.”  Gulp.  Also, fail for not mentioning the 16 & Pregnant buzzwords: Pitocin and Epidural.
  • I am really still thinking about a Teen Mom game for the Wii.  Another board is you’re the orthodontist and you’re tasked with trying to get Catelynn’s braces off before Tyler finds her phone records.  Seriously, this game could have at least 8 levels!
  • At one week old, baby Blake is a crying machine and Nathan is spending all his time play video games.  Shocker.  Even Megan’s friends are ignoring her calls and text messages and never even visited her in the hospital.  Well that sucks.  You think if anything they’d be superficial and just be nice to her to get camera time.  I mean, that’s what I would do.  Just me?  Moving on.
  • To no surprise Megan takes entire care of the baby and then her mother has to help out when she goes to school.  Nathan can’t really help, in his defense, because he stays up until 3:45am playing (you guessed it) video games and needs his beauty sleep.  Megan has a heart-to-heart talk with Nathan getting a job and we know that she really wants him to get a job because she says the word “job” about 10 times in under 36 seconds.  I don’t know why he’s having such a hard time getting work.  Isn’t Orange Julius, Coconut Records, and Merry Go Round always hiring?
  • Nathan’s friends (who just all got jobs) come over to talk about him getting a job laying floors in Texas.  Honestly, I’m not following this at all.  I guess his one friend got a “ticket” to go lay tile floors in Texas so he thinks that Nathan can get a “ticket” too.  What is this magic ticket?  Seriously.
  • Megan is all upset that Nathan may have to go get his “ticket” and go to Texas to lay floors.  In the end Megan wants to eventually get her own place with Nathan and get a job.  She didn’t say anything about her dying more of her hair pink, so I guess we won’t know how that goes unless there’s some kind of reunion episode.
  • Why do I have a feeling that Moriah is the first one who’s going to send me hate-mail?
  • Sweet sixteeeeeen!

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