16 and Pregnant Recap: Brooke’s Baby and Barn Bonanza!

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  • Well if you love Teen Mom you need to know where it started.  Enter: 16 and Pregnant.  This time we have a whole new group of girls who are…wait for it…16 years old and, you guessed it, pregnant.  MTV sure doesn’t leave much to the imagination.  Personally I think they could have classed it up by calling it something like, “Sweet 16 and I Have a Human Growing Inside of Me.”  I mean, this way you’d tune in to see if “said girl” has been taken over by an alien or if she’s just knocked up.
  • Anyway, this crapisode is about Brooke.  Brooke is a sweet 16 year old (go figure) who got herself in trouble with her boyfriend Cory and is now pregnant.  Her mom is taking it better than most even though she spoke to Brooke about safe sex and even kept a bowl of condoms under the sink in the bathroom.  See, that was her first mistake.  Everyone knows the best place to store free condoms is inside the cereal box, this way every morning when Brooke is getting ready for school and having breakfast, condoms would be falling out of her Frosted Flakes like she just hit on a slot machine.  Tony the Tiger says about condoms, “Because careful because sometimes they brrrrrreak!”
  • I just realized Brook’s mom is named Misty, which is great because it’s like April (from Teen Mom) is trying to speak to me from the grave since I used to always assume that she smoked Misty 120’s.  Therefore, Misty’s new name is simply Misty 120’s.  Done and done.  Head to your local city hall as I’d like to sign the name change papers.  Oh, by the way, Misty 120’s was also a teen mom, as was her mom, and her mom, and her mom’s mom.  No joke, I’m pretty sure if they traced this all the way back her great-great-great-great-great-great-great (x10) grandmother would be Mary and her son would have been Jesus.
  • Brooke is already more successful in life than me as she’s only 16…pregnant…married…AND has a TV show.  Lucky!  I swear to God I am going to make it my mission to go school to school and tell girls that 16 is the new 29 and they should start putting their hook-a-dee-doo’s next to some wonki-don-dings in order to land themselves a show on “the television.”
  • It’s Brooke’s wedding day!  Is this one of the first cases where they get married before having the baby?  Good for them.  If you’re going to miss Prom you might as well have a party that’s the equivalent and that God can come to.  Her “fiance” Cody, who I first assumed was wearing a ski jacket up at the alter but then remembered they all love “racing” is ready to take the bride.  He looks like he’d rather be playing xBox right now, but in all fairness he had plenty of time to play with the box, as that is why they are currently in this situation.
  • Bless your heart. After the wedding they hop into their white pick up truck that can later double as a diddler mobile and take off down the street with soda cans tied to the back of it…with string.  Maybe if these kids used some of that string to tie around their fingers they would have remembered to (a) not have “da sex” and/or (b) remembered to wear “da condom.”   Either way,  had the camera panned out I’m sure we would have seen Butch from Teen Mom chasing that truck and those cans like a son-of-a-bitch.
  • P.S to the guy standing near the truck in his jeans, you were at a wedding.  At least have some class and wear dark jeans.  Yeesh.
  • I’m seeing a theme with these young mothers. Either their boyfriends or their family fixes race cars, races race cars, or builds race cars.  Either way, race cars may lead to teen pregnancy.  They should have a sticker that says that placed in all race cars like the warnings they have on a cigarette boxes.  Sidenote, they’re honeymooning at the race track which I believe is where they conceived.  Very romantic.  Circle of life, my friends, circle of life.
  • Meanwhile once at “the race” Cody races his car and blows a tire.  Honestly, it looks like he was trying to make a break for it.  I was waiting for him to try to “Bugs Bunny” his way through the fence.   Her dad is still in the race though and when he wins the race  someone over the mic is giving out Brooke’s life story.  It sounded like the parents in Charlie Brown and their muffled voices but I did get to hear, “…they’re only 16…just got married…needs prayers.”  This guy should be giving the play by play during the actual birth.
  • The “next day” they’re all heading to el hospital to get an ultrasound and find out if they’re having a boy race car driver or a girl race car driver.  If it’s a boy they’re going to name him Brody.  If it’s a girl they’re going to name her Emma.  Awesome!  Brody and Emma?  They took the names from my two favorite shows that I still pretend are on the air; “The Hills” and “Friends.”  Que Suerte!  We learn that they’re having a boy and so they will name him Brody, but not from The Hills.  Instead they’ve combined they’re names (Brooke and Cody) to come up with Brody.  Awww.  Thank God their names weren’t Penelope and Dennis or we may be calling the child “Penis.”
  • Since these kids are living rent free with Misty 120’s she ‘s making it a rule that they have to clean the house instead of paying, which seems fair and like a good lesson.  Although, whose job is it to clean and fix the broken down Grandfather clock that seems to be sitting in the middle of the room, inexplicably?  Also, are we on the set of Hoarders?  This crew better pray they make it to Teen Mom status.  They better get trashy and get trashy fast.  Trashier.  Trashier.
  • They might build a barn to live in.  no joke.  Also I have no idea really what is going on since I’m hypnotized by the mom wearing a hat with flames on it.  They literally go barn shopping.  Does that even exist?  Wait, are they talking about a shed?  Or an actual barn?  Wow, they’re talking about an actual barn.  What’s worse is that their dream barn is triple the size of my NYC apartment.  And, what’s worse than that is that their payment would be between $450-$550 per month.  Seriously, I’m building a barn in the middle of Times Square and that’s final.
  • Later in the truck Brooke and Cody are having a little argument about Cody finishing high school early and Brooke just getting her GED.  Brooke is crying over this as she wants to actually graduate from high school.  I’m not sure why this upsets her as going the GED route totally worked out for Amber and everything seems fine with her.
  • Brooke buys Cory a fake maternity stomach so that he can wear it around the house and know what the extra weight feels like whilst being knocked up.  I’m sorry, maybe stop spending your money on pregnancy props and put it towards a down payment on a studio-sized barn with all the bells and whistles and, yes, I’m talking about literal bells and actual whistles.
  • Cody can’t seem to pass some test.  In fact, he’s failed it 3 times.  Jesus, I’ll hold up the flash cards and say, “Cody, 6 x 5…go!” but this kid needs to get his sh*t together.  I mean, he’s almost the proud owner of a son and possibly an insulation-free unfurnished barn without plumbing or quite possibly windows.  Start acting like it.
  • Sweet it’s the baby shower!  I hope it’s like Phaedra’s from Real Housewives of Atlanta.  If it’s anything like the wedding it’s going to be a dream come true.  Ooo la la she’s sitting on a wicker chair!  One of her gifts is a baby food jar with $20 in it.  I’d be digging through the bag looking for more jars.  At least she got a ton of crap.
  • We’re about 40 minutes into this show and Brooke’s water finally broke while she was at school.  I bet the snobby girls at her school call it “skank drippings.”
  • So, 6 hours of labor for probably 47 seconds of sexing in the back of race car?  Check!  However, it’s still a happy day because a baby was born.  That was nice of me to say, right?  Cute kid.  After  a short stay in the hospital it’s time to bring the kid home.  Where’s the barn?
  • After what seems like only a few days (I’m sure it was 3-months) Brooke heads back to school.  Seriously, how the hell does she do it?  I’m in a pissed off mood in work if I only got 7 hours of sleep the night before!?  Can’t she just pay someone to get her high school diploma?  Isn’t that how they do it in Tajikistan?  I just checked.  It is.
  • I love how they keep showing the race cars all smashed up in the backyard at odd times.  They’re smashed up, broken down, and neglected…kinda like it’s symbolizing their future…unless they get that damn barn.  Then it’s smoooooth sailing!
  • Brooke heads off the the hospital to have her doctor inject birth control into her vaginastein.  Seriously, if being 16 and having a baby isn’t enough to swear you off sex, nothing will!  Also, I like how the doctor’s name is Dr. English and English was the class that Cory was behind in.  You can’t make this stuff up.  I mean MTV can, but you can’t.
  • Finally they get to go out for romantic dinner in a place where you don’t even take your coat off. You just sit there and wear it and eat.  They end up having to watch the baby in shifts while they eat.  It’s nice to see them not fighting…I mean they bicker a little but that ‘s probably because of lack of sleep.  I worry about these two a lot though.  I mean, unless you beat the bag out of each other you’re less likely to make it on the cover of Us Weekly.  I mean, I’ll help you all I can by blogging about this crap but you’re going to need to either start neglecting that baby or learn a “sexy dance” like Amber.  You pick.  Then focus.
  • In the end, Cory ends up working a ton so they can have, you know, money and Brooke is crying into the camera because it’s all so overwhelming.  Well no sh*t.  I don’t even think I knew what my ding-a-ling was for at 16 yrs old.  Ok, well maybe I knew but it’s not like I could get myself pregnant after all!
  • I must admit, Brooke and Cory seemed like good kids who just made a mistake but are dealing with it the best they could.  Cory seemed like he wasn’t one of those typical D-bag dads and they didn’t really fight much.  Misty 120’s was a present mom who is helping the kids the best she can by giving them a place to live, but won’t them do it completely free so she adds a little discipline and responsibility, which is good for them.  Best of luck to all involved.  My only complaint is that I wish they got real trashy but, then again, that’s my main complaint with everyone in life.  Ole!

The previews for the rest of the season looks promising.  I think I spotted some real Douchenheimers, which is great.  Plus, I can’t wait for my favorite which is the lady who says, “We gonna take a DNA and if it ain’t yours there’s gonna be some rumble in the jungle!”  I mean, come on.

Thoughts?

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