12
Heidi Montag’s Psychic Better Be the New Cast Member on “The Hills.”
Hey mon! Ya wife’s cheatin’ on ya, mon! Call me now!
I don’t even care if any of the following is true. The fact that Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100 million in the same week that Heidi Montag announces she’s faux-fired Steve Sanders/Spencer Pratt from managing her and, instead, hired a psychic to manage her career is, well, making this the best week of 2010 thus far. I’m not even kidding, the world could end tomorrow and I wouldn’t care less.
The newest face of Heidi Montag told People Magazine that she replaced Spencer Pratt as her manager with psychic, Aiden Chase. Heidi lifelessly said without facial expression, “After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager. Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has.”
Is this robot for real? If I were Heidi I’d just give Enzo a Magic 8 Ball and call it a day. And I’m no psychic, but I have a strong premonition that one day when Heidi dies and is standing at the gates of Heaven, Jesus Himself is going to walk up to Heidi and simply say, “Bitch? Were you completely sh*tting me this whole time?”
Read More On: heidi montag
12
Who The Hell is He Always Pointing At?!
Ugh. Why always the pointing with the fingers? Who do you see, Pauly? Just tell us for Christ sakes. Use your words, Pauly, use your words.
A lifelike Troll Doll, Pauly D from Jersey Shore, made a red carpet appearance in Vegas the other night to attend the premiere of “She’s Out of My League” which was held at Planet Hollywood. Are they really still building Planet Hollywood’s? If I really wanted to eat Demi Moore’s Cap’n Crunch chicken I’d fly to Los Angeles and dig through her trash like every other self respecting American.
In other Jersey Shore news, apparently the Douche Bag Brigade is not allowed (per legal contract) by MTV to drink alcohol while making any appearances until they start filming the new season of Jersey Shore in Miami. At first I thought this was ridiculous, but then I realized it’s brilliant. It’s simply math, actually. Lowering Their Alcohol Tolerance For the Next 2 Weeks + Binge Drinking During Day 1 of Filming = Assault, Battery, and Probably Homicide.
Read More On: jersey shore cast
12
So Does Ramona Make Money Every Time She Says, “Renewal?”
What is it about Ramona that makes me want to watch her on a constant loop? Ramona Singer and Alex McCord from Real Housewives of New York City stopped by Good Day NY (which may be the worst show on television next to Good Day LA) to talk about what’s been going on so far this season. Similar to my inability to watch “True Life: I Have Tourette’s” or “True Life: I Have OCD” as I believe I can catch those diseases through my TV simply by watching it, I notice my eyes start bugging out and twitching and I constantly change my seating position anytime I watch Ramona. I’m totally catching whatever the hell it is that she’s got.
Read More On: real housewives of new york city
12
This Time Last Year: I Had a Plan
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to a timeless picture I’d like used in the unlikely event I go missing….this time last year…
Dear Loyal and Bipolar Readers,
I’ve been thinking. I’ve decided that in the unlikely event I were to ever go missing, or a boat I’m on flips over, or I get kidnapped by Kelly Cutrone, or I pull an Amelia Earhart, or I get locked in a trunk, or I get tossed off a cruise ship, etc I would please like someone to use the above picture that I drew of myself to send to the news outlets, online sources, and tacked onto telephone poles throughout your city.
This is all quite simple, you see. This photo that I’ve created is timeless. It’s simple. Sure I have olive colored nose and hands, but that’s besides the point. Anyone notice that picture of Chandra Levy that CNN keeps showing? Yeah, it’s like attack of the 90’s. I don’t want that done to me. I don’t want to go missing and have my parents send CNN a picture of me from 6th grade with lasers shooting behind me in the background. The photo I’ve created is much better and when I’m finally found, I won’t be embarrassed. It’s a real win-win. I don’t think there are any holes in this plan. Plus, how much are “the kids” going to love it when that picture is on the back of every milk carton this side of the Mason-Dixon (no idea where that is).
Thank you all, in advance, for your cooperation.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB (both the real and cartoon version)
Read More On: this time last year
11
…In Other News…
What’s Aniston packing? In other news…
~ An Extra Happy Britney ~ CR
~ Mad Men Dolls: So You Can Teach Kids to Smoke and Drink Even Younger! ~ LS
~ Betty White: SNL: May 8th: Be There ~ DL
~ Is That Unicorn Hat Giving Me the Finger? ~ Ayyyy
~ Jersey Shore Cast Gets Inglorious…See What I Did There? ~ ABH
~ J Simps Fat Rumors….Again ~ Y!
~ Housewife Running. Housewife Running. ~ DSF
~ Slater Should Have Slapped a BuddyBand On It ~ EB
~ Charlie Sheen and the Case of the Hooker? ~ C|B
Read More On: celebrity gossip
11
Kids Picture This: Let’s Put Down the Crayons and Pick Up a Dictionary
Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
Picture # 1 – Ay yi yi. You know what? Let’s just make a new rule, Little Jimmy, if you can’t spell just don’t. Don’t. Just stick to drawing. Actually, I’d reconsider that too. Any chance you can swing a bat? Because this may be your best bet as a “paying job” after you repeat 2nd grade six more times. I’m not even kidding, I’m pretty sure this cryptic message to “Justin” is actually a message to the Taliban to start blowing sh*t up again. In fact, I’m guessing they’ll be using that “truck” that Little Jimmy drew. I mean, it makes sense as those tires are actually just rocks that the Taliban will throw at each other on a dirt road as they hide behind broken down cars that are engulfed in flames while their 6 wives cover their faces, raise their hands to the sky, and cry in foreign tongues. You know the scene. Now let’s try to dissect this message. For some reason I’m going to need to you read this with a German accent. I believe it reads: “Dear Justin. I like when you tuk us the hard. It was fun dan, was ulot of chres from amFar.” I have no idea. I didn’t know where the last sentence ended or started for that matter. All I know is that Justin apparently tuk’s them on the hard and, well, I’m going to need to report this to the authorities. And let’s get back to that truck that is, most likely, being used as a missile. Is Big Bird driving this truck filled with illegal immigrants across the Mexican border? Did I just crack the case? I think I just did. Maybe the whole sentence about “tuk us on the hard” is really code for “tuck and roll once we hit the border and the dogs start chasing us.” Does this make me a diplomat? I believe it does. I believe it does.
Picture # 2 – Another picture sent to me from an IBBB reader – Hey there Little Billy. You doin’ good? Yeah? I bet you are. I’m going to need you to do me a little favor though, ok? Good. Yeah, I’m going to need to your stop poking Little Christina with the pigtails who sits next to you with your #2 pencil and pay closer attention to the teacher. Yeah. Ok? Good. You see, Mrs. Skanky-Bottoms asked that simply just draw a peanut man…..not a peanut and a man. Although, way to think outside the box. And while I may not be French, I give you an A+ for the spelling of “peanut” because I’m almost certain that’s how you say it in French: “penute”…as in, “Pardon me, would you please pass me a handful of penutes?” Awesome. And seriously how psyched is that dude to be standing next to a life size peanut?! That’s quite possibly the biggest “thumbs up” in recorded history. It’s almost like this guy smashed his thumb under the life size peanut and is now showing us “Exhibit A.” And look how “cracky” his eyes are! I love it. You totally know this guy is all strung out on meth and is just standing next to a building, but to him it looks like a giant peanut. If there were another picture he’d be in a swimming pool, but would think he’s actually floating in a bowl full of jelly. P.S, nice work with the three “skid marks” above the peanut. Sometimes too much peanut butter does that to me too.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!
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Read More On: kids picture this
11
A Wizard of Oz Remake? I’ll Start Casting.
You know how when you’re really drunk you and your friends sit around and someone comes up with a great idea of going away on a trip, spur of the moment, and you all talk about getting a cab, like right now, and heading to the airport and just hop on a plane? You know how everyone jumps up and is like “This is going to be so awesome” and you start digging for your bathing suit, deodorant, and a clean pair of underwear? You know how as soon as you’re all about to bolt out the door you have that one friend that says, “does everyone have their credit card?” and then all of a sudden you sober up in a nanosecond and think, “Wait, this is such a dumb idea. I’m going to bed instead.” Yeah, well whoever is deciding to do a remake of The Wizard of Oz forgot do the part where they just decide to go to bed instead. Terrible idea.
According to the LA Times, “Fresh off Disney’s massive success with Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland,” Warner Bros. wants to remake another childhood classic….The studio is examining two existing “Wizard of Oz” projects, with an eye toward giving one of them a modern gloss and moving it toward the screen.
One project, called “Oz,” currently lives at Warner’s New Line label. It’s being produced by Temple Hill, which is behind a little franchise called “Twilight,” and has a script written by Darren Lemke, a writer on the upcoming “Shrek Forever After.”
A second “Wizard of Oz” project, set up at Warners proper, skews a little darker — it’s written by “A History of Violence” screenwriter Josh Olson and focuses on a granddaughter of Dorothy who returns to Oz to fight evil. “Clash of the Titans” producer Basil Iwanyk and his Thunder Road Pictures are behind that one. (”Spawn” creator Todd MacFarlane is potentially involved in a producerial capacity, to give you some idea of the tone.)”
Ugh? Really? I guess it could be cool. Kind of. If I had to cast this (and I’m writing to Congress right now trying to make this a law), I would cast Marsha Warfield as Dorothy, the Scarecrow would be played by the dude who played the father with the mullet in “My Two Dads.” The role of the Tin Man would be played by Jenna Von Oy (Six from “Blossom”). The Cowardly Lion, of course, would be beautifully portrayed by Bindi Sue Irwin. The Wicked Witch of the West shall be played by Jodie Sweetin. And, finally, Glinda the Good Witch will be played by Tony Danza. Phew, now that that’s out of the way let the Oscar nominations roll in! Oh, and Mary Kate AND Ashley Olsen will each play Toto. Done.
Read More On: celebrity gossip
11
When Oprah Catches Wind of This….
I’m almost certain that when someone speaks the words “Gabourey Sidibe” Oprah’s ears stick up and her tail begins to wag like a dogs would when it hears that high pitched whistle. However furthermore nevertheless and thou, that hasn’t stopped Howard Stern and Robin Quivers from poking a little fun at Precious herself and how no one will acknowledge the idea that it’s going to be tough casting her in future movies and, well, that’s me putting it nicely. Although, Howard and Robin to seem to think she’s a “done deal” for being cast as the football player in “The Blind Side 2.”
I miss listening to them. Even though it’s always wrong they do make me laugh. I guess enough time has passed. Let the Gabourey Sidibe backlash begin.
Read More On: howard stern
11
Kristen Wiig Does “V” Magazine
When I first read that Kristen Wiig was in “V” Magazine I just assumed she was showing off her “gentlemen greeter.” You would think that too, right? Right? Riiiiiiight? Anyway, she’s not showing off the Grover Beavland, but she is transforming herself into three random women from what I can only assume is history. Yup, I just checked. It is history.
Quite possibly one of the best SNL cast-members of all time (yeah I said it), Wiig morphed into Carmen Miranda (and gives Bugs Bunny a run for his money), Brigitte Bardot, and Frida Kahlo (whom I just discovered is technically not Selma Hayek). Personally I think that she looks like Meredith Vieira in the last photo, but it’s still a win-win-win.
It’s strange because whenever I write about Kristen Wiig I always get emails from randoms telling me they can’t believe I think she’s funny. I don’t just think she’s funny, I think she’s brilliant. Am I wrong? I don’t think I can be. Similar to my love of Kelly Cutrone, Ramona Singer, and Harriet Carter, I want to split a 30 pack with Wiig and then knock over a 7-11. Why can these things never happen for me? I read The Secret. Blah.
*Thanks to Molly for the tip on the story
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Read More On: celebrity gossip
10
Hey Lindsay? Georgia Rule: You’re Not Getting $100 Million
Sounds like someones freckles are dangerously close to her brain. Lindsay Lohan is very mad and she’s not going to take it any more. I mean she’ll forget all about this as soon as she sees a shiny silver object, but in the meantime she’s very mad. According to the NY Post, Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering.
According to Lindsay’s lawyer, who I’ll just assume is Perry Mason, said that Lindsay has the same singular name recognition as Oprah or Madonna….or Syphilis. Ok, I made that last one up. And, since this ad was seen by 15 planets filled with people during the Super Bowl and the winter Olympics, Lindsay is looking for $50 million in exemplary damages and $50 million in compensatory damages. Or, as a way the lawyer probably had to explain it in terms that Linds could understand, “$2.25 per freckle.”
E-Trade could not be reached for comment. However, if I worked for E-Trade my comment would be, “Lindsay. Get a job. Georgia Rule!”
Read More On: lindsay lohan
10
Well It’s Official. Heidi Montag Turned Into Janice from The Muppets.
If there’s one thing that Heidi Montag is good at, it’s comedic acting. And, lucky for us, she’s trying her hand at a little comedy by teaming up with Funny or Die. She pokes fun at herself for being an absolute a-hole for getting all those much-needed-but-should-have-never-been-done surgeries and, in the end, she’s taking a bubble bath and looks like Sandy, the dog from “Annie” when they tried to give him a bath at Daddy Warbuck’s mansion. Spade her while you’re at it.
Check out Heidi on her Funny or Die video below and the guest appearance by Spencer/Steve Sanders who looks pretty much a homeless man with a blowout.
Read More On: heidi montag
10
Harriet Carter Wednesday: Yeah, No. That’s Not Quite True.
Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Let’s celebrate! Let’s text and drive! Harriet Carter, the patron saint of white trash, typically provides me with smutastic products, but sometimes she shows me a little something that I don’t quite understand. Let’s cut the small talk and get to the products. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Do you simply have to have the latest and greatest technology? Have you just upgraded your Multiscribe floppy disk with a hard disk? Do you want to show off how technologically advance you are to all your friends? Oh and by “friends” I am of course talking about the stuffed animals you have placed around your TV tray having a tea party. Is it just me or is this “Touch Screen” Remote Control just a regular remote control placed in what I can only assume is an old Nintendo controller with a little Saran Wrap placed over it? Just because there’s a plastic case over it doesn’t mean it’s actually “touch screen.” I mean, sure, the price of $15.98 should give away the fact that even Walgreen’s won’t carry this crap. And look how they crossed out $19.98. Wow! Now it’s only $15.98! What a real treat from the pricing gods. Notice how it doesn’t come with the 2 AAA batteries? Yeah, that’s how they just lowered the price $4.00. And could they not have come up with a remote control in a little better condition than this one? It looks like a mouse has been chewing up near the top of the control and part of the Saran Wrap is all marked up, like it’s been used to beat the dog with which, in this case, I’m sure it has. I’m. Sure. It. Has. And “11″ and “12?” Really? What remote control has an “11″ and “12″ button on it? All terrible. All of it. I’ll take 2.
Product # 2 – Someone take note right now. I want this cake for my next birthday and thanks to the “alphabet cake pan” I just may get it. Alphabet. Alphabet? So basically you’re telling me that what I’m actually looking at is not a “5-0″ birthday cake, but an actual cake that just says, “So.” Really? Brilliant. Imagine walking into your surprise party and you see your cake that just says, “So?” This makes me want to get really creative with cake ideas. For example: “Yeah?” or maybe “And Your Point Is…” Or let’s use these cakes to break some tough news: “I’m Not Your Mother” or “I Blew Our Retirement Savings on Coke Whores and Big League Chew.” So? Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. Did they really need to add those three candles onto the “So” cake for us to get the concept? They look stupid all the way in the corner. Dumb. This is the worst/best birthday ever.
Read More On: harriet carter
10
Keep Your Legs Closed to Prison Men, Hooker.
Oh hell no! Real Housewives of Atlanta’s NeNe Leakes is going to knock Kim out over this…even though she had nothing to do with it. NeNe’s just like that. According to recent reports, NeNe’s son, Bryson, has been arrested on drug charges. Bryson, who NeNe won’t allow to wear anything pink and, well, thank God for that now, was in the Gwinnett County Detention Center with two charges against him: possession of less than one ounce of marijuana and failure to appear.
If i were NeNe I would be in court yelling, “We’re gonna take a DNA, that’s what we’re gonna do.” And then I’d finish up my closing statements with “Pow. Bam!”
Read More On: real housewives of atlanta
10
Snooki’s Boyfriend Wants to Put Her on a Diet. I Say Lose the “Freakin’ Poof” and Automatically Drop 15 Pounds.
Honestly, all I see if a floating head. The Rhea Perlman of our generation, Snooki Polizzi, and her boyfriend, Emilio Masella, are officially in love and probably will be until the new season of Jersey Shore starts filming. Snooki’s boyfriend told People, “We both started feeling it at the same time.” I assume he’s referring to the burning sensation in their crotches, but I digest. He continued, “I’m trying to train her, but she’s always on the road. I wrote up a diet for her. I’m trying to get her to start dieting and start training.”
First off she’s probably “always on the road” because she’s giving road head…and I’m sure that will help her burn some extra calories. I mean the poof on her head must be like a 15 pound weight anyway. And what “diet” did this douche write for her? And why would he publicly tell people this especially after Snooki discussed her old eating disorder? Poor Snooki. Maybe just decrease the pickle intake to about 4 per day.
Read More On: jersey shore cast
09
I’ll Take “Hate Mail” for $200
Another day, another nastygram. I guess the song was right. You do take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the fact’s of life….the fact’s of life. This time someone, who I originally thought was either the son of Papouli from Full House or the father from Webster, decided to email me over on Facebook to let me know how horrible I am. So if you ever wanted to see exactly what an actual adult Bindi Irwin fan looks like….here you go.
I did remove his last name to protect the mentally unstable (allegedly). I also can’t follow one sentence this guy sent to me. It’s like reading the instructions that you get when you buy an entire train set from the Dollar Store. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. I did take the time to write back as it’s important to thank those who love and hate the site…and me, for that matter.
Read More On: celebrity gossip
