I figured I’d save my best artwork for the last Teen Mom 2 recap and, well, I know you appreciate the time and effort it takes to cut and paste a “dog waste” sign onto a picture. It really makes 75.3 years of college loans well worth it. I hate to point out things after the fact (on opposites day), but the fact that they didn’t sit these rusted out trash baskets on a puffy leather couch and cover them up with an animal-bodily-fluid-stained afghan really gets my goat. And you can tell I’m upset since I used italics for the word ‘really.” Also for the fact that I brought my poor and defenseless goat into this argument. Are we having an argument? And where the hell am I? Let’s go…
Chelsea – I am as shocked as you that I’m recapping Chelsea. I am also a little shocked that the Big C (wink) chiseled off half her makeup and seems like she’s on enough tranquilizers to stop a charging rhino dead in its tracks. Right off the bat we’re forced to hear Dr Drew talk about Adam pulling out. Seriously, how is that not bleeped out? Since Chelsea is a rocket scientist (which is a dying profession, by the way) she didn’t think she needed birth control because they were only having sex that one time. Oh, and after Drewski brought up taking the morning after pill like it was Pez, Chelsea claims she never thought of it because, again, they tried the brilliant pull-out method, which I believe has a 13% success rate. Plus it’s messy so, well, that’s that.
Chelsea by the Sea has a case of “the sads” because Adam has a girlfriend who sounds like a real winner. I caught myself nodding off (which isn’t dirty) and when I came to (giggity) I’m pretty sure I heard Chelsea claiming that Adam’s girlfriend took a shower with Aubree. Insert Scooby confused voice here _____. Now if I ever thought of anyone showering with their daughter, you know, for money it would of course be Farrah. I’m sure that’s in her archives, similar to the Disney Vault, just waiting to be released. Seriously can they arrest her on suspicion alone? Someone (like any of the court appointed attorneys) look into that. Meanwhile, moving past the potential diddle-spree, Ms Clinton is upset as well because she hasn’t had a boyfriend since Adam and all the other teen moms have had boyfriends. Uh, yeah, and 90% of them don’t have custody of their kids anymore. I know this chick is bricks, but truth be told she’s actually the most put together because (1) she goes to school and (2) her dad pays for everything. Toss in a little check-e-poo from MTV and, viola, you’ve got yourself a catch. So I think she should just stay single and stay on track. The only thing that should be entering her “gentlemen greeter” is her Mirena and the occasional breeze.
Adam comes out on stage dressed like Joey Lawrence and ruins all the fun. He’s wearing a too-tight t-shirt and what I can only assume is ripped stonewashed ‘dungarees’ that have a giant hole in them…and shiny black dress shoes. Ironically enough this is also the standard outfit that TLC wore during many of their 90’s hits. Unfortunately there is not a condom in his glasses, but perhaps if there’s another season. Anyhat2daback, Adam spills the beans that he is on a break from his current GF so he and Chelsea are slam dancing each other but are not dating. He then confuses even Dr Drew by saying that he still loves Chelsea all whilst she cries. It’s interesting that the tears aren’t making half of her face melt off. She really is growing up. Oh and he address that he and his girlfriend simply gave Aubree a bath after she was in the pool so she didn’t go to sleep with chlorine on her. I’ll assume chlorine is a nickname for his bartending girlfriend?
Finally Randy Not Jackson heads out on stage dressed like Marsha Warfield (Google it) in her play clothes and is ready to deal with this once and for all! I mean, not at all but I felt like a dramatic moment was needed. Randy doesn’t really seem to blame Chelsea that much for hooking up with Adam (erk?) but also claims he doesn’t really need to know the intimate details of that. Yeah that goes for me…and The America too. I’m still cleaning up puked up sandwiches after the whole “pull out” explainer. At the same time, Randy thinks it’s hard for Chelsea to move on from Adam because Twitter was invented and thousands of people tweet pictures of Aubree and Adam’s girlfriend to her. It’s funny because it seems like that whole crew would still be kicking around on Myspace or in AOL chatroom at the very least, but I digress. The one thing everyone inexplicably agrees on is the fact that Chelsea is a strong, creative, vibrant woman. Is she now? Poor Chelsea doesn’t seem to see that, but agrees to take Dr Drew’s help (which, if it follows his helpful track record, she’ll end up dead) to get better and “quit the Adam.” God bless. I think she should just try dating Randy. She’s in a Dakota. It’s standard.
Leah – “Hey y’all I’m sportin’ a Reverse Ombre because that’s how we do things in East West Southern Virginia, y’all!” I think the bleach blonde on top really makes her BumpIt pop in the camera lighting. Leah can’t seem to grasp why Dr Dreward is acting like having 3 kids and a husband who lays the pipe elsewhere 6 days per week is a big deal. She’s basically like, “A week has 15 days in it anyway, y’all!” Leah lets the cat out of the Life & Style cover bag that she and Jeremy are expecting a baby. What a blessing. I have a feeling that Leah should save her 1989 braces and just staple-gun them onto the new baby’s teeth because something tells me that kid is going to have “inward bite.” I’m not sure if that’s a real thing or not, but I just envision it, like, chewing backwards and stuff. I’m not a parent. I don’t know how it works. When Drew is all up in arms about Leah having to watch 3 kids whilst her husband is away most of the time Leah looks like he’s explaining how the metric system works. Don’t worry, Leah, I can’t comprehend either. How do you convert 10 inches anyway? Hey-oh! He then tries to dumb-it-down so that they can let the on-call geneticist go home early and says that with 3 kids she’ll be playing zone defense. She stares at him. Silent. And then is like, “oh yeah, I guess you’re right.” How much you wanna bet that she thinks zone defense is a birth control option that you install up your shazammy for 6-months out of the year…and then it just melts away like the stitches they give you when you get your wisdom teeth out? Oh, just me? Screw you then. Regardless, Leah lets us all know that she has a ton of family lined up to take care of these poor saps until she feels like caring for them again. Can you imagine what that line-up must be like? I’ll assume similar to a police line-up and with the same exact cast of characters. Plus, I don’t think it’s in the children’s best interest to learn their language skills from Dawn and Uncle Kracker. It’s going to be a lifetime of Highlights…I can just tell.
Later Corey heads out on stage and times they-are-a-changin’. Most important is the fact that Corey is sans camo trucker hat. It was like Marge Simpson without the green dress. Well sorta. Second of all, Corey and Leah are legit friends now. They text each other and giggle and if Corey grows out his hair they’re likely to braid it and make s’mores. It’s actually great that they get along so well. I just said that. Anyway, Drew asks Corey about those 15 times he led Leah on and then backed out faster than Adam pulls out when Randy is banging on the bedroom door. Corey explained (minus sub-titles) that he was just lonely and had bought a house and hated going home to an empty house. Did he mean empty of people or furniture? Because there’s a difference. So basically he was just looking for Leah to take up some space. Seems logical and understandable. The convo gets pretty light and fun about how Corey has a girlfriend now who’s moved in and then Drew is suddenly like, “tell me about your fears for Ali.” Way to kill my buzz. Everyone is afraid that other little brats will be mean to her. Something tells me she’ll be able to take them. My money is definitely on her. And by “my money” I am of course talking about “travelers checks.”
Next up Jeremy comes out wearing an outfit in which I don’t know what it’s called. Jeremy seems like a nice enough guy, but like Randy he blames a lot of the issues on Twitter and Facebook. Although, no joke, I legit thought he called it Face-Bug. Catchy. Literally. Hey-oh! Apparently Leah reads mean Twitter comments all the live-long day and cries when people say mean things about her. The conversation about what people say about them online went on for so long that I started cutting my hair in my bathroom mirror to prepare myself for when I’m on the Today Show tomorrow morning for online bullying because I was pretty sure they were about to drop the name of my blog. #OneCanDream And to make matters worse people even make fun of Corey on Twitter. Yep. They tell them they don’t like his beard. Wow. How he hasn’t crumbled from the pain is a miracle in itself. If I was on television and being paid for it I would consider hate-mail like little high-fives from Heaven. In the end, Drew keeps telling them all about some sad stats and his shock that Leah basically isn’t dead and alone somewhere. Evidently the numbers were against her of ever finding anyone to deal with and care for her again. No really, he kept talking about that. Well it’s a good thing Leah kept her Facebook page up or she would have been rotting in the back of Corey’s trailer most likely. Ugh I wish those two would get back together. Speaking of Twitter, by the way, click here to follow me on Twitter. Ole!
Well folks that’s that. I know. Fight back the tears. We’ve all had a good run. I’ll be gearing up to toss some Housewives recaps back up again in the near future. Jersey is right around the corner!
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Well dry your eyes and your diaper because it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the end of Teenage Mother Part Deux: Part I. I for one am celebrating by taking a shot of Pitocin every time someone tries to fight back the Dr. Drew tears. I suggest you do the same. And, yes, I’m talking about taking shots of Pitocin and crying. I think we’ve all really grown up since the first season and I include Dr Drew in that statement since he’s finally decided to sport a collared shirt with is “blazer” instead of his Bob’s Discount over-sized-no-brand-t-shirt. It’s pretty nice that Drew can take time away from his other show that ends up killing people to try and help these white trash bags who birthed a baby and made bank thanks to the crew at MTV. Is it just me or is anyone else hoping that Janet will plop her ass on the couch and bust out the fan like Kenya Moore during the Real Housewives Reunion and bust out a few off-key notes of “I’m Gone with the Wind Fabulous” whilst Barb snakes in the background chanting, “Now twirl, twirl, twirl, twirl.” Oh. Just me? Yeah I figured.
Jenelle – Well I mean WTF (Why That Face)!? Jenelle kicks things off looking tanned and pissed. Or like she pissed on her tan. Either way, urine cocktails for everyone! Jenelle’s segment is a complete downer, which is opposite of the uppers that she was taking on the regular. Our poor new boobed Jenelle is crying watching her clips because it’s probably the first time she had any memory of what she did for the past 3 months. I mean, sure, she could scroll through her old Twitter messages, but Big J doesn’t seem like the type who’s into reading words in any kind of logical order. It was sad to see her relive her fight with Gary that apparently almost took her life. Pinocchio? People only strangle you when you burn the roast or your period disrupts sex. Other than that it’s basically just a game of “the tickles.” Jenelle seems to think that if Gary really loved her he would have never strangled her. I’m like, put it on a t-shirt, pouty. After playing “hot hands” with Jenelle’s neck Gary was kicked out of the military and will not be unable to fight crime in North Korea or look for Bin Laden’s hologram, which I hear performs a medley of greatest hits in the auditorium of Tajikistan High School of the Performing Arts & Missiles. His rendition of “Shoop” is certainly a crowd pleaser to say the least.
I’m not sure we ever really knew how bad it was with Jenelle, Special K, and The Drugs. I jest. We did as we have functioning eyes. Evidently Kieffah was actually shooting up Jenelle with Heroin because she didn’t know how to do it herself. Ugh, can she not apply herself to anything in life? It’s like get goals and get ‘em quick. At one point Special K shot her up and she passed out only to wake up later asking what happened and Kieffah relied, “Oh that just happens sometimes.” I squealed with delight when Dr Drew responds with, “Yeah that does happen all the time…it’s called an overdose…and many people die from it.” I think Jenelle thought she coined the phrase or some junk. Jenelle finally had enough of “da drugs” and woke up at 5am and called Super Barb to come and rescue her once and for all. Even though Barb hadn’t spoken to Jenelle for 3-weeks (lucky) she picked her up and detoxed her with a recipe of sugar water, Juicy Fruit, and a whole lot of yelling. Fine, I made that last part up.
Finally after about 10 minutes of tears and Jenelle answering all her questions with her eyes closed, Barb enters our lives potentially for the last time. She is wearing a royal blue blazer, which I can only assume is sponsored by Walmart, and a traditional “Nothing Compares 2 U” black turtleneck. I thought she would have started with, “It’s been several hours and 15…days” but, alas, she did not. Barb basically tells us everything we already know, with the exception of Gary being a big alcoholic that liked to treat Jenelle like a pinata. Barb seems so proud that she knew Gary was trouble but, uh, why didn’t she step in sooner? I blame everyone. I blame you for reading this. I blame me for writing this. I blame Woodsie Owl for even giving us the idea of polluting in the first place! I did, however, feel a bit bad when Barb was choking back tears saying that she thought Jenelle was going to be dead, but my sorrow turned into confusion when I’m pretty sure Barb just kept repeating, “I thought Kieffah was going to give her a hot shot and she’d be dead.” A “hot shot?” Is that a thing? Should I Ask Jeeves it to find out? Eh, never mind. I’ll just take Barb’s explanation as Gospel definition. Even though Barb saved Jenelle’s life for the 9th time (meow) she still isn’t ready to hand over custody of Jace to her. Jenelle cries because, well, it’s her body’s way of looking for drugs, but she also cries because she set up Jace’s room “and everything” so he can sleep over. Is throwing a pilly Transformers bedspread over an Aero Bed really “setting it up?” Who’s to know? All I do know is that Barb is willing to let Jace sleep over from Thursday to Saturday, but Jenelle doesn’t believe it. Dr Drew, however, assures Jenelle that he’ll “hold her to it.” I think Barb just got a bit of the vapors when Drew said that. He better watch out for Pirate Mike’s left hook…and I mean that literally. Like, I think his left hand was replaced with a hook of some sorts. Either way, as much as this reunion briefly updated us it’s not the full update because I’m almost certain that since this was taped Jenelle had been arrested a handful of time, may have gotten pregnant, got married, got divorced, and still never got Jace. I said it before and I’ll say it again, “24-hour Live Streamed Jenelle Helmet-Cam.” It’s the only way we’ll ever really be fully up-to-date.
Kail – Aaaaand enter Suzi’s daughter. Someone has been taking mommy’s pills apparently because Kail is not having any part of this conversation with Dr. Drew. Maybe he reminds her of one of Suzi’s ex-boyfriend’s who tried to possibly play naked Twister with her? Allegedly. I also want to go on record to say that I think MTV and Bravo should combine both the hair of Kail and Kyle from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to cover half of the United States when storms are-a-brewin’. You totally know that the end of Kail’s hair has to be covered in feces. Gross #2! Anychins, Kail spills the beans that Jo hasn’t been paying child support for the past two months and she’s pretty pissed over it. She’s so mad that can barely even talk about Vee(gina) and the disdain she holds for her.
Drew starts asking Kail about why she doesn’t care for Vee(gina) and I guess it’s over the fact that there was a picture of Vee on the Interwebs smoking pot out of a gas mask. I mean. Drew asks the questions we really want to know like, “How do you smoke pot out of a gas mask.” Suddenly this is turning into a Martha Stewart “how to” segment. For those of you who want to see that picture…you’re welcome:
I mean I’m not sure what’s worse…the Lindsay Lohan “peace fingers” sign, the diddler blue tiled bathroom circa 1979, or the bottle of Joop over the toilet. How this one didn’t get “in a womanly way” when she was a teenager is beyond me. Anyway, Kail is so pissed at Drew over the fact that he’d compare Vee(gina) smoking pot to Kail smoking a few times in the past. He actually has a point, but I’m not one to agree with those who sport Mr. Potato Head hair pieces. And did you notice how Kail was like, “I stopped smoking pot when Issac…I mean…when I found out I was pregnant.” Right. She probably stopped smoking pot when Suzi wrestled the join out of her lioness hand.
Later Jo comes out for his national television appearance wearing a hoodie. So, well, that’s cool. He too doesn’t understand why Kail is all 6’s and 7’s over Vee(gina) and I’m pretty sure she’s about to “shake” Dr Drew’s head just like she did to poor pequito Javi. Awww. Ouch. The good news is that these two haven’t hooked up since Kail’s hair was only 1 inch above her ass. So, like, a long long time ago. The bad news is that Dr Drew is going to try and get Kail and Vee(gina) to become lifelong friends. Kail is apprehensive but regardless Vee(gina) comes walking and shaking out on stage like the 4th member of Danity Kane. You know the one. I actually feel bad for her because she’s shaking whilst she’s talking like that girl in your class would always do when it was her turn to present her project in front of everyone. Kail is busy sassin’ at Vee and Jo is just sitting there all quiet like. It would have been the perfect time for Janet to do the worm across the stage, topless, and grind up on Dr Drew saying, “Who me a tease? Brother please. You’re just havin’ bad memories about some skeeze who did the squeeze and had you on your hands and knees. Look, I am telling you, straight out, that’s not what I’m all about. I’d just be playin’ myself out if I spent the night at your house. Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t mean to turn you on. We haven’t known each other long, but this is my life not just a song.” So, yeah, she’d say that to him. I have to admit I’m really going to miss letting my imagination run wild and putting Janet into all of my favorite old 90’s raps and whatnot. Tip your 40.
In the end, Kail has had enough of the third degree from Drew and she storms off the stage saying, “F*** this. You all suck. How do I get out of here?” That’s always my favorite part when people storm off a reunion show. They’re all tough and then you see them slapping at the curtain to find the exit. Had she spent that much time looking for a condom perhaps she wouldn’t be in this pickle right now. With about 2 minutes left she comes back to the stage because Javi is sitting there and Dr Drew needs to pretend he cares to ask him question. He may have asked one. Javi may have answered. I’m not sure. I was thinking of Janet doing a side-kick jump on top of a giant orange in the “I Like Big Butts” music video. Simpler times.
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No I’m not recapping Unseen Moments (genuflect) but feel free to join me on Facebook and post 74,039 posts about it!
Jenelle – Per usual the cameras weren’t there when Barb and Pirate Mike joined superhero forces and knocked down Jenelle’s door to bust her for doing drugs. Luckily, Barb and Pirate Mike are retelling the story like it’s a “to be continued” episode of Who’s the Boss. So, in a nutshell, it rocked. When they rang the doorbell and no one answered, they just walked in. El Pirate claims he thought he heard someone say “come in.” It was probably just the parrot on his shoulder doing his best Aladdin impersonation, but I digress. Once inside they saw them both in bed with a bag of heroin and a needle. Special K tried to make it seem like it was just marijuana, but this isn’t the first time Pirate Mike’s been around the drug-block so he knew what was up. I actually felt bad for My Little Barb whilst she was telling this story because her voice was shaking and she was fighting back tears. Either that or she just had the deli-meat-sweats, but I’ll chalk it up to actual tears. Moreover (bonus points for using that word), Jace is just sitting at the table listening to this reenactment like he’s at the local middle school play of the Berenstain Bears. Luckily Barb has decided to go visit the magistrate (??) to see if she can have Jenelle committed. (1) What the hell is a magistrate and (2) where would you even find one? Barb says she doesn’t care if Jenelle never talks to her again, but if she can save her life… Please, I’m sure Barb is banking on the fact that she’ll have Jenelle locked up and not have to talk to her anymore. I’m sure if Barb could figure it out she’d try to have a 21 year old abortion. Is that a thing? Ask Jeeves it. I’m totally working in “Ask Jeeves it” into my conversations on the regular. #YouShouldToo
Meanwhile, Jenelle and Special K are retelling their side of the story which seems, well, kinda sorta filled with drugs and foggy details. They pretty much were like, “Can you believe they barged in when we were just sleeping…after we finished with our prayer circle and meditation routine?” Gross. Kieffah was all fired up about Pirate Mike putting his hands on him and “stepping to him.” Do people still say that? Special K must be pulling out slang from the grassy knoll which, as we know, never goes out of style. The story took some weird twists and turns because I’m pretty sure they wanted to press charges on Mike for using the bathroom after they told him no. And they want to bring Barb up on charges for home invasion. They should bring her up on charges for taking care of Jenelle’s mistake too. Why the hell not? Jenelle is so upset that she hasn’t been able to see Jace for weeks that she told us she “like cried for 30 minutes.” I mean, did they time it? Oh also, Pinocchio, I’m sure none of this story ever really happened. Regardless, Keiffah wants to make one thing clear: He does not make Jenelle do drugs or put drugs in her face. They both mutually decide to be trash bags. In fact, Kieffah wouldn’t really even do drugs if he had the choice but like he says, and I quote, “It’s hard to stay sober because I want to get high.” Yeah? And that’s what a rapist says. You know what I mean.
Like every other episode, this is turning into an episode of COPS. This time around, Barb heads over to the Sheriff’s office so she can probably buy a gun (Walmart won’t sell her one) and she can shoot at Kieffah’s feet until he dances from the Electric Slide directly into the Macarena. She has all her bases covered. Since the cameras aren’t allowed in anywhere on this show, “minutes later” Barb comes out and calls up Pirate Mike to retell the story. I actually laughed because Barb goes, “So I said…yeah…you know my daughtah.” Apparently she didn’t tell the sheriff what kind of drugs Jenelle had during her “forced intervention” but just that she was all strung out. Barb is a lady after all. After talking with him for like 10 seconds the sheriff is convinced to go and pick up Jenelle and take her to the hospital. He barely even made her fill out any paper work, which is great news for Barb because I’m sure her penmanship is like chicken-scratch. Also, I bet it’s like chicken-snatch, which is a different thing but equally as confusing. Barb ends her recap with Mike and El Pirate simply says, “Bye-bye baby, love you.” I’m surprised Barb didn’t straddle the steering wheel right then and there. She would be like, “I’m so God-damn hot and bothaaahhd from dis heeeaaah hot pirate that I’m gonna ride this steerin’ wheel haaaaahhhd.” I have no idea. Someone call the magistrate on me!
Oh and since the cameras weren’t allowed inside the mental hospital, Jenelle just gets to retell the story of what happened when she got back from dinner with Special K and the cops made her go to the hospital to be analyzed or face jail. After 3 hours they just let Jenelle go. She didn’t seem phased except for the fact that they made her strip down to her Walmart bra and Walmart underwear and then took her cell phone from her. How can she Facebook then!? However, with Big J there’s always a silver lining. You see, she was psyched because her room had its own TV so she was able to catch up on a Teen Mom marathon and then make it home in time to play, “I Gotcha Heroin” which is similar to “I Gotcha Nose” but, you know, with drugs and junk. Was that not clear? Regardless and irregardless Jenelle decides she’d remain loyal to her family and not press charges on them. She is, however, totally willing to drive Kieffah to the sheriff’s office so that he can press charges against them. Jenelle realizes that this probably means that she won’t be able to see Jace anymore until she “one day” gets custody of him (belly laugh) but she kinda seems like “whatever.” Go figure. Kieffah hops on in to press charges and he hops back out with a heroin grin on his face. Pirate Mike is charged with assault and trespassing and Barb is charged with just trespassing (and assaulting the English language). Speaking of which, I believe “trespassing” is Spanish for “make three passes.” Yep, I just check and it is. FREE BARB!
In the end, Barb is devastated that Keiffah would press charges against her beautiful a**. In fact, even the sheriff “burst out laughing” when he was serving Barb with the papers. I mean this has to be slapstick where these goons are from and, well, I love it. Sadly Barb is crying because she realized that she lost her lil b*tch of a daughtah and she’ll end up dead from her drugs if she stays with her “junkie-a**-boyfriend.” Good old Barb, friend ’til the end! Meanwhile, Kieffah almost half freaks out because he can’t find his pills and once Jenelle finds them and they may or may not have taken them and then they both fall asleep, sitting up, mid-sentence on the couch. Seems normal. Good-bye you two. See you in hell.
Kail – The Cowardly Lion has been engaged for two days so it only makes sense that her wedding will be taking place the following afternoon at 1:30. A Tuesday wedding? Quaint. Javi is all excited because he’s likely to head off to bootcamp or North Korea in the next week and he’s also excited because they get to get married all at the same time. Dreams are really coming true for this crew. Since this is just an afternoon weekday wedding, Kail is going to wear a little white dress. White is fitting since a priest won’t be marrying them and, therefore, can’t work the words “whore” and “unwed mother” into the ceremony. Kail looks like an angel in white. The touch, the feel of cotton. The fabric of the poors. Issac looked cute in his little vest and shirt…until they put an actual sombrero on him. Way to hit every stereotype we can in one episode. Why not have him working a churro machine at the reception while he’s at it?!
It’s a pretty nice cast of characters who show up as witnesses. Javi’s mom is there and his friend who is totally rocking Denise Huxtable’s hairdo circa season 3 of The Cosby Show. He was just missing a pudding pop. Like everything else, no cameras were allowed inside so we get to see the aftermath of the “ceremony” which consists of Issac crying. As am I. As. Am. I. I was a little pissed that Suzi wasn’t there to throw rice or, you know, bolts at her daughter when she walked down the aisle hallway. Like any mid-week afternoon wedding of course you celebrate with 2 friends at the local diner. If it’s not dipped in batter and fried, Kail ain’t (ai-not) eating it. Anyjunk, the good news keeps on coming because Javi got his “ship date” and he’s leaving in two days. Kail is sure to make him feel good by letting him know the list of people in his life whose birthdays he’s going to miss. That’s sweet. She might as well kick his dog in the ding-dong whilst she’s at it.
Meanwhile, Kail heads back to the frying machine so she can chat with Jo about her wedding that he probably already read about on Twitter. You know Vee(gina) was all over that. Jo doesn’t seem phased, but he does wish her 20 years of good luck. More importantly, where the hell is Janet? I, per usual, was waiting for her to jump onto the scene doing a class booty bounce whilst I rapped to her, “Hey yo fat girl, come here are you ticklish? Yeah I called you fat, look at me I’m skinny. It never stopped me from getting busy. I’m a freak, I like the boom. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.” Well, you know the rest. She snaked, Roger Rabbit’d and, of course, got on the floor and did the New Kids dance. She is a prize, a class act, and a true lady. She is the light of my life and I one day look forward to being chased up 9th ave on a hot summers day.
In the end, Javi has to pack up his crap and say peace out to his instafamily. He’s crying. It gets awkward. Sure it was a little sad, but I found myself wondering why he was crying his eyes out when saying goodbye to Kail, Issac, his mom, and his brother…and they were all crying…but Kail was half-crying with no visible tears. Look at what Suzi has turned her into! You totally know that Kail was ready to whisper in his ear, “So, like, I’m getting that check this week right?”
Leah - Ok folks, here’s the deal. Leah’s whole episode was about Ali Larter getting a million tests and mini-surgeries performed on her. It’s all kind of sad and, well, I could use all the good karma points I can collect. So let’s just skip this part of the recap. We never really find out exactly what Ali has…but it is narrowed down to some muscle issue and, well, Leah is struggling with all these new words. I wish Ali the best and I prefer to remember Leah as some trash dumpster who liked to trip-on-d*ck prior to her wedding(s). See ya, y’all!
Chelsea – Even Aubree was over this sh*t
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Jenelle - It’s finally Court Day for Barb’s little b*tch of a daughtah, Jenelle! Will she go to the slammer? Will she scissor her way to freedom in honor of Blessed Mother Amber Portwood? Kieffah seems to really care and we can tell that because he’s slurring half of his words together. Truth be told, who knew he knew so many words!? At one point he just says, “Like you going to jail today?” It’s as if he’s asking her if she’s picking up some groceries at the Supermercado. That’s Spanish for, “Pharmacy.” Yup, just checked it. It is. Ole Senor Kieffah! Jenelle is a little nervous if she gets drug tested because she is so hooked on marijuana cigarettes. Seriously, pick up a tougher habit like Nicorette or some junk. The good news is that Big J stopped smoking pot 2 weeks ago so she should fine. Phew! Per usual, Jenelle goes into the court house (she should get her card stamped so the 10th trial is for free!) and we see the “1 Hour Later” sign. Fast forward…she’s free! She won’t have to trade her mouth for cigarettes in the slammer. Gary is charged with being on Teen Mom and I’m pretty sure that’s about all. Oh, and Jenelle’s lawyer is wearing his father’s suit. So there’s that. I bet now Jenelle can finally focus on being a mother to Jace…whom I believe will be turning 22 this year.
Well the black cloud keeps following Jenelle. And she even has some bad luck too. Sadly, we must learn that after not paying her rent for one month she is being evicted. Kieffah can’t seem to understand why the landlord (Mr. Firley) never knocked on the door asking for money. I mean, this ain’t the projects, Special K! I jest I assume my tax money pays for the projects but I could be mistaken. Also, I know nothing about where my tax money goes. Social Security? Who knows?! I write about Teen Mom it’s not like I’m a government math scientist or something. Kieffah is all bummed out that the landlord will take “their” security deposit, but luckily he claims he has enough money from “my pipes” to pay for a new place. If by “new place” he is referring to the “grassy knoll” then, yes, “the pipes” can afford that. No WiFi though. Oh, and the might as well cross off apartment complexes on their “wish list of horror” because Special K said he knows no place will take him because he’s a convicted felon. Now that’s racist! Wait, is that was racism is? Because, I mean, I’m pretty sure a racist is someone who, like, races for a living. No, yeah?
By the way, why isn’t this show just 60 minutes of Barb interacting with society? Just when you think you can’t love this beautiful beast of a woman any more than you do, she really dials it up to about 12. Of course I’m speaking about when Barb heads over to Jenelle and Kieffah’s crack den to show Jenelle what her son looks like. This poor kid doesn’t have half-a-chance. I can’t tell if his white t-shirt says, “I’m single” or “I’m for sale.” Sadly I kinda hope it says, “I’m for sale.” At least a nice family of beavers could potentially take him under their wing. Wait. Either way, summer time and the livin’ is easy. Barb grew her (god-damn) haiaaah out a bit and is sporting a beautiful blue (of course) summertime dress. Her sleeves say, “I could gain wait and there would still be plenty of room.” Apparently the casa de crazy smells like crack, coke, weed, meth, heroine, and a half-falling out Mirena. In other words, it smells like Jenelle’s wrists and left ankle. Barb calls them out on the smell and Big J tries to make it seem like it’s just the smell of trash. Oh please. Like Barb doesn’t know the common smell of garbage? I mean she lives in it and dates it. Sorry Pirate Mike! Arrrrgh. Quickly the conversation gears towards paying the damn rent and Big J still hasn’t paid it. Suddenly Barb is at her absolute finest. She kinda starts chanting about Jenelle and Kieffah, “Since you got together it’s like the same thing, Deja Vu. Same way.” How that isn’t already a ringtone on my phone is a national tragedy. At one point she’s doing a little “time-out” hand gesture followed by what I will only assume is “off sides, 5 yard penalty…repeat first down.”
Next up, the fight commences and at this point Kieffah is still in abesntia from the conversation. Jenelle and Barb are screaming at each other at the top of their poor lungs the way I would assume Roseanne Barr and Sam Kinison would do it on the regular. Jenelle was one octave away from the standard, “Ow! Ow! Ow!” at the end of her sentence. Now, we know that math may not be Barb’s forte but evidently drugs isn’t either. She’s telling Jenelle that she won’t get Jace back because she’s too busy “buying kilos of weed.” Jenelle quickly lets her know she doesn’t buy kilos and Barb is like, “Oh, well, whateva they aaaah…pounds of weed!” She was adorable, easy, breezy and beautiful. But one thing we learned from aging contestants of America’s Next Top Model, is that beauty eventually turns ugly…as does this screaming match. Kieffah’s name is brought up as the source of all problems and then the unthinkable happens. I’m going to need a minute. Ok I’m ready. They attack Barb for both her age and her occupation. They actually say, “Why are you 60 years old and working in a deli.” I can’t. Then Jenelle says, “You’re a deli person who’s going to work at Walmart for the rest of your life.” I began to hug myself in hopes that Barb would somehow feel comforted. Plus, I mean, they totally stole my blog jokes for the past 2 years so, well, there’s that. In other words, hurtful. And it’s even too hurtful for a hashtag. Barb begins to actually cry, but then musters up enough energy to give Jenelle the middle finger and say, “Well F*** you!” Per usual, Jenelle pulls the whole, “Well guess what? I’m gonna take my son and run away and never come back!” I mean, is that a promise? Plus, can you really run away when you’re 21, not living at home, and on a television show? It’s like, we can still see you, stupid. For real, run away via Bobby and Cindy Brady in the Grand Canyon and let some Native American dude feed you franks and beans out of an empty flash light. Best wishes with the mercury poisoning. I hear that’s a real b*tch to shake.
Things get real boring real quick so that can only mean one thing: Drug Run! High-Five…literally. But, like my 6th grade teacher once told us, ‘Drugs, it’s 15 seconds of heaven and a lifetime of hell!” Even as a little 6th grader I was like, “Prove it!” Shockingly she didn’t think it was funny. Anyway, later that day Jenelle has the “post drugs blues” and is crying and shaking and saying she’s so mad and bored and has nothing to do. Special K can’t seem to understand why she’s so upset because he’s got $70 in his pocket and they’re not sleeping in the front seat of the Accord. It’s like a Honda commercial all of a sudden. I thought they bought their drugs in bulk like a Cosco, but after Jenelle locked herself in the bathroom and could barely shove down her pain pills, Kieffah agrees to go to this magical place called Willmington where drugs must grow right off the trees! He’s such a good boyfriend. I hope Jenelle doesn’t burn the roast like she did with Gary or this could end up with an accidental walking into the door again! Mmmm roast.
Kail - Stamp your Bingo card and take a double shot of Pitocin because we just heard the “phrase that pays” which is, of course, “We have to go to court ordered…” It doesn’t even matter what. It’s just court ordered and it’s spectacular! Of course it’s usually court ordered therapy due to anger and the like and this time is no different. Kail has to start up her court ordered therapy because she and Jo played a little game of “Eat yo damn’ cake, Anna Mae!” in front of Issac. Sadly, it wasn’t in front of the cameras. What? I need some new violence to watch after the big let down of a Bald Bull TKO on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Kail’s really with-it and smart friends want to know what they’re going to teach her in therapy and she explains, “They want us to learn to communicate instead of throwing punches.” I mean, this is actually happening. Javi doesn’t think therapy works (voodoo, I’m sure) and Kail doesn’t understand why if people know she has a temper why they even mess with her. This is a match made in white trash heaven (i.e., Jersey…ohhhhh!).
Later, Kail is busy setting crayons on fire that are glued to the side of her house (um, ok) and Javi comes home from work and is ready to have a nice debate about how he doesn’t think therapy is real. He knows it actually is a thing though, right? Kail tries to explain that her brain is wired differently than his because he can not punch strangers and, well, she can’t. Javi is confused why she was never like this during the first 6-months and suddenly is now. Aww young love. So cute. Of course the first 6 months everyone is on their best behavior. After that the real people show themselves and sometimes that includes pooping, drinking to much, potential nose picking and, of course, hard core farting. In Kail’s case toss in some punches and you have yourself a recipe for disaster. After Javi keeps saying that therapy isn’t real Kail makes him walk away because you can tell she’s ready to totally Amber-out on him and kick his television right down the stairs. I wasn’t sure why she just didn’t walk away but something tells me it has to do with the melted crayons dripping off the side of the house. Is this like paper mache for the poors?
Stamp your Bingo card because we just got 4 seconds of Janet bending over up the stairs! It’s like sometimes I only want to live in a world where Janet acknowledges me and accepts my offer to knock over a 7-11 for a 30 pack of Bud Light Lime and trade them for a 12 pack of Stella. I know you guys don’t get my relationship with Janet but our friends think we’re opposites, falling in and out of love. They all said we’d never last. Still, we manage to stay together. There’s no easy explanation for it, but whenever there’s a problem we always work it out somehow (uh, work it out somehow-how). They said it wouldn’t last, we had to prove them wrong. Cause I’ve learned in the past that love will never do without you. So, you know, it’s like that. Was that not clear?
Anyjunk, Kail and Jo head out to therapy which I’m almost certain is up in Nana’s 3 family house. Their therapist may or may not be in the beginning stages of hair plugs, which makes me sad because he knew he was going to be on camera so he could have put a kerchief on of some sorts, you know, like he’s in the bread line in the Soviet Union. Is that still a place? Kail immediately starts crying. I thought it was because she realized therapy was in a borderline brothel, but I guess it was because she thinks that Veegina is trying to take her place as a mom. Jo is afraid of the same thing too…and he’s afraid that Kail is going to move away one day. Little does he know that conversation is taking place within minutes.
In the end, Kail sits on the front stairs of the therapy whore house and she and Jo have a rap-off talk about the future and how Javi is in the military and so they’ll soon be married and move to God-knows-where. Jo, like the rest of the America, thinks it’s ridiculous and brings up a point I never thought of. Since they’ve only been together for less than 1 year, how does Kail know that Javi doesn’t make porn? Let’s just end on that note. Actually one last thing. If he does make porn and Janet is not in it, this blog is being taken down and sold for scrap parts.
Leah – Ugh. So all of Leah’s scenes are really centered around doctor appointments. How in the heck can I make fun of this? I’ll have to get creative I guess. Jeremy is busy laying pipe somewhere and can’t make the doctors appointment. Luckily Corey could take some time off from building dams and go to support his daughter. That’s nice. My favorite part, however, is when Leah goes to her mom’s house for a visit. Did anyone ever notice that the furniture in Leah’s mom’s house looks like it belongs in the Oval Office? Very high society. It’s like, is that genuine wooden legs and actual fabric? Ohh la la. 4 more years! 4 more years! 4 more years! Where was I? Alilaquisitakahstah is trying to walk for the first time and, well, let’s just say that Lee isn’t being that supportive. After she takes two steps and falls he keeps yelling, “she quit.” Yeah I’m sure that doesn’t mess with her or anything. Suddenly Dawn starts chiming in and saying, “No she’s just lazy.” Um, are you two talking about the baby or each other because, well, these insults basically apply to anyone in the room right now…including me. Finally after a little more practice she’s able to take a few steps and really walk. That’ s great! She even calls “daddy” to tell him the news. He sounds like he’s taking a dump and the kid speaks more clearly than him so I have no idea how the conversation is actually going. All I know is that I thought I heard someone yelling “timber!” in the background. #BeaverJokes #CleanOnes
They all need to travel 4 hours to Ohio to see the specialist. Both Leah and Corey admit that they have no idea what this doctor actually does. Way to Google sh*t, jerks! And…in walks the doctor. Now I’m not going to say that sub-titles are needed but if they’re good enough for Corey they’re good enough for Pat Morita. He’s talking in detail about some muscle biopsy they may have to do and Leah and Corey both look like someone is yelling algebra problems into their ears. Actual steam is coming out of Corey’s ears…and Leah’s privates. Allegedly. Actually, made up for sport. Truth be told, I’m pretty sure this doctor is simply trying to get Ali to star in the next Karate Kid installment and, well, I think she should do it. If she can wave she can chop. That should be life’s motto for all of us. I have no idea.
In the end (because this episode was heavily medical) Leah gets all sad because she’s finally going to eventually find out what is wrong with Ali and she isn’t sure she wants to know. She calls up Dawn and while the twins scream bloody murder at each other Leah just cries on the phone and after 2 minutes Dawn is just like, “Well call me if you need me…bye y’all!” More importantly can you believe next week is the season finale! Wait, did I sound too excited when I said that!?
Chelsea – Is less orange today.
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What to do? It was a tough call to recap Teen Mom and make such ridiculous jokes so shortly after the terrible tragedy in Boston. My thoughts and prayers (yes, I pray) go out to everyone in Boston that was impacted by all of this. If you read here regularly you know two things. (1) I’m craptastic and (2) I’m from Boston. I may have lived in NYC for the past 6-years, but I’m born and raised in Boston and spent 12 decades there. Yes, I’m that old. I love Boston. And I love the people. I don’t hide my accent (not that I could) or where I’m from. Regardless of your thoughts on the area, it’s a great place. The people that day simply wanted to run. And they wanted to support each other. That is all. No one deserves this. And this act is so cowardly. However, I won’t close my heart in response to someone else who has closed theirs. So we shall move forward. And, yes, that means as basic as sharing a laugh or two with each other on bad reality television. Not because we forgot or don’t care what happened, but because we refuse, we refuse, to be afraid and let this shake us. We refuse it. Let’s go…
Did you know that every time you follow me Facebook a teenage mother gets her wings? It’s true. Also, same thing goes for when you click on the Facebook Recommend button. Do it!
Leah – Hey y’all I wanna introduce you to my daddy! His name is Gary but we just call him daddy, y’all! Daddy Gary is everything we could have dreamed up and more. He’s wearing what I can only assume is the clothes of young white boys who forget they’re white. Also, I didn’t know anyone technically sold jogging pants anymore so, well, there’s that. Daddy Gary seems like the type of guy who gets a little too comfortable a little too soon. We learn that he hasn’t been a part of Leah’s life since she was 13 (so, uh, for like 2 years?) but he’s in awe that his “baby” is making breakfast for her “two babies.” Eck, gross. It’s like stop saying “babies!” One more time and he’ll have to introduce himself, by law, to all the neighbors. My personal favorite was when he was like, “Hey y’alls wants me to helps cookin’ breakfasts?” It’s like get one word right, win a prize. Clearly they don’t teach annunciation at the carnival. #Clown
To my mistake this wedding will NOT take place in West Virginia. I. Am. Crushed. It’s going to be an eight hour drive to Myrtle Beach. 8 hour drive? Do airports not exist there yet? One day, I suppose. Leah was chatting it up with Jeremy over the phone about how sad they were that she basically couldn’t give him road head for the full eight hours, but then stopped herself and said, “It’s probably good we spend time apart, you know, before we’re stuck…” and then she just awkwardly stopped talking. Perhaps she ran out of words she knew? I think this makes the most sense. Plus, isn’t a wedding tradition for Leah to bang some random dude a day before her wedding? I think if you rewind the tapes from that one season you’ll see I’m right. I think traditions and rituals are sweet.
Later, Mama Dawn (the original Mama June) comes over to collect the kids for their big trip to “the wedding state, y’all!” But first, Leah tricks the girls into pretending they care to see her in her actual wedding dress. I think it’s sweet that the twins have made it to all of Mommy’s weddings! They must really like her. Also, I think it’s beautiful how Dawn’s rack was falling out of her shirt in these scenes. It was a good reminder to Leah who had “the twins” first. See what I did there? Yeah, me too. And you’re welcome. More dumb crap happened like Leah pretending this wedding is going to be way better than the wedding with Corey (who is a no show all episode) but who cares about that because it’s time for the wedding…!
Alright y’all it’s time for the wedding! If you thought it was embarrassing that time Ruthie Camden danced “sexy” to Spirit in the Sky on 7th Heaven, you’ll basically want to turn in your American citizenship papers at your local Kia dealer. For those of you reading this from outside the Uniqua States of the American, what’s it like to not be hated? Moving on. It’s raining on Leah’s wedding day, which I believe is actually the original teen mom, Mary, crying from the Heavens. She’s all, “We did the whole cross thing for this?” I know. I feel your pain. I’m sure rain on Leah’s wedding day is good luck and the images of her future trailer rolling down the street into the local city dump won’t actually come to life after all. Although, if it does I truly hope Heathcliff and Riff-Raff are there. As I’m sure do you. As do you.
Leah is in some form of a limo that might also be a spaceship that may or may not beam her directly out of East West Virginia (the southern tip). It looks like the kind of limo that Donna Martin took to prom that time she had a sip of champagne and then was thrown out of school, was sentenced to death, and almost didn’t graduate. It was basically like the set of Xuxa on wheels and I may or may not have began seizing immediately. I woke up with my tongue stuck in my closed laptop and dozens of stars and birds floating around my head. I was almost a muppet and, well, it was a half-dream come true. Leah’s braces are really making her wedding dress pop. I’m not sure if it’s a full wedding dress or one of those prom skirts that 5-7-9 or Merry-Go-Round used to sell yesteryear. Either way, the dresses shouted “Like a Virgin” but her southern regions shouted the opposite. Well it wasn’t so much opposite as it was rattling off old sayings like “Loose lips sink ships.” Suddenly it all makes sense. Ironically, it also makes cents. Allegedly. Leah’s dad Lee and daddy Gary are there to take the ride with her to the pond themed wedding. I hope Dig ‘Em is there. I’m pretty sure Jimmy Buffett and the rest of the Parrot-Heads are either driving the limo-of-death or attending the “wedding.” Speaking of which, this whole “wedding” recap should be in air-quotes…but you knew that.
Everyone is having the time of their lives walking into the wedding doing these odd Ashlee-Simpson-SNL-Hoe-Down jigs whilst sporting bright colored umbrellas and Leah yelling things from the limo like, “Work it! No really, work it!” I mean, shouting anything to do with “work” towards people who live in West Virginian pretty much falls on deaf ears. Eh, we should just be grateful that the cast of Obesity is getting some exercise. Even Dawn is getting in on all the fun by dancing down the aisle, throwing flowers (probably fake) and holding one of the future teen moms. Everyone is dressed to the nines…except Jeremy who decided to just go with a white short-sleeve shirt and some dark pants. I think that completely makes sense. Why wear a tie when the next time you’ll ever wear one you’ll be buried? Very cost effective. This is clearly the couple who will honeymoon in Disney World and stay 15 miles outside of the park and have to take a bus to the Monorail. Yeah, I’m judging you if that’s you. I personally would honeymoon in Busch Gardens, but I’m sure by the time I actually get married ceremonies and honeymoons will take place on a giant dust mound on Neptune. Also, enter your Uranus joke here _____.
Personally, I thought it was nice that both Uncle Kracker and Ted Nugent walked her down the aisle. It’s a fun last minute game of “Who’s My Daddy?” to play for those of us at home. The fact that Daddy Gary is wearing a cowboy hat is moot. It’s also mute and moo all at the same time…depending on which part of the country you’re from. I think the fact that he’s been missing in his daughter’s life and looks like he wreaks of lack of ambition and hopelessness already lets us know that he’s from one of “those states.” It’s like a hooker wearing a flashing arrow pointing to her Gentlemen Greeter. Completely unnecessary and borderline rude. In the end, Leah and Jeremy awkwardly exchange vows and I couldn’t tell if it was just the rain or if Leah was really rolling her eyes throughout half of it. All I know is that everyone was soaking wet, probably smelled like Lindsay Lohan’s spray-tanned wrists, and had swamp ass. At one point they started pouring sand from the beach into a heart shaped “plastic” container and the little feisty twin started demanding it was her turn to do it. Everyone danced out of the swamp and then we only got a 10 second glimpse at the reception that I’m pretty sure was held in the back room of a Quizzno’s. I think Wedding #1 > Wedding #2. I wonder what Wedding #3 will bring?
Jenelle – Finally! We get to see what the “after” in a Meth Before & After photo album looks like. Enter Jenelle. She stops by Barb’s most likely because the camera crew was leading her there. It’s nice that they help her out like that. Sadly we learn that her roommate Allison moved out. I’m not sure which one this was, but I’m guessing it was the one who was almost the voice of reason. Jenelle legit looks like she’s currently on a bender. She just keeps saying to Barb, “So Allison moved out quickly. Quickly and fast.” Yeah, that’s same/same. Moreover I’m almost certain that Big J shaved off her eyebrows and drew them back in with a licorice scented magic marker. They’re almost at a point like a traditional witch’s hat. The good news is that Kieffah is going to move in and pay half the rent! Eh, he’ll at least be moving in and then will most likely steal money out of Jenelle’s fanny-pack and give it back to her on the 1st of each month. Barb, per usual, is skeptical that Kieffah isn’t going to brain-rape her followed by financially assaulting her. I wonder what time his New Jersey bus will be picking him up? Jenelle also lets Barb know that she dropped out of “college” because she got boob surgery. I wonder if Barb actually already read that on Twitter because she seemed less than shocked. Either way, Barb is too busy planning a splendid 3rd birthday for Jace. Evidently it’s tomorrow and she gave Jenelle about 3 minutes notice. Big J is pissed that she didn’t have time to invite more people…or grow in her actual eyebrows for such an occasion. Maybe if things go well Jace can play “Pin the Child Support on My Actual Daddy.” He will, of course, not be blindfolded. He’ll just simply have to identify who his father is. I’m sure if Barb stopped Nairing her upper lip, Jace would assume she was his father. And you know what? S/he just may be. Oh, P.S., the paaaaahty is at one of those gyms that has a ball pit so cue up the “Barb is chin deep in balls” jokes…it’s almost time! I seriously can’t wait.
Oh it’s time. Happy 3rd birthday Jace! I actually felt really bad because no one really showed up. Insert awkward sad winky face here. Luckily Jenelle is there sporting Daisy Dukes that girls stopped wearing back in 2003 and a t-shirt that she rolled up into a half shirt. Pretty. Wholesome. Motherly. The fun really begins when they all jump on the giant trampoline and into a giant foam pit. They tossed Jace in, probably in hopes that hed sink to the bottom like that pesky Baby Jessica in the well. I, of course, squealed with delight and started chanting U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! when Barb took about 10 bounces and the tossed her own ass into the foam pit. Pirate Mike looked pretty turned on. Had he not had his hook and parrot I’m sure he could have played too. I’m not sure if Barb so much couldn’t get out of the pit as much as she didn’t want to get out of the pit. I mean, her life is the pits so it’s fitting. I jest. No one deserved to have more fun at that party than Barbara Evan III. They then found some random kid playing by himself so they invited him to the party and now there were a total of 2 people there. Seriously it was sad. It was as almost as sad as that giant spider cupcake cake that Barb totally stole from Walmart. And did anyone notice that all of Jace’s presents were some form of weapons? I don’t blame him for wanting to figure out a way to bust out of that family. I kinda wish Barb had the party at the deli inside Walmart. At least more people would have shown up. Plus who doesn’t like some nice rolled up turkey and ham appetizers. #PoorPeopleParty
I’m not quite sure what this show is even about anymore. Whilst sitting outside of a ball pit, Barb turns into Suze Orman (minus the dickie) and starts chatting with Jenelle about financial advice. It looks like Jenelle is $600 in the hole and can’t pay her rent but the good news is that she also doesn’t have any money to buy weed. Silver linings. Now I know I may not fully understand how “paying for things” may work, but are you trying to tell me that Jenelle can’t pay her rent with her new store-bought boobs? BecauseI’mprettysureyoucan. In fact I just looked it up and it clearly states in my 1987 World Book Encyclopedia that “housing may be paid for in exchange for boobs.” It was under both “H” for housing and “B” for Boobs. I tell ya, World Book Encyclopedia really knows their stuff!
The “next day” Barb and Pirate Mike head over to Jenelle’s to talk more about “da money” and how to plan for her future…time in jail. It seems as though Special K is finally able to contribute to society because he’s selling “tobacco” pipes to sex spam bots who follow his Myspace account. In fact, he even carves them himself. Who says you need a college education when you know how to chip away at wood? Barb really wants to plan Jenelle’s money and even took the time to write this little song and play it on Keiffah’s tobacco guitar. Now that’s a sentence that’s never been said before! Per usual, the conversation turns into an argument about wanting to see Jace and spend more time with him. Jenelle can’t always spend time with him because she doesn’t have money for boobs gas so she can’t drive to him. After Pirate Mike volunteers to drive him to Big J’s on Saturday they all fight about different days of the week until Jenelle goes into her bedroom and slams her door…like an adult. I wonder if Kieffah can carve her some brains?
Kail – Seriously I can’t care any less about Kail’s scenes than I already do. But here goes it (Readers Digest version). After demanding it for weeks, Kail is finally getting the custom engagement that she ordered from Javi. He’s setting up some type of bar-crawl-scavenger-hunt for her at the restaurant in the town she grew up in. That’s nice considering she had horrible memories of her childhood. Why didn’t he just wrap things up with Kail having to point on the doll where her mommy’s boyfriend touched her? While Kail is getting her “clue” from the host of the restaurant, Javi and Issac are dressed like Vanilla Ice’s and waiting down by the creek with some half-dead flowers in their sweaty hands. Suddenly Kail shows up wearing shorts and a t-shirt and Javi starts spewing out junk about how he didn’t know her as a child but now that he’s there he’ll know her in the present and burp. I think he asked her to marry him and I’m not sure if she said yes. She kinda just looked around and said she was shocked. Really, Pinocchio? Because ya kinda told him in every episode this season to do exactly this. To be honest, she actually looked like she couldn’t give two sh*ts about the whole thing.
After the lackluster engagement, they went back to the “restaurant” and sat in a booth (gross) and talked a lot about going to the court house to get married. What’s the thing with all these teen moms talking about the courthouse first and then a “big wedding ceremony later.” You know you can actually do it the other way around? Kail’s friend is kinda calling shenanigans on this wedding but both Kail and I couldn’t care less. Get married and get married quick and just get to the part where you tell Jo about this and Janet busts through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid Kid and yells “Oh yeah!” Oh, that’s next week…
Chelsea – Randy’s girlfriend is named Rita. Pretty.
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