Jersey Shore Recap: Let Go, Let God…Let This Series End

I used to really look forward to the night when Jersey Shore was on.  Now I give it the classic side-eye like I do when I see “the kids” still trying to pull off the “hipster” look in the poor parts of NYC.  Yawn.  Either way, I watched it so I’ll write a little ditty about it…just without the rhymes.  But how awesome would that be if I rhymed this whole thing?  Everyone is still so scriptedly sad that Vinny and his wonktastic eye is still living in Staten Island, as are the people in Staten Island, and even Grandpa Sitch pulled “the dip” and hasn’t been back since (about 2 hours).  The Danny Tanner of the T-Shirt Store comes by Pedophile Manor (because the producers called him and made him) to scare the roommates into thinking that he’s going to hire some new T-shirt sellers if they can’t get their sh*t together.  Everyone looks scared but mainly because Danny Tanner is the whitest thing in their house, with the exception of that one stray white hair that you totally know has sprouted by VaDeena’s inseam.  At no point does Danny Tanner say that they’re going to get a new roommate, but for the remainder of the crapisode they all keep crying and pouting that they don’t want another roommate because they’ll never know what the rest of them went through for the past 5 houses.  Really?  You mean prospective roommates are sans eyes?  Because I’m pretty sure you can watch these episodes to figure it all out.  I mean, even if they hadn’t seen it they can sum up 5 seasons by one overarching theme:  Y’all Got Herp.

Meanwhile, the girls are planning a surprise party at Karma (puke) for both Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Sitch.  They’re in the process of meeting with the guy who gets the strippers, which I’m pretty sure is called a pimp.  This guy is great.  He’s on camera and asking them what kind of things they want the strippers to do to the guys.  If JWoww ShamWow wasn’t talking this guy down a bit he was about one suggestion away from suggesting an abortion being performed on Grandpa Sitch’s bare chest.  I can’t wait to see what these “walking itches” look like.  P.S., how “over all this” is JWoww?  She can give almost as much of a sh*t as I give about this.  The only difference is that she’s getting paid for this and I’m doing this as community service.  Oh, and she’s orange and I’m as white as VaDeen’s one stray hair.  You know the one (insert sidewards winky face).

Even after a call to Debbie Downer’s Vinny’s house, he’s still not ready to come back to Pedo Manor quite yet and won’t be making it to the surprise party.  I don’t care.  Everyone gets to Karma and then “surprise!” people shoot silly string and feces at the guys because it’s their birthday.  I have to be honest, Grandpa Sitch looked relieved that he would be able to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of the night.  And now: Enter the Strippers.  They are wheeled out in what is supposed to be birthday cakes, but it basically looks like VaDeena’s granny panties wrapped around a steel contraption (like my heart).  The strippers bust out of the “cakes” and the guys are squealing with delight.  It’s a shame that Valtrex didn’t shoot out of the cakes as well…or at least out of the strippers “gentlemen greeters,” you know, for good measure.   Grandpa Sitch seems to be taking a liking to his stripper, who pretty much looks like Natalie Green with a Blair Warner fright-wig on.  The party goes off without a hitch (whatever the hell that expression is supposed to mean) and Sitch ends up bringing home his stripper who has a faux-meltdown because she wants new socks to put on.  Uh, does she have a new vaginastein to put on because I’m pretty sure the current one is rotten, moldy, and smells like the back of Ronnie’s neck.  Alas, they apparently just “cuddle” and in the morning he calls her a cab…and makes her wait outside for it.  At least she’ll have some company because Pauly D’s busted chick is out there too.  It should be really fun for the neighbors, however, because now they can play “Who’s the Stripper and Who’s the Skank.”  This game usually ends in a tie because technically they’re both skanks.

The only part of this episode that was actually kinda funny was when Snooki and VaDeena bought those bunny outfits, humped each other, and then put the costume on later in order to scare the weave off of JWoww.  When I heard the laughter coming out of my mouth I immediately rolled my eyes at myself and shouted, “You’re a loser, IBBB.”  Moving on.  The “next night” a bunch of the crew goes out for a couples night out.  This forces VaDeena to flip through the Yellow Pages until she lands on someone who will be her date for the night.  All of this was a complete snooze except for the 10 seconds at “da club” when the bouncers are pulling Sammi SweatStains off of some other girl and they’re kicking and screaming on the floor.  You can’t see who is who, but in the end they toss Sammi out of “da club” with her extensions scattered to and fro.  I was let down that we didn’t see how this fight started, who else was involved, or any other specifics.  Ugh, if only there was a camera crew hired to capture these moments.  Oh, wait.  Fail.

In the end, everyone misses Vinny and his glowing personality so much that they make up t-shirts with the unfunny sayings that Vinny never says, gas up the trucks, and head on out to a horrific place called Staten Island so they can throw a net over his head and bring him back to the Jersey Shore to ride out the rest of their summer…and his legally binding contract.  They pound on his door until someone (the camera man on the other side of it) opens the door and they immediately run up stairs (passing the messy patchwork on the walls) to his bedroom.  Surprise!  You knew they were coming!  My favorite part was seeing Vinny’s mom at the end of the hallway looking frightened and like she just got banged in a rusted out dumpster (or Vinny’s bed…wink, wink, elbow nudge, wink, wink).  Before Vinny can come back to Pedo Manor he needs to show them the new tattoo he got…directly across his chest…that says…wait for it…wait for it…”Let Go, Let God.”  That’s nice. You totally know God was all, “Yeah, no I’m good.  Thanks though.”  Apparently he’ll only be banging nuns now.  Eh, good for him.  Hopefully this helps him not be crazy.  He ends up packing up his laundry bag and heads back in the van and driving off into the sunset.  Not for nothing, but if Vinny suffers from depression, perhaps he should have lived in a home that had windows in it.

Wanna pretend fist-pumping is still funny?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s talk about it. Or not.

Teen Mom 2 Recap: I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!

Jenelle – Things are going really well for Jenelle ever since she moved out of Barb(ie)’s Dream House.  I, of course, am joking.  Her life is in absolute ruins.  Since she no longer lives with her loving, soothing, calming mother, Barb decides that she wants Jenelle to start paying child support.  Me gusta how they’re like a divorced couple with a baby.  All I know is that the MTV checks must have cleared in the trash dumps bank accounts because everyone seems to have some new clothes!  It must have been the best shopping spree at both DOTS and Fashion Bug.  Barb is dolled up wearing a deep brown v-neck sweater with new turtleneck underneath and a very feminine brown baseball cap on top of her sexy fire-bush-red hair or “pelo” for my Spanish speaking readers.  She basically looks like she’s about a pair of chunky shoes away from a little muff-diving experiment if ya know what I mean and I think ya do because I’m an idiot.  But Barb isn’t the only one who has gone all Spring Fashion 2012 on our asses.  Our beloved Queen LaQueefer has temporarily turned in his moldy green hoodie for a new prison-striped hoodie.  I give them credit on even knowing where to look for the latest fashion inspiration considering Avril Lavigne hasn’t put out a video in a spell.

After their big Social Services hearing, we learn that Jenelle has to pay Barb $30.00/week in child support.  That should be easy for Barb to remember since it actually equals 5lbs of honey baked ham sliced thin at the Walmart deli counter.  Jenelle seems like she couldn’t really care less about having to pay Barb, but that’s mainly because she and Special K have been fighting again on the regular.  Barb tries to provide Jenelle some helpful words of wisdom like, “Have a lil maw self respect faw yawself, Jenelle.”  Jenelle takes in all the advice by screaming at Barb to “shut the F up” and the like.  Poor Barb.  I always feel so bad for her.  You see, she has this lil b*tch of a daughtah (that’s you) and Barb can barely party her own ass off anymore because she has to take care of Jace.  I love how MTV always shows quick little clips of Barb taking care of Jace like she is actually one of the Teen Moms.

Things take a turn for the worse for our heroine during her ride with Special K.  You see, he’s very busy texting on his phone but with whom we do not know.  In fact, Jenelle doesn’t know either and whilst driving she basically tries to wrestle the phone away from him.  Apparently Jenelle could tell that the number that he’s texting has a 508 area code which immediately made me squeal with delight.  Everyone knows (probably not) that a 508 area code resides in the sunny state of Massachusetts.  And, hmmmm, I wonder who on this show has a Boston-like accent?  BARB!  You totally know Barb has a secret cell phone with a 508 area code and she’s sexting Keiffah pictures of her boobs…and more!  She probably arranges for Kieffah to come over dressed as a pirate (for Mike) and then the three of them get naked and roll around on piles and piles of deli meat scattered to and from.  No?  Just my theory?  Fine.   Either way, Special K tries to convince Jenelle that he’s just texting “some dude who messaged him on Facebook.”  Yeah, nice save.  This enrages Jenelle, who always seems to get equally mad when people ask her basic questions, and just as Kieffah is about to “tuck and roll” out of the car she steps on the gas and we finally experience the “Thelma and Louise” moment that this series has clearly been missing for 2 seasons.  Jenelle is just screaming “I’m so maaaaaaaad!” while she is going about a good buck-20 down the freeway.  I find myself with both arms up in the air in a victory stance and constantly chanting, “Keep driving Thelma!”  Sadly they don’t go off a cliff and Kieffah gets out and walks alone to his grassy knoll for what I can only assume will be beauty-sleep related.

Once Jenelle is back at Tori’s House-o-Horror we learn that Special K was actually texting his ex-girlfriend (cough cough Barb cough cough).  He shows her the evidence which is texts where he’s telling his ex that he doesn’t want to hear from her anymore.  Per usual Jenelle doesn’t go to extremes and instead asks Kieffah if he’s going to marry his ex and have children with her. Yup, that’s normal.  I’m sure they’ll spend their honeymoon at “Sweepstakes.”  As the fighting ensues, Tori is pulling a “Sneaky Pete” and hiding around the corner watching and listening to their argument.  Jenelle ends up storming out of the room and slamming the bathroom door a good 5-10 times, punching it, and screaming.   Totally diddled as a youth.  What seems like moments  later, Jenelle starts being a big b*tch to Tori and Tori isn’t having it at all and wants Jenelle to move the hell to the out.  I like how during this part of the fight Jenelle is playing the role of Barb and Tori is playing the role of Jenelle.  Hello, pot?  Meet the kettle.  You’re both rust buckets.  At least that’s how I think the old saying goes.  Either way Jenelle is letting Tori know that most of the stuff in the apartment is hers and that she’s taking both the couches, to which Tori screams (from another room), “I’ve got couches!!”  Meth is a tricky b*tch, isn’t she?

In the end, Jenelle busts into Tori’s room that, once again, looks like the traditional set of Hoarders and wants to collect her clothes back from Tori.  Uh, yeah, because at the end of the day Jenelle wears anything more than one blue A&F hoodie.  Suddenly, Tori loses her sh*t, demands Jenelle get out of the house immediately, and then just starts beating Jenelle with drumsticks.  Why she’s walking around with drumsticks is beyond me.  The girls start rolling around in piles of clothes, dirt, and regret all whilst pulling their hair and saying things like, “You’re being an idiot right now.”  Meanwhile, Tori’s boyfriend lunges at Special K and those two go at it for a bit.  Overall the entire length of the fight took about 11 seconds.   Jenelle ends it by screaming for everyone to leave her alone all whilst pulling at her own hair like a bad 80’s music video starring Pat Benatar.  Such angst.  Such trash.  Such 11 seconds of priceless entertainment.

Leah – Hey y’all we is movin’!  It’s time for another episode of “Meet the Bumpkins.”  I can’t even begin to believe that all of Corey and Leah’s scenes consisted of fighting over buying a trailer or a truck.  I mean they call it “a house” but we all know the truth.  When you’re trying to figure out if you should spend $9,000 on your “house” or replace your truck you might as well be living in a cave with the cast of The Goonies.  Apparently there is some land for sale (y’all) and Leah and Corey are going to check it out to see if they’ll be able to put their mobile home on it.  I believe it’s on a mudslide and is surrounded with West Virginian crack dens.  The best part is that Leah tries to act all concerned and smart and actually asks Corey’s friend about the neighborhood and says (gulp), “Is the schools goods here’s?”  Oh yeah, they is good.  I hear if you make it past the first grade you automatically become a geneticist.

Leah and her hair that is whiter than an albino’s crotch is settling with the fact that she’s going to be a “coal miners wife” but Corey ends up deciding that he no longer wants a “new house” but needs to replace his 4-month old truck instead.  He should replace is 4-month old wife as well because she’s friggin’ bricks.  What I want to know is that if their “dream home” is $9,000 what in the holy hell do they live in now?  I’m convinced it’s a cardboard box with wood paneling.  Unfortunately, Leah no longer wants to live there because when she has to, and I quote, “bath-ing the babies” it’s really gross down in the basement…where the shower is…because that’s where it is in all houses?

Leah and her sissy take the babies down in the basement to give them some bath-ing and there is a huge spider in the tub that Leah steps on with her boat-shoes and then tries to rinse the blood and guts away.  Her sister had the same boat shoes on and, well, that’s just dumb.  As if this bath-ing experience (y’all) couldn’t get any worse, apparently there is no shower-head so Leah needs to reach all the way up to the ceiling to turn on the water nozzle.  Yes, folks, you saw that correctly.  The same way you wash your car in the driveway is the same way that Leah give her kids a bath.  Squeaky clean!  Here’s my question.  Uh, is this where Corey and Leah shower too?  No wonder why her hair is so damn white.  By the time she can reach the nozzle her hair dye has gone from blond to “burn your scalp, y’all, white.”  P.S., it must be really fun for the kids to take a bath when their mom is screaming at them to not touch anything.  Sorry, but forget the geneticist because I’m pretty sure I solved this mystery!

In the end, Corey and Leah continue to fight about trucks and trailers, as I assume you do in the south, and Leah’s parents (sister and brother moles) decide they’ll help her find a trailer that she can have all to herself.  Corey, clearly, still has his mind on getting a truck as when he rolls up in the dirt-driveway we see that he made his own “For Sale” sign for his front window.  I was shocked he spelled almost the whole thing correctly.  I loved how Leah tells Corey how hard it is to be bath-ing the babies in the basement because when it rains it floods and “mildews.”  I hate with things just “mildews.”  That hair dye has made it’s way all the way to the brain y’all!  Time for another brain MReyyyyye!

Kail – Dear Jesus, please just make this all stop.  The chinless Cowardly Lion received a copy of the letter that Jo sent to Social Services so he can appeal his child support payments. Yes it was written and read like a letter to Santa.  At one point he not only says he thinks he has to pay too much, but also mentions that Kail should get a better job and not just stay where her boyfriend works.  If Judge Judy ever got a hold of that appeal letter she would rip Jo such a new asshole that we’d actually find Janet’s backup weave in there.  Allegedly.  I think I’m supposed to say that so I don’t get sued or, worse yet, forced to shave off Janet’s mustache in a court of law.  More importantly, whilst Kail is reading this letter to Issac/Isaac (who is in his very own room-prison) I noticed that she seems to have gimp bracelets braided into her hair.  Now I know that some of “the kids” have feather extensions, but I’m pretty sure Kail’s was gimp.  Also, I miss Suzi.  I’m glum without her shaking and twitching.

Kail ends up having to get  lawyer because Jo says he “may” get one and she should be prepared.  Her lawyer, of course, did not disappoint as most reality-tv lawyers don’t.  I believe her name was Catherine, but she went by Kate (?) which was extremely fitting since she literally had Kate Gosselin’s original spiked hairdo with matted down side bangs.  She was, in not so many words, a treat.  She pretty much just read the appeal letter from Jo to Kail and told her that she’ll appear in court with her if she pays her a $350 retainer fee.  If I were Kail I would have said, “In addition to the retainer, throw in a chin implant and you got yourself a deal!”  Kail chats it up with Jordan about all this Star Jones lawyer business and rolls her eyes when she figures out she’ll have to shell out some money for court since it’s “in the best interest for Issac/Isaac.”  Maybe The Sports Authority can promote her to the golf department, which I hear pays a little better.  I’m kidding. It’s all equally horrible.

Chelsea – Got dumped.

Join me on my own Facebook page because all “the kids” are doing it these days.  And don’t forget to lick on the “Facebook Recommend” button so that you share this crap with your own friends.  Or just click “Recommend” if you like Barb’s brown hat.  Whichever.

More Teen Mom Fun:
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I Wonder What They Did With Russell’s Filet?

Well folks, the time has come.  We’re ready to give our little Pandorita away to her finance who may or may not  have spoken actual words this season.  That’s right, the entire episode is basically wedding related.  Well, to be truthful it wasn’t all a snooze.  I mean, the first 10 minutes consisted of Paul becoming a woman by getting a tube shoved up is bum-bum for a little colonoscopy or “pay back time” as I’m sure the tinsel in Adrienne’s hair likes to call it.  It was really fitting because I think we, as “The American’s” feel the same pain and squirming feeling when we have to watch Lisa and Ken pretend they remember that they really do, in fact, have a son.  As a sidenote, Max is clearly Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story.  Moving right along.  Back to Paul’s asshole.  For reasons that I can’t seem to understand, Paul is having this procedure done on television because, well, he really is the Katie Couric of our generation.  My favorite part, of course, was when Paul beckoned Adrienne into the bathroom to see if she could help give him an enema.  Why he’s not getting his jacked up thumb looked at whilst he’s at the hospital is beyond me.  #AlwaysGrossesMeOut.

It’s 110 degrees in Beaverly La(t)kes on the day of darling Pandorvakia’s wedding and Kevin Lee’s hair and face is about to melt off.  I hope this horrible heat doesn’t frizz out Ken’s hair and he can be the best Don Imus he can be for the remainder of the day.  Everything else is running as smoothly as possible.  Lisa is having a heart attack because she found a centimeter of tennis court that hasn’t been covered in pink.  Perhaps if Kim was there she could have her 3-month-late period in all the spots that aren’t pink.  Alas, Kim is nowhere to be found but I think it’s safe to assume that she’s still trapped in the bathroom from last weeks episode and, no, I didn’t recap it so go f*ck yourself.  Cheese!  I jest, as I am a court jester.

I thought everything during the wedding looked really nice.  I hear that $1 million was spent on this event and diamonds and real flowers (pink, of course) were sewn directly into Pandoratzee’s wedding gown and, quite possibly, her vagiola.  Sadly not a dime was spent on fixing her Quizzno’s teeth.  Lisa is dressed up like a real-life “I Dream of a Bedazzled Jeanie.”  She’s sporting a crown that costs more than your dumbest child’s college education/trade school dropout bills.  Once Lisa goes back into her genie bottle we should look around to see if we can find out where the hell Brandi is and, more importantly, where we can find Dana.  Maybe she’s busy making breadsticks for her next high-society party that takes place in empty rooms without furniture.  One may never know.  Taylor wasn’t there either and Russell is dead so he couldn’t make it.  I hope Jiggy got his filet.

After the Olsen Triplets apply a face full of makeup to all of Pandora the Explorer’s friends it’s time to walk down the aisle and then get to my favorite part of any Housewives episode.  The dancing.  Me gusta when “the rich” and “the olds” dance their faces off…literally.  Paul and Adrienne are definitely my favorite as Adrienne just performs tinsel-inspired spins all whilst throwing her arms up in the arm like your drunken great-aunt does at nearly every wedding and 1st Holy Communion party at the local VFW.  You know the one.  Paul straightened his bangs for the wedding so I really feel like it threw him off this game a little.  Luckily he did what every white man does when he’s dancing while wearing suspenders.  He pulls on the them all whilst biting his lip.  Seriously, why isn’t there surgeries for people with thumbs like that?  Sorry, I got off topic.  The dance scene was like a non-stop Where’s Waldo sequence.  Luckily I spotted LaToya Jackson dancing within seconds.  I can’t even begin to understand the who, what, when, where, and why of that friendship but like Camille’s face full of whore-red makeup in her one-on-one interviews, I’ve given up trying to figure it out.

In the end, that horrific band sings that horrific song while Pandy Pants and her dad slow-grind on the dance floor.  They should have just played a recording of Paul farting in the hospital on a loop.  All the wedding guests said goodbye to the newlyweds by lighting the same sparklers that they always show on the news duct-taped to mannequins hands right before they blow their heads off just days before the 4th of July as a safety-tips segment.  So, yeah, the same ones.  Sadly, no one’s head, arms, hands, or faces were on fire and the wedding went off without a hitch.  Everyone got together “the next day” at Kyle’s so they could wrap up the season and pretend that Russell wasn’t eating vegetableless pizza in hell, Kim wasn’t putting the fire out in her meth lab,  Brandi didn’t hate her kids,  Dana wasn’t pointless, Kyle didn’t have man-hands (or “toe fingers” as my sister likes to call them), Adrienne’s face wasn’t getting puffier by the episode,  Camille wasn’t about to get the boot from the series, Lisa wasn’t the color of blush, and Taylor wasn’t a grifter.

All in all I’d say this was a good season.  We had beatings, suicide, divorce, and drug problems.  The only thing that could have made it better was if Brandi got knocked up and Paul performed the abortion and then bought her new boobs as a push-present.  See ya.

Jersey Shore Recap: The Many Phases of Pauly D’s Hair (Wet Curls FTW)

Get Social:

Dear God.  What in the hell happened to Jersey Shore?  Remember when MTV decided to do 4 seasons of The Osbourne’s and towards the end even nuns would yawn at the all the swearing and illegal drugs use?  Well this is same/same…but with tans.  This was, literally, the longest hour of my life.  Just when I thought there was only 20 minutes left I realized I was only 11 minutes deep.  Nevertheless, let’s give this the old college try.  Eh, make that the old “community college try” and I won’t put much effort into this and crap out half way through.

In case you all forgot, Vinny died.  Yup, dead.  Dirt nap.  Staten Island dirt nap.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is left with having to tell all of his oddly orange and pleasantly plump friends that Vinny is now with Jesus.  I’m kidding.  With Satan.  Most of the cast could barely care as they’re dancing their fat asses off at Karma.  The one with the fattest ass, VaDeena, is taking the news of Vinny’s passing like someone just told her they forgot to add the extra provolone cheese to her chicken parm sub.  Clearly, tears were involved.  VaDeena does her best crying whilst in a dirty bathroom stall all while JWoww tries to calm her down and pull the dress back over VaDeena’s backside FUPA.  I’m not quite sure what that is but, well, it’s late and this sucks.   Just like Snooki after unprotected sex and a 6 pack of peach wine coolers.

I’m don’t fully understand why the camera crew is following Vinny all the way home because it’s dumb.  His mother, who again is most likely Joy Behar, just hugs him and keeps saying “good?  good.  good?  good.”  I thought she was supposed to say, “so what?  who cares?!”  Most importantly there is all wood paneling inside his family home and asbestos shingles on the outside.  Basically it’s a carbon copy of Pedophile Manor back in the Jersey Shore.  I have to admit that I’m glad that Vinny is safe at home and not dead like I originally thought.  I hope he gets a good night sleep and some mental rest.  Moreover (bonus points for using that term), I hope he uses his mom’s fluffy perm as a pillow and her drooping bosom as a blanket.  What?  You know you hope those things too.  You do hope those things too, right?  Riiiight?

Later all the normal crap happens where Snooki and VaDeena get dressed up like midget whores and decide to go day-drinking.  I’m sorry, I never promote eating disorders but after looking at these two trying to pour themselves into their mini-skirts I have to admit a couple of games of “Whoops I almost swallowed my toothbrush” certainly wouldn’t hurt their girlish figures.  Snooki gets so drunk that VaDeena needs to check with her to make sure she can still walk.  I think technically she should have asked her if she could still waddle, but why split weave hairs at this point.  I may have lapsed into a coma for a spell, but when I came to Team Meatball was having a dance-off with a bunch of tweens.  They were dancing like they were hookers-in-waiting and their pimp was waiting to collect.  Hit me again, Ike!  Seriously they were bending over, humping each other, humping the tweens, humping the ground, humping imaginary dancers.  To sum up, there was a lot of humping going on.  They finish their seizure-like dance-off by both falling on the ground with their vagiolas in the air and then going home.  You see, the people of Jersey can simply take no more.

The “girls” stay home long enough to literally rip the weave out of VaDeena’s head.  Due to all the humping, VaDeena’s weave is in knots, as is my stomach from watching good old sausage arms trying to dance “sexy.”  Luckily Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is there to help free VaDeena’s rotting-bed-bug-infested weave from her scalp.  For reasons unbeknownst to me, they place all the weave strands into a half-filled bathtub.  Clearly, this is the secret ingredient in a customary Douche Bag Stew.  Add bronzer for additional flavoring and then just let it simmer for about an hour.

Sidenote:  It was good to see The Unit again even it was just for a few seconds before he got into a fight at “da club” and got thrown out.  It was good to see him because it was enough time for me to finally realize that he 100% has Kramer’s hair.  I know I feel better now.

It must be everyone’s lucky night because everyone is bring home the garbage from the club.  Pauly D brings home some Bosnian chick who keeps talking about Grilled Cheese sandwiches for breakfast.  I’m not sure why I capitalized that but I’m leaving it.  Grandpa Sitch brought home that girl who looks like she was, and still is, being molested by her step-daddy, and even our little VaDeena found the twin of some guy she kissed last season.  She actually asks him what kind of guy he is and then she says, “I know I look like a nut case, but I’m a really nice girl.”  She should have said, “I know I look like your Italian Nonni in a housecoat, but I’m getting bank for this sh*t.”  Apparently the Bosnian chick doesn’t want to bang Pauly D and after she suggests they “talk” in his bedroom he immediately calls her a cab. He should have called INS.  After she leaves she comes back about 5 minutes later saying she doesn’t want to go home and, instead, would like to see Grandpa Sitch.  That’s nice.  And creepy.  I used to think so highly of Bosnia before this and now, well, now I’m not so sure.  I’m kidding.  I didn’t even know Bosnia was a real place.  I thought that was the place that Harry Potter learned his magic.  I’m kidding.  I’ve never read nor seen Harry Potter movies.  Clearly, I know Bosnia was the name of the girl from Destiny’s Child that got kicked out right before Beyonce decided to just keep the group at 3.  Duh.

The rest of this blogging death sentence consists of Pauly D’s and Grandpa Sitch’s birthday.  They’re both now legally able to take Centrum Silver.  Centrum Silver:  Because It’s Great to Be Silver!  Pauly D’s whole family surprises him at Pedophile Manor and his mom brings a birthday gift for him which is, of course, his barber.  Thank God because I was thinking Pauly D was starting to look like Kid from Kid-n-Play.  It is 100% insane how Pauly D looks like a completely different person when he’s wearing a black hair cape and has his hair wet, in curls, and held up by Snooki’s banana clips.  Now you know I think Pauly D is the best thing to happen to this show and, well, society, but he literally looks like a woman when his hair is wet.  At first I was like, “Aww that’s nice his mom is getting a perm right now, but when is it Pauly D’s turn?  Oh.”  Seconds later his hair is dry and matted down to his head and I am at a loss for words.  It would be just like if I ever saw VaDeena say “no thank you” when offered a second helping.  Awww.  What did VaDeena ever do to me!?

In the end, Grandpa Sitch throws a hissy-b*tch-fit because everyone is making a big deal out of his birthday and not Sitch’s.  Even the girls made a cake for Pauly D with white icing hair on it.  Sitch is so upset that he slams the deck door and sits outside by himself whilst he uses his alien-like fingers to daintily dab the tears away from his eyes, careful to not smudge is make-up.  I bet he would feel better if he could rest his head on Vinny’s mom’s fluffy perm and use her drooping bosom as a blanket.  Try it.

Join me on Facebook if you want to talk about perming your hair.  I have no idea, just join me.

Toddlers and Tiaras: The One Where Fivel Mouskewitz’s B*tch Mother Comes to Life

I’m really starting to learn the ropes to the ultimate sh*t show that is Toddlers and Tiaras. Personally I think it should be called “Jon Benet’s Angels.” Either way, there’s a lot going on in this episode and by “a lot” I of course mean, “there’s a Russian mother named Marina that I am now obsessed with.” Marina, as we know, is Russian and the mother of Mia. Mia is a little 4 year old girl that I’m almost certain played Chrissy in “Growing Pains” and just never aged. Marina, of course, is the poor-mans Meryl Streep. And, because she’s from Russia, she also defaults to the poor-mans woman.  If you think she looks familiar to you, you’d be correct.  She can be seen in almost any black-and-white Russian photo of a woman wearing a kerchief and waiting in a long bread-line on the snowy streets of Moscow.  Sorry fellas, she’s taken! Thanks to the invention of the Internet she scooped up a man who was strictly looking for Russian women over the Internet. It was love at first sidewards winky face. Marina starts things off really nice and sweet. Sure she has barely mastered the English language and butchers such words that end in “ly” or are fancy and, you know, “plural.” She’ll make everyone look at Mia’s dress because it is so “sparkle.” Is it? Is it really? Marina’s husband may have thought that buying your wife via Paypal is a ticket to all the hot Russian sex you can handle for 15 easy installments of $1999.99, boy did Marina pull the “gotcha-gotcha” on him. You see, in turn for all “da sex” he’s now been roped into a world of pageants. Even worse, little girl pageants.

Mia is a real pro at modeling like a little girl who’s just years away for trading her mouth for meth.  She learns easy because her mother is patient, loving, and kind with her.  I’m joking. Of course she is horrible.  Marina says she’s competitive because she’s Russian and, well, if I knew anything about the Cold War, the Iron Curtain, and/or if Russia was still a country (state?) I’m sure I’d have a snappy joke inserted in there somewhere. Alas, I am bricks and always thought Social Studies was for kids who couldn’t read well and poor people.  Looks like I was right?  Either way, Marina (or Mama Mia as she called herself and then laughed in the camera like she’s seen her husbands penile again for the first time) makes sure to whore out Mia where ever she can.  She likes to find places where the audience can’t leave.  Since prisoners typically like to rape, Marina has settled on a nursing home.  Because at the end of the day people sh*tting their pants whilst yelling out “Bingo!” every time someone announces “B-5″ is really all the accolades you need as little girl with teeth similar to the monsters from the Quizzno’s commercials.  At the nursing home, the audience stares with fear in the eyes and hope in their heart that Jesus is calling them for sweet release.  Mia dresses like a Russian doll and runs around like she’s having karate-chopping-seizures on the regular.  When she’s done smoking from her scalp, the crowd claps and that one old guys continues his crusade to “look down” for the rest of his life wondering exactly which decade his junk stopped working.  The answer to that is always “the 50’s.”  Marina makes sure to kill her words by saying things to the crowd like, “No boo?” and “I hope you enjoy?”

It’s now time for pageant.  Apparently the theme is “Old Hollywood” so I’m assuming they’re talking about Lohan.  And there’s a grand prize of $10,000.  Sure that’s a decent amount of money, but these mothers from Texas are acting like if their daughter wins then they can sit home from work for the next 3 years and pay off their house.  I’m kidding.  Of course they don’t own homes.  There are a couple of other girls in this episode too.  I’m almost certain the two girls are the original members of Destiny’s Child who got the boot shortly after Bills, Bills, Bills.  One can’t stop sleeping and sneezing and the other one is actually pretty normal.  She’ll likely land a role as the next door neighbor or kid sister if/when they bring back the UPN and Moesha.  I’m praying both of those things happen, quickly.  One girl forgot her dance halfway through and you could immediately notice that her mother disowned her right then and there from the audience.  The other girl dressed up like a Gay Parade float and/or Nicki Minaj and kinda sang and kinda danced. Moving on.

Back to Mia.  This poor girl doesn’t have a chance with her b*tch of a mother.  Marina started to turn as soon as the host of the pageant cut down the time that Mia could be on stage.  She immediately started twitching and sniffing.  Seriously what was that?  She was sniffing like she suddenly smelled sh*t and then twitched like someone threw it in her eyes.  As if that wasn’t bad enough she apparently doesn’t allow Mia to see her favorite stuffed animal until pageant day.   This poor little girl suddenly sees her stuffed animal, Mischa, (because everything is Russian.  Everything.) sitting in the audience and just keeps hugging and kissing him.  She’s looking for love and acceptance from this bear since her mother is dead inside.  This will one day lead to promiscuous behavior.  I may not be a psychologist, but I’m pretty sure watching hundreds of thousands of hours of reality television qualifies me to make statements like that.f   Anyway, after the judge cut off Mia on stage Marina loses her mind, screams in a horrific accent, storms out of the “conference hall” and tells her husbands that everyone hates Mia.  “They hates her, they hates her!” Since Mia was born with “ears” she can hear her mother say this and she books it out of the hotel room and shakes in the corner of the hallway.  Like Forest Gump, and with similar intelligence levels, she should have just kept on r-u-n-n-i-n-g.

Leading by good example, Marina keeps telling Mia that she should quit because “it’s over forever” and “surprise you lose.”  Awww, save some of it for the congratulations Hallmark card!  The husband finally convinces Marina to let Mia finish the dumb pageant and this consists of bringing out a wicker table.  Of course she makes it in time for the “celebrity fashion” portion in which everyone basically dresses up like Shirley Temple.  One girl does 10 seconds of Good Ship Lollipop and then, literally, starts doing Beyonce booty-boucnes.  All pedophiles please rains both hands above your head.  Thank you for complying.  In the end, Mia loses her sh*t because she knows she isn’t winning the $10K and Marina sits outside the whole time because she’s a horrific, terrible person.  Mia does win $500 and decides she’ll go to Sea World with her winnings.  Marina will barely look at her.  Perhaps Mia should take a portion of her winnings to hire a black-car to drop her off at Child Protective Services.

Post Script, the girl who actually won the pageant apparently was 11 years old, but I’m pretty sure she was technically 24. Eh, whatever it takes y’all!

So that’s that.  Let’s talk about these trash heaps over on my Facebook page.  Let’s be Facebook friends!  Spread the word…and more!

Related Trashy Links:
Toddlers and Tiaras:  Honey Boo Boo Child!
Teen Mom 2 Recap:  When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens