Jersey Shore Recap: A Watermelon, Pinhole and, Apparently, Sammi’s Balls Walk Into a Bar…

Join Me on Facebook!

• So like a typical day in the life of Lil’ Snooki DeVito, she’ sporting a sombrero, finishing the beers in the backyard, finds out she just drank cigarettes, bends over to spit it out with her cooch hanging out the back of her skirt, goes into the house to dry hump Vinny in his twin bed, pulls her pajamas out of garbage bag, gets into bed with Vinny, hooks up, and then falls off the bed and gets stuck between the bed and the wall.  Yup, this is actually the actual formula to become an overnight success on a reality show.  Please note, you are able to substitute drinking cigarettes with eating cigarettes if you see fit.
• The next morning Snooki wakes up to find Vinny with one hand on her rack and the other hand on her Lil’ Vag.  Basically he’s giving her a free medical exam and she should be grateful.  However, she basically jumps out of his bed while yelling “Ariba! Ariba!” and runs into her own bed so that her own sheets can be basted with crab bisque as well.
• Snooki fills in Sammi that she hooked up with Vin and Sammi looks shocked.  Well, I can’t tell if she looks shocked or if she just crawled out of the gutter after getting gang-banged on Ocean Drive.  Either way, she looks beat down.  Almost like she tried to “beat the beat” but the beat won.  Snooki lets Sammi know that Vinny is pretty big in the “ding-dong-diddly-doo” area by explaining to her that it was like “trying to fit a watermelon into a pinhole.”  Perhaps Vinny is swinging with the brothers, but there is no way in holy hell that I’ll believe for one second that Snooki is like a “pinhole” downstairs.  The first piece of a Russian nesting doll, yes.  A pinhole?  No dice.
• While the “ladies” hit the beach to get the sand all greasy, Sammi SweatStains stays back at the house because I believe she has a case of the Shasta McNasty’s and needs to be by the toilet.  Grandpa Situation basically confirms to Sammi that everything in the letter was true.  This isn’t overly shocking, but what does surprise me during this conversation is that Grandpa Sitch’s accent and “swagger” seems to be missing.  He’s pronouncing all of this letters and hasn’t said “yo,” “son,” or “dog” at all.  It’s like he’s actually speaking like a 30-year old.  Odd.  Well, odd and boring.  Bring back Duncey McDroopy-Face!
• Did Angelina Trash Bags really have anything to do with “the letter?”  Not really, right?  Well Snooki and JWoww ShamWow are hell-bent on telling her that she’s to blame as much as the rest of them.  So, as her punishment (besides being from Staten Island) is to go in the house and tell Sammi to come outside so that “the ladies” can have a talk with her.  Yeah, no.  That doesn’t go over so well which can only mean one thing.  JWoww is going to start yelling and clapping in Sammi’s face.  I have to admit I really like when ShamWow does the “yell-clap.”  It keeps me alert, following along, and even makes me start to bob my head a bit.  It’s great exercise whilst sitting on my couch.
• After JWoww screams and claps at the whole house, to the point where I actually had to lower my TV so that my neighbors didn’t think there was a domestic dispute going on at my residence, Sammi makes it outside and Ronnie goes over to talk to her and tell her if she needs space he’ll give it to her and he doesn’t mean he’s going to “do me right now.”  I knew this episode was missing something.  It was the “do you” and the “do me right now” theme.  Anyway, as they’re talking I zone out as I literally see an ab-workout machine resting up against Snooki’s sombrero under a palm tree and, well, that is seriously what they should just rename this show, “Ab Machine Sombrero” because that pretty much sums up this Miami season.
• Sammi keeps saying that she’s embarrassed and looks like an idiot for all that Ronnie did to her.  In her defense, her giant oversized hoop earrings make her look more like an idiot.  Honestly, Snooki could hula-hoop in them.  Wait a second, that’s about the size I’d like to use for Snooki’s vag comparison.  Never mind the Russian nesting doll.  She’s about as “small” as Sammi SweatStain’s hoop earrings.  Ding! Ding! Ding!
• Also, why is Sammi even talking to Ronnie right now and why is he making it seem like he’s trying to help her through this situation?  Isn’t it his fault?  More importantly, why do I care?  Oh that’s right.  I’m a tool.
• Well, Vinny may have pink-eye again.  Either that or maybe Snooki sat on his face and he has eye-crabs?  It’s a toss up either way.  Nevertheless, Vinny and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta head out to the eye doctor to see what exactly is wrong.  Sleep well, America, because Vinny only has come down with a case of dry-eye and will live after all.  However, before he leaves the nurse asks him if he’s Italian and when he replies “yes” she asks him why he’s so white.  Brilliant.  They all have a hearty laugh and then I’ll just assume the doctor gave him some coupons to go and get a healthy and safe tan in the booth.  She probably told him to up his cigarette intake and to start taking steroids in order to “bulk up.”  I’m sure we’ll see that in the Season 2 DVD, soon to be released.
• We’re 30 minutes into the episode and we’re FINALLY at “da club.”  I had my club clothes on for half-an-hour just waiting and I’m just taking my glow-sticks out of the freezer now?  How rude! (shout out to Jodie Sweetin)
• After dancing with some filthy pig in a J Lo jumper for 5 minutes, Grandpa Situation brings her back home to bang the last drop of dignity out of her on national television, but not before making her sit in the bedroom by herself while he literally makes himself a plate of food and then goes to smoke a cigarette.  So basically it’ll be like she’ll be banging a garbage disposal…you know, a typical Friday night for this trash bag.
• Also, why is Grand Sitch wearing Shaggy’s outfit from Scooby Doo?  No joke, it’s the legit costume I think.  Anyway, after the 15 second bang-session the reason why he banked $5 million this year happens in 3….2….1.  He rubs her stomach for about 2 seconds and then tells her to get dressed and that he already called her a cab.  Awesome.  I’m sure he just has a button next to his bed where when he’s done he just presses it and it automatically alerts the local cab company to send out a taxi STAT.  That was easy!
• So what’s up with Snooki’s new headband/forehead-band that she’s been sporting all crapisode?  Did she steal that from Teresa Guidice or because it’s “Jersey” everyone just shares them?  As sidenote and cross-reference, Snooki kinda of looks like Teresa’s husband Joe, but with boobs.  Actually, just with bigger boobs.  And she has a little more spunk.  Other than that, same-same.
• It’s “the ladies” turn to cook dinner for the house and Snooki and JWoww head out to do some food shopping.  After Snook’s loses the shopping list JWoww takes some tomato cans off the shelf and then freaks out when she thinks the rest are going to fall off the shelf.  I believe her reaction is a sign that she may have had the bag beaten out of her in a previous relationship.  Just a guess.
• When it’s time to cook I have no idea why the girls aren’t wearing hairnets.  I mean, sure, they have enough hairspray in there to stop a charging rhino, but still some of their weave could fall out and make its way into the Vodka sauce…which was made with a gallon of the cheapest Vodka on the market.  Sidenote, it was great to see Snooki pour a ton of it onto the stove and watch everything catch on fire.  Had she been wearing her sombrero, Snooki would have been a human tiki torch.
• Sammi SweatStains didn’t really help with anything except making a salad with her hands and then she didn’t eat anything.  This is the same routine that DJ Tanner pulled when she was trying to get into “bathing suit shape” for Kathy Santone’s pool party.  Wow, two Full House references in one JS recap.  Is this technically my rock bottom?
• The “next day” while at the gelato shop that customers seem to never go to, Sammi and Angelina start to bond since they now have no one else in the house to talk to.  Angelina lets the cat out of the bag and basically lets her know that Snooki and JWoww wrote the note to Sammi.  Well, I’m sure the events to follow will go smoothly.
• Grandpa Situation’s sister is going to be hanging out with the gang tonight, which makes Vinny a little uneasy since he hooked up with her last season.  Uh, and this season he hooked up with Snooki.  So did he trade up or trade down?  All I know is that my crotch itches.
• Vinny Funny Moment of the Night:  When showing off his new “bling” to JWoww she asks him if it’s real.  He replies, “It’s like your t*ts.  It looks sick, but it’s fake.”  Bravo Vinny, bravo.  He’s giving Pauly D/Ellen Travolta a run for his money with the one-liners.  Also, it’s not normal that I’m starting to actually like some of these people.  With the exception of Sammi, Ronnie and Angelina, I’d like to grab a beer with the rest of them and then, you know, get the crap kicked out of me for teeing off on them for two seasons.  Eh, circle of life.
• While at “da club” everyone is dancing (awkwardly) and having a good time (alcohol induced).  Grandpa Situation is having so much fun that he is most likely dancing with a tranny.  No joke, he is.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but just sayin’.  The rest of the roommates are trying to say that they think it’s a tranny because  she’s wearing a collar around her neck so you can’t see the Adam’s Apple and she’s wearing gloves so you can’t see her hands.  Oh, did no one notice her balls hanging out of her skirt because, 9 times out of 10, that’s the dead giveaway.  They all end up making up a rule that says, “If you have to think about it…it is.”  The More You Know (cue the shooting star).
• Everyone else is trashed too.  Snooki is so drunk that she tells JWoww that she wants to go to the bathroom to dance and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta needs to be walked out of “da club” because, well, he can barely walk and, spoiler alert, his hair is messed up.  He ends up making out with Angelina Trash Bags in the back of the cab.  She looks like she’s ready to squeal with delight.  Perhaps her “marriage” dream to Pauly D will come true after all.
• In the end, after Angelina is caught talking smack a fight (shocker) erupts in the house and to be honest I’ve been waiting for this all season.  It’s finally the part where JWoww says to Sammi, “Did you grow balls all of a sudden?”  to which Sammi replies, “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  Those two lines have been in my head since the season preview over a month ago.  I think all women should just start saying that no matter where you are or what someone says to you.  (Example) Starbucks Employee: “Would you like anything else with your Grande iced coffee?”  You: “I’ve always had balls, honey!”  (Example) Police Officer Pulling You Over for Speeding: “License and registration, ma’am.”  You:  “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  (Example) Priest At Your Wedding:  “My dear, repeat after me.  I take you to be my husband in sickness and in health….”  You:  “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  See how that works?
• JWoww gets in Sammi’s face to “step up, yo, step up!”  Sammi says she doesn’t fight because she’s mature and classy.  Haha brilliant.  I’d love to see the gag reel for this one.  You know as soon as she said it someone yelled “cut” and they all burst out laughing.
• ShamWow ends up pushing Sammi’s face and then pushes her down to the ground.  I’d say she owned Sammi…that is until Sammi got back up and punched her directly in the face.  Well…almost.  We’ll have to see next week if the punch actually connected to JWoww’s face.  What a cliffhanger!  This is bigger than “Who shot JR?”

Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: jersey shore recap

Teen Mom Recap: “Butch’s World” is the Only World I Really Want to Live In

Join Me on Facebook!

Sorry that this is just being posted now.  Like the girls from 16 & Pregnant, I was late.  Anycrap, here’s what went down on with our favorite cast of characters on Teen Mom (or “Teenage Mother” if I’m feeling fancy)

• Catelynn - So at what point are they just going to scrap the others and give Catelynn and her family their own show because, well, I’m waiting and I want to give my DVR as much advanced notice as possible. For some inexplicable reason Catelynn’s moms toddler son is literally making out with the wall and then yells out “I kissed the wall!” Butch (a national treasure) beams with pride as I’m sure that’s how he learned to “woo” women as well. To make things even more strange, Butch decides he wants to show off his basement to Tyler and the camera crew. I’ll assume he’s either high, or drunk, or both. If only he could have put his alcohol/drug money towards scissors to cut that rat tail. I’m kidding. Never cut it. Ever. In fact, one day when Butch passes on I hope to see his rat tail hanging in the Smithsonian. Um also, where in the hell is the stove? It’s missing from the kitchen. It’s legit gone. Anyway, Butch learns that he’s being ordered to go to rehab but, honestly, I don’t want him to get clean and sober. I know it’s selfish but I don’t. It really will take the fun out of watching. Eh, fingers crossed for a relapse. Later, I learn that Christmas has come early for me because we get to meet Tyler’s sister who is a spitting image of his mom (minus the shoulder pads). When Butch heads over to Tyler’s house to let them know he’s going to rehab he walks in the door and Tyler’s sister yells out, “Oh my God, I have a dad? Hi dad!” to which Butch responds, “Do I know you?” and then they all laugh. I mean this family is comedy gold. Butch fills in the fam that he’s heading to rehab and they’re all just glad at least he’s not going to jail. I can’t even process choices like that. Do you think when Butch gets sober he’ll look in the mirror and be like, “Holy crap why do I look like this? Why didn’t anyone tell me I molded my look after Billy Ray Cyrus circa 1991?” Moving on. Catelynn’s mom looks like she’s been through hell, came back to life, went back to hell, got gang-banged by Satan and his minions, and then got rabies. She’s dropping Butch off at rehab, but seriously, it’s like you’re on television sweet cheeks. Maybe put on a little makeup? Geesh. Especially with Butch spending time in “the ‘hab” maybe she can land herself a man? The lady who’s checking Butch into rehab might as well work at the DMV. With as little energy as possible she says, “Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.” She could use some coke. Speaking of that, we learn that Butch liked to snort cocaine and not crack. Did you see the arrogance in his face when she asked him if he did crack and not cocaine?  Oh all of a sudden Butch is the King of England.  Back at home, Catelynn is fighting it out with her mom because Catelynn doesn’t help out around the house.  Uh, I’m sure some of that “Teen Mom” money might help out a bit.  Also, her mom is chain-smoking so close to the baby she might as well give him a couple of puffs.  You know, stunt his growth so they can save money on new clothes and a “big boy” bed.  In the end, Catelynn’s mom is writing an embarrassing love letter to Butch with multiple colored pens and it’s titled, “Hi Sexy.”  I’m red in the face.  It also has a ton of “xoxoxoxoxo’s.”  Kill me.  I actually kept pausing my DVR to see if I could read it.  The only thing I could make out was that I think she was sending him his stuff tomorrow.  I wonder if that means his clothes or, like, cocaine?  Catelynn ends up cleaning up the house so her mom is no longer mad at her.  To celebrate they order a pizza and watch nighttime cartoons.  Just a typical Sunday in “Butch’s World.”

• Amber - It’s decision day for Amber.  Should she get her GED or get her high school diploma?  It’s like Sophie’s Choice.  Apparently Amber thinks if she gets her GED her daughter, Leah, will end up asking her why she doesn’t have her diploma.  Does Amber think that television will be extinct by the time Leah gets old enough to ask?  Roseanne and Dan aren’t really yelling at each other in this episode so I’m not really sure how to react.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Amber ends up going to her old high school counselor to discuss the whole GED/diploma crisis.  Amber thinks that if she gets her GED people will wonder what she did wrong.  Uh, what about if she gets her diploma and it shows that she started high school in 2006 and graduated in 2018?  Perhaps that will raise a red flag?   By the way, 10 years in high school only worked on 90210.  Later Amber and Gary take Leah to a place called, “That Fun Place” and on their sign they seem to be bragging about having a “blacklight” for some reason.  Is that a thing people want to experience and pay for?  Gary tells Amber if she passes her GED test he’s going to take her out for dinner.  Well, I sure hope Cracker Barrel allows you to postpone your reservations a couple of times.  Just a guess.  In the end, Gary says he wants Amber to pass her GED test because he wants to “marry a woman who’s on her game.”  Well there you have it.  This is coming from a guy who looks like he could have been cast for 16 & Pregnant and doesn’t have employment.  At this point Gary’s only “future wife requirement” should consist of:  Must have minimum of 4 teeth.  Oh, and Amber ended up failing all portions of her GED practice test.  That sucks.  She actually asks Gary if she can take “smart pills” to help her remember how to do all this stuff.  Solid plan.  Gary lets her know that she just needs to listen to Mozart because “it’s proven” to make you 50% smarter.  I hope the tanning salon gives Amber more hours because she’s going to need it.  I wonder if she’ll bump into Farrah there?  We’ll get to her in a minute.

• Farrah – Starting out Farrah’s segment any other way than showing clips of Debra picking up trash is just stupid.  It makes me laugh every time.  I think that Debra just being on the show and having to deal with Farrah on camera is “community service” enough.  At work Farrah is chopping up pizza toppings like nobodies business with a butcher knife.  I think she’s sending a secret message to her mom.  She’s also trying to pick up more hours at work because of that whole pesky $3,000 car scam, but I’m zoning out a bit because I’m wondering why she’s wearing Christmas wrapping paper ribbon in her hair for the entire episode.  Farrah’s friend ends up convincing her to go speed dating and thank Santa Christ she did because I was getting bored with her.  Ugh, imagine showing up to speed dating and sitting across the table from you is Farrah?  I would hope, of course, that Debra would be sitting across from me wearing her reflective vest and holding her trash claw in one hand and her butcher knife in the other.  Seriously, Farrah is the worst.  The first guy on her speed date asks her if she has any questions for him and she says, “I don’t.  Just talk.”  She’s a real dream come true.  Although his only question for her is centered around if there is anyone negative or a “downer” in her life.  Yeah, looks like someone checked out TMZ before going on his speed date.  The next dude looks like he’ll strangle Farrah in the parking lot.  She lets him know that she doesn’t like cats because they piss everywhere.  Um, ok.  Whatever happened to “So…where you from?”  The third guy wants to be a professional fighter, which should come in handy if/when Farrah and her mom ever speak to each other again.  Farrah lets him know that she enjoys going tanning.  Tanning.  Tanning?  Is that a hobby?  Really?  Can a hobby only be 7 minutes and require goggles?  All the dates were a bust so Farrah goes home.  Maybe she should email that guy from Craigslist who scammed her?  He seemed like a real go-getter.

• Maci - Is moving to Nashville with Bint-Lee.

Well, that’ wraps up another crapisode of Teen Mom.  I love this show.  I hope it runs as long as Butch’s rat tail.   Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: teen mom recap

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap: “Do NOT Bring Up My FAMILY” is the new “And It Wasn’t Not Funny!”

Join Me on Facebook!

Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (Part 1) episode may have been the best piece of television that my eyes have quite possibly ever seen.  I basically sat hypnotized in front of my television with about 1 gallon of pee and poop in my pants because I couldn’t leave my couch for one second.  When it was time for commercials I was fielding phone calls, text messages, and Facebook comments like I was running a telethon to raise money for a national disaster in one of those countries where kids don’t even bother swatting the flies off of them and eat rice out of a newspaper while they sit by the train tracks.  I mean, not for nothing, but they don’t even have a school to go to, but their town has money for a train?  I say hop on it and get the F out of Dodge.  Where was I?  Anyflies, here’s what went down last night on the RHONJ Reunion:

• Signs that nothing good may be coming out of this reunion?  Jacqueline is missing part of her nose and Caroline is sitting so far away from Danielle that she’s basically taping the Real Housewives of OC reunion special.
• Through the grace of God, Andy Cohen (my new arch nemesis) is bringing up Jersey Shore and Teresa uses that to let “The America” know about the time where Danielle banged Steve at Teresa’s Jersey Shore house in front of her kids.  Please, it’s the Jersey Shore.  If people aren’t banging other people in front of their kids, they’re banging their kids thinking it’s just Snooki stopping by for a visit.
• You can tell that Teresa is out for blood in this reunion, as her hairline is getting nervously closer to her eyebrows.  That’s like “Red Alert” to the Threat-of-a-Terrorist-Attack-o-Meter.
• I’m so glad that Andy put together some clips of Teresa and Danielle butchering the English language.  This includes, but is not limited to: cleavlage, ethniticity, re-renovated and, of course, the whole “women/woman” fiasco of 2010.  Even when Andy corrects Danielle about the use of “women/woman” she still gets it wrong and, no joke, Teresa is mouthing the correct use of the word like she’s practicing just in case she’s asked next.  Both “woman” decide that they like having their own language and won’t change for anyone.  Uh, anyone?  Well maybe change a little for your kids so they, you know, learn how to speak properly.  I mean, screeching out “fabulous!” is only going to get them so far.
• So we finally learn what “Danielle tried to do” from the last reunion.  Apparently she tried to get Dina’s daughter, Lexi, taken away from her.  Wait, what?!  How?  Who?  What?  When? Where? and Why? And sometimes “y.”  Can you just do that?  If so, I have a new hobby.  Poor Lexi.  She better hop on a boat and take her ass back to Capri before I’m having a telethon about her!
• Well there you have it.  We’re about 8 minutes in and Teresa calls Danielle disgusting for never congratulating Jacqueline on the birth of her son.  Then it turns into Danielle asking Teresa if she ever acknowledged her nephew.  Well, that must be PeeWee Herman’s Word of the Day because Teresa loses her sh*t.  She gets two inches from Danielle’s face and starts screaming at sounds so loud that only dogs can hear her (and me) and saying, “Do Not Bring Up My Family!”  Seriously, “Do Not Bring Up My Family” is the new “And It Wasn’t, Not, Funny!” screamed by Tammi from Real World Los Angeles.
• After that Teresa spends the next few minutes going through her favorite bag of swears and constantly calls Danielle the following:  You F’n b*tch, you piece of garbage, you f’n b*tch, you mother f**ker, you pig.  Then when Danielle walks off the stage, Teresa changes it up to the following:  SHE’s an f’n b*tch, SHE’s a piece of garbage, SHE’s a pig, etc.  This was moments after literally tossing Andy onto his little couch like he was Gia getting punished for not getting a role in an upcoming Adam Sandler movie.  Caroline is trying to calm her down, but Teresa is now in a robot-phase where she’s being held by Caroline she just has a blank stare and keeps shouting, “she’s a b*tch” until her batteries run out of juice and she is only left to say, “she is….she is…she is…she is….”  I was yelling back at my TV, “What?  She’s what?  What is she Teresa?  Use your words.  Sound it out.  What is she?”
• Meanwhile, backstage, Danielle has her entourage which consists of Dina Lohan and Bruce Villanch talking her off the ledge.  They end up doing some sort of prayer and chanting, “amazing things…amazing things….new beginnings…amazing things.”  Well I’ve seen it all.  They can cut to the credits right now and I would be fully at peace with that.
• After all the craziness Andy just awkwardly jumps back into it and is like, “Ok.  Kathy from Livingston writes into BravoTV and says I love your baby, Jacqueline!”  Awkward.
• I have to admit from my blackened heart, I like Caroline.  They show her montage from the season (featuring my other two favorites: Cookie and Frannie) including the clip where she tells Albie to not let anyone tell him he can’t be what he wants to be.  She’s a good mom.  That is all.
• Caroline is talking about shaving her face now.   While this would normally be boring, she says, “People think I have facial hair.  I don’t have facial hair.  I’m not a monkey.”  And then they close up on Teresa.  Ouch.
• Now it’s time to talk about their kids.  This should go well.  Danielle says she doesn’t need to defend her kids because she knows them and she knows their “hapinesses and their sadnesses.”  This is quite the developing language!
• Later we tackle things like Teresa being $11 million in debt and, while she agrees she declared bankruptcy, she says we shouldn’t believe everything that the New York Post writes….but some of it is true….just not all of it.  I think the part that isn’t true is the $23,000 in Bloomingdale’s charges.  I think the part that is true is the $11 million in debt.  Simple math.  Carry the “1″ with a remainder of 2.  Dot your “i” cross your “t” and call it a day.
• Then there’s that whole “Joe crashed his car and then to celebrate he did 4 shots before the cops arrived”  situation.  Oops!  Andy basically asks Teresa is Joe/Barney Rubble tried to “off himself” because of all the financial debt.  She laughs and says “no.”  However, I think Andy might be on to something.  Although if Joe really wanted to off himself he would probably just remove the phone-book from the driver seat and head out onto the highway and, well, just see what happens.
• Rumor has it that Danielle was banging Danny and his feathered bangs and that’s why he and his wife split up two weeks after they started filming the show.  Odd, nothing to do with his spending years in solitary confinement? Either way now I have visions of Danny’s hair flopping in the wind whilst Danielle screams “Call me a beautiful ‘women’ bitch!”  Eh, nothing some bleach and sandpaper can’t erase from my brain.
• I like how we live in a world where someone on TV can easily talk about the multiple sex tapes that they’re in.  It’s like it’s no big deal.  I feel like Kim Kardashian and her fat ass paved the way for displaying intercourse as a career move.  Just another bullet point for the resume I guess.
• Ding! Ding! Ding! Just when there was a bit of a lull Teresa kicks it up a notch by screaming at Danielle again.  Phew!  Danielle says that Teresa spends a lot of time talking about her and Teresa flips her sh*t (unfortunately not the table in front of her) and says, “B*tch, I don’t talk about you…I’m doing it right now because we’re on a friggin TV show.”  Brilliant.  Although, in all fairness, “Growing Pains” was a TV show.  This?  This is a televised circus and the nuts being served are to the left and right of Andy Cohen.
• “We are in the Ok Corral, buckle up.  Yippie-kai-yay!”  Why doesn’t Caroline write a book of quotes?
• In the end, we leave off with the Brownstone incident.  And Caroline is piiiiised.  We know this because her hair starts to spike a bit like Ma’am Papadopolis.  Apparently the father of the little girl whose benefit it was claims Danielle never ended up donating any money.  Danielle tries to cover herself by saying that she went door-to-door collecting “commitments.”  Wait, what?  Yeah, no.  Just tell the father that when he has to pay the hospital bills to let them know he’ll be paying a portion of that in “commitments.”  Well, commitments and crazy.  I hear the value of “crazy” may now be worth more than the dollar.

Bring on Part II and the mannequin head!  See you next week!  Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: real housewives of new jersey

Jersey Shore Recap: Putting the Hippopotamus to Bed

Join Me on Facebook!

• It’s just another night in South Beach and JWoww ShamWow and Snooki are heading out to celebrate gay pride weekend, but not before ShamWow stands in the mirror pushing her boobs together in hopes that they’ll join forces and, quite possibly, take over the world.  Literally, she keeps pushing them together and saying, “I want them like this” but, like the Berlin Wall, they fall.  I’m sure if she sprayed some of Snooki’s AquaNet on them we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now.
• After Snooki and Shammy dance it up with a gay couple out at “da club” they come home so that Snooki can call her boyfriend Emilio.  Per usual a fight begins because Snooki lets him know that she made some gay friends tonight.  Emilio loses his sh*t and claims that he’s going to go out and hang out with some lesbians.  Snooki, the teacher of a new generation, informs him that it’s different with gay guys because “they don’t like vagina, they like ****.”  Actually I’m pretty sure one of those guys thought ShamWow had a penis so they may be in more trouble than Snooki is letting on.  She ends up hanging up on him and ShamWow gives Snooki a round of applause.
• Meanwhile the guys are out at their own “da club” and are rounding up some Miami skanks to come on back to “da house” and partake in a little STD handing-out ceremony.  It’s like picking names out of a hat, you don’t know which one you’re going to get.  Although, like the episode of The Brady Bunch where Peter meets his “twin” at school and ends up having two dates for Halloween show up at his house at the same time, two sets of girls show up at the house to “hang” with Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, and even Vinny.  The only problem is that, according to Grandpa Sitch, one girl brought a hippopotamus and therefore someone needs to put the hippopotamus to bed so the rest of the guys can pair up with their girls and basically get itchy crotches in the next 24 to 48 hours.
• Side Question: What do you do if you’re the girl who showed up to the house, signed the waiver to be shown on national television, didn’t end up having sex on camera, and was now known as a hippopotamus?  I mean, is that something you put on your resume or no?
• The next morning the guys usher the girls quickly out of the house and decide to a do a little TL.  No time for the gym, but there’s always time for tanning and laundry.  I’m sure, however, that they at least run in place whilst in the tanning booth or maybe even do squats so I’m certain they’re getting in a little “G” while doing their “TL.”
• Grandpa situation puts in a request that Angelina Trash Bags helps out around the house and does the dishes because he’s going to be cooking up Sunday dinner which, most likely, will end up all over the kitchen floor similar to the girls from “da club” last night.
• Snooki ends up asking Angelina to do the dishes, but Angelina is on the phone for the 16th consecutive hour and wants no part of it so Snooki just Smurfs away from the situation (not “the” situation). I actually laughed when Snooki was in her one-on-one interview and said “So Angelina was on the phone again” and then stuck out her tongue and went “blah” all in one breath.  Good old Snook’s, friend ’til the end.
• Once Grandpa Sitch comes back from getting the groceries and sees that Angelina didn’t clean any of the dishes all guido hell breaks loose.  They end up in a screaming match and Angelina does that “yell clap” that a lot of people on reality shows are doing now when they get into a verbal fight with someone.  You know, they clap their hands whilst they are yelling.  I’m not sure if it’s because they’re trying to drop a beat or if they’re still learning how to sound out words into syllables and the clapping just helps with that.  It’s a real toss up at this point.  All I know is that’s how I’m going to order my coffee tomorrow at Dunkin Donuts.  I want a (clap clap) medium iced (clap) coffee with (clap clap) skim milk (clap) and no (clap) sugar (clap).  And I’ll probably end it with a loud “hello?!”
• Anyway G. Sitch tells Angelina to hit the treadmill, but then realizes he was wrong for saying that so he changes his mind and tells her to hit the elliptical instead.  I think it’s nice that he’s providing workout tips all whilst fighting.  I’m pretty sure I saw Snooki taking copious notes in the background.
• Poor Snooki (insert sideways sad face).  ShamWow takes her for a walk to get some fresh air and clear her mind from the breakup with Emilio.  Snooki ends up crying in the middle of the street while JWoww ShamWow just hugged her.  It was nice…for the first 2 seconds.  Then it got awkward and all it looked like was a giant ball of hair and tan was stuck in the middle of the street.  They’re lucky the street sweeper didn’t scoop them up.  See?  There’s always a bright side.
• Later, after dinner Snooki decides to take all her pictures of Emilio and his drawn in eyebrows and burn them out in the backyard.  She lets us know that all of her roommates are being sympathetic and then she gets all proud of herself for using such a “big word” like sympathetic.  And you know what?  I’m proud of her too.  I’m proud of her too.
• Vinny spits on one of the picture and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does a little dance over the burning picture.  Basically this is the same exact way they pick up girls at “da club.”  Like an episode of National Geographics, I’m pretty sure we just witnessed their actual mating ritual.
• Well it’s finally “note” time!  Snooki and ShamWow secretly hide the note in Sammi SweatStains drawer in hopes that she’ll find it the next morning.  Snooki, Grandpa Situation, and ShamWow head out to the gelato shop for “work” and while they’re gone Sammi finds the typed up note.  I actually thought she was going to lose her sh*t, but she really didn’t.  She went to all the guys and showed them the note and then asked them if they wrote it and if they knew anything about what was in it.  Of course they all say no.  Perhaps no one is aware that a camera crew follows them around and through “the magic of technology” they’re all recorded witnessing what Ronnie did at “da club” and all the rest of his meth’d out shenanigans.
• Sammi SweatStains ends up showing Ronnie the letter and asking him if any of it is true.  To my surprise, Ronnie doesn’t think the letter is written by Snooki since it had the word “wisely” in it and Ronnie knows that “Snooki doesn’t use that kind of vocabulary.”  Brilliant.  Snooki did set up that trap while typing the note, but her trap was with the word “breasts” instead of “t*ts.”  Chalk up a “W” for Snooki!
• Ronnie ends up admitting to some of the things that he did like “taking a shot between the waitresses breasts.”  Can that go on a t-shirt, by the way?  Angelina is keeping it cool and pretending that she knows nothing about it.  She’s wearing her sunglasses inside the house as an acting prop and, well, it’s working for her.  Vinny has his sunglasses on inside the house too.  I think it’s great that everyone is like Mr. Magoo inside the house.
• Meanwhile, JWoww calls the house to see if the note had been found.  Sammi SweatStains answers and this is where JWoww needs to use her fine-tuned acting skills.  She claims she has no idea what Sammi is talking about and didn’t write the note.  Something tells me this performance will land JWoww a walk-on role on an upcoming episode of Law & Order.
• Once they make it home from “work” they read the letter with Grandpa Situation and all have a laugh over many of the lines of the note.  It actually is pretty funny.  JWoww just keeps telling Sammi that she wasn’t even there the night this stuffed happened and Snooki just keeps rubbing the side of her arm while talking to Sammi.  These are not signs of lying at all.  At. All.
• In the end, Ronnie and Sammi kind of figure out they’re broken up so, literally, seconds later Ronnie goes and finds his phone-book (no idea) and calls up this girl that MTV has labeled as “Ronnie’s Hometown Honey.”  Sure.  Somehow Sammi hears this and confronts him.  She ends up calling him “bro” and he ends up calling her “bro.”  This is like when Justin Bobby used to call Audrina “dude.”  I miss The Hills.  Almost.  A little.  Not really.  Well, once in a while.  Anyway, Sammi and Ronnie are broken up so they’re now both free to spread STDs to whoever they want.    Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: jersey shore recap

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Wipe Your Feet on the Whoremat Please!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to you and yours. Some people have been emailing me and asking questions like, “But IBBB, why has Harriet Carter Wednesday sometimes moved to Thursday?” I answer in love and light by saying, “I ask the questions around here. Now cut the crap before I call the cops.” This week, Harriet gives whores a voice and makes peeing on your friends and/or enemies more fun than ever. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – How many of us have walked down the street, saw the town whore, and thought to ourselves, “Hmmm, I wonder what she’s getting at? Is she just sending me mixed signals?” I know I ask that to myself whenever I go whore-hunting. Well now thanks to the Harriet Carter doormat there is no need to try and decipher mixed messaging any longer. This doormat is clearly giving you a message that says, “Come inside….my box.” No really it does. I think it’s pretty polite actually. Sometimes you go to enter “a house” and you’re not really sure if you’re supposed to actually come inside or wait out front until you see a familiar face. A couple of times I even would have to come around the back just to see if anyone was home. And don’t even get me started that one time I was do drunk that I started to come inside but then started to fall asleep and never even made it inside the front door. Boy was that embarrassing! I once knew this girl whose parents were really Catholic and they never let anyone ever come inside her house so she ended up sneaking out at all hours of the night and got herself pregnant. Those Catholics. Geesh! They even try to convince you that surprising you up the back door is better than going straight in the front. Religion. It’s confusing. So anyway, folks, the next time you’re not quite sure how to end your “visit” just check the doormat to see if there’s an instructional message if you can come inside the box or not. Since we’re talking about boxes, this also make the perfect holiday gift for that homeless person who lives in one by the train station that you see every morning on your way to work. Oh and in case we weren’t all clear on the matter, I’m making 5th grade sex jokes. All caught up? Fantastic.

Product # 2 – Ready to make pissing a whole lot more fun? Do you think heading to your office bathroom is getting just a bit, you know, boring? Has your anger towards a co-worker almost gone from hatred to sexy boom boom? Well if you answered, “Teddy Ruxpin!” to any of these questions does Harriet have the item for you! Introducing the “Urinal Cake Photo Screen.” Ole! All you need to do is find a picture of your favorite arch nemesis (mine, of course, would be one Ms. Bindi Irwin) and then walk into your public work bathroom, use your hands to lift out the filthy disease-filled urinal cake holder, place it on the sink, whip out your picture, measure it, measure the urinal cake holder, cut it, take out some glue, place the glue on the back of the picture, press the picture firmly on the urinal cake holder, pull up a chair, sit and wait 45 minutes for it to dry, place it back in the urinal and then begin to urinate all while laughing for upwards of 45 seconds until the picture gets wet, starts to curl, the ink starts to run, and your fun ends before the minute is up and that one guy who takes loud sh*ts in the stall next to you awkwardly comes out of the stall, give you a nod, and then leaves without washing his hands. Phew, that was a mouthful! So this may make sense for a quick laugh if you, you know, had a urinal in your own private home but let’s face it, that doesn’t exist. So you’re forced to try out this new schtick at work. Should I alert HR of your firing now or just wait until you actually complete the task at hand? Wow. First picture urinal cakes and next thing you know women will be buying Tampons with Bin Laden’s head at the tip! I chose him because of, you know, the white turban and all. I thought it would just be a good fit, figuratively and literally. Thanks Harriet for even making pissing an all around hoot!

Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: harriet carter

So When Andy Cohen Gets Murdered During the Reunion Show, Can I Get His Job? You Know, After the Funeral and Junk.

Join Me on Facebook!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion is going to be in two parts.  I’m breathing slowing as I’m typing this because I want to open up my apartment window and yell out, “I love you America, I love you!”  The gang filmed this in Atlantic City, which is just basically a large broken down carnival with gaudy hotels.  Basically, it’s a Jersey dream come true.

Just from watching the preview alone I already have plans to plug my DVR into a backup generator in case there is any kind of malfunction.  I could care less that I’ll die from carbon monoxide poisoning because it’s worth it.  It’s. All. Worth. It.

I can’t tell if my favorite part is Teresa screaming “one at time” as she mocks Danielle the same way my sister would mock me when we were little or if my favorite part will be when Teresa says so Danielle, “Bitch I’m gonna pin you down.”  I can only hope she ends that sentence with, “…and make you do fabulous as I take your picture.”  Or perhaps it’s when Teresa gets two inches from Danielle’s spooktacular face and screams “Do NOT bring up my family!”  She says it in the same octave from when she flipped over the table and Barney Rubble had to hold her back and she was screaming something about going to her house to get a bl*w job.  You know, to this day I still have no idea what she said.

Although, some runners up are certainly going to be when Danielle takes out a dummy head wearing a wig.  I mean, point me in the direction of the website in which I can purchase one because my credit card has been paid off and I’m ready to charge.  Also, I think it’s going to be fun watching Andy Cohen get thrown down by Teresa like a little rag doll and also chase Jacqueline around the set like an episode of Tom and Jerry.  And no reunion show would be complete without Kim G, literally, wearing the same dress my sister wore to her junior prom in 1992.  This is too much.  This is all just too much.

Read More On: real housewives of new jersey

I Think Dina Lohan Looks Great With Brown Hair!

Join Me on Facebook and Let’s Get “Real Close”

Like a little kid in Disney World for the first time, I don’t even know where to start.  Danielle Staub (pronounced Staub) stopped by the Pix11 News, which apparently exists, and performed the new “da club” version of her battle hymn “Real Close.”  And what performance in a local news studio would be complete without a couple of dancers voguing while the music plays out of a portable radio?  At one point the two male dancers perform the lake scene from Dirty Dancing and then Danielle comes out of the smoke wearing a white “wife beater” that says, “Danielle’s Mafia.”  So basically this starts in the exact same way all of my nightmares have started the past 2 nights.  Interesting, yet not so.

Once Danielle starts singing my ears perk up with delight.  I’m thinking, “Is she rapping?  Is she talking?  Is she whispering?”  The answer to that is “yes” she is technically “whisrapking” which makes total sense to me.  As a sidenote, these dancers are great.  I’m almost certain it’s Ronnie and Pauly D from Jersey Shore and then the other one is the guy who’s friends with Sheree from Real Housewives of Atlanta.  To sum up, they’re the new Destiny’s Child.

Suddenly things take a turn (for the better) when Destiny’s Illegitimate Child picks up Danielle up over their heads and start to spin her around.  She is so friggin close to the set lights that we’re seconds away from a Michael Jackson/Pepsi Commercial/Fire incident.  I mean she’s close, real close and, yes, pun intended.  Whilst spinning all of a sudden Dina Lohan comes out and starts singing this as a duet.  I don’t care if it really is Lori Michaels, to me it’s seriously Dina Lohan with brown hair and I challenge anyone who disagrees with me to an old fashion duel.

Read More On: real housewives

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: From Clown to Clown and Matriarch to Matriarch, These “Woman” Are About to Have it Out. Fabulous!

Join Me on Facebook!

Well, well, well, it looks like our journey ends here.  We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we didn’t do much of anything else.  How is it already time for the season finale?  I’d like to thank Jesus Claus for bringing in new characters to my life like Kim G and Kim D.  I’d like to thank Santa Christ for that two-part trip to Italy.  I’d like to thank all of you for reading each and every week.  Also, this is basically how my Emmy Award acceptance speech will go when I win for “Best Loser Blogger Who Sits at Home and Watch Endless Hours of Reality TV and Then Writes About It.”  Anycrap, here’s what went down on the season finale of RHONJ:

• Teresa and Barney Rubble are having dinner over at the Foreclosure Palace for Caroline, Jacqueline, and their families.  Barney is showing about as much cleavage as Teresa is, while Teresa is wearing what I can only assume is her 1987 prom dress with one of the sleeves ripped off.  I’m sure somewhere in the house Milania has her head through that sleeve and is yelling “Fabulous!” into the mirror while Gia does splits on her bed and “the other one” goes through her moms desk to find her birth certificate to see who her actual parents are.
• Caroline, who’s looking more and more like Ma’am Papadopoulis each passing day, decides that she is going to text message Danielle in hopes of meeting her for a little get-together so she can stop this nonsense once and for all and see if shell drop the charges against Ashely/Meg Griffin.  Please, I hope Meg gets tossed in the slammer and has to fight an entire gang of prostitutes for cigarettes and mashed potatoes.  Well, at least that’s what my birthday wish was. Ole!
• Of course when Danielle receives this text message, that’s only 2 short little lines, she tries to read all these hidden messages into it.  When the message says, “I’d like to put an end to all this nonsense” Danielle freaks out and says, “I’d like to?  Oh, like SHE gets to decide?”  The crazy trickles down to the daughters.  Jillian says “Who would want to go?” and that only a crazy person would want to go meet Caroline, Danielle looks at her like she’s ready to give her up for adoption and, to be honest, I think Jillian would be ok with that.  As long as she can continue to sing “We are Sisters” I’m ok with it too.
• Danielle, whose eyebrows are for some reason shaped like a ski-jump and trying to escape her forehead by way of her nose in this episode, says that this meeting with Caroline will be “Matriarch to Matriarch.”  This is when I turned red with embarrassment, pulled down my pants, opened up a hardcover book, put my ding-a-ling in it, and then slammed it shut repeatedly until I passed out.  Luckily, I woke up when the commercial break ended.  Ironically I have a craving for Sonic and I never even had it before.
• Yay! Meg Griffin is back and she’s sporting her ratty, nasty, blue hat that must house hundreds of moths and smell like the basement of a church and/or the underside of Lohan’s weave.  They let Meg know that “Aunt” Caroline is going to chit-chat with Danielle so Meg needs to stop contacting Danielle, talking about Danielle, teasing Danielle online, etc.  Basically if Meg just went to school or had a full-time job like a normal 19 year old maybe she wouldn’t be so bored and have to think of “witty” comments to make about Danielle?  Just sayin’.  Damn it, Meg!
• Hey!  Even Danny made it into the season finale!  Que suerte!  Danny stops by Danielle’s dog-smellin’ house to show off his new Davy Jones haircut and sit on Danielle’s stairs while she cleans out her closet and throws away things like a coat, some bags, and (I’m not joking) “ball in a cup.”  She’s throwing away 2 of “ball in a cup” in fact.  I am very proud of myself that I spotted these two items. I feel like I should win a prize so I’m going to get another beer, one to drink and the other to put between my legs since that whole “slamming my honky tonk in a book until I passed out” from minutes ago.  I don’t want it to swell.  Or do I?  Da-da duuuuun!
• Danielle’s Word of the Season:  Proverbial
• Danielle’s Incorrect Use of a Word This Season:  Woman/Women.  This is where the producers should jump in and correct her.
• As Caroline puts on a face-full of makeup and picks out a nice dress for her confrontation with Danielle, Danielle calls her “energist” so she can give her “love and light” over the phone.  Seriously, how much does something like this cost?  Poor Jillian could probably get her braces off early if Danielle would stop wasting money on herself.  Love and light?  How about dollars and cents?  Hey-oh!
• Caroline drives herself to this confrontation, but Danielle decides to have one of her new “bodyguards” drive her in what I can only assume is a 1999 black Ford Focus while the other new “bodyguard” waits outside of the restaurant with a gun.  Because at the end of the day, Caroline might, she just might, do something bad enough during this conversation that requires her to be shot to death?  This is insanity.
• Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is at the Brownstone having dinner and waiting for Caroline to show up dead so they can identify her body.  Meg Griffin ends up sassing her mother (Lois?) in front of everyone and Jacqueline ends up having to yell at her.  This makes Meg leave in a huff and lock herself in the public bathroom.  I’m pretty sure this happened in a past episode of “The Fact’s of Life.”  I guess that also kind of makes her cousin Jerry.
• Well, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!  Danielle has arrived to the back room of the restaurant where Caroline is waiting for her dressed like she’s heading out to an inaugural dinner.  Danielle walks in like a robot and goes directly to her chair without really even looking at sweet Caroline (so good!  so good!  so good!).  The conversation actually starts out pretty civil.  Caroline is almost speaking at a whisper and Danielle is, so far, agreeing with what Caroline is saying.  I’m sorry, but is there any chance that Teresa can come running out from behind the wall screaming, “You’re being Punk’d, bitch!” and then flip over her table?  Damn it.  Maybe next season?
• Things start to get a little spicy when Caroline brings up the whole “Meg Griffin tried to kill you” situation and Danielle won’t back down from it.  Danielle lets us know that she never gave Caroline permission for her or her family to attack her.  This is when Caroline loses it a bit.  She wants to know 1 example where Caroline or her kids tried to attack Danielle.  When Danielle tries to change the subject Caroline is trying to force her to give her that 1 example.  Maybe they should try to fight each other with their bare breasts?  That usually solves problems, doesn’t it?  Well it does in the convent so I just assumed it would work in this situation as well.  Honestly, I have no idea what in the hell I’m talking about.  Maybe I was attacked by nuns when I little?  It’s likely.  I should look into that.
• After drudging up the past about Danielle going to the Brownstone with her entourage and them calling Caroline’s son “names,” and blah blah blah it actually gets a bit funny because Caroline says, “You know what you are?  A clown.  You’re a clown and your life is a joke.”  To which Danielle responds with, “Oh I’m the clown?  You’re saying this and you’re the one with the red hair and I’m the clown?”  I actually laughed at this.  Damn it I hate when Danielle makes me laugh.  These “woman” are crazy!
• Caroline fights back and says the one thing that, for some reason, makes Danielle as mad as a hornet with overly arched eyebrows, and that is, “And when I called you garbage I meant that you were garbage!”  This makes Danielle get up and leave the dinnerless confrontation.  Caroline lets Danielle know that she’s walking away from her and to have a nice life.  I think if Caroline had access to a bow and arrow she would use it.  Maybe the bodyguards and guns wasn’t such a bad idea?
• After Danielle leaves the restaurant and fills in Bodyguard #2 what happened (sidenote, he couldn’t give less of a sh*t), she has messages for the rest of the gang.  These heartfelt warm wishes include her thoughts that Joe is a drunk, Jacqueline is certifiable, and then a special shout out to Teresa and her daughters saying that, “When my girls were that age they were wearing lace and crinoline….my dogs wore leopard.”  Oh no she di’nt!
• In the end Caroline heads back to the Brownstone and fills in the gang on what went down.  Danielle brings her bodyguards home to show her daughters that she’s alive and she makes them thank the bodyguards for that.  Jillian gives one of them an awkward hug and I’m almost positive I heard her whisper in his ear, “Take me with you” or maybe she said, “Shoot the b*tch and I’ll say it was an accident.”

Well another season has come to an end.  Overall I thought it was decent.  I would have liked to see some more physical altercations but, you know, I’m a classless animal like that.  I am pumped for the 2-part reunion show over the next two weeks.  It’s like an extra little gift from Santa Christ.

“Fabulous!“   Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: real housewives of new jersey

Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki Figures Out Why There are So Many Lesbians in the United States

Fist Pump With Me on Facebook!

Better last than never.  Hey it was my birthday.  Cut me some slack.  And some ham.  Burp.  Here’s what went down last night on Jersey Shore:

• We pick things up right where left off with Ronnie being “drunk.”  He’s “drunk” just like the folks on Intervention who cut up pills, snort them, and heat up metal spoons with a lighter are “drunk.”  Look, I’ve been so many sheets to the wind that I’ve had a full on conversation with myself in the mirror before and, still, I have never been as “drunk” as Ronnie.
• Why are Grandpa Sitch’s sunglasses, in “da club” crooked and hanging off his face and halfway down his nose?  Am I that old that this is a new trend that I’m completely unaware of?
• After Snooki and JWoww ShamWow have a brief conversation about their (hurl) periods (bleach in ears), Snook’s decides to call her boyfriend Emilio (Estevez?), but he can’t hear a thing she’s saying because he’s out at his own “da club” and hanging with half naked girls who are, more than likely, more tan than Lil Kim and sporting eyebrows drawn in with a thin-tip Sharpie.
• Snooki is not only getting all political on our asses this season, but she’s also teaching us earth shattering concepts like, “Men don’t know how to deal with women…and that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.”  Really?  That’s why?  I always assumed it was because of the increase in lesbian talk-show hosts over the past decade.  Odd.  I’ll have to re-tally my numbers and get back to you.
• So I have a question?  How dumb is Sammi SweatStains?  Every time she asks the roommates if Ronnie is cheating on her they literally don’t answer her and look the other way.  At one point I’m pretty sure I heard crickets rolling their eyes.  At other point when she was asking I’m pretty sure she was leaning on Ronnie who was motorboating a stranger in Sammi’s bed and she still didn’t believe it.
• Minutes later Emilio called back to punk Snooki and let her know that he banged some girl tonight.  Odd how JWoww jumped up when she heard this in a way that really said, “It wasn’t me.  I was here the whole time.  You saw me here.  You can’t prove anything.  Do you have any ham?”  Why would he joke that he banged another girl when he didn’t?  Whatever happened to just sending flowers or, you know, telling a girl she’s not hot enough to get you aroused?  Eh, I guess I’m just old fashion and classy.
• Emilio calls back (again like a little b*tch) and when ShamWow answers the phone and starts yelling at him he confuses her with an answering machine.  This is actually a step up for ShamWow as most guys usually just confuse her for a f*cking machine.  Hey-oh!  Try the veal!
• Overplayed Quote of the Season:  “Do you.”  Enough.  None of you are Kid ‘n Play so stop this saying.  Immediately.  Do you.  Do you.  You know what?  Do reading.  Do math.  Do charity work.
• When Ronnie comes home at 6am Sammi decides to keep the fight from episode one going.  I’m over them.  They’re officially at Heidi and Spencer status right now.  Sidenote, Ronnie lets us know that Sammi shouldn’t test him because he doesn’t take tests and that’s why he never went to college.  Yeah, no.  I don’t think that’s the reason.  Colleges also don’t typically give out scholarships based on waxing patterns so, yeah, there’s that too.
• It’s so odd to see the girls eating at sushi restaurant.  I always pictured them eating spicy buffalo wings with their bare breasts.  And, by the way, Snooki is dressed to perfection with her yellow Ed Hardy bedazzled trucker hat and matching seizure pattern shirt.  I’m surprised the waitstaff didn’t think she was a friggin Harajuku girl.
• Grandpa Situation is making “Sunday Dinner” and suddenly this scene turns into an episode of I Love Lucy.  He drops the pans of sauce all over the kitchen floor, Snooki explodes a bottle of champagne which almost dented Pauly D’s hair, and then Grandpa Sitch knocks stuff out of the refrigerator.  I was waiting for JWoww to start wrestling with an old Italian woman stomping grapes with her feet and then, you know, going down on her.
• After dinner the whole gang decides to play a game of asking each other awkward questions, but not before all the girls literally dress up like street-walking-whores.  My crotch started to itch just looking at them and, well, not in the good way.  However, the quote of the night goes to Pauly D/Ellen Travolta when he tells Angelina that it looks like she’s wearing her luggage from last year.  Brilliant.  It makes me want to get a douche-bag blowout and hand over my keyboard to Pauly D for an episode or two.
• The questions during “family game night” consist of things like, “who’s cheated on their girlfriend/boyfriend in the past,” “Who is the president of IFF,” and “Which guy in the house would take a dump on Sammi’s chest.”  Duh, the obvious answer to that is JWoww.  I think she’d not only do Shasta McNasty on your chest but then she’d whip out her ding-dong and whiz all over you.  I believe that’s officially called the JWoww ShamPlow or “Special #4″ if you’re ordering online.  Tell ‘em Patrick sent you can get an additional 10% off.
• It’s another night out at one of the same 3 clubs they always go to and a switch flips and Ronnie is (shocker) “drunk” again.  Oh and he is fighting with Sammi SweatStains.  Sammi is taking a page from the Audrina Patridge script and repeating the whole, “I’m done, I’m done.  Seriously I’m done” scene that Oddy use to spew out about Justin Bobby.  Yawn.
• Ronnie is so “drunk” that Sammi has to help in out of “da club,” put him in “da cab,” and then get him into “da bed.”  Since they’re both a class act, Sammi puts a cooking pot next to his bed in case he vomits.  Of course, seconds later Ronnie somehow does a triple salchow off his bed and flips over and lands on the floor.  Of course he picks himself up and then falls head first into the wall.  At this point I’m fine with watching that 15 second scene on a loop for the remainder of this crapisode.  I could, however, give or take hearing Ronnie puke up his guts in the toilet.  Eh, at least he didn’t use the lobster pot.  I’m sure that’s reserved for middle of the night pisses anyway.
• Meanwhile, Snooki and JWoww (who I must admit I enjoy watching get into shenanigans together) head on out to an Internet Cafe to type up an anonymous letter to Sammi to let her know that Ronnie has been cheating on her.  Snooki informs us that in the letter they referenced the word “breasts” and she only calls them “t*ts,” so she thinks this means Sammi will never know the letter is coming from either herself or ShamWow.  Uh, I’m pretty sure the fact that it’s typed up and not hand-written in whore-red lipstick or crayons is enough to make Sammi never question if it’s from Snook’s or Sham’s.  As  a sidenote, I must say that I was very impressed with Snooki’s typing skills and speed.  She almost got all the words right.  This far exceed my expectations or her going the “hen peck” method of typing, but with her vag.
• In the end, the girls try to bully (systematic bullying) Angelina into taking part in this letter planting scheme.  Angelina is hesitant since she knows this will all end up being blamed on her when the shiz hits the fan.  I am pleasantly surprised that Angelina could put two and two together.  I am equally impressed that Angelina is not wearing her sunglasses in the house right now.  Also, Snooki’s “freakin’ poof” in the Miami humidity is starting to look like an Easter bonnet.  Go with God.
• Fist Pump With Me on Facebook!

Read More On: jersey shore recap

Happy Birthday to Me!

Even though I made a deal with Santa Christ and Jesus Claus (they’re two different people) that I would no longer age I have turned another year older.  Today in fact.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative that my birthday does fall on the same day that Jersey Shore is on.  I mean, I’m not an animal.  I have my priorities in life.

Not only do I turn a year older, but this here sh*t-bag blog has also recently had a birthday too.  IBBB has turned 4.  Is that insane?  No really, it is.  I’ve been spewing out nonsense for 4 years and, well, that’s sad and pathetic and sad.  It’s also pathetic.  Did I mention sad?  Sad.

So, as I prepare my “surprised face” when I walk into my surprise party at the Brownstone hosted by Tre, Barney Rubble, Harriet Carter, Bindi Irwin, Lindsay No Pants, Donna Martin (getting thrown down the stairs by Ray Pruit, of course), LC’s mustache, Snooki, Kim G, Milaini (yelling Fabulous!), Butch, Amber and Gary (Roseanne and Dan), Knockers del Toro, Joel McHale, Enzo, Erin Jo, Olivia, Joe Zee Messina, Kelly Cutrone, and the lady who yelled about chicken tetrazzini on Maury Povich, I will be taking the day off.

As my gift to you, please enjoy the original theme song from “Gimme a Break” sung by Nell Carter.  Spoiler Alert: When I blow out my birthday candles my wish is that Nell Carter would, of course, come back to life and sing this to me.

Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB

Read More On: celebrity gossip

Teen Mom Recap: How Do We Get the Easter Bunny on the Biggest Loser?

Join Me on Facebook!

It’s the Easter crapisode of Teen Mom and, well, clearly Jesus has risen because this is one great crapisode!  Here’s what went down last night on Teen Mom:

• Farrah - It’s Easter for Farrah and Sophia and while she’s busy putting rabbit ears on herself and Sophia I wonder what on earth Debra could be doing on a day like today.  Hmmm.  I wonder what she could be doing?  Oh wait a second, there she is.  She’s busy wearing a reflective vest and picking up trash on the side of the road all while a camera crew is following her.  Brilliant.  This is honestly always how I thought it would have gone if they ever came out with a “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas Part II:  Hard Times” and the Grinch got busted for stealing all those toys and was required to do community services.  It’s like my childhood dream has come to life and featuring my favorite little Who.  Anyway, Margaret Cho (the Jenny Bunny of Teen Mom) stops on by to visit Farrah and watch her vacuum up her curtains and almost burn the apartment to the God-damn ground.  I’m surprised she didn’t suck up Sophia while she was at it.  Also, I know there’s a “the carpet doesn’t match the drapes” joke in there somewhere I just haven’t found it yet.  Later, Farrah makes the decision to sell her Dodge Neon on Craigslist.  I’m sure this will go off without a hitch.  Within about 14 seconds she ends up selling her car for $5,000 and receives a check for $8,000 in which she must deposit immediately and then wire $3,000 of that to the “buyer” so she can have the car shipped.  Huh?  I’m sorry isn’t this one of those Nigerian scams in which they’re claiming that they’re sick on their death bed because their father is the King of Uganda and won’t let them marry their goat, but they’re still naming you in their will and will provide you with the sum of $22 million, but first you need to send them $3,000?  Yeah, like that.  How Farrah doesn’t get killed more is beyond me.  The next day, Farrah goes to get her current car detailed (inside and out) so it can be shipped soon since she just deposited her check and sent her “buyer” $3,000.  Oh, did I mention that she’s getting her car detailed during the same typhoon that almost wiped out the entire village in Karate Kid Part II?  Another great decision.  While at the car wash, Farrah realizes that she forgot diapers for sh*tty-bum Sophia and so she and Margaret Cho get some filthy rags from the car wash and then begin to wrap up Sophia in them.  She ends up looking like the friggin Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Why not just spray her ass with Armor-All, hang a green-tree car freshener from her arm, and call it a day?  Later we learn that this whole “car selling” business was a fraud and Farrah is out the $3,000.  Ruh-roh! Someone hide the knives because it might be time to go back to Debra’s house of horror!  Once Farrah realizes that she’s out the $3,000 I do start to feel really bad for her.  That sucks.  I mean, I didn’t know that people who weren’t 85 fell for these scams, but apparently they do.  That sucks.  Wait a second….why is she leaving Sophia on the big bed by herself?  Wait…why is she walking away?  Wait…why did she just leave the room?  Well, there you go.  Bam!  Sophia falls off the bed and onto the floor.  Nice catch, camera guy.  Seriously, why did no one in the production crew prevent this from happening?  Geesh.  I miss Debra.

• Maci - Again, Maci seems the most normal so she’s the most difficult to write about.  She seems like a good mother, takes good care of her Bint-Lee, comes from a nice family, and is just trying to finish school, balance life, and land herself a man.  I wish she were trashier but, alas, she’s not.  She ain’t (ai-not) no Amber, you know what I’m saying?  Anyavril,  Maci heads back out to Nashville to visit her friends in college and she brings Bint-Lee because, let’s face it, nothing makes guys want to hit on your more than when you have a toddler on your hip.  Plus, no boys in the dorm Maci!  Rules are rules.  Later on Kyle (where to begin) comes by to meet Bint-Lee for the very first time.  He should have brought him a toy or something.  Such a rookie mistake.  Bint-Lee is scared of Kyle, to say the least, but that may be because he looks a bit like Sloth from Goonies without the pointy head…..kinda…sorta…exactly.  Bint-Lee is seriously one cute kid.  It’s going to be sad when he needs a face transplant because Maci and Kyle took him go-kart racing and never strapped a helmet on him.  Safe.  He looks like he’s about to puke up Gerber while he rounded the turns going upwards of 155 mph.  So did Farrah give Maci these great parenting tips?  Why not just take him bungee jumping next?  In the end, Kyle changes Bint-Lee’s diaper.  Good for him.  I would have ran out of there so fast I would have left a Bugs Bunny-like cutout in the middle of the wall.  But, Kyle stays because he’s a better man than me.  Maci lets him know the rules of staying with her and being there for Bint-Lee and, well, this will all eventually piss off Ryan and I hope the cameras are rolling for that.

• Catelynn – We pick things up right where we left them last week which consists of Catelynn and Tyler fighting about ridiculous phone records and Catelynn calling her ex-boyfriend upwards of 6 times.  She tries to justify it by saying she called him 6 times, but only talked to him twice.  So basically she admitted to stalking him?  Am I following along with this right?  Later Tyler sends Catelynn some mean text messages and because “her mom is in a bad mood” she’s forced to call her counselor to talk things out and get advice.  A bad mood?  Uh oh, I think someone is facing some fierce meth withdrawals!  This is great.  The whole time Catelynn is on the phone her mom is bugging out in the kitchen, fidgeting, lurking, and at one point just staring at her with such a scary look that I actually made sure my front door was locked in case she was standing outside my apartment waiting to kill me.  However, most importantly she has on a t-shirt that says, “I’m not short…I’m fun sized.”  I mean, it’s like she bought this directly from the Harriet Carter catalog and is wearing it just for me!  Suddenly she dashes out of the room all creepily.  I’m sure they’re filming both Teen Mom and Intervention all at the same time.  I wonder if the camera crew is the same?  Two birds, one stone you know?  I also love looking in the background during these scenes to see what I can find.  This time I found some butch-looking lady in the living room smoking a cigarette and watching TV.  Who the hell is she?  And where is the real Butch?  This is like Where’s Waldo? for me.  The next day, Tyler and Catelynn head out to the adoption lady to see new pictures of Carly since she’s 1 years old now.  That must really suck for them, no?  Can it be healthy to keep doing this?  And I thought I had problems with blogging.  Perspective.  Once Tyler drops off Catelynn back at the set of Intervention, he won’t hug her and this makes Catelynn go back to the “ugly cry” which isn’t a good look for her…or anyone.  Plus I’m pretty sure that will make her braces rust.  Hugging leads to sex anyway and, well, no one needs that right now.  Actually.  What?  I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.  Are you new here?  I also love Tyler’s mom, clearly.  Even though in this scene she’s sans shoulder pads, not as permed, and her eyes aren’t bugged out because the sun is in them and she’s squinting I still love her.  That’s how I know it’s real love.  In the end Tyler and Catelynn make up via text message.  Did they just have make-up text?  Hey oh!  Finally, Tyler ends up polluting planet earth by ripping up Catelynn’s phone records and throwing them into the river.   He trusts her now and all is right with the world.  The only thing wrong right now is that Butch was nowhere to be found in this episode.  What a jip!

• Amber - Roseanne and Dan are back in Lanford after their extravagant engagement trip to Florida and Gary has a hunch that their house is going to stink when they walk in.  I say it’s a hunch, but it may be because he, himself, smells like a mix of Cheeto’s and failure.  That’s just my hunch.  It’s a free country, we all get to have hunches….not just Gar.  To their surprise the house doesn’t smell but they discover that they left the bathtub filled up the entire time they were in Florida.  Yum.  I just gave myself a tetanus shot.  The next day it’s Easter for the Connor’s and Gary is dressed up in an Easter Bunny costume.  You know he probably had to pay extra for the size, no?  This sh*t is priceless.  Gary, dressed as the Easter Bunny, is sweating, itching, starts to vogue (for some inexplicable reason), and then immediately needs to lay down (that’s a dead give away to Leah that the Easter Bunny is her daddy).  They end up driving to his mom’s house in his Easter Bunny costume, but I’m sure they’ll be stopping by the mall so Gar can punch-in and have some kids sit on his lap and have pictures taken.  Perv.  Anyhop, this Easter dinner is one for the records books.  I can’t even.  I never knew Gary had a brother, but he does and, well, he needs his own show and/or we’ll soon see him on an episode of COPS.  Amber lets everyone know that they’re engaged…again…for the third time and no one even bats an eye.  She explains that she’s “busy planning the wedding” (Cracker Barrel/table-cloth wedding dress/flowers stolen from a cemetery/stuffed animals as bridesmaids/boom box for the DJ/sparkling cider toast/honeymoon at the Comfort Inn) and will help pay for them to all come to Florida and stay with her parents.  That must have been the PeeWee Herman secret word of the day because Gary’s brother freaks the F out and says he won’t go and won’t stay with her family.  Per usual, Amber gets pissed off, starts yelling, and ends up walking home and leaving Leah with Gary and his family.  You totally know they all view Amber as the “rich bitch in-law” now that she has MTV Teen Mom money.  A fight begins between Gary and Amber (shocker) and they get “un-engaged” for the 4th time.  Gary comes home and starts to pack up his stuff, which probably consists of too-tight t-shirts and Pop Tarts, after Amber kicks him out.  I’m sure he’ll head off to the Lobo for some beers with Booker.  The next day Gary comes back to say sorry and Amber has her “end of the episode” break-down, but still they try to work things out.  Gary needs to be careful with all this stress because, as we know, at the end of Roseann Dan died from a major heart attack.  Amber, on the other hand, is looking really good by the way.  She’s lost a ton of weight.  I hope she’s not playing “hide the toothbrush.”  Eh, such is life.

Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: teen mom recap

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Joe Throws an Absolute Fit

Join Me on Facebook!

• Well we’re finally getting off the SS Guidette and Joe/Barney Rubble must have forgotten to take his Flintstone’s chewables and wash them down with a big glass of milk because he is throwing one of the best temper tantrums we’ve seen in a while.  Everyone else left their luggage in their rooms, but Barney and Teresa are going to take all their luggage with them, even if that means that little Milani (ugh) has to wheel out her own luggage and then collapse against the wall and start doing that cry when no noise comes out because, well, she did and that scene actually happened.
• Barney is knocking over garbage cans, swearing up a storm, and awkwardly carrying a carriage down the stairs like he’s just done fresh boom boom in his underoos and doesn’t like the feeling.  After hearing a few, “I don’t care, Tre” I think someone needs to hug his Glow-worm, have a book read to him, and take a little cat nap.  Me-ow!
• In “What School Allowed Teresa to Graduate” News:  While on the bus and looking out at Mr Vesuvius, Teresa lets us know that it erupted hundreds and hundreds of years ago….or 60 years ago.  She’s can’t remember.  Although I have to give her credit for even being alert right since the bus is complete chaos.  Had there been some left over rope from tying up the suitcases I’m pretty sure we’d see Caroline hanging from the ceiling of the bus.  She looks horrified, disgusted, and like she’s about to pull a Louise Woodward on the little one sitting up front.
• So when did Milania turn into God-damn Sam Kinison?  Ever time she screams with that scraggly voice all I hear is “Oh oh ohhhhhhhh!”  I want her to take a DNA to prove that Roseanne Barr and Sam Kinison are not her biological parents.
• Once we arrive to the new hotel the girls are fascinated by the Bidet in the bathroom.  I’m squealing with delight inside because I know he’s going to say it.  I just know it.  He is.  And in 3…2….1…..Barney says about the Bidet, “…they don’t even use ‘em in America anymore.  They’re like douches.”  Fabulous! Yes, please toss the girls into the Doucherator 3000 and call it a day.  Teresa has no need for a Bidet as her vaginastein typically smells like the floral express and she pisses out leopard print bows for her daughters on the regular.
• Meanwhile back in Creepyville, Danielle is talking to her daughters about the search for her birth mom (who I already think is Kim G, but that’s another story for another time).  Per usual her kids look like they’re zoning out and plotting the cutest little murder-suicide money can buy.  At the end of their conversation Danielle puts out her fist and says, “Wanna explode it?”  Gross.  The last time we heard a line like that, Danielle was making a sex-tape and parading around her bedroom with her coochella hanging out.
• Back in It’ly, Barney is talking about where his grandmother lives (all while wearing a Burberry scarf) and the way he makes it sound I’m pretty sure she lives in a town made of Lego’s and Capicola (sliced thin).  I kind of can’t wait to see where this is as I, like Teresa, never paid attention during Social Studies.  Or is is “payed” attention?  Maybe I didn’t follow along during English class either.  Wait a second, am I from Patterson too?  Help!
• Danielle needs to stop saying “Panini?”  It’s like she’s getting commission every time she says Panini.  Danielle and Danny head out to get a Panini in Franklin Lakes while the rest of the gang is out of the country.  Danielle feels safer with them not there as she thinks they would attack her in the parking lot and/or with a Panini maker.  Panini.  Oh, and Panini.
• Barney is having another temper tantrum, but this time it’s in the bus and it’s about all the money they spent in the hotel the night before.  He can’t believe they spent $2200 on drinks and $1,000 on breakfast.  Sounds like someone is telling tall tales.  Everyone is getting pissed that Barney is b*tching about money, but I think it’s helpful to see what $11 million in debt can do to you.  It’s like watching a financial planning class in action.  Beyond all the money they spent on food and drinks he should have also recognized that they also spent $5,000 on hair bows for the girls.  Well, at least he’s not going to sh*t those out once he gets off the bus.
• The whole gang is at the village where Barney’s grandmother lives and Teresa’s family lives (just north of Bedrock) and, honestly, it looks awesome there.  Sure they had to hike up a mountain and Milania was so out of breath that she almost couldn’t even do “fabulous!“…I said almost.  It was nice that they all got to see their family.  Fine, it was a nice moment.  I said it.  You happy now?  See what you’ve made me do?  I just got un-funny.  I lost all my funny by being nice.  Now I’m going to have to make a lay-up joke about Gabriella getting stuck in the Bidet just to make up for it.
• Meanwhile, Danielle is meeting with the private investigator in the basement of his home (creepy) to try and track down her birth mom.  The only information that she has on her mom is that she was Italian and apparently had a vag.  Good luck.  That narrows it down to about48 different states.  I’m sure this will be like shooting fish in a barrel.  I’m over this storyline.  Get crazy or go the hell home.
• So I want to move to Italy.  Everyone seems to happy there.  We are so miserable in “The America” and yes I’m talking to you.  I want to live on a mountain in a house made out of rocks with views of other mountains and I want to wave to people across the mountain as they stand on their balcony.  Maybe I’ll blog about the people in the neighborhood instead of watching TV shows and recapping them?  I think I’ll be sure to not learn Italian as it will make my experience more awkward and, well, I like awkward.
• They continue on their neighborhood tour all while pushing a jug of wine in a baby carriage and Barney is just walking around with a cup of wine like he’s on Ocean Drive in South Beach.  I have to say, I like a druken Barney rather than a sober Barney.  It should be like this all the time.
• Oh dear Jesus.  It’s the last dinner on the last night and Teresa has all her girls dressed in custom-made “costumes?  I have no idea.  They might be extra’s in a play.  All I know is that they look like if Precious Moment were to come to life, have rabies, and then try to eat my face in my sleep.  I will, for sure, have nightmares of this for years to come.  Salud!
• In the end everyone makes it home and Sam Kinison doesn’t want to be home.  We know this because she’s screaming it.  Don’t worry sweetie, you won’t be in that home for much longer.  “Fabulous!“

Next week Caroline has a sit-down meeting with Danielle.  Did we know this was going to happen?  I didn’t.  I don’t even remember seeing it in the previews at the beginning of the season.  This should be good and by “should” I mean “better be” because this is the last episode of the season.  I’m saddened by this.  See what Italy has done to me!?  Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: real housewives of new jersey

Jersey Shore Recap: The Tooth Fairy is Dead So Let’s Celebrate With Chicken Cutlets in the Hot Tub!

Join Me on Facebook!

Jersey Shore recap time!  It’s like Christmas comes once a week when JS is on.  I’m liking the season so far, but am a little disappointed that more people aren’t beating the bag out of each other on the regular.  Hopefully we’ll get to that soon.  Meanwhile, here’s what went down last night on Jersey Shore:

• We get to relive the slow-motion-half-slap heard around the juice head world when Angelina Trash Bags “attacks” Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  I will, more than likely, drink a bottle of wine and then reenact this scene with my collection of Troll Dolls later.  I’ll let you know how it goes. Spoiler Alert:  Not well.
• Anygarbagedisposal, the sounds of Pauly D screaming at Angelina wakes up Sleeping Beauty (JWoww ShamWow) from a peaceful and dainty slumber.  She drags her weave out of bed and looks like she just crawled out of a dumpster…after having sex in it…with a homeless dude….and his three kids….who are all on heroine….and blind….and armless….and rely on a seeing-eye dog…who is also on heroine…whom JWoww also banged.  So yeah, like that.  ShamWow lets Angelina know that if she wasn’t drunk she’d be beating her ass right now.
• Ok here’s why I start to like Angelina.  She is so drunk that she doesn’t remember even hitting Pauly D from 3 minutes ago.  In fact, she starts talking about some chick at “da club” who may have hit him.  Oh, and she’s slurring too.  These are attractive qualities to me.  Is that bad?  Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.  Toss in the fact that she’s stumbling around the yard with her sunglasses on like Mr. Magoo and I think I’m in love.  Ok, I’m over her.
• Why the hell are they working at a gelato shop?  More importantly how is it legal that JWoww has to wear a black t-shirt where her rack-attack can’t be seen or heard from?  Plus, it just doesn’t make sense in regards to efficiency. If her rack was hanging out she could stick an ice-cream cone in there while scooping the next.  Duh.
• So, yeah.  Um.  Er.  Vinny needs a haircut and is talking about getting a “tape up” which I’m learning is some kind of haircut.  He finds a barber and says that if they can cut a “black persons hair then they can cut his hair.”  Next thing you know he’s saying how they’re in the hood and in the ghetto.  Ouch.  Someone is going to take issue with this and, similar to the Grinch, I wouldn’t touch this with a thirty nine and a half foot pole.
• Oh, and Ronnie gets his haircut there too which is just basically shaved on the sides and then feathered on the top, perfect for when you’re on a meth binge and just want a quick “wash-n-go.”
• On a very special Jersey Shore: Grandpa Situation rounds up the entire group to talk about giving Angelina another chance.  They all just want Angelina to admit that she’s talked about them in the past and then they can move on.  This is, perhaps, the most civil thing we’ve ever witnessed on the Jersey Shore.  Quick, someone hit someone!
• Everyone gets ready to go out for the night and this is usually my favorite part of the episode because, like watching an animal episode of National Geographics, we get to see them all in their natural habitat.  Spraying themselves with Axe, AquaNet, and pushing up their boobs is clearly their mating ritual.  Snooki is in her typical Snooki attire which consists of a leopard dress, her boobs pushed up to her chin, and her “freakin poof” standing as high as an elephants eye.  JWoww ShamWow is rockin’ her famous cut out shirt with her boobs peaking out the middle, top, bottom, front, and sides.  Basically it’s like her shirt is a curtain and her boobs are ready to take a bow.  Both Snooki and JWoww may or may not be in their own official Halloween costumes of 2010.
• At “da club” everyone is drunk and Snooki has a boob to boob heart to heart with Angelina about admitting that she talked sh*t about her in the past.  Angelina admits to this so that they could move forward.  She then admits the same thing to ShamWow.  They’re all so happy that Angelina admits this and they can now be friends again.  Why don’t they care that she, you know, talked sh*t about them?  I don’t even know what she said and I’m pissed.  Well I’m not so much pissed as I am buzzed.  Basically when they’re at “da club” I like to have some drinks too so that I feel like I’m hanging out with them.  That’s normal, right?
• Why do they keep saying that Ronnie is “drunk?”  That’s not drunk, kiddies, that’s Ecstasy (allegedly).  They’re all like, “Ronnie is such a different person now when he’s drunk.”  Well that’s because the cocaine in the Ecstasy makes you do crazy things.  Ronnie is now at the point where he’s basically doing the Charlie Brown dance moves all while looking up at the sky like he sees Jesus Himself (yeah I capitalized “Himself.”  I went to Catholic school.  I know what’s up).  I have to be honest, I’m loving watching Ronnie’s audition tape for Intervention.  I can’t wait until he and Candy Finnegan are in the same room together.  Your hard-parting ways have negatively affected me in the following ways…
• Ronnie calls Sammi SweatStains a b*tch and tells her to go home.  Once she does Ronnie starts “creepin’” and Snooki witnesses the whole thing.  She confronts Ronnie and he tells her that the whole time Sammi was going, and I quote, “Na na na na.  Ma ma ma ma.”  Ok.  Yup.  Wow.  So basically Ronnie just signaled and al qaeda attack.  It’s official.  Us infidels are going to die.   Thanks Ron.
• Later Snooki double checks if Ronnie really wants to be dancing with some other girl and he pushes her out of the way.  Oh no he didn’t!  Oh yes he did.  Grandpa Situation and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta step in and literally carry Ronnie out of “da club” in put him in “da cab.”  Ain’t (ai-not) no one gonna push my Snooki!  Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed!  Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed!  I’m going to make this into the new “Donna Martin Graduates!”
• In Horrible Tooth Fairy News:  Grandpa Sitch can’t believe that Ronnie hooks up with girls at “da club” and then comes back and sleeps with Sammi SweatStains.  He says, “I think Sammi has an idea but doesn’t want to believe it.  It goes back to the day when you thought the Tooth Fairy was, you know, alive.”  Wait what?  Wait what?  So you’re saying the Tooth Fairy has passed away?  What?  When?  I need a minute.  I’m going to need a minute.  Answer me this then, if the Tooth Fairy isn’t alive anymore who’s been leaving money under my pillow and, more importantly, why are my teeth still falling out as an adult?
• I love a drunk Snooki.  I really do.  Snooki is stumbling around the house and goes to call her boyfriend.  She’s slurring and making no sense.  Plus, she’s hiccuping constantly.  Vinny is passed out on the chair but wakes up when he hears Snooki hiccuping.  This is the Snooki I love the best.  She can’t even get her full sentence out to her boyfriend on the phone and it’s cracking me up.  I want to put Snooki in my front pocket and just bring her with me everywhere I go.  Like to the bathroom and Dunkin Donuts because, you know, I’m a class act.  Snooki ends up knocking the entire phone table over, hangs up on her boyfriend, and then gets into bed with Vinny.  The best part is that Snooki asks Vinny if he wants to f*ck, he says “sure” and then she turns over burps in his face and laughs.  THIS is the Jersey Shore that I love.  THIS is also the reason why most other countries hate us, but that’s another story for another time.
• New Acronym Alert:  Here we go again.  Now we learn what MVP stands for.  Mike, Vinny, Pauly.  MVP.  So now we have MVP, GTL, IFF, GFF, MIA.  Anything else?  Seriously, I need Rosetta Stone for this crap.
• The guys want to have an MVP night and Angelina wants to go so badly and, well they don’t want her to go.  So, they literally wait until she turns her head the other way and then they all run out of the door, up the street, and ditch her.  I’ve seen Bugs Bunny have a harder time trying to ditch Elmer Fudd than they just did with Angelina.  Brilliant.
• After the guys are done at “da club” which is filled with “grenades” (see? I’m learning) they bring back some real skanks to the house.  I mean, if you’re a girl and you run into these guys while you’re out drinking….and then they bring you back to the house…and then you signs a waiver saying you’re allowing your face to be show on national television, you know you’re a classy chick who makes good decisions.
• While in the hot tub with the “girls”  one of the girls fake boobs that you stuff in a bra falls out and is now floating in the hot tub.  Great, now even that has syphilis.  To keep things completely normal, the guys start playing catch with it for a few minutes before they give these grenades some towels and send them on their way so that they can live out the rest of their lives being known as “the girls who were in the hot tub on Jersey Shore with the fake boob floating around and being called grenades behind their back.”  What a wonderful title.  It’s going to really make their resume pop!
• The “next day” at the gelato shop Snooki, JWoww, and Grandpa Sitch all are working.  JWoww can’t believe that she’s not allowed to wear her own Ed Hardy bedazzled trucker hat with jewels and gold chains hanging off of it.  That’s surprising.  What store owner wouldn’t allow that?  I mean that hat was so friggin busy I started having seizures in my living room just looking at it.
• Snooki, on the other hand, is too short to see over the counter (and I’m not joking) so they have to give her a stool just so she can see the customers.  She calls herself a Smurf and that makes me love her even more.  Move over Smurfette because we have a new head b*tch in charge who’s happily named Guidette.  Seriously, the fact that I never thought of that connection before makes me a little sad.
• Grandpa Sitch decides to take his shirt off and stand in front of the store to get some customers.  Yup, no one comes in.  So Snooki is bored and decides to mount the giant statue “camel/dog” and she ends up hurting her vagina and probably re-busting her hymen.  All in a days work.
• In the end, Sammi SweatStains gets pissed off at Ronnie for deciding to go to “da club” with the guys instead of staying home with her and cuddling.  Go figure.  Also, two things we forgot to discuss.  (1) Why do they only go to the same 2 clubs every night? And (2) why does Ronnie always call Snooki “Shhnooki?”  Discuss.

Next week Snooki and JWoww are struggling with the decision of telling Sammi SweatStains that Ronnie is cheating so they decide to write her an anonymous letter.  Can’t. Wait.   Join Me on Facebook!

Tweet

Read More On: jersey shore recap

Teen Mom Recap: Step Right Up! Step Right Up! Come See the World’s Worst Marriage Proposal!

Join Me on Facebook!

Catelynn – I used to love Catelynn and Tyler because they seemed the most normal with a great giant forehead head on their shoulders, but lately they’re turning into little mini April and Butch.  By the way is her mom’s name April?  I think it is.  Anyway, it’s Catelynn’s birthday so, of course, everyone heads out to celebrate at the local (gulp) roller-rink.  Honestly, I caught lice just watching them skate.  Butch braided his rat-tail and then gelled it for such a nice occasion and, sadly, I’m not joking.  Similar to when there was the crisis in Haiti, I think MTV should keep an 800 number flashing at the bottom of the screen so I know where I can make donations because, well, I would.  I really would.  Later Tyler thinks they should go to counseling because he claims Catelynn has a “wall up.”  I think he meant “braces.”  She has her “braces up.”  There’s a difference.  When did Tyler and Catelynn turn into Heidi and Spencer with their therapy storyline?  Can’t we just see more of Butch?  Butch riding a lawnmower while drinking a Natty-Lite? Butch chasing squirrels?  Butch putting an oversized satellite dish on the roof of his trailer? You know, the usual. They finally end up going to see the therapist who I’m pretty sure is actually Tyler’s mom with her permed bangs matted down and her eyes taped shut.  If it wasn’t for a lack of shoulder-pad I would have requested a DNA.  Once again, just when I’m pleased with the amount of “making fun” I’ve done we learn that Catelynn’s mom is a recovering alcoholic and used to make Catelynn lie for her, which explains why Catelynn may have been lying about her random ex-boyfriend in Florida.  Honestly was it just me, but I was relieved that her mom was only a recovering alcoholic because I had my money on the fact that I was convinced she was a meth face?  Maybe she is, but they’re cleaning it up for TV?  In the end, Tyler keeps talking about seeing Catelynn’s phone records so that he can finally get over not trusting her.  I assumed “phone records” was code for “knockers” but, no, he really means phone records.  In fact, he won’t stop staying “phone records.”   He keeps asking her if he can have permission to get her phone records.  So, uh, is there a “phone records” store in the South that I don’t know about where you can just go and look at phone records if you have a permission slip or something?  Good luck to these two.  I’m thinking Catelynn is going to need to get knocked up again if she wants to get renewed for next season.

Farrah – Whomp whomp!  Enter Farrah.  Times are still tough for Farrah who is fighting her mom off with one hand and making pizza’s for a living with the other free hand.  Since she has no money she is randomly getting the state to pay for her babysitting until the issue with her mom is resolved.  Uh.  Ok.  Uh-oh.  Oh no.  Yowza.  Wow.  Ouch.  Farrah drops off baby Sophia at the “babysitter” who I believe lives in a crack-den and is old enough to have arrived to America on the Santa Maria.  Maybe it was the Pinta.  I’ll have to look into that.  There is no doubt in my mind this old woman is going to sell Sophia into the black-market.  Bon voyage, Sophia!  Farrah ends up seeing her lawyer and learns that the deal they have come up with for Debra is basically to go to anger management for the assault and then basically do 10 hours of community service for trying to kill a police officer with two butcher knives.  Howie, NO DEAL! is what I would say.  Farrah’s mom thinks she shouldn’t have to plead guilty because she was acting in self defense since Farrah was “pounding on her and tries to break her finger.”  Seriously, this must be such a scandal in Who-ville.  Farrah and her mom meet at some random place where all that’s in the room in a table, two chairs, and some books on a shelf.  Quaint.  Per usual Farrah is being a big b*tch to her mom and is going Kristen Cavallari all over Debra-Sue Who.  As if things can’t get more awkward during this meeting, Debra whips out Farrah’s baby book and starts reading from it.  I, of course, turn red with embarrassment.  Does she just carry this book around with her at all times?  Odd.  Farrah decides she wants no relationship with Debra-Sue Who and DSW wishes Farrah good luck with her life.  Um, she doesn’t need luck.  She makes pizza part-time for a living.  She’ll be fine.  In the end, Farrah gets ready in a public bathroom with her friend, who I believe is Margaret Cho, and they head out for a strange girls night out.  Is it just me or does her friends voice mimic Farrah’s?  It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Perhaps everyone in their town sounds like that.  I need to know where they live so I can definitely cross it off the map.  On the plus side, another episode complete with Farrah not accidentally killing Sophia or getting her kidnapped.  Put up a W.

Maci – Father of the Year, Ryan, has Bint-Lee for the weekend so Maci is gassing up a rental car, because her her two-toned car died from the red eating the black, and heading out to Nashville to see her friends in college.  They want to know if she’s already kissed Kyle (the dude she likes).  Do they even need to ask?  She had a kid when she was 16.  Let’s just assume she went down on him on the car ride home from their first date.  Once the weekend is over Maci goes to Ryan’s to pick up Bint-Lee and I think Ryan is racing bikes or some junk.  I have no idea.  All I know is that it looks like I’m witnessing a scene out of an Avril Lavigne video circa 1999.  Now when exactly did Maci’s forehead get so big?  Between her forehead and Catelynn’s forehead I’m thinking we should start funding a study to determine forehead size to teen birth rate.  Maci’s friend, Debbie Downs, stops by to talk about Kyle.  At the same time Bint-Lee is just about to fall down the F’n stairs because someone forgot to put the gate up.  Seriously, why do all kids love trying to fall down the stairs.  It’s like a sport for them.  I mean, I guess it’s fun.  I don’t know.  I’m old fashioned.  I like sitting.  Later at night Bint-Lee is screaming is head off and can’t sleep.  Perhaps it’s because there’s a camera crew in his room point all their equipment at his crib.  Just a guess.  We learn that Maci is trying to get Bint-Lee to stop using his pacifier, which is why he’s blowing a gasket.  Although I want to drink bleach while Maci instructs Ryan not to give Bint-Lee a pacifier because she keeps calling it a “passie.”  Hey y’all don’t give Bint-Lee a passie, ok y’all?  This is why I won’t have children of my own.  Dumb made up names.  While Ryan has Bint-Lee the poor kid falls off the couch and smashes his face off the glass coffee table.  Ouch.  So Ryan’s new girlfriend gives Bint-Lee his “passie” to calm down.  Ruh-roh!  White Tyra is not going to like this one bit!  In the end, Kyle comes by Maci’s house to surprise her.  So, uh, Kyle’s an albino cartoon bulldog, yes?

Amber – Just when you thought the chance had passed I went and saved the best for last.  It’s Amber and Gary time!  Amber and Gary time!  Amber and Gary time!  Wait a second.  Puke.  Why in the holy hell is Gary walking around with his (hurl) shirt off?  Come on, they need to put up a warning before they show something like that.   I was eating for Christs sakes.  As a sidenote, I guess we learn who’s been breastfeeding Leah.  Amber and Gary take Leah to a candy store where she basically declares Jihad on the place and they allow her to walk all over the store, without watching her, and  knock sh*t off the shelves, etc.  The employees look pissed.  Gary decides that since he’s not working and they have no money they should totally go on vacation!  Makes sense.  Nothing says, “let’s save money” like taking a trip.  They’re leaving Lanford and a taking  16 hour ride to Florida and will be staying with Amber’s uncle.  In the car is Leah, Gary, Amber, and Amber’s dad.  I can’t even.  Leah is screaming the whole time.  I wonder why she doesn’t want to stay strapped in a car seat for 16 hours? Odd.  Also, is Amber’s dad on the run from the law?  Is that why he’s on this trip?  As another sidenote, why do poor people always wear oversized clothes?  You’d assume they’d wear smaller, but maybe that’s just because they keep their clothes longer and they get bigger over time?  I’m not sure.  That’s one for the great philosophers.  All I’m saying is that I’m seeing a pattern.  Anyway, so they arrive in Florida and meet up with Amber’s uncle and his wife.  So, yeah.  Amber’s uncle is the dude from Penn and Teller, right?  Her uncle is talking to Gary about getting married to Amber and thinks he should pop the question here in Florida.  He says it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have the money…or ring…or a job…or have his family here.  It all makes sense to me!  Clearly all the signs are pointing in the right direction.  The next day Roseanne and Dan take Darlene to the beach and she is freaking the F out.  Maybe it’s because it’s 100 degrees out and they don’t have her in any form of shade?  Perhaps.  They end up, literally, dragging her off the beach.  All I can say is thank Jesus Claus that Gary kept his shirt on while at the beach.  I’m still having horrific Vietnam flashbacks from the beginning of the crapisode.  At night they end up leaving Leah with the aunt and uncle so they can have a nice out on the town which consists of Amber dancing sexy to bad music.  I am so embarrassed right now I can’t even tell you.  I actually looked away from my TV because Amber won’t stop “dancing sexy.”  At least we know how she got pregnant in the first place.  Gary, on the other hand, can’t dance because of his sneakers.  Oh, and his obesity.  The next night they go out again and are wearing the exact same clothes.  Fine, I won’t judge.  We’ve all done that before.  We have, right?  Right?  Riiiight?  So this is the worst marriage proposal ever.  Basically, Amber tells Gary to propose and then when he does she tells him he’s doing it wrong.  I guess it’s an issue between him saying “can you” and “will you.”  All I know is that now Gar is down on one knee (which is a feat in itself) and they are fighting.  He basically ends up saying “are you going to do this?” and Amber basically responds with “fine, I’ll marry you.”  To no surprise they’re re-purposing that damn ring she already has on for the 15th time.  How these two trash bags have now officially been engaged 3 times and I haven’t been even once is horrific.  Oh wait, that’s karma.  Ohhhhh.  I get how that works now.  I guess I should try to be nicer moving forward.  I thought about it and I say…..NO DEAL, Howie!

Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: teen mom recap

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Italian Cruise from Hell. Where’s Chanels?

Buon natale, Dominic the Donkey, and chicken parmigiana!  Those are all ways to say “welcome” in Italian, I believe.  Fasten up your bedazzled seat belts because the crew is heading to Italy and from the first scene to the last scene this crapisode is an absolute sh*t show and every minute is worth watching.  Who knew the show could be carried on other shoulders besides Danielle’s?!  Here’s what went down, like the Titanic, last night on RHONJ:

Join Me on Facebook!

• Liar liar, Barney Rubble animal dress/pants on fire!  Within the first 10 seconds we are made aware that Joe/Barney Rubble had flipped is car over at 2:30 in the morning and so it only makes sense, now, that he’s ready to tell his side of the story to Jacqueline and her husband all whilst they are drinking…wait for it….wait for it….wine.
• We get to see the picture of the wrecked/flipped over truck thanks to the magic of TMZ who, like Visa, are everywhere and Barney starts telling tall tales of how he “wasn’t” drinking, but “doing a big yawn” and next thing you know he took down four trees and flipped the car.  First off I’m sure he didn’t see the trees because the phone-book he has to sit on just to see over the steering wheel probably slipped out from under him.  Second of all Teresa can’t believe he was able to get himself out of the car.  I mean, really?  He’s pocket-sized.  He could have slipped through the sun-roof, the side window, or the vents.  The possibilities are endless.  We should just be lucky he didn’t get stuck inside the ashtray.
• Here’s where we take an even sharper left turn during Barney’s side of the story.  Apparently when he got out of the car he realized he was in front of his fathers friends house so he went in, called the police, and then had 4 shots before the police got there and, therefore, failed the breathalyzer.  Really Barney?  Really?  That’s the story you’re sticking to?  You should have just when the car hit the tree a bottle of vodka fell from the branches, shattered over your head, and dripped into your mouth.
• Oh, and while all this is going on Danielle is at her favorite diner that we see her in 6-times per crapisode having coffee and smoothies with 80’s Danny and learning that Joe was arrested for DWI or DUI (whatever the difference is).  All I know is that Danielle thinks it’s sick that Joe drove drunk when he has enough money to “call cab.”  Did you guys hear that by the way?  She didn’t say “call a cab” she said “call cab.”  What he couldn’t “call cab?”  She should have said, “And none of these woman could call cab?”  Seriously, how’s your 4th grade education?
• As a sidenote, you totally know that Barney wrecked his car just in an attempt to finally be done once and for all with the $11 million in debt, Teresa’s stupidity, and Milania shouting “fabulous!” until the cows come home.
• The “next day” Teresa, Caroline, and Horsey McJacqueline all scriptedly decide to go to Italy!  Oh, and the plane leaves tomorrow.  Time to pack!
• Not only are the immediate families going, but so are the grandparents and all the screaming kids.  I think it’s great they’re all going to Italy as it will help them find new and innovative ways to place gold furniture, crystal lamps, and other gaudy decorations into their homes.  They’re can never be enough gold and crystal if you ask me.
• Teresa and Barney tease the girls and tell them they can’t go on the trip, to which they all start doing the ugliest of cries.  Yuck.  I’m in the process of tying my ding-dong into a knot as to make sure I don’t ever end up having little brats like that.
• Teresa informs us that the last time she was in Milan she was pregnant with Milania and that’s how she got the name she has.  Interesting.  Thank God she wasn’t in Patterson while she was pregnant or this could have turned out completely different.
• Everyone and their mother is going on this trip (literally) except for Meg Griffin.  Damn it, Meg.  Jacqueline says Meg has to stay home so she can work towards paying her attorney fees from that whole Danielle situation, but I’m pretty sure no one wants Meg to go anyway.  I’m sure they just told her she was a flight risk.  Anyway, now she can stay in the mansion herself and probably get herself pregnant.  Fingers (not legs) crossed!
• Dear sweet baby Jesus.  This trip looks like an absolute nightmare.  There are 20 people going and everyone is friggin yelling when they talk.  It’s like listening to the house-guests from Big Brother screaming in the diary room.
• As everyone meets at Teresa’s house they start by drinking some wine and next thing you know we hear a crash in the other room.   Personally I was hoping Gia feel out the God damn window, but apparently a human-sized vase broke.  Teresa is yelling at the girls to find out “who did this!” and that’s when Jacqueline’s mother came forward to admit she missed the step and fell into the vase causing it to fall over and crash into a million pieces.  Awkward.  My money is on the fact that I’m thinking she tried to hide in the vase so she wouldn’t have to go on this god-forsaken trip.  More importantly, how come there was no other furniture in that room except the vase?  They probably use it as Gia’s acting/modeling studio. Ahhh, Derek!
• They all finally make it to Italy and their first stop is Venice.  With the 20 of them running in different directions it’s like a tornado just touched down in Venice. The first thing they all do is take a gondola ride (or “gon-dolla” as my mom likes to say).  Teresa and her family are in their own gondola and the girls, for some inexplicable reason, are dressed like freakin mice.  No joke they’re in fur from head to toe and I’m pretty sure the littlest one had rabies.  Barney, the genius that he is, lets us all know that in Venice their cars are boats.  Yup.  Crickets, crickets, crickets.  Just try not to flip this boat over, ok Rubble?  Bam Bam won’t be here this time to flip the boat off you and save you.
• Well.  There you have it.  As Milania is standing up on the gondola ready to fall fur-hat-first into the water Teresa says it.  She says that magical phrase that plays over and over in my head as I try to fall asleep each night.  All of a sudden out comes, “Milani, do fabulous” and then we hear “fabulous!” as the picture is being taken.  I literally yelled “Oh F you” at my television and, well, now I feel like I should call a therapist because that’s not a normal reaction.  And, not for nothing, where’s Peta with their bucket of paint when you need them?!
• Um.  Ah.  Er.  What’s “Chanels?”  Teresa is on a mad mission to find Chanel and Barney keeps saying, “Who cares about Chanels.”  And also, “Shes gottsa goes finds Chanels.”  Not one word in what Joe just said was grammatically correct.  Seriously stop saying “Chanels.”
• Next up is their trip on the SS Gaudy.  Imagine being a paying customer on this cruise and being in the room next to Teresa and crew?  I would jump.  No really, I would jump.  People usually go missing from cruises anyway so it might as well be me.  Of course, when I jumped overboard I would yell “fabulous!” and have Teresa take a picture of me before I hit the water, but that’s just me.  Perhaps you’d yell your own catch-phrase.
• Barney and Fred are having a drink at the cigar bar on the cruise ship (safe) and start gossiping, like old Italian women sitting on the stoop with their plastic sandals and paper thin housecoats, about Danielle and how crazy she is.  Fred keeps saying how his wife, Jacqueline, has been so happy on this trip and it’s because she’s away from all the drama.  Uh, I think she’s been so happy on this trip because she’s has a glass of wine in her hand in 98.9% of the scenes she’s just been in.  Like the saying goes, “You can lead a horse-face to water….”
• Fred and Barney also discuss taking a trip like this once a year and then Barney replies with “We should do this twice a year.”  Nope.  No you actually shouldn’t.  First off, you’ll probably be in jail for either your alleged drunk driving or you may be serving time for owing the government $11 million so, well, you may be a little tied up next year.  Also, YOU HAVE NO MORE MONEY SO STOP SPENDING IT!
• Somehow Teresa pawns all her kids off on Caroline and her husband.  They’re throwing b*tch-fits left and right and Caroline is showing them tough love and by “tough love” I really mean “yelling at them like they were her own kids.”  I’ve already scheduled to call DSS for a variety of reasons, but I’m going to just add this one to the list to make it an even 200.
• Later Caroline and her husband toss the girls into the hot tub, which even I know you can’t go in unless you’re over 16 yrs old.  I’m assuming Caroline is just trying to cook them like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.  I’m pretty sure I saw Albert cutting up carrots and onions and tossing those into the hot tub as well.  To no surprise, security comes over and tells them that children under 16 aren’t allowed in the hot tub.  I guess no matter how many times you yell “fabulous!” rules are rules.
• Later Teresa and Jacqueline head out to get absolutely fall down drunk.  They’re drunk dancing and then at one point they start playing the piano while Teresa does her best Fran Drescher impression into the microphone.  Then they bring their drunken antics up to the upper deck and head outside while Teresa says, “I feel like the Titanic.”  Yeah. No.  The difference between Teresa and the Titanic is that the Titanic only went down once.  Hey-oh!
• In the end it’s Milania’s 4th birthday.  Thank God.  They decide to have party that every 4 year old dreams of which consists of a long sit-down dinner with 20 adults.  What a complete nightmare.  Jacqueline can’t even make it to the dinner because she claims she’s “sea-sick” but we all know it’s because she’s a hungover horse.  All the kids fall asleep at dinner and Milania blows a gasket when they try to wake her up to blow out her birthday cake, which looks like it was made out of potato chips.  She’s screaming and spitting and is sounding more and more like little Billy from “Who’s the Boss” each and every day.
• Meanwhile somewhere on the other side of the world Meg is becoming a mother.

Next week we continue our Italian nightmare vacation and Danielle beings to look for her real mother so she can, you know, smell her if/when she meets her.  Again, my money is on Kim G being Danielle’s real mother.  Just sayin’.

Join Me on Facebook!

Read More On: real housewives of new jersey