Unplugged…

Blogging.  What is it really?  An online journal?  Sure.  A cartoon dog?  No, no it is not.  A blog is not a cartoon dog.  Now that we’re clear on that….

Similar to America’s beloved Lauren Conrad from The Hills, IBBB is unplugging and taking a little time off from the blogging world.  For the past 3-years I’ve used this ridiculous blog as a creative outlet for myself and a way to make some people laugh every now and then.  It’s been really fun and, surprisingly, rewarding for me.  I’ve got to connect with some great people who I would have never known had I not started this blog and this has opened an insane amount of doors for me both personally and professionally.  Who knew the Internet was helpful like that?

As you know for the past 3-months I’ve been on a wild ride in the “television world” and having a blast living out my dream.  It’s crazy, really.  I could get all deep, but that’s not why you come around here. While the show I work on (The Edge With Jake www.EdgeWithJake.com) is on hiatus I will be taking a break from the blog to focus on myself, my family, and my friends.  I don’t want to say I will “start” living life because I’ve certainly been doing that for the past few years, but want to take some time to stop fully focusing on me and start focusing on others and just life, basically.

I know I’ll be back to blogging at some point in the future (near future, maybe), but for now I’m looking forward to starting new projects, continuing old projects, and maybe even hitting the gym.  I said “maybe.”

I want to thank the thousands of you who, for some reason, religiously read IBBB on a daily basis.  You have no idea how much I’ve appreciated this and how much this has given me the courage to pursue my dreams and blah blah blah.

Until I return, feel free to become life-long friends with me on Facebook and follow/stock me on Twitter.

Lukewarm Regards,
IBBB

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ibbb

 

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The Hills Season Finale: Lauren is Dead…to Me.

Remember where you were when the Berlin Wall fell?  September 11th?  Jesus came back to earth to send Bindi Irwin directly to hell?  Well me too.  Similar to those important days in history you will always remember where you were when Lauren Conrad left “The Hills.”  It’s a sad day for everyone.  If Heidi and Audrina could still move their faces, they would show expressions of sadness.  Anyfinalscript, here’s what went down on the Season Finale of The Hills:

• With just 2 days to go before her wedding day, Heidi decides to actually start planning it.  Her magical day she describes sounds terrible.  She wants flowers all over the church so that it looks like a garden, she wants to be dripping in diamonds, she wants actual swans to be there, and she wants a white-chocolate-mousse-truffle-vanilla-berries-princess-cake.  Sure.  Let me break it down for you.  Flowers all over the church?  Allergy Palooza ‘09.  Dripping in diamonds?  If the lights hit the diamonds the right way we’ll be forced to see her chin and new nose light up like Rudolph.  Actual swans = swan shit all over the place.  That cake? Welcome to the new and exciting world of diabetes! I’ll pass on the entire ceremony and have a donkey back-kick me in the nuts for 45 minutes, thanks.
• Spencer is having a delightful lunch with Darlene and is trying to convince her that he’s a changed man.  This is where we get to hear two of our favorite Spencer references: “Da Club” and “I’m in therapy.”  Score!  Darlene gives him her blessing and considering she gave birth to Satan’s spawn, her blessing means the world to all of us.
• Fast forward and we’ve all been invited to Heidi’s bridal shower. I believe if we’re still following the timeline, this shower is 1.5 days before the actual wedding.  Luckily I’ve never been to a shower (or seldom take showers, but that’s a different story for a different time).  Heidi’s shower is the worst.  They’re playing games off of what I first assumed was “bridal shower card games” but after a moment or two figured it must be the cue cards shrunk down to size so that the cast can just hold them and read from them with ease.  We learn Heidi wants 4 children, all boys.  I’m sure all four will turn out to be serial rapists.
• Stop the press.  Stop the press.  Stop.  I believe all the bridal shower gifts that Heidi received can ALL be purchased from the Harriet Carter catalog…and I’m not joking.  If she pulls out a gun that squirts ketchup and mustard I’ll be convinced.
• Is HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag trashed?  She looks it and I think she’s slurring her one-liners.  Hopefully she is.  It makes her more interesting, more attractive, funnier, and overall a better person.
• Lauren and Broady are out for a sexless dinner and Lauren is clearly over the show. She’s making up a wedding song about Heidi making a big mistake and later somehow equates their wedding to a funeral.  At one point I’m pretty sure I see her mustache jump off her face and dance around a sombrero on the table.  She stabbed it with a fork and placed it back on her upper lip. I have no idea where I pulled that from.  Anystache, Broady comes up with a brilliant idea of making farting noises at the wedding when Heidi trots down the aisle.  I actually think this is a funny idea and for one split second I look at Broady and forget that his father has a horrible 1980’s facelift.  The second passes and I remember again.
• Broady must have left dinner with Lauren and ran right out to have a second dinner with Spencer because he has on the same shirt.  They had to film this crap quick.  Steve Sanders is spewing out all this crap and it’s so bad that Broady is laughing at him….actually I think he’s just laughing at the fact that this is all fake and he can’t believe it’s actually come to this.
• I’m sorry, is Lauren quitting life too?  She’s now meeting with Kelly CUNTrone and is leaving her “job” as well.  Kelly tries to give some advice to Lauren about what she should “do next.”  She never, however, mentions that in real life Lauren had her own fashion line and makes $75,000 per episode.  So, uh, something tells me that Lauren will figure out her “big life dilemma.”
• Timeline check:  10 hours until the wedding.  We’ve all been invited to the Pratt/Montag rehersal dinner.  How lucky.  Stephanie Pratt gives a toast and pretends to start crying.  Her voice is shaky, but I assume it’s just from the withdrawal of a booze and meth coctail.  Yes?
• FINALLY SOMETHING REAL!  HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is triggity-trashed!  Again!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  They couldn’t even edit around this.  I’ve never said this before in my life, but she is officially a filthy-hot-mess.  Brilliant.  HOlly’s toast was a complete trainwreck and I honestly have no idea what she was talking about.  At one point she talks about Heidi praying in the woods with sticks and berries when she was a child to find her “love match.”  Seriously what!?!  Now if they could just get the rest of the cast drunk perhaps this show would be watchable next season!
• Next up, HOlly is trying to spit her gum out, hi-fiving the waiter, and throwing a potato at her brother, which accidentally hits Heidi and her expensive bag.  I give this scene an A+.  She excuses herself from the table and turns into that girl that everyone knows….the drunken mess who starts crying and making a scene.  Awesome!  Spencer starts talking about not throwing food at the dinner table and how that’s rude.  Darlene defends HOlly and tells Spencer that throwing food is not rude.  HOlly then says, “oh sorry I didn’t know we were dining with the king and queen.”  Again, awesome.  The only thing that would have made this better was if Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte was dry-humping Spencer’s “Nana” at the end of the table. Ole!
• The next day HOlly does apologize to Heidi and Heidi informs us all of a new word.  She tells HOlly that she would never “un-maid-of-honor” her.  She should have put HOlly to sleep and asked her horse to be the new Maid of Honor.
• It’s Lauren’s last party at her house that she may or may not own.  Broady and Stephanie make up and later Steph tries, once again, to convince LC to go to the circus wedding.  Do they know we’ve already seen the scene from the wedding where Lauren walks into the church last week?  Poor planning.
• Well it’s the wedding day, ladies and gentlemen, and all the blast from the past kids are back.  Brent Bolthouse (and his hat that I assume he and Audrina share back and forth), Kimberly and her sea of bangs, Broady and Jayde (who looks like she just made $20.00 on the corner before arriving), Frankie and his boredom, and the rest of the crew that has helped make our ears bleed for the past 3-4 years.
• Oh, and Stacie The Bartender (given birth name) shows up too because, you know, that’s not stretching it.
• Oh, and Justin Bobby just showed up as well.  I’m pretty sure he was just downstairs in the church at an AA meeting and happened to walk upstairs and into the wedding.  Audrina will show him her dead eyes multiple times throughout the ceremony. 
• Everyone in the crowd is giggling like little school girls, but probably because they realize what an absolute circus this really is….especially when Kristin Cavallari shows up, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
• Heidi is officially wearing all the jewelry that Paula Abdul usually wears whilst “judging” on American Idol.  And she keeps saying she looks like a swan princess.  What the F does that even mean? Stop staying it.
• What a scripted surprise!  Lauren shows up to the wedding and even sneaks back into the room to awkwardly hug Darlene and have a one-on-one chat with Heidi The Swan Princess.
• Meanwhile, in walks Kristin Cavallari to legitimate cued dramatic violin music.  I mean come on! You can’t even script this shit.  Ok, well you can.  Kristin walks right down the middle of the aisle and parks her ass directly next to Justin Bobby to the snickers and gasps from the d-list crowd. 
• Lauren and Kristin are wearing the same color dress.  Imagine that.
• LC and Heidi The Swan Princess complete their final chat with how happy she really is for HTSP and they hug it out and end it with a, legit, firm handshake.
• Not to be outdone, Lauren decides to walk directly in front of the entire church and sits right next to LOser.
• So here’s the deal.  Once LOser announces to LC that Kristin is there and that “they match” LC looks over and you can see it all over her face how disgusted she is, but NOT because of any rivalry with Kristin, but because Lauren realizes that the producers of the show set her up…once again.  For real. I cracked the code. 
• Heidi and Steve Sanders exchange vows and Steve Sanders does a lot of weird voice tones, pitches, and sound effects while placing the ring on Heidi’s finger.  All strange.  They are officially married for the 6th or 7th time in the past year.  I’ve lost count.
• Once the wedding is over, they make sure they let us know for the 14th time that Kristin knows LOser from Laguna Beach and that she set up Heidi and Spencer when she dated Broady back in the day.  We get it.  Kristin does, however, make a little dig towards Justin Bobby by calling him a “stand up guy.”  Audrina looked like she was about to swallow her beaver…teeth.
• Heidi throws a scripted toss of her bouquet and Kristin scriptedly catches it.  I’m glad Kristin was in the very front of the church and then later in the very front of the line to catch the bouquet because, you know, Kristin is close friend who would naturally be seated and standing ahead of Heidi’s family and other close friends.
• Lauren sneaks out the back door (which I’ve heard she usually takes it in), hops into her chauffeured black car, and that is the end of Lauren Conrad.  Never to be seen of or head from again.  Hundreds of years from now when children are reading about “The Hills” in their Social Studies classes they will still be asking why Lauren’s mustache and lines under her eyes were only exposed while she was in a dinner setting.  We. May. Never. Know.

THE END!

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So, Uh, This is the Future of The Hills

Good morning.  If you’re like me (a loser) and have been up at night trying to figure out how they’ll continue to shoot The Hills without the beloved Lauren Conrad, I may just have the answer for you.  You see, the wondrous photos above are from actual scenes that are being shot for the new season of The Hills.  Who is carrying the show, you ask? Why that’s Kristin Cavallari, Brody Jenner, his alleged alcoholic girlfriend Jayde, and LOser.  At this point why not just pull people off the street and ask them if they’d like to be in it? 

The new douche-bag gang headed out to a Mexican restaurant in LA to dine on tacos and Bud Light.  Oh, and Brody dressed in stereotypical Mexican garb.  For those of you, like me, who were going to miss Lauren’s mustche, worry no more because clearly Brody is paying tribute to it in the above scene.

Imagine if the creators of The Hills were using this episode to pitch the show to MTV?  They’re like, “….and we’ll put some dented cans of Bud Light on the table and then, get this, Bruce Jenner’s son will wear a sombrero and mustache whilst they eat!  So, um, how many episodes would you like to purchase?”

Read More On: the hills

Finding Bibi

Sometimes it’s nice to take a 2 second break from the crap that is out there in the pop culture world and focus on something more important and meaningful.  I like to focus on this for 2 seconds, once per year.  I’m good like that.

Anyway, I have a friend who is an award winning film-maker, Bita Haidarian Nossa, who has been working on a film called “Finding Bibi.”  Here’s the breakdown:

The upcoming film Finding Bibi follows filmmaker Bita Haidarian, a girl who knows more about MTV than Al Jazeera, as she smashes worldwide stereotypes about women in the Middle East. So where do you fit in? Watch the trailer and visit FindingBibi.com to tell them about moments you’ve been inspired that you’d want others to experience. Help them design a movement behind the film! They’ll take the highest-impact idea and change real peoples lives with it. It’s that simple.

Take a few minutes to check out the trailer above and be sure to check out the website at FindingBibi.  I guarantee you’ll feel like you’re part of something bigger than yourself.  You’re welcome.

Read More On: celebrity gossip

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Well You Look Familiar

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday.  We are almost half way through the year and you know what that means….let’s take a look back at what Harriet has been selling.

Product # 1 - Uh-oh! Is your porcelain chipping? Who gives an F. The real issue is why in the hell is your refrigerator in the bathroom? Actually, another important question is who in the sexy hell has a porcelain refrigerator? Do they even make those anymore? And by “anymore” I really mean “since 1925.” This does bring up an innovative idea. Sometimes when I get out of the shower I would love some breakfast but then I have to walk alllllll the way to the kitchen. That’s not efficient at all. Instead, I’d love to be in the shower and just reach into the refrigerator and grab some milk for my cereal (I’ll keep the box of cereal under the sink). Also, how small is the bottle? It seems like it’ll take about 300 hours to fix that bathtub. It’s kinda like painting your car with a bottle of White-Out. Stop. I just thought of the last time I saw a porcelain refrigerator. Remember that episode of Punky Brewster when Cheri got trapped in the refrigerator? Yeah, then.

Product # 2 - Looking to wash your underwear in your blender? Well you’re in luck! Now you can wash your clothes in something the size of your blender. If you only own 2 articles of clothing then this is the product for you. Perfect for the homeless or a family of dwarfs, you’ll be washing clothes in simply hours! What the hell are they washing in this thing in the photo? Are those crushed Coke cans? Totally, they are. They’re 100% washing Coke cans. But why? Why would one need to wash Coke cans? Pepsi cans, sure, but Coke cans? I don’t buy it. Anyway, when you’re done washing the skid marks out of your crap stained underpants, you can also make a killer margarita in this contraption. Tasty! Ole!

Product # 3 - I wasn’t informed that you were still allowed to pinch your nose closed when something smelled bad if you weren’t 4 years old or in an I Love Lucy episode, but apparently the ban has been lifted. First off, I’m glad that Marie Osmond is back to work after her stint on Dancing With the Stars. It just proves that being on that show can revitalize your career. Second, what in the name of jihad chemicals is this product called? ATMSKLEAR? Like, ATMS Lear? Derived from the German phrase meaning “Money Scam.” Third, where did the rest of faux Marie Osmond’s hair go? She’s about 2 inches away from completing her Zac Efron. It’s the new “Rachel” apparently. And you totally know that the only thing that stinks is faux Marie’s own hoo-ha. That thing probably hasn’t seen clean water since her days on The Love Boat. Hopefully ATMKILLER stuff doesn’t burn the skin because faux Marie is going to need to insert the whole bottle into her “gentleman greeter” the same way you tip a Pepsi bottle filled with water into the plant soil so the plant can just drink as much as it needs when it needs it. You still with me? I’m borderline lost, but I think I’m still typing. Perhaps she has that surprised look on her face because Harriet is underneath her and inserting the bottle as the picture is being taken? Either way her lady business stinks. Clean it up.

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The Hills Recap: Hey Lauren, Yeah It’s Spencer. So, Um, Er, Uh, Yeah…Sorry About that Whole Sex Tape Thing.

 

We are officially just two crapisodes away from the season finale of The Hills and Lauren’s last episode…ever.  I hope they retire her mustache and raise it up to the rafters.  Maybe she’ll pass her mustache on to another cast-mate.  Perhaps Darlene Montag.  She’d look nice with it.  Anystache, here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

• We kick off this crapstorm with Heidi giving her own recap of last weeks episode to Stephanie.  Thanks for the play-by-play of the proposal, Heidi.  It was horrible to watch it and even more horrific to hear you talk about it.  Oh, and I guess that you just “casually” invite someone to your wedding these days because Heidi wants Stephanie to just “tell” Lauren to come to the wedding.  How not trashy.  She should just send out an “Evite.”
• IBBB interupts this recap to quickly bring up that fact that during the opening credits when Audrina is in her bathingsuit her boob is coming out of the bottom of her top.  It’s jammed in there like your souveneire t-shirts in your suitcase on your return trip from Disney World.  Carry on.
• If you’re on the freeway and see Stephanie Pratt driving, feel free to ram your car into the back of hers.  Here’s why.  Stephanie wears her seat-belt like a 3-year old who doesn’t know how to put one on.  She has the strap under her arm and over the top part of her stomach.  Wow, safe. 
• We’re only 4 minutes into this episode and it is filled with more more voiceovers than shots of LA.  I’m surprised one of the voiceovers doesn’t consist of, “I am the great and powerful OZ.  Pay no attention to the man behind that curtain.”
• Spencer and his d-bag amigo, Charlie, are at the driving range.  I’m sure comedy will ensue.  Spencer is dressed like a bitch.  He doesn’t look like he’s hitting golf balls.  He looks like he’s sweeping the leaves off the back porch.
• Meanwhile, Heidi, Sandy Sanders, and HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag are out buying a last minute wedding dress since, apparently, the wedding is next week.  Who knew you could plan a wedding (sponsored by Us Weekly) in 7 days.  How lucky of them.  Sandy tells Heidi and 10 inches of her fake hair, her injected lips, her new nose, and filed down chin, and her new boobs that it doesn’t look like Lauren is going to make it to the wedding after all.  Heidi’s eyes partially fill with tears and she stares into the mirror with her wedding dress on.  I’m not even convinced it’s a mirror.  I just think she’s staring into the camera.  Oh, and I’m also not even convinced this show is taped in LA.  I think it’s just in front of a giant green screen and half the people and places are computer generated.
• Later (probably like 6 months later) Lauren, Audrina, LOser, and Sandy Sanders are all on Wilshire Blvd having champagne…..well not “everyone.”  Sandy Sanders is having water because, well, I would imagine one sip of chamapagne would send her on a 3-week meth binge.  Like my 6th grade teacher used to say, “Drugs. 15 seconds of heaven and a lifetime of hell.”  If only she had known that The Hills would be on TV one day perhaps she would have said, “Drugs.  15 second of heaven and you starring in a reality show where you’re making tens-of-thousands of dollars an episode and everyone knows your name.”  That has a nice ring to it.
• The girls all talk about how at one point or another they all hated each other and the main reason…Spencer.  They should be thanking him, actually, for being such a douche or there probably would have never been a season 3.  Anyway, when Audrina and LOser both tell Lauren they’re actually thinking of going to Heidi’s wedding Lauren looked so pissed I was sure her mustache was going to jump off her face and slap the both of them in the mouth. 
• It’s time for the Young Hollywood (or something) party.  The scene starts out with Audrina asking Stephanie what she’s doing without her job.  Both Oddy and LOser laugh, but not because they’re mean skanks, but because even they know how ridiculous all of this is.  I’m sure the payment-per-episode of The Hills is enough for Stephanie to make ends meet.
• Brody and Jayde show up and sit near Oddy and crew.  I refuse to comment on any of this since this story is dumb.
• And enter Kelly CUNTrone!  Here she comes to save the day!  Kelly Cutrone is on her way!  Stephanie tries to blame Kelly for not being in the office enough and that’s basically why Stephanie is a reject of life.  In the 14 second scene, Kelly ends it with a “talk to the hand” and says goodbye to Stephanie.  Oh Kelly, you’re the best thing to happen to the show since Audrina’s new face.
• Over at Casa de Chin, Heidi is demanding that Steve Sanders call LC to apologize for everything so that she comes to the wedding.  Spencer, of course, does his baby voice when complaining that he doesn’t want to call LC.  The “end scene” music starts playing and Heidi awkwardly says “you better do this for me” and walks out of the scene.  She says it like she’s a mob boss.  She’s more like a boob boss.  Ouch, even I thought that joke was terrible.  Eh, I’m keeping it.
• Heidi later swings by Pubic Revolution to surprise Lauren and hand her a wedding invitation that looks as thin as the script this season.  Aren’t wedding invitations usually pretty thick?  Maybe this is like those one-card 5 year old birthday party invitations.  I hope Lauren RSVP’s in time so that they know how big of a cake to get!
• Lauren basically tells Heidi that she’s ruined all her relationships and is making a bad decision marrying Spencer.  Heidi starts doing the fake tears again, but with all the surgeries her face has a hard time working up some tears.  I’m surprised they didn’t shoot out of her ears.  Anyway, LC continues by saying that Heidi used to be able to light up a room and how she aspired to be like Heidi back then.  Ugh.  Really?  I don’t think I would admit that…ever.  Although, this did make me start picturing Lauren with a new face and a new rack.  I guess it wouldn’t have been that bad.
• Later, Spencer calls Lauren at “work” to apologize for the sex tape, etc.  Stop the press.  Is this the first time that The Hills has actually referenced something that happened outside of the show?  I think it is.  Wow.  We are making progress.  Meanwhile Lauren looks like she’s going to take a huge dump while Spencer is saying “sorry” to her and come to the wedding.  Oh, and why would Lauren answer the phone if it came up on her caller ID that (A) it said “Spencer Pratt” or (B) it said “Unknown Caller.  Does Lauren just answer no matter who calls?  This is all leading me to believe that a call didn’t actually take place between Spencer and Lauren.  I think it was staged.  I know, I’m a genius.

Next week Kristin Cavallari is back!  And what’s even better is that they have her walking down the aisle (during Heidi’s wedding) after the ENTIRE church is already seated.  Brilliant.  Finally.  I mean if this crap is going to be all fake they might as well put a little effort into it.

Read More On: the hills recap

Getting to Know, YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU!Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

• intervention - janet how are her kids? (God almighty!  I knew this was entrapment!)
• “dump in her pants” (so hot)
• 79 photos of Barbara Walters in low cut tops (78.5 photos too many)
• amanda bynes falling into a couch in slow motion while wearing a white dress and having her legs go up in the air and give us an upskirt view of her ass (no joke, this was real.  lofty goals.)
• bindi annoying bitch (that is so wrong to say. it’s bindi annoying f’n little bitch)
• butt shots of barbara streisand (why? why? how come? why?)
• do nuts cause herpes flair up (deez nutz don’t)
• guest list of ike turner (Mr. Closed Fist and Mr. Open Fist)
• how do you like wednesday? (i love it, thanks for asking)
• mother & daughter whores (Uh, who is ‘Dina and Lindsay Lohan?”)
• my dog is walking in circles and confused (time to flush the dog)

Read More On: getting to know YOU

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Like a Screen Door on a Battleship

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Do you think if there were ever an E! True Hollywood Story on Harriet Carter I would be able to take part in it?  I hope so.  I will register that prayer to Santa Christ and Jesus Claus and see if he can make that happen.  Anyjunk, this week Harriet has found the door to the past, keeps the elderly awake at the wheel, and continues having creepy people modeling dumb t-shirts.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 - Well she’s finally done it!  Harriet Carter has found a door to the past and apparently the door to the past lands you to around 1987.  Now I’m not 100% positive, but I have a feeling that this is actually the Harriet Carter “modeling” this unnecessary screen sheet.  Who cares about that, though?  Let’s take a peek at the clothes that seem to be raping Harriet (the original Failure Model Chick).  First off, that mock-turtle-neck-sweatshirt (that can be purchased at Walgreen’s in the “holiday aisle” during Christmas) really makes her bed-head perm pop!  As we move south of the border we see that Harriet is pushing her bum out a little as a way to detract our attention from the cameltoe that is budding from her baby maker.  The journey continues as we see her “blue-jeans” tucked firmly into her black boots.  You know she has to stop every 10 steps to re-tuck her cuffs into those boots.  Harriet is a slave for fashion.  Now is Harriet a midget or is she walking into a giant wooden house?  That may be, perhaps, the largest door I’ve ever seen….and the entrance into the house isn’t so small either.  Oh! Stop me if you heard it!  I’m not sure I used that one right, but who cares?  It’s Harriet Carter Wednesday and I can do no wrong!

 

Product # 2 - WAKE UP, STUPID!  If you like to take 10 minute cat naps whilst driving around town does Harriet have the alert system for you!  Apparently if your head moves to far forward or too far back and alarm goes off directly in your ear.  So the good news is that you’re awake.  That bad news?  You’re deaf in one ear.  Seriously, if you even think that you may possibly need this product please, please, please, please, please don’t get behind the wheel.  In fact, please don’t even leave your house.  Actually, don’t walk either.  Just take it easy in a nice recliner and wait patiently for Jesus to call you into the pearly gates of Heaven.  If I ever strapped this thing to my ear I would be so freaked out that my head may accidentally go 2 inches forward that I wouldn’t be able to even focus on changing the radio station, texting my friends, or drinking my iced coffee.  Imagine just looking forward the whole time and just driving?  Boring.  Either way, thanks Harriet for keeping me awake, deaf, and focused.  What? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

 

Product # 3 - Are you sick of people talking to you about stupid things?  Do you ever wish you had the pefect “come back” to someone who is really “cramping your style?”  Do you photograph like you’re a level 3 sex offender?  Are you wondering why you’re always standing in front of a plain blue background?  Well if you answered “I’m a level 3 sex offender” to any of these questions, Harriet may just have the best rebuttal to shove in your friends faces.  Are you ready for it?  All you need to do is wear this, possibly flammable, t-shirt that says…..wait for it….wait for it……wait for it…..”And Your Point Is….”  Just picture it, someone comes up to you and asks you for directions and you just look down at your t-shirt.  Brilliant.  You’re walking up the street and two little kids ask you if you want to buy some lemonade.  Just point to your t-shirt and they’ll have their answer.  The priest says, “I leave you peace, my peace I give you.  Let’s take a moment to offer each other a sign of the Lord’s peace.”  The person next you reaches out their hand to you and you glance down at your t-shirt.  They’ll know. Oh, indeed, they’ll know.

 

Read More On: harriet carter

The Hills Recap: Introducing Bill Montag, the American Version of Juan Valdez

 

 

• Yeeee Haw!  Bill Montag is coming to town!  Heidi alerts Spencer that her “real dad” is coming to town to meet him and that he’s a real life cowboy who will probably bring his shotgun with him to LA.  Really?  Are you allowed to bring a shotgun with you on the plane from the Wild Wild West to sunny Los Angeles?  Hmmm.  Maybe the FAA and government relaxed their rules a bit.  I mean, 9-11 was a while ago and not really that big of a deal so I’m sure “guns on planes” is totally acceptable now. 
• Reunion Time!  Chiara is back!  You may remember Chiara as Audrina’s work sidekick who always looked like she left a ring around the tub.  Well, she’s back and still looks like she stinks like the basement of a church.  The boring conversation between Oddy and Chiara is livened up when someone dressed like a horse-like creature, carrying a horse-like head walks by.  This, in fact, proves to be the most interesting part of the entire episode.  I’m sure if Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte is watching this, he’s pleasuring himself right now.
• These two champs are in a scene together because some band, perhaps White Tie Affair, are shooting a music video.  Apparently Stephanie Pratt got plowed by the guitarist in the band on drunken-meth-filled-night a while back.  The guy she did “boom boom” with kinda looks Sloth from Goonies, but with emo hair.  Well, either Sloth or Rocky Dennis from “Mask” if they squished his face a little more together. 
• …And enter Bill Montag!  Bill, the American version of Juan Valdez, is everything one could dream of when trying to come up with a stereotypical concept of Heidi’s dad.  I’m sure the props department had a blast with this one.  Bill Valdez is supposed to be intimidating to Spencer, but you know it was all just the rusty editing machine trying to make a boring scene into something decent one last time before the season ends.  They make it seem like Bill is just staring at Spencer, but every shot of him from behind you can actually see the side of his face moving….because he’s talking….and not staring.  Nice try, MTV.  Now use Bill Valdez’s shotgun on that editing machine and start over.  D-.
• Later that night Sandy Sanders, Audrina, and “the band” head out for some drinks.  When Sandy is left alone with the guitar player the real magic happens.  Sloth kinda just repeats himself with such “band catch phrases” as “it’s hard being on the road,”  “yeah we’re on the road,” “being on the road,” “the road,” and for some reason he sorta just keeps repeating “yeah somethin’ like that.”  The writers must have been too busy trying to de-rust the editing machine to spend anytime on lines for this douche.
• Oh and the guitar player has a live-in girlfriend and Steph is pissed.  I actually don’t understand anything that is going on right now.
• The next day, Steve Sanders and Bill Valdez are taking a romantic walk along the beach.  Bill, of course, is wearing his cowboy hat, puffy jean jacket, and apparently, mustard yellow jeans and cowboy boots.  The yellow jeans threw me off a bit.  It’s like he’s a mix between a cowboy and Keenan Ivory Wayans. 
• I just realized that Lauren’s mustache will one day be as thick and grey as Heidi’s dad’s. Lucky.
• Bill Valdez gives Steve Sanders his permission to marry his whore-bag daughter.  What a real treat all this is for the viewer. 
• It’s Firing Day at Pubic Revolution: Ok so here’s the best part of the episode.  I knew that Stephanie would not disappoint.  Lauren, literally, tells Steph that Kelly can’t take the time to train her and can’t have her working here anymore…..to which Stephanie’s eyes fill up and she literally says, “This is like being fired right now.”  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Tell her what she’s won, Johnny!  After the faux-tears continue, Steph says, “This is awkward.  Should I, like, leave right now?”  No no Steph you should totally stay.  In America it’s customary once you’re fired from a job to continue your work day until you’re fired for a second time.  Ironically, if once you are fired the second time in one day AND you see your shadow whilst being fired….6 more weeks of winter.
• Steph packs up her desk…which consists of her putting her phone in her purse, hugs Lauren, and then Lauren collapses to her desk.  Life is very tough for both Lauren and Stephanie.  We all have our crosses to bear.
• Holy CRAP!  The “next day” Steph meets Heidi for a little lunch and something is DEFINITELY wrong with Stephanie’s face.  For real.  It’s huge.  Her face looks all puffy and frozen.  I’m not joking.  She’s starting to look like Chris Farley when he would dress up like a woman for the “Gap Girls” skits.  What drug would you be on that would inflate your face?  Someone Google that.
• Stephanie tells Heidi that’s she been fired.  Yawn.  She then tells her that the dude from White Tie Affair has a live-in girlfriend to which Heidi gives the same reaction you would give someone if they told you they only had 3 days left to live.  Heidi is a wonderful actress and a good person all around.  I just wanted to say that.
• Finally, in the end, Steve Sanders and Heidi are up on a Ferris Wheel and I doubt that he’s going to ask Heidi to marry him (for the 5th time).  I doubt it.  I totally doubt it.  Wait.  Wait. Wait!  He did!  Heidi squeals with delight, like the pig she is, and says “yes” especially to the new ring that she has.  While all of this bores me, you know what I’m having fun trying to figure out?  If Heidi and Steve Sanders are at the top of the Ferris Wheel….where’s the camera guy?  You would think he would be directly across from them, but when they show their “cart” they’re sitting in, it’s just them two.  Could the camera crew be a little lower and shooting up?  Is there another cart that is equal height once you’re at the top?  I can’t remember, but I’m having more fun thinking about this than watching this crapisode of The Hills.
• Anyway, Heidi loves her ring, shows it to the camera, and even when she kisses Steve Sanders she still poses with the ring directly next to her face.  She is a terrible, terrible person who will rot in hell.  I will, of course, see her there and will recap her hell experience and mine. 

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Rainn Wilson on “The Edge”

Who doesn’t love Rainn Wilson?  No really, who?  I want your name, the last 4 digits of your social security number, your mothers maiden name, and the name of your first pet.  You’re dead to me.

Moving right along, the show that I’m working on (as one of the producers…what what) The Edge With Jake Sasseville, started airing across the country in 33 million homes (check your local listings or watch online at www.edgewithjake.com).  In the first episode, Jake breaks into Rainn’s house and hijinks ensues.  Check out the above clip, add it to your Facespace, Mybook, blogs, mothers face, etc.  Spread the word and keep IBBB employed! Ole!

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Is My Little Olsen Sassin’ Me?

Ohhhhhh the Olsen Sluts are pissed!  From the looks of it, it looks like they just knocked over a 7-11.  I bet their bags are filled with hot dogs and Slurpee’s.  Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen and her sister, Shecky Olsen, were all angry looks and side-eye huffs as they made their way through LAX over the weekend.  I like to picture the Olsen’s on a plane.  It makes me happy.  I bet they don’t have to pay for a seat if they sit on someones lap.  If I were on the plane I’d let Shecky Olsen sit on my lap and I’d put my hand up her shirt and turn her into a puppet.  We would, of course, reenact scenes from the Full House episode where Papouli kicked the bucket and Michelle asked Uncle Jesse if it was ok to cry.  It’s not ok, Michelle, it’s not.  You’re not ok.

Read More On: ashley olsen, mary kate olsen

Someone is About to Lose Their Job…and Possibly Their Life

Who DARE force Mariah Carey to hold her own umbrella whilst on the red carpet like she is some wild animal…or a cave person!?!?  Not only will someone be losing their job over this, I’m sure, but I’m confident that someone will also be losing their life and my guess is that they will die by a horrific umbrella beating.  Visualize Britney with the green umbrella beating the bag out of the SUV a couple years ago, but substitute Mariah for Britney and the green umbrella with a black umbrella….and a lot of butterfly jewelry…and a whole-lotta boobage.  See how that works?

Anyglitter, Mariah and her rack trotted the red carpet in Cannes (fitting) at the premiere of her new movie “Little Precious.”  There is already some Oscar buzz around Mariah’s role in the movie.  Ok, I made that part up.   Let’s start a rumor.

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For 2 People, This is Completely Normal

 

At some point “Blanket” and his siblings will be having a conversation that will go a little something like this:

“Hey remember when we were little and Daddy Jackson used to make we wear Mardi Gras face masks and pajama pants with a navy-blue suit jacket while he trailed behind sporting a huge umbrella even when it wasn’t raining and usually had a surgical masked strapped to his face that was falling off his, well, face?  Yeah, well that’s why I shot up my entire office and am serving 25 consecutive life sentences.”

Michael Jackson and Blanket were caught leaving a medical building in Beverly Hills over the weekend. I wonder how the paparazzi ever spotted them?

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Hey! Kelly Kapowski is Still Alive! Alright!

So, uh, Kelly Kapowski is still alive.  That’s good.  It’s nice to see her out and about at Mr Chow’s in LA.  It was nice for her boss to let her off her shift early from The Max.  Kelly has been working really hard ever since her dad was shit-canned from his job.  I mean, she couldn’t even afford to go to the Prom with Zack because the Kapowski’s were low on funds, so I’m not quite sure how she can afford dinner at Mr Chow’s, but maybe she saved some of the money from her days as singer/dancer in Hot Sundae?  One may never know.  End all Saved By The Bell references here _______.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: If You Need This Stuff, Please Leave Planet Earth.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Every now and then Harriet comes out with some real crash-bang-zinger products that make me want to never visit middle America because I imagine houses being filled with this crap.  That probably explains why everyone hangs out at either a gas station or Super Walmart.  But I digest.  Anywaste, this week Harriet color codes your sandwich tools, helps you eat whilst driving, and allows middle-aged women to use ice cream shaped lipstick because “white-trash skank” seldom goes out of style.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 - Time for lunch, stupid!  Do you have to struggle through making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?  Do you wonder how the human race made these sandwiches for hundreds of years with caveman tools such as a knife and…a knife?  Well you aren’t alone.  I mean, you’re borderline in a coma, but you’re not alone!  Harriet seems to think that in order to make a PB&J (which, in Harriet’s house stands for “Penis Breath and Jizz”) you need a color-coded tool to scoop and spread the peanut butter and the jelly.  Harriet tells us that the color-coding makes it “nearly” impossible to confuse the two.  She says “nearly” because, let’s face it, if you’re buying from this catalog the chances are pretty good that you’ll still confuse the two.  Now you almost never have to accidentally stick your peanut butter knife into the jelly jar.  I mean, God forbid you use two separate knives.  You know you’re just licking them and putting them back in the drawer anyway.  Regardless, Harriet really thinks outside her box and lets us know that you can use this spreader for such things as butter, cream cheese, mayo, and mustard.  She did not mention relish, so I would call the 1-800 number to make sure that this spreader can, indeed, be used for relish.  You’d be surprised how many people make that mistake!  Thanks, Harriet, for complicating sandwiches!

Product # 2 - Please, don’t be like the millions of other people in the world who allow their driving to interfere with their lunch schedule.  Take back lunch and simply eat your healthy hamburger, french fries, and unnamed soda whilst driving.  Seriously, who would just place their hamburger on that nasty ass tray without a wrapper or napkin of some sort.  It’s amazing that there are laws that don’t allow us to drive while using our cell phones, but having a full meal seems to be acceptable.  And why stop there? No, no what else can you do in the car?  How ’bout adding a sewing machine or cotton candy machine?  And you know the people who buy this never wash it.  Ever.  It’s all sticky and gross and has M&M’s, soda, dust, and nickels stuck to it.  It probably smells like a 50 yrs old dishwasher.  You know what I would use it for?  A chair.  That’s right, a chair.  I would sit on that and try to drive so that I can easily see what the people are doing driving next to me. I’m innovative like that.

 

Product # 3 - Ow!  Yow!  Ow Ow!  Who. Is. That. Sexy. Failure. Model. Chick?  What a real dish that FMC is!  If you’re a middle-aged woman who wants to hold on to her youth then does Harriet have the product for you.  Presenting: Lipstick in an ice cream cone that also doubles as a key chain.  Ole!  Look at how Failure Model Chick “models” the use of the product.  She dips her skanked-out finger into the lip-gloss and then gently pats it on her crusty lips.  And you totally know she’s dabbing a little gloss on her “downstairs beast” too and by “downstairs beast” I am, of course, talking about her Failure Model Vagina.  Of course.  It’s just your typical FMC FMV.  Honestly, at this point I have no idea what I’m even talking about.  All I do know is that FMC is too old to be using teeny-bopper products like this.  She should be sticking to her zinc-pink lipstick so she can attract the boys at the BINGO hall.

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